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[Pennyfarthing]

Had a couple of stressful, worrying days with Mum. Too exhausted to go into details.

[CLKD]

Menomale - have you asked your Dad what he would like rather than offering help?  Or 'what would you advise others in your situation?' ……. hard work when the social support infrastructure isn't there or difficult to access!  I would ask: once : those relatives because if they aren't aware ;-) although it may be easier in the long run to leave them to FaceBook 

Glad that your Mum is home Ju Ju. 

  Pennyfarthing

[grumpy2008]

Had a rushed visit to dad today. Intended to stay longer but the removals company who were clearing out the last items from dad's house rang while I was at the care home and said they were on their way, sooner than expected. Lied to dad about my reason for leaving, because he doesn't know (and wouldn't understand) that the house is sold. Sigh. The dementia makes reasoned conversation impossible, and I've got used to being vague, or in this case just downright lying. It makes me feel horrible 

Big hugs to everyone that needs them 

[CLKD]

Don't you remember the Santa Clause story - 'white lies' can cover a multitude of problems  .

[Ju Ju]

There is nothing wrong with telling 'white lies' when telling the truth will cause harm. Do not feel guilty!

I talked to Mum on the phone when she got home last night. She told me that she mentioned a pain and the fact she has had indigestion for the past few weeks, to the doctor who came to check her before he discharged her. He asked her why she hadn't been to her GP about it or mentioned it to anyone while she was in hospital. She replied that she has to go back and forth to the doctors as it is and she suffers from a lot of pain anyway, due to osteoporosis and anyway it wasn't in her chest. He said you are pointing to your chest and your heart. Needless to say he is referring her to a heart specialist!  Her BP goes goes up and down, sometimes drastically and she has a heart murmur. Oh Mum!      She moans about the little things, but never mentioned this or I would have been on her case.

[Pennyfarthing]

Hi all.
I've been reading this topic for a while and can really relate and sympathise with so many of you. My mother is 94 and still living at home on her own. With the help of carers, my sister and I do the rest.
My relationship with my mother is not great and is becoming more challenging as dementia takes hold.
She refuses to even consider a nursing home and thinks that my sister and I should just do more.
We just can't as we are both worn out, consequently we have put more carers into the house now and we are attempting to get a social worker to actually decide that mother is no longer safe to live alone as she will never listen to us.
It's so very hard especially trying to cope with an elderly relative while coping with meno and everything else that comes along at this time of life.

Honey100

That's a good old age Honey!  My Mum is 92 and I think the time is nearing when she is going to have to move to sheltered accommodation. She actually wanted to when my Dad died 9 years ago but my stupid brother told her not to as all old people he knew who moved house then died!!  He also told her he didn't know how she could leave her home with so many memories.  All very well but he does nothing practical whatsoever for her.

[Ju Ju]

I'm sorry that your Mum expects so much.

I'm fortunate that my parents do not expect too much. They tend to protect me and worry about me, which can be wearing, but understandable as my sister died. My relationship with Mum is rather ambivalent due to questionable parenting of me, but I would say she tries to be a good Mum now.

I hope sharing this with your sister helps and you can support each other. I certainly miss my sister more than ever because of mum and Dad.

Your mums expectations are unrealistic and selfish, though whether this how is how it always was or whether this is related to aging,illness and dementia, only you can say. It is actually abusive putting her own wishes above your welfare. You must look at your own needs, decide what you are capable of doing and what you are prepared to do.

 Part of my healthier relationship with my mum dates back to over 20 years, when an incident made me realise that the way mum had treated me was unacceptable. I had the choice of walking away permanently or putting boundaries in. There was no confrontation or discussion, just a decision. I was no longer at her beck and call or a victim because I decided not to be. There was a subtle shift in our relationship and I have been treated with respect ever since. I have had to get help with the anger.

When Mum is physically ill, she repeatedly refuses the doctor or an ambulance to be called. When she is better she is amazed at her behaviour. My dad finds it difficult to override this, as she's 'boss' which normally suits him. He now tends to ring ....eventually......so I can tell him what to do!

 Your sister and you need to decide what is not only best for your mum but also for you. You both count and are important. You have done what you can and should not feel guilty. Unfortunately feelings creep in and want to be felt, don't they?

 I hope you can get to talk a social worker. There are other members here who have been through similar situations, so may be able to advise on what to do next and who to talk to first of all.

[Pennyfarthing]

Even more stressed now!  It is now becoming very apparent that Mum can't live on her own any longer. Just took a call from my niece who has been to see her today and says she fell out of bed early this morning. 

I am not impressed because our phone woke us up at 10 to 6 this morning and I went off to answer it and the ansafone clicked in. No message was left. Then it rang again and I couldn't get to it in time. Hubby said "it can't be your mum because it says "unknown number" so we assumed it was a spoof call which we do sometimes get at odd hours.

Apparently she pressed her alarm bracelet and it must have rung here and then rang at my brothers house because according to niece he turned up and stayed with her for a while.  Of course he didn't think to let me know because that's the type of ignorant pig he is!!! 

So I've been to chiropractor and shopping and nobody has contacted me until niece just did. She wanted my Mum to get checked with GP but she wouldn't.  I can't ring her for a while because she will be in bed and I'll get told off if I wake her up. 

Last week she broke her stair lift as a cardigan fell off the banister and got trapped (now repaired) this week she's had dizzy spells and been very confused and I don't think she's safe to be on her own anymore.  Problem is neither brother speaks to me so we can hardly have a family conference can we and decide what's best?  Niece is furious and is going to speak to her Dad and tell him to get his act together. IF I ring other brother, who was there this morning he would just put the phone down on me.

MUm wanted to move into sheltered housing 9 years ago when my Dad died but one brother told her not to as "old people die as soon as they leave their home" and "you can't leave all your memories behind." which is the biggest joke out because he does nothing practical to help her.  I had to arrange for stairlift and wet room to be done and neither brothers could even be bothered to help with getting quotes for the work which the council insisted on.  It's a nightmare I tell you!

[Pennyfarthing]

Could your neice be the go-between Pennyfarthing.
If she could speak to both of your brothers then a solution could be found that doesn't mean the three of you meeting. Or perhaps your hubby or one of your children could represent you.
Of course it would be much easier if you could all meet but if that's not possible then some kind of solution has to be found.
Is your mum strong enough to tell your brothers that she has decided to move.
I don't know how old your mum is but if she is very elderly is sheltered housing the best option for her.
They are not easy to come by generally.
This of course may not apply to your mum, but when they start to fail they generally never quite come back to where they were before. It can be a very slow decline though.
Has she been tested for a urine infection. That can cause the confusion and sometimes falls too.

So very hard for you as you only want the best for your mum.

I hope you can manage to get something sorted out. Does she have any help at home on a daily basis. My mother has free personal care four times a day at the moment which although is not enough now was very helpful in the beginning.

Honey100

thank you honey. I think niece will say something to her Dad and she, at least, had the sense to ring me and put me in the picture!  we get on very well.

MUm just has a cleaner in for two hours one morning a week because so far she has coped pretty well.  SHe  is 92.

I have been on and on to Mum about drinking more and she keeps insisting she drinks plenty but she never does when she's here for the weekend so I don't believe her. Last night she told me "I have two bottles of water beside my bed now" and I said "yes but you DO have to drink it!!!"   

She has been very confused the last few days which have been exceptionally hot and I have told her to drink plenty or she will get dehydrated and confused.  Short of pouring it down her throat I don't know what I can do. 

THank you for,listening. X

I have just contacted social services and asked for a care assessment but they can't process it until I have spoken to her and she has confirmed that she wants one so I have to ring back tomorrow after we have talked.

[CLKD]

  it's because the Client's needs have to be taken into account, even if they are on the floor with a broken limb  - instead of listening to those who do the actually caring  ……..

Join in Honey100 …….. let us know how you get on!

[Pennyfarthing]

it's because the Client's needs have to be taken into account, even if they are on the floor with a broken limb  - instead of listening to those who do the actually caring  ……..

Join in Honey100 …….. let us know how you get on!

YEs .... And data  protection apparently.

IN the meantime I have arranged for GP to call in on her tomorrow morning and I'm going along too. I suspect start of dementia or a water infection or maybe both.  Then I will bring her back here to stay the night so I can get a proper picture of what's going on and get a few litres of fluid down her!!

I will ring her after tea and tell her all this and of course she won't hear half of it as she won't wear her hearing aids!! 😜

[CLKD]

Put your foot down with a firm hand !!!!

If anyone quotes Data Protection to me I ask them to read which part of the Data Protection Act they are quoting from.  It is HUGE - and none of it referred to my particular situation but because I kept data on computer I had to pay £72.00 for 2 years.  I have never seen anyone reported as being taken to Court for breaches of any part of the Act in the National Press though in the update magazines I received, there were plenty.

My Section was 60 pages long  .  So if anyone suggests that they can't share due to the Data Protection Act ask them to provide you with a copy of the relevant section ;-).  It don't half stop cold callers  'cos 'we are on the Telephone Preference Service' certainly doesn't ….. crikey, that was a meander 

[grumpy2008]

Thanks for all your kind responses regarding the 'white lies' I tell to dad. I've got used to having to do this, although it still goes against the grain and some lies are more difficult than others. You're all correct of course, that it does no good to tell the truth if it causes distress!

Honey100, I don't think our elderly relatives realise that we're all a little older ourselves, with other responsibilities and possible health issues too. My dad often tells me that the residents in his care home have been dumped there because their children can't be bothered to look after them (which presumably includes me!). Dad calls it a prison, and he and one of the other male residents sit and plan their escape! It's a lovely place, very homely, but it'll never be enough ;-)

Ju Ju, I totally agree that's important to establish boundaries. That we need to consider ourselves too, and not allow ourselves to be 'abused'. My dad behaves more childlike now, and is prone to make unreasonable demands. White lies sometimes work... and then he forgets ;-) So I don't stress now about the 'demands' and rarely act on them anymore.

Sorry to read about your situation, Penny Farthing, it's so difficult, especially when family can't agree. And it sounds like your mum can't look after herself any longer. My dad was similar before his fall, and it was only after being admitted to hospital that we realised the full extent of what was happening... he was dehydrated, losing weight, terrible memory loss/confusion made worse by the hospital. I found out he'd been stockpiling his tablets and not taking them. It was horrible. And this was despite us having supported him at home for about 10 years. Trouble is, you have to be very firm with the authorities (and sometimes family) in order to get things sorted out. And I agree with CLKD, that it's SO frustrating that the consent is sought from the client at every turn despite it being bloomin' obvious that they are no longer capable of making the required decisions!!! Aargh! Anyway, my best advice would be to write a general letter, listing ALL your concerns, print out a dozen copies and give to anyone involved in your mum's care. Doing this helped me a lot with dad, because even though we had POA the social care workers still didn't want to take notice of us (until I put everything in writing, and handed it to them).

Stellajane, sometimes family has to step back before the local authority will help... like you say, they are happy for family to do the caring (LA's are so stretched these days).

I sometimes wonder where it's all going to end? The social care situation, I mean? More and more people needing it, and family carers getting older and less able to provide the caring 

[CLKD]

The Government of the day easily pushes mental health issues and care in old age under the carpet.  They will be able to pay for full nursing care without thinking about it!

[Pennyfarthing]

Busy, busy!  Been on phone to social worker and said mum is ok with being assessed. From my description she agrees that it sounds like a urine infection and has told me to get GP to see if he can get a health bed for her for a few days.  She says sometimes they don't have a clue how to do this so she has given me the direct number for him to ring!!

I had planned to bring her back here  for the night but she says in her opinion a few days in hospital would be better.  She took full details of mums situation at home and thinks she could do with carers going in a few times a day to help her get dressed, prepare ready meal etc so she conserves her energy.

I have to meet GP and then ring her straight back so she can arrange for carers to go in if necessary.