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[Cazikins]

It's a hard time for you HB, & you have done more than a lot of people would have done.
It isn't easy I know.
You are damned if you do & damned if you dont, but you can only do so much.
Please don't beat yourself up over it. Your Mum knows you are doing your very best, it's just that sometimes they don't know how to tell you.

[Pennyfarthing]

I have suggested that she gets someone else to do for her. Her answer to that one was to take to her bed and refuse to speak to anyone. If me or sis spoke she pulled the covers over her head. It was awful and I was backed into a corner. What can I do.....She treats me like #### but does not want anyone else.
Sometimes, although rarely she is really nice....most of the time she is a discontented old woman who hates the world.


Honeyb
X

I think we're heading in the same direction our end Honeybun!
Have just come off phone to my Mum. She's been to GP today and hubby and I are convinced she actually WANTS something to be wrong with her.  She asked the doctor if the hospital notes said anything about her kidney.  When she went for every test known to man (the other week when she said she couldn't see) the Professor said everything was normal, her kidney reading was slightly raised but it was nothing to worry about and would see her for another 12 years (she told him she wants to get to 100).  I heard those words myself.
She also thinks the doctor is not bothered about her because she's not sending her for back X-rays. 
Then she says could we put our mid-week break off because "people" had said it might not be good for her.  On questioning she said it was the doctor and a lady who brought her lunch today. I actually think it's more than likely the brothers.

I said, I can't cancel now because I've paid in full (her birthday present) and she will be staying in a double glazed, fully central heated luxury park home/villa thing.  It is just an hour in the car.   She can knit, watch TV, I've hired a wheelchair if she wants to go on the prom and she won't have to lift a finger for 5 days.  If she's at home she has to cook, tidy up, etc. If she's with me she's treated like the Queen.   I said it's up to her, me and DD will still go without her.  Then she says "I suppose the days will soon pass and we'll be home again. I might as well pack then."   I said "no, no, think it over and I'll ring you tomorrow."
I tell you what I don't know why I bother sometimes and hubby says I am a saint.

[Pennyfarthing]

As I thought, it IS the brother who's putting her off going.  She said as much tonight but she's made her mind up and she's coming.  She says she feels better about it today and is looking forward to it.

I wish she'd listen to me rather than him because he's as much use as a chocolate teapot.   ::)He calls into her house between jobs, uses the loo, makes himself a coffee and he's gone again yet he's telling her not to come in case she takes ill.  I will tell her tomorrow to tell him that we'll only be a few miles from the hospital whereas if she was at home and took ill, it would be an hour's drive!  

[honeybun]

Well sis and I have put our heads together re the food issue. She does not like mine or my sister's stuff so the ingredients will be taken to her and I will supervise her cooking her own.
It won't work and we both know that but we are both at the end of our tether with her and perhaps a lesson will be learned......we shall see.

Glad your mum is going on your break Penny. Your brother sounds as if he likes stirring things probably just to annoy you. Glad he has not managed to spoil things for your mum.

Honeyb
X

[bramble]

Honeybun
My friend's Mum now gets all her meals from Wiltshire Foods and really enjoys them. I think she gets them delivered every 2 weeks and the variety is good. Might be something to think about. It would certainly help you and your sister.

Bramble

[CLKD]

My immediate thought was get Wiltshire Foods in.  She can then have what she likes delivered every 2 weeks, their menu choices are HUGE - my Mum has them and gets on really well.  All microwaved so she doesn't need to use the oven.

Honeybun - you need to step back. Your Mum will NEVER change.  Time for you and Sis to get paid carers in and arrange for meals to be delivered, either by Meals on Wheels    or Wiltshire.  Unless you take a back step you are both going to be too ill to care for her.  You have done ENOUGH!

She is manipulative, un-caring and knows which buttons to push.  I know you have troulbe with the guilt complex and she is aware of that because you keep going back.  Get Social Services and her GP involved, let them tell your mother that uyou and your sister are no longer well enough to cope. 

PennyFarthing - have a nice time.  It infuriates me that my Mum will listen to a girl I was in School with over howevermany yearsago that is  and take her advice: but if I make the same suggestions I get 'oh I can't do that Dear' ........ 

[Limpy]

Honeyb

Wiltshire Foods sounds perfect, go for it.

CLKD is SO right, time for you and your sister to get out of the firing line.
You have done loads, certainly as much as can be expected.

WF may help to reduce the load, well, it's worth a try

[CLKD]

Someone can only hurt us whilst we allow them to do so .......... print this out and put on your Mum's fridge, bathroom mirror, front door .......... 

[honeybun]

We have the brochure but she has decided she wants home cooked. Well she can cook it in her own home.
Time we got a bit tougher. Only trouble is we have tears and tantrums. Sis is going on holiday in a week and then I am off 2 weeks later. We will leave things as they are at the moment and then move things on when we get time.

I do love my mother but I can honestly say I don't like her. I feel terrible saying that but unfortunately it's true.

Honeyb
X

[bramble]

Might be worth just saying to your mum to try WF just until the holidays are over. She might take it better thinking it is only for a short time and then you can reassess once things are back to 'normal'. Sometimes old folk are thrawn just because it's the only thing left to them!

Bramble

[honeybun]

Good word that.....thrawn.   She is most definitely that and crabbit with it.

She has been on M&S small ready meals and has tried so many different things and likes none of them.

It's just something else to moan about. She has looked at WFF brochure and turned up her nose at the choices of the small range.
Meals on wheels in our area has been contracted out to Wiltshire FF so she could get nice meals at a fraction of the price. She won't go for that either.
Tomorrow she starts partially doing things on her own. She will moan at that too but she says I don't cook like she did. I did train as a chef but what would I know about cooking mince....



Honeyb
X

[Pennyfarthing]

What's this thrawn then?  Is it a Northern word. I've never heard of it.  I wonder if there is a Day Centre or Luncheon Club near your Mum where she could either go or they drop a meal in.

Talking of which .... I rang my Mum tonight and it was like talking to a different woman. :)She was chirpy and said she'd walked to her luncheon club and home again today and they'd all made a big fuss of her.  She's looking forward to our break away and I am going on Sat to take her to hairdressers and a bit of shopping.  She is so up and down it's untrue! 

[honeybun]

Thrawn is a Scottish word for someone who is difficult and a bit awkward.


Glad your mum is a bit better today. There are clubs around my mother but she will not go. She does not want to mix with old folk..

She is nearly 91, how old does she think the rest will be.

To be honest I don't think she is fit for anything like that any more.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

Hoenybun - you and your sister need to stick together.  Thrawn is NOT an excuse.  Wiltshire Farms has a HUGE range of recipes/menus to try from.  I think your Mum is pushign buttons again 

Get your holidays over with then make a Plan together.  We are behind you  .  So what if there are tears and tantrums, tell her that if she puts on her parts then the GP will be called rather than you or your sister going over.  Is she worried that should you two stop bending toher Will that she will have to go into a Home?

[Taz2]

My mum and dad hated Wiltshire Farm Foods but they also hated the meals on wheels ones too. I would arrange everything and then they would cancel it all during my drive home! It was so frustrating. I had to have the cooker disconnected after my mum died as my dad was so disabled and poorly and would never remember if he had left a ring on. I arrived one morning to find him trying to cook sausages for me on the radiator. It was such a sad sight - he still wanted to care for me even though he was so ill himself. I guess you never stop being a parent.

Taz x