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[honeybun]

Well I took down the mince and cooked it. I left her to do the bisto and the potatoes. She is floundering big time which I knew would happen. I don't want to be unkind but she needs to learn to accept the help that is willingly given.
She is complaining she is not fit.
She was told I would cook her meals willingly but if she complained again then that was it.

Back to normal me thinks. It should never have changed except she was being stroppy.

Actually when I think back my mother has always been spoiled. This is just a continuation of what she has always been like only with bells on.

Honeyb
X

[Pennyfarthing]

Thrawn is a Scottish word for someone who is difficult and a bit awkward.


Glad your mum is a bit better today. There are clubs around my mother but she will not go. She does not want to mix with old folk..

She is nearly 91, how old does she think the rest will be.

To be honest I don't think she is fit for anything like that any more.

Honeyb
X

Honeyb - have you enquired whether these clubs will deliver meals ..... most do.  It's usually home-cooked "proper" food too.  Last week when Mum was under the weather her lunch was brought down twice - main course and hot pud.  She says they're lovely.

My Mum is a bit like yours - she thinks everyone else is VERY old. She's 89.  She could go all day but she just goes up at 12.00 and has her meal and a cuppa and a chat and comes home again.  Several of them do that and they call that "Luncheon Club" rather than Day Care. 

[honeybun]

Mum can't go out on her own Penny. I never take her out...that's what my sister is for. They have got a big  car....mine is tiny.....an Aygo.....it wouldnt take a wheelchair.
She stays in a car free culdisac and can't walk to the top her little avenue.

She won't go anywhere unless my sis takes her.

I know that all the suggestions are great and very sensible but you would have to meet the woman ( when she is not in queen mother mode) to understand what I am dealing with.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

I can sort of imagine it ........ my Mum has narcissitic behaviour and once her mind is made up 

[Pennyfarthing]

Mum can't go out on her own Penny. I never take her out...that's what my sister is for. They have got a big  car....mine is tiny.....an Aygo.....it wouldnt take a wheelchair.
She stays in a car free culdisac and can't walk to the top her little avenue.

She won't go anywhere unless my sis takes her.

I know that all the suggestions are great and very sensible but you would have to meet the woman ( when she is not in queen mother mode) to understand what I am dealing with.

Honeyb
X

I hear all this ..... but my question was do any of the clubs deliver meals?

[ladybug50]

Hallo folks , I have been reading this post for a while.
I have similar problems with my Aged Ps that you have CLKD.
Anything suggested by ME is ignored/questioned/deemed incorrect.
Recently they have had major dramas at home with Mothers Health.
Dad is 81 and a Heart Patient, mother (78) had a Stroke in 2006 and recovered. She recently caught Norovirus and Hurt her knee. BUT they still WONT consent to organising ANY help in the Home.  I live over 100 miles away, I get silly Conversations from mother about ME going to look after them. I am a disabled Heart Patient in a bungalow. They have a house with stairs. I use two walking sticks and a mobility scooter. I keep saying to them HOW will this work ...what am I expected to do?? My Brother and a Cousin do visit regularly ..and they cannot get either of them to get help in! I have suggested /recommended AGE UK etc.. but ALL advice has been ignored. It drives me up the wall. I do try to keep a cool head .. but I have to admit when mother and I get in a room together its     
Mother is always loading every conversation with emotional blackmail and GUILT.
I have had to let the phone go to ansafone again ... I find it all too stressful.

[CLKD]

Ladybug <HUG>
You are correct - leave the phone onto the answer machine.  That way she can't get at you.  I expect at times they are scared and worried and sometimes family is 'best'    ........ but you have your own situation to deal with.  Because they can't see how that affects you on a daily basis, it is 'out there' ...... so the suggestions that you go care for them might, in their eyes, be practical ..........

Are you able to contact their GP ....... at least your cousin and brother don't get anywhere either ........

[honeybun]

Most of the elderly people that I know have resisted having care in. I think for them it means finally admitting that they are no longer capable and its then just a downward journey.
Circumstances usually force the issue.....normally someone falls and then there is no choice.

My mother fought tooth and nail but after she was told that neither my sister or I were prepared to do the early morning or late night visits she gave in. Now her " girls " are wonderful and it gives her the opportunity to play the sweet little old lady.

Honeyb
X

[ladybug50]

I understand more than most about being independent, but I have tried for at least the last year to repeatedly give them MY example of who and how,  I have help in MY home.
Shopping delivered/hairdresser/cleaner/foot lady/pharmacy delivery ...etc.
So its not as if I am asking them to consider anything that I am not ALREADY DOING???   
I keep getting told .."we'll we will wait till this crisis is over / that Hospital Appt is done then we'll consider it".
Dad says he wants help in, but Mother is the Block.   
It doesn't help that I am estranged from most of my family, I love my parents but I admit I don't like them very much.
I am seen as the Black Sheep of the Family. There is a lot of OLD baggage attatched to this ... but I still keep in touch and still try to be helpful/cheerful etc.
Which I think is DUTY and Guilt all mixed up together. When they do eventually go ...it will be MY fault ...as far as the rest of them are concerned.     
I am ready for that, and accept it. ....But Still ....

[honeybun]

How could it be your fault ladybug ?

You can only suggest and not dictate. I take it you only have phone contact. Do they know that you have the difficulties that you do. It seems very unfair of them to try and pressure you into something that's just not possible.
I understand completely about the duty and guilt feelings. My mother is a master manipulator and I do a lot from guilt. I do love her but she is very very demanding and downright horrible sometimes.

I wish I lived 100 miles away instead of 12.

I have told my daughter she has my full permission to shoot me if I get like my mother. I would hate to be like that.

Chin up.....none of it is your fault and it does help to come here and vent.

Honeyb
X

[ladybug50]

Thanks HB, It all Being My fault is a standard fall back position in this Family. 
Cos I don't have a Husband/Child at home to look after.
Also my disabilities are seen as "Excuses not to do anything helpful".
I do Visit the Aged Ps, once or twice a year for a day ...I keep it short and sweet and go loaded with gifts and foods.
I also make sure I pick a day when NO-ONE else is visiting.
I accept things rather than fight it,  cos I would rather spend my energies on things I enjoy doing .. not dealing with ****ly pious relatives. 
That's Partly why I got the Mogs ..so I have an excuse NOT to leave home for long.

[honeybun]

I have two kids still at home and a hubby who is not in great health but as far as my mother is concerned they come second to her needs. I could be dying and she would still expect me to be there. She is only concerned about how things effect her and no one else.

When I told her I was suffering from anxiety her very first question was.....does that mean you can't come to me then.

You are right to distance yourself from things. Can't see them running to help you.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

I have probably said this before - many years ago Mum would ring up and moan that 'we never go anywhere', 'no one ever calls to see us' ......... DH and I went mid-week and the phone never stopped ringing, the door bell went several times - and she answered the 'phone even though we were there for the day  - instead of saying she would ring 'them' back.  i did ask Dad 'is it like this often' and was told 'all the while'.  So the next time she went on and on and ........ about how they never went anywhere, I put down the 'phone.  She never moaned again.

I take the attitude that now I have left home it is NOTHING to do with family members how I live my Life, including my ills and hospital appts., etc.; I don't want them here when I'm well let alone if I'm poorly  .........  I've dropped the guilt.  There are agencies in my mother's area if she bothers to engage with them 

[Taz2]

Have you got many family members CLKD?

Taz x

[ladybug50]

I have probably said this before - many years ago Mum would ring up and moan that 'we never go anywhere', 'no one ever calls to see us' ......... DH and I went mid-week and the phone never stopped ringing, the door bell went several times - and she answered the 'phone even though we were there for the day  - instead of saying she would ring 'them' back.  i did ask Dad 'is it like this often' and was told 'all the while'.  So the next time she went on and on and ........ about how they never went anywhere, I put down the 'phone.  She never moaned again.

I take the attitude that now I have left home it is NOTHING to do with family members how I live my Life, including my ills and hospital appts., etc.; I don't want them here when I'm well let alone if I'm poorly  .........  I've dropped the guilt.  There are agencies in my mother's area if she bothers to engage with them 

I like the attitude and the outlook CLKD ...will print this and put where I can see daily.