Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Lavender Girl on August 04, 2025, 02:28:00 PM
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Hi Everyone
I hope you're well.
I'm peri at the moment, on 2 pumps gel and mirena, though I keep upping my gel does, but can't quite find the right balance.
My anxiety is very high, this is largely to do with a personal/relationship issue, but also feel like my hormones have amplified things.
This is going to sound weird but there's a voice in my head every day that says 'I want to die'.
I don't think I do actually want to die, I do want the pain and anxiety to stop though.
Has anyone else had this? I feel a bit mental and have felt like this for almost a year. I'd never take my own life (I hope).. have lost friends this way, but it's just a weird thought that comes in and then goes out again.
But it's literally daily.
Considering SSRI.. currently taking Buspirone, but now worried that's having an opposite affect.
Experiences welcome thank you xx
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I’m sorry you have those thoughts. Perimenopause can be such a difficult journey and although I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I do have anxiety and depression from my hormones.
How long have you had the mirena? I get a certain anxious feeling from levonorgestrel (I’m progesterone intolerant, the feeling I get from levonorgestrel is slightly different, but both are bad), even with the more localized mirena. So, if they started around the time you got your mirena, that might be something to consider (I know lots of people that love the mirena, but a small percentage get systemic mood side effects like me).
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Hiya,
Thank you for this, and so sorry you're suffering too.
Since Nov last year, weirdly Utrogestan made me worse, my anxiety was sky high and very physical.
I just don't think I'm getting my gel dosage right. Started on 2 pumps, was told I could increase to 4 if I still had anxious symptoms and trouble sleeping, started to increase to 3 but that made me worse, I was horrible!!
4 I split the dose and felt that made me worse as well, so am transitioning back to 2, but I just can't figure out where one thing ends and the other starts ya know?
and whether it's just my current situation or the hormones too.. but I've never been so teary in all my life despite everything I've been through.
x
quote author=Konijntje link=topic=72957.msg979852#msg979852 date=1754318876]
I’m sorry you have those thoughts. Perimenopause can be such a difficult journey and although I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I do have anxiety and depression from my hormones.
How long have you had the mirena? I get a certain anxious feeling from levonorgestrel (I’m progesterone intolerant, the feeling I get from levonorgestrel is slightly different, but both are bad), even with the more localized mirena. So, if they started around the time you got your mirena, that might be something to consider (I know lots of people that love the mirena, but a small percentage get systemic mood side effects like me).
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Yes, I can definitely relate. For me, it’s my own cycle that is giving me problems too, I feel it’s very difficult to get hrt right with all the hormonal fluctuations. I don’t have advice on the dosage question, because I did quite ok on a mid dose of estrogen for the first half of my cycle, especially if I did estrogen only for the first half. The progesterone (both my own and the different ones I’ve tried, including mirena) makes me very depressed and gives me physical issues too.
I’m now going to try birth control with natural estrogen, with “friendlier” progestogens according to some women, I’ve never tried newer progestins, so I’m hoping they will work for me.
Did you have the anxiety before you started hrt? Or did it start when you started the utrogestan? When you started hrt, did you also try the estrogen without utrogestan (before mirena)? I’m quite sure it’s the progesterone part for me, since I’ve done about 6 weeks estrogen only after I had my mirena removed, before trying utrogestan again and once the mirena side effects eased off (took a few weeks), I felt so much better. The mirena gave me very bad lower back pain and before my last period with it in, the pain got really sharp for a few days, so the decision to having it taken out, was easy at that point. It would have been a great solution if the side effects from mirena weren’t that severe for me, because of not having to think about progesterone. So, I’m definitely not suggesting to have it taken out, just suggesting it could be contributing to your anxiety and depressive thoughts (I feel mirena side effects can sneak up on you unnoticed, as I had one before for multiple years and only when that was out, I noticed how much “lighter” I felt. The side effects weren’t that bad then, that is why I was willing to try a new one for hrt).
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Hi there..
I'm sorry you are feeling this way..I went through the same thing, i had enough of the suffering and constant anxiety and worry etc...I was.on two pumps.of gel and coil...
In the end I ended.up.on a ssri along side.hrt and after alot of upping gel and it not working I found that dropping my eastrogen did the trick..so now I'm.on one pump and on the whole I'm much better, I still have flare ups depending on life challenges but am able to go with it..
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I think that's my issue too, that mine is still there and fluctuating.
I had anxiety on occasions and it ramped up when I hit peri.
I thought you had to have progesterone to keep the lining thin when you're increasing oestrogen? or do you mean just temporarily? I think only for a week or so.
I seem to get on with the coil really well in terms of physicalities, whether it's affecting my anxiety I'm not sure, but as I say I am going through some emotional turmoil too so it's a perfect storm.
Thanks for sharing your experience x
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Hi Maria,
Yep that's it, I just want to feel differently one day and not feel like it's so relentless.
The physical effect is quite overwhelming, like proper chest crushing lump in the throat pangs in the stomach kind of thing.
I'm very tempted to try that and drop to one pump and see how I go, never been on just one, and keep getting told I should take more as 4 pumps will flatline and override my natural levels?! But I think it makes me worse, but I'm not sure I give it enough chance to settle in to my system, however I find the gel affects me quite quickly?!
Do you apply in the morning?
Which SSRI are you on if you don't mind me asking? and any side effects?
Last time I chatted to the doc she mentioned Sertraline.
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Yes, I meant just estrogen only for a month or so, just to see how you respond to it (I wouldn’t recommend going without a progestogen for prolonged periods, I’m not taking that risk myself either). If you feel like you get on really well with the coil and you had the anxiety before, it’s probably not the coil that is causing it, so that is good.
Both strategies make sense to me. Do you still notice your cycle? If you do, I’ve read some women use less estrogen in the first half (when your own estrogen is higher) and more in the second half (when it’s lower).
Personally, I guess I would try the low estrogen strategy first, because if your symptoms get worse then, your symptoms are probably from low estrogen, so you’ve learned something then. If your symptoms keep fluctuating, it could be better to try to shut your own cycle down (I’m trying that with switching to the birth control) or try to even your levels out (but you’d have to have a very regular cycle for that to work).
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I never wanted to die: simply to sleep until some1 would wake me to let me know that I will never suffer panic attacks. Even now when anxiety floors me my brain starts "I can't take any more".
My GP has recently prescribed Propranolol along with my long term escitalopram to get me over a bad patch.
It may B that you are on 'too much at once' ?
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I tried going higher with the gel but as I mentioned it made me much worse..
We are all different and for some less is the best..
I take citalopram started off at 10mg and now on 30mg, it's took a good year and a half to finally settle but I had good times along the way, I tried 3 others but they did not suit me, as with everything it's trial and error...
I know exactly the feeling you have, it's hard to describe but it's the chest stomach, feelings of doom which do not let up..it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with...but there is a way out...not only with meds etc but yourself also, changing mind set and excepting your body has changed and needs different things now...it's definitely a tough time.
I apply my gel in the evening.
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Yes I still notice my cycle for sure as I'm a lot lot worse the week before but it's now becoming a bit inconsistent so i'm not entirely sure when it is or isn't anymore.
Going to try just one pump for a bit and see how I go. The mental is very hard, my mind is full, but if the physical anxiety symptoms could be relieved a bit then I'd be in a better place.
Thanks for your replyx
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Yep I hear you...I can't believe this is my existence now. Sadness, tears, anxiety.. no real joy in anything anymore.
I used to be on that for migraine, but I don't tend to have panic attacks, mental emotional spirals and the high very physical feeling anxiety though.
It could be, I'm reducing to one pump, just to see how that feels as more makes me worse.. It's hard to give it time to settle in though we all just want a quick fix etc.. but I know that's not how it works.
Hope you're ok x
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yes it definitely made me worse, though I've only just reduced and I'm still bad, so guess it'll take some time to kick in.
With Citalopram did you have any horrible side effects to note? again I know everyone's different just wondering.
I think I'm going to have to go for something like that.
Thank you for getting it and yes that's exactly how it feels, I cannot believe this is my life and has been for the last year, sadness, tears, anxiety. Emotional personal stuff is playing a huge part but my hormones are amplifying it.
That's interesting, I do morning, have you found a difference? x
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How are you today???
I didn't try .morning so I can't compare
Citalopram side effects short term for me the anxiery did get worse for a week this phase I had to be determined and carry on
Light headed, and spaced out..long term it's made me feel hotter generally...
But some people it has no side effects so it does depend on what suits you...
Then upping doses took a while.to get the right dose...have read alot about it...it can take a while to level out but in thay time you start feeling better ....
Maybe ask your gp if you can try it..
Have you tried cbt that helped.me alot..
Don't get me wrong I still have what we call blips/setbacks but it's temporary and you soon bounce back. :)
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Hi Maria,
Sorry I missed this.
I reduced to one pump, anxiety is still there I need to see how I go. There's a lot going on with me though so it's hard to know where one thing stops and the other starts ya know.
I take mine in the morning and definitely feel like it helps a bit.
Right, well I'm speaking to the docs on Tuesday so will discuss Sertraline and Citalopram and see what might help. If i can get the physical under some kind of control I can then work on the mental more.
I've read about CBT but I don't fully understand it or had anyone explain to me how to work through it, but ChatGPT helped explain a bit!! I just struggle to put it into practice when I start spiralling regarding a relationship situation and how and why someone is behaving the way they are for example.
Thanks Maria, you give me some hope about it all.
Hope your weekend is good
x
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LG - we are not here to fix others. We R not responsible for how others react to what we do/not, say/not. R U safe?
I'm a 'rescuer' ::) as well as being reactive and compulsive. Hard to live with :-\
Sometimes we over think the why's/where4s.
CBT is supposedly to teach the client how to rethink the thought processes. This should then avoid the knock on anxiety effect. It needs practice so that we can initiate it immediately any negative thoughts begin. However.
It mayB worthwhile you considering relationship counselling to get a handle on how a professional might help U 2 move forwards.
As a rescuer in recent years I've offered up advice based on my experiences, if people don't take it that's fine. I do however then put foot down with firm hand: U R a big Girl/Boy now and I've pointed U to X, Y, Z so U can take those routes if appropriate.
I've had the 'you don't care if you won't listen' scenario too. Again, a gentle 'pointed U 2 ........ ' at which point Mum said OH I can't do that Dear. Eventually we learned that it was 'won't do'!
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I felt like this before HRT and also when I was using gel. I'm OK on patches though. It might be worth trying a different form of estrogen.
Good luck. It's a horrible feeling.
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Thank you
I am safe
Oh I am the queen of overthinking for sure, and I am having counselling it's just being overwhelmed by the physical anxiety right now, and one leads to the other etc - a vicious cycle.
I'm great at advice for everyone except me.
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Thank you, I will definitely consider this x
I felt like this before HRT and also when I was using gel. I'm OK on patches though. It might be worth trying a different form of estrogen.
Good luck. It's a horrible feeling.
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My husband often shouts when I'm on the 'phone, 'pity that you don't take your own advice'.
4 me it's totally physical and the "I can't take any more" soon creeps in. :'(
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100% this.
Just had a teary call with the Doc, I'm lucky they're so lovely and understanding.
She wants to start me on Sertraline, 50mg once a day and to keep to my two pumps a day of gel.
Review in a month to see if I tolerate it etc.
Nervous to take anything I don't want to depend on it, but she said I will still have good days and not so good days and it will just mean I can cope better on the not so good days, so hoping that will be the case. She also said things you'd previously be able to handle better you just can't in peri, it affects the mood so much etc. All things I have learnt, but when the Doc says it again it just re iterates this is normal etc and they are there to help. Also NHS talking therapy, but said there's a long waiting list. I have private therapy but it's so ££££
Also have CBD oil, but not sure that'll touch the sides really. Today is a bad day and I know that's because I'm pre menstrual and everything is awful in this week.
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What don't you want 'to depend on' exactly? If U were taking heart medication or insulin?
Without my regime I would't be here. What do you call expensive in the way of private therapy? Consider it a way of dealing and healing?
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Thank you for posting this. I feel like that too.
I'm not on any medication. I can't face the struggle (usually unsuccessful) to get a GP appointment.
I just struggle on and hope it will end one day. I'm grateful for the odd times when I feel normal.
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I have just written an essay for you guys and it didn't go through ::)..
Lavender girl...you are doing your best keep going...let us know how you get on
CLKD...you are a lovely person and full.of great advice ;)
Climbing rose...the thought of.meds are very very daunting so.i I understand your worry..they did help me as CLKD says it saved her life and same here...but its not for everyone youust do what you are comfortable with
;) ;)
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Hi,
I'm so sorry you do, it's just awful isn't it?
Today was pretty horrific.
Already collected Sertraline and I'll start tomorrow. Hoping it can help manage the anxiety a little.
Is it worth just trying to get an appointment? even if it's telephone?
No one should have to just struggle on.. :(
Thank you for posting this. I feel like that too.
I'm not on any medication. I can't face the struggle (usually unsuccessful) to get a GP appointment.
I just struggle on and hope it will end one day. I'm grateful for the odd times when I feel normal.
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What patients aren't being told is a) GPs have to offer appts and b) most surgeries have a triage on-line form to fill in.
When depression broadsided me at the end of April I was advised to fill in the form, the Nurse called me within 2 hours and I saw our GP face2face the next afternoon.
Anxiety is my main problem, the physicality floors me :'(
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I will, thank you.
Starting tomorrow xx
I have just written an essay for you guys and it didn't go through ::)..
Lavender girl...you are doing your best keep going...let us know how you get on
CLKD...you are a lovely person and full.of great advice ;)
Climbing rose...the thought of.meds are very very daunting so.i I understand your worry..they did help me as CLKD says it saved her life and same here...but its not for everyone youust do what you are comfortable with
;) ;)
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Tnx Mariab - been there etc..
I had a wobbly yesterday as we are due on holiday next week. OK thus far today ::)
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Thank you Lavender Girl and MariaB for your kind thoughts xx
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How are you doing?
x
Thank you Lavender Girl and MariaB for your kind thoughts xx
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Morning - so far OK. Yourself?
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Hi.
Not been able to read all this thread but read your post and just wanted to say thst was me 2 years ago.
Completely suicidal, in late perimenopause and not in a good placd at all.
I won't go into how bad it got but suffice to say I went on medication as it was do or die.
Citalopram saved my life. Literally. It wasn't an easy road to begin with but 2 and a bit years in and I'm a different woman all because of this drug.
I appreciate it won't work for everyone but there is hope and to hang in there.
Much love x
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tnx for the update Dorothy Gale :foryou:
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Hi Dorothy,
Thank you for this, that is very hopeful.
The Sertraline side effects are hitting me hard, but I'm only on day 5, my anxiety is higher, but I was warned it'd get worse before it gets better so I'm hanging in there as I know it will be get better, well I hope it will!!
So happy to read your success story and that things are good.
Thank you for sharing
xx
Hi.
Not been able to read all this thread but read your post and just wanted to say thst was me 2 years ago.
Completely suicidal, in late perimenopause and not in a good placd at all.
I won't go into how bad it got but suffice to say I went on medication as it was do or die.
Citalopram saved my life. Literally. It wasn't an easy road to begin with but 2 and a bit years in and I'm a different woman all because of this drug.
I appreciate it won't work for everyone but there is hope and to hang in there.
Much love x
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How are you doing lavender girl?
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Morning Maria,
Thank you for checking in.
Suffering the side effects to the Sertraline, but only on day 8 so I'm trying to push through it and hope it gets better.
The anxiety is mentally but also physically feeling quite brutal and debilitating right now. That crushing chest and waking with the sick in my stomach feeling, throat lump etc.
I was warned this could be the case for a few weeks so I'm holding on and just keep saying to myself it's just the meds.
What I have to be really careful about is not thinking about the emotional situation I've been going through as much, which is near on impossible but trying to keep it out my head while I feel this bad in case I start spiralling again.
Last week and the one before were the darkest I think I've had, it coincided with what would be PMT and my period coming, I have the coil, but was bleeding still, so i know it was the perfect storm.
If I can try and flatline some of physical symptoms then I can try to work through the heartbreak stuff.
I've forgotten how it feels to feel happy, and have lost myself right now. Just hoping this isn't my new normal
How are you doing?
x
How are you doing lavender girl?
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I know exactly how you are feeling..I am still.in a blip with the same gut feeling, loss of appetite, morning anxiety etc....but had a good afternoon yesterday so hoping things are settling again...
It is awful carrying that feeling with you but it does stop...is this the first time on ssri???...just take each day at a time.
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It's awful, but determined to stick at it. Yes first time.
How long have you been on yours? and which one again?
Yes all we can do isn't it, even minute by minute. Trying to keep distracted as much as I can.
Hope things are settling down for you soon
x
I know exactly how you are feeling..I am still.in a blip with the same gut feeling, loss of appetite, morning anxiety etc....but had a good afternoon yesterday so hoping things are settling again...
It is awful carrying that feeling with you but it does stop...is this the first time on ssri???...just take each day at a time.
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I'm.on citalopram, I tried sertraline but made me really nauseous so had to stop...
First time round in my experience works abit quicker than second time but I'm sure that being perimenopause etc..makes things abit harder...
You will start to notice that you may have a few mins feeling OK without knowing and then hours then days ..we all ahbe our set back and it takes no end of courage to get through it..so your doing really well 8 days is relatively early but keep in your mind that what's on the otherwise is worth it.xx its ok to cry and fall apart and its ok to feel..let us know how you get on. :)
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Felt quite sick the first couple of days, that's settled a bit and again it's hard to distinguish between that and the anxious gut feeling I get ya know?... it's all just such a mess right now.
That was my other option but Doc said to try Sertraline first as the main one they used for anxiety in Peri so she tells me.
Thank you so much, that's good to know. I just need the edge taken off so i can feel a bit calmer especially around my period time.
Still have the voice in my head daily that says 'I want to die' but it's not as loud atm, so we'll see.
Sending lots of love and thanks again xx
I'm.on citalopram, I tried sertraline but made me really nauseous so had to stop...
First time round in my experience works abit quicker than second time but I'm sure that being perimenopause etc..makes things abit harder...
You will start to notice that you may have a few mins feeling OK without knowing and then hours then days ..we all ahbe our set back and it takes no end of courage to get through it..so your doing really well 8 days is relatively early but keep in your mind that what's on the otherwise is worth it.xx its ok to cry and fall apart and its ok to feel..let us know how you get on. :)
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Hi Lavendergir
Big hugs xxxx
Your post describes how I am feeling so I totally get it. I was like this 3 years ago and got thru it. Its taking longer this time.
How are you now?
Ive been on Ad's now for 7 weeks and increased sandrena gel for 8 weeks.
Things seem to be calming down for me at last. Morning surges and dread feeling only there slightly. I am starting to find my mind is not racing as much. Motivation slowly coming back. Still not quite there.
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Hi Everyone
I hope you're well.
I'm peri at the moment, on 2 pumps gel and mirena, though I keep upping my gel does, but can't quite find the right balance.
My anxiety is very high, this is largely to do with a personal/relationship issue, but also feel like my hormones have amplified things.
This is going to sound weird but there's a voice in my head every day that says 'I want to die'.
I don't think I do actually want to die, I do want the pain and anxiety to stop though.
Has anyone else had this? I feel a bit mental and have felt like this for almost a year. I'd never take my own life (I hope).. have lost friends this way, but it's just a weird thought that comes in and then goes out again.
But it's literally daily.
Considering SSRI.. currently taking Buspirone, but now worried that's having an opposite affect.
Experiences welcome thank you xx
Feeling exactly the same atm, probably round 6 months but feel like its got worse aince the mirena, hope you get sorted
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Hi Mishmash1982
Ahh big hugs, thats a long time to be feeling like you have.
Are you taking anything else? I have the contraceptive implant maybe try without the mirena as I don't suppose it suits everyone.
Its just awful isnt it and I hope Lavendergirl has found that Sertraline has helped her.
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I am so sorry that you're going through this and I understand very well. It's not that you want to die, you just want the suffering to stop. If I am being honest I think you should try SSRI as a faster remedy and then reach for other "fixes". Perhaps consider self referral for mental health help?
I had a breakthrough through Nichole Sachs book "mind your body" and her podcast. Helped really a lot. Short meditations and affirmations help as well.
That being said, sometimes there is a reason why we are anxious, it doesn't necessarily need to be "all in your head" or cause of hormonal imbalance.
I just hope that you will manage to figure it out. And please if this feeling gets deeper just reach out to someone who can help xx
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Felt quite sick the first couple of days, that's settled a bit and again it's hard to distinguish between that and the anxious gut feeling I get ya know?... it's all just such a mess right now.
That was my other option but Doc said to try Sertraline first as the main one they used for anxiety in Peri so she tells me.
Thank you so much, that's good to know. I just need the edge taken off so i can feel a bit calmer especially around my period time.
Still have the voice in my head daily that says 'I want to die' but it's not as loud atm, so we'll see.
Sending lots of love and thanks again xx
I'm.on citalopram, I tried sertraline but made me really nauseous so had to stop...
First time round in my experience works abit quicker than second time but I'm sure that being perimenopause etc..makes things abit harder...
You will start to notice that you may have a few mins feeling OK without knowing and then hours then days ..we all ahbe our set back and it takes no end of courage to get through it..so your doing really well 8 days is relatively early but keep in your mind that what's on the otherwise is worth it.xx its ok to cry and fall apart and its ok to feel..let us know how you get on. :)
Hi, I know it's for a different purpose but my son has taken sertraline for quite some time for quite bad anxiety attacks. I know he didn't get relief straight away and they changed the dose but it really did rescue him. He's was on the verge of losing his job. That and some CBT sessions. He's done really well since then. Not cured but he is on top of it and can enjoy life. I hear a lot of negativity about drugs for mental health but I dread to think where he'd have been without them. Hopefully you will also start to feel improvement.
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That kind of thought popping in every day can feel terrifying even when you know you don’t actually want to act on it. A lot of people hit that loop when stress and hormones collide, it’s like the brain throws the same awful line on repeat. It doesn’t mean you want to die, it means you’re overwhelmed. An SSRI helped quiet that noise for me when Buspirone didn’t do much, so it might be worth talking through with your GP. You don’t have to sit with this on your own.