Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Ladybt28 on August 26, 2019, 11:14:38 PM
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So just when I thought I had things sorted and for once in my life I as actually going go accomplish something and it was going to go right...well...its not, it hasn't and I'm so p'd off cos I fell into the trap of thinking it's ok.
And its not to do with the menopause really or is it?..or is it just the last 15 years of things being s*** that I have got used to it and I just expect it and then again...do I make it happen like some kind of sabotage. I cant even find an appropriate place on the forum to post "fed up with the world generally...and why am I still here?" urgh >:(
As you can tell people, it's past midnight - down the rabbit hole again and its all about first world problems "the decorating" of the little office which has kicked it off, which has been a nightmare from start to finish...hardly a catastrophe I hear you shout, but no its brought up all sorts of things I thought were gone...but clearly not. I am so tired of living...it's beyond a joke....how much more of life's crap is one person supposed to take before they just give up. The "wonderful husband" is a "pain in the arse"...what goes on in his head? What goes on in their heads?
I'm so bored I cant even be bothered to explain it but I feel so upset I just had to write it down, I feel so upset...oh and by the way I know it makes no sense but I hope I will feel better when I have got it off my chest..or not?
40 years of crap all the kinds of crap you can imagine...and just when I thought I could cope with the little things turns out I can't. Did my failings turn me into this loon, did I do something to deserve it or did the crap use up every ounce of energy and patience I have for anything however big or however small now I am some useless, insignificant, pedantic, wizened past it...57 invisable something?
Lost it this afternoon and evening and there is no rational person in my head. Back where I was a year ago...there is no sane person in my head...oh dear what will you all make of it? ....but one thing I have learned is not keep this in..so now it's out..!
What's out? you say..I don't know just frustration I suppose....just fed up with the world. x rant over sorry :'(
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Hello Ladybt28,
I'm not sure I can help (not sure I have understood what is the problem), but just want to say these things come and go, just let the feelings flow and go away. Don't dwell on them. One thing that is positive about menopause (one must look for the positives!) is that I have become more aware of the fact that I am in control of absolutely NOTHING. That can be liberating, once you accept it and relax!
Have a late night hug!
BeaR.
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Hi -I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it's just so damned overwhelming and you overthink , overanalyse and over catastrophise everything. Plus, you feel that the old you is no longer there and you don't like the new you.
I would agree wholeheartedly with BeaR. Try and be kind to yourself and maybe your GP could recommend some CBT to try and get you thinking a bit differently about the here and now. I think it might help the feeling of being overwhelmed and yes, quite often I think we feel like this due to hormones ( or lack of them ) x
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Hi Bear,
The problem is one which is underlying and which is part of my core personality I think and these issues which come up no matter how hard I try to deal with them came up again despite years of counselling and knowing that it happens and I shouldn't buy into it, plus havinging been given endless strategies, I just cannot pull them off. I try and and accept I have absolutely no control of anything but I really don't do very well. As I am getting older, I just don't seem to have the strength to do battle with the world like I used to.
My husband is a wonderful man and I absolutely worship him but like any human he has some flaws. He doesn't react to any form of stress well and when we first met 20 years ago he was very ill with mental health issues which caused a number of behaviours which during our first few years shook my trust in our relationship and being the kind of person I am, which is a true Capricorn through and through, I never really recovered.
For the first time in 10 years, as you know from my posts, meno made me very ill and in truth I only just got away with my life I have been able to start doing things again. Working properly, not being a little agrophobic, looking after the house as I would like and doing some decorating...you know acting like a "proper" person, like the ones you see around you. So we embarked on some DIY - decorating a room. Husband wanted to do it (and he is good at DIY) and I didn't have any reservations, I like or used to like DIY too but gave it all up (everything in my life except existing) because of the meno "illness". So it was a difficult room to prepare (long story) and it has taken nearly 2 months and everything we have touched has either gone wrong, had to be redone, broken or just not been right (for example a brand new door I ordered has 2 big chips out of it when delivered yesterday) - so husband has reverted to his behaviours when stressed and of course he pushed all the buttons, from my pastas a teenager, my general insecurities and all the ones he made a million time worse over a good few years - and well I just don't deal with these things well and now I am older I can't seem to deal with "anything" however small.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and my whole life seem go have been one long series of circles. No matter how much I try to get control and deal with my issues, or however long the gap between them, they always come back and bite me in the bum and...there I am...back to where I was again..down the rabbit hole. It's like being trapped....my life has trapped me and now I am too old and too ill to escape xx
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MicheleMaBelle - I have had counselling, CBT, 40 years of AD's, visits to the doctor in crisis (AD's didn't help - they made me numb, my life passed me by) I'm bored with trying to fix it...40 years of trying to fix it...when do you give up? What do "they" (not sure who they are?) but.....they say "you should know when to quit". I know what the problems are and I have been given strategies to "cope"...loads of them over the years but it just doesn't seem to work. Something happens and down we go again, and I am just getting so tired of picking myself up and going on again. I've asked for help and in some cases (better late than never go it) but to be honest at the end of my life there wont be much to sum up, I just can't get it right.
Its getting harder and harder - how do you make it stop?
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Thanks Birdy.....yes it's a major wobble, but they hit harder and harder....and then they set me off down the road of the last 40 years...how did I get here, how did it happen...how do you keep brushing it off and going on again? The meno drugs are working...so now there is no excuse...it has to be me doesn't it? It has to be me, in my head that can stop it. My mum used to say "there is never anyone to blame but yourself"...."you make your own luck"....I still don't know how that works. When you see these "life coach" types they are always going on about self-reliance...and "making things happen". Well...looks like I must have manifested in the universe the rubbish stuff and not the good stuff and I'm tired.
I get to a point when I have faith and then.... :steamed: poof...it's gone again and back to square 1 we go. x
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I can relate, I sometimes Think was I a murderer in a previous life and all this bad luck is karma!
I think is this it! Is this my life? I hardly have any friends (mainly my fault) I'm always worrying about money and as for my health!
It's so hard but I just tell myself keep going, just keep moving forward.
Last week everyone was overwhelming me, I even felt a pain asking for help in this group.
But try and put things into one task at a time, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to, and if you have to say no to people do it without feeling guilty.
Also try and do something for you,go for a walk, listen to so,e of you fav music, go shopping or a pamper?
Here if you need to chat xx
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Lady.
I understand totally the fear of not wanting to "go back to that place". That fear in itself causes us to feel so much worse and I think that's what's happening.
You are dealing with some life stresses at the moment. You wouldnt be human if things didnt get to you. But our past experience with our mental health makes us panic and think that we are going right back down. There is no reason to think that lady. You have come so far, but you are not perfect, no one is, and you are not a machine.and when life throws things at you you will react to emotional and stressful situations sometimes even subconsciously but it isnt permenant. Keep telling yourself that
You havent stepped backwards, just maybe knocked of course a little.. It's not the major uphill treck it was before to get back on that track. It's only a few steps. And a few steps is do able. I know it's hard but the only way to get on top of that fear is to focus on the here and now. Just because something has happened in the past doesnt mean its bound to happen again. You are still doing well. Just dont let that bloody fear win.. please let it out and keep talking about it.
certainly for myself, no counsellor or psychotherapist has ever gone into. , how I actually feel about having had MH issues which have impacted my life so much over the years. I wish it could be talked about more. I think its overlooked . I carry with me . Guilt , regret and self reproach to name a few. I'm only saying this as I sense it in your last paragraph. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I have to try to block it out but I just wish it was easier to talk about maybe it's just me. But . It's certainly a question no one ever asks.
It's a long post but I realy wanted to reach out to you lady you have been so kind and have helped me so much. You always have wise words you are so thoughtful and considerate. You know something,? I think you are a real good 'en. And you have far more to offer and gain from life than you think ❤
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Birdy, are we telepathically linked or something.?
Pressed send at same time..
Anyway lady. Birdy is right. She often is :)
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Ladybt....I've felt in the past few months/weeks that you and I are very similar and our journey through this menopause maze has been very similar . Your posts and positive comments and support have helped me a lot. I feel that I've found a friend and ally in you even though we've never met.
Things will get on an even keel again soon x
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Tc - guilt, regret and self-reproach by the bucket load! And yes Birdy - that "bloody womens voice" (my mum) doesn't help. Bit like CKLD and other peoples mothers that was her favorite mantra - in fact it was one of her "life lessons" - whatever happens is down to you, fullstop and "you only have yourself to blame" oh an another favorite of hers was "you should have know better". It wasn't something that developed, it was a lesson from a very early age....she balanced it with "always put others first and then yourself". Which gave me an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, a feeling that if things go wrong, its down to me.
I know all this, I was put in counselling at 15 for gods sake! and I thank you for all your kind words and I know what you say is probably true but here is the question and its the biggest life question for me for as long as I can remember - after years of being told this and going round and round in circles - how do I get my brain and my emotions to actually believe it! - I cannot for the life of me get hold of this idea and keep it! I cannot ditch this idea that lifes trials and tribulations are not down to me?
If I could keep all your ideas and the counsellors ideas and really believe them - then I'm sure it would be sorted but no one can really tell how I actually make that happen and it's proved elusive so far.
I wrote a timeline of 40 years for a counsellor once of life events and traumas and she just said "well looking at that, all I can say is you have true courage - how are you still here?" But really that doesn't change how I feel inside - knowing and doing are too totally different things - I would be like you TC and until now apart from counselling and this forum I have never breathed a word of how I feel to anyone else and I don't think we talk about it because somehow it is admitting outloud that we failed and then if we do that, we may never get back up again. xx
I too wish we were all closer - I might actually have some friends but when we live like this for all those years you cannot let anyone in, in case they see you for the fraud that you are.
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Lady. You are not a fraud. Or a failure. A pshycotherapist once asked me (when I said that about myself). "Do you think that about other people if they are struggeling". My reply "of course I dont". She said "oh, so you're different are you? You're supposed to be better than everyone else". And I said "well YES!!". I shocked myself. It made me sound like I think I am better, which I dont.just that I think I SHOULD be.
I didnt want to explore it further with her I shut her down because all of a sudden all I could hear was my dads voice. "You should know better". "I expected so much more of you".
He was harder on me than my sister. She was allowed to fail. I wasnt. All my mistakes seemed huge to me.
Something terrible happened to me when I was 15 and I didnt tell a soul and havent to this day. I thought it was my fault. I thought my parents would be dissapointed in me.that I "should've known better".
have always steadfastly refuse to talk about my childhood in therapy.
Anyway i think what that psychotherapist was getting at which I'm trying to say to you was that we expect more of ourselves tthan we do of others. We see ourselves as a failure when we certainly wouldnt put that label on anyone else. But you are right. How do we change such ingrained ideas. ?
It might be controversial, thing to say but for me personally I know deep down i have never opened up in therapy properly. I've only realy skimmed the surface.. there are places I wont go. Maybe we have to knock all the bricks down first to rebuild our thought processes and I have never allowed a therapist to do that
Have you heard of "DBT"?
I asked about it but not available in my area.
Xxxx
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........ AND BREATH!
Old habits really do form how we react. We are told certain phrases over and over until they become real. It is often easier to go with the flow than challenge them. Mum often said "If I were you" and when I explained that "Actually Mum, you aren't me" I got a slap. Hard. She didn't smack often but it was a gut reaction. But she isn't me :bang:
When I stepped into Mum' house I would become the little girl, it's hard to walk in now that she is in Care and realise that I can do exactly what I like ::).
Decorating brings out the worst in most people. Add to that the intense heat! A recipe for a row I would think. How are things this morning?
You both have habits that kick in when stressed. What we agreed was that DH would walk away. When ever I flared he would leave. That was a reminder that I was OTT. Also, I had to learn to listen to him. As someone with obsessive traits in that I go at something I believe in like a dog in a corner shop, I have to stop when he suggests act I do so. That took years.
Half a day at a time! Works for me in the main. That way I'm not disappointed when things go arse up.
One stranger who I met 10 years into our marriage laughed at the way I spoke to Himself ......... but even knowing that I didn't alter my stance ::). Because of reactions on here when I give support and because of friends that I have made outside of the village where I was raised, I know my worth. People tended whilst I was growing up to be friends because of who my parents are ::) so it was lovely to have people seek my company when we moved from there and began to make our own Life.
Look at your skill base.
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Lady, i honestly could have written your post...…. i have always thought there is something wrong with me. i am kind to everyone. i am thoughtful and generous, and i have worked hard all my life, yet i feel distraught most of the time. i find life incredibly difficult. many days i can't see a way forward, i feel there is a block in my brain that tells me that joy is not mine to be had, that i always see the stuff that could go wrong, and then it does.
oh Birdy, you truly have had an awful time - but how do we get a grip on it...I just wish someone had the practical step by step answer
A pshycotherapist once asked me (when I said that about myself). "Do you think that about other people if they are struggeling". My reply "of course I dont". She said "oh, so you're different are you? You're supposed to be better than everyone else". And I said "well YES!!". I shocked myself. It made me sound like I think I am better, which I dont.just that I think I SHOULD be.
Have you heard of "DBT"?
Xxxx
TC - I think you are right...I wouldn't be as hard on someone else as I am on myself but I just think I should have it sussessed!
and no I haven't heard of DBT...how does it work?
CLKD - I was at my mum's beck and call and nursed her till she died. I was 32 - I know what you mean about "becoming a child and how the house influenced your behaviour. I still do that when I go to the flat cos my dad is still alive and living there, he is 92 but I am still his "little girl" and I'm 57!
Things this morning are frosty and there is an atmosphere because he is a sulker…... >:( Me...I say my piece shout scream and wave my arms about and then it's done.....move on..... The sulking and the hiding from the argument just makes me worse but I do seem to have got more intolerant of this as I have got older...I just dont have the patience for this crap like I once did. Yes we both have habits that kick in but after 20 years you would think we would have learned not to fall into the trap or do something different.
I am so grateful for this forum...I can't say how much :'( - how do you learn how much you are worth please when what goes on doesn't seem to reflect much? I think I have lovely virtual friends here on the forum...you might just stop me falling completely into the abyss and your wonderful words make me cry....I just don't want to go back to where I was an irrational, looney tunes...I just want to be normal xx
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And there is that fear lady. It's just that. It's a fear. You are having a tough time at the moment but it doesnt mean you will end up back where you were. You have changed. That is not going to be reversed overnight. Its tougher to get through life for some of us than others, we must be pretty strong to still be here. And the most important thing is to keep talking about how you feel. We are here to support you.
I was interested in DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) because I have EUPD which is basically another name for borxerline personality disorder and it's one of the things DBT is used for. .I've linked some information. I was told it's not available from my MHT n my area for outpatients. Xxxx.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-overview-of-dialectical-behavior-therapy/
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yep sulking is passive aggressive and that's what he does, but behind my reactions to him and Tc may have hit on something with dialectical thing (it would apply more to him than me as his is a rare personality disorder) is that before we met he had developed an "unhealthy coping mechanism" and psychs can't find out where it came from, which manifested itself in the first 7 years of our marriage in what is know as disassociative behaviour, which can be quite extreme but me in blissful ignorance didn't know anything about it then. eg he could actually "check out" at any time or place (usually precipitated by some form of stress however small) and when I mean "check out" I mean I actually lived with a different person who did not love me or who "woke up" and couldn't understand why he was living where he was.....it sounds extreme...and it sounds to most just like bad behaviour but it was very real and I can honestly say that during these episodes he lost time...place...awareness, memory everything. When it first happened he woke up one day, go halfway through the day as my loving amiable husband and then by 11 o'clock decided to leave me as he didn't know why he was married to me. His disposition his voice, he demeaner changed completely and as this went on there were witnesses in the family who also said "what's happened to Brad - it's like he's a completely different person". Mind you he could change back at the click of finger and not realise "he had been away". But I didn't know any of this, it is something I learned and learned about and for which he has sought treatment, but I found it very traumatic. It was particularly bad for 7 years and got less so after treatment. I understood very early on he had the ability to become one of those people you hear about on the telly who walk out of their homes and are never seen by family or friends or children ever again...the missing...who go and lead another life....which is totally terrifying.
It is in fact a very rare, unusual mental health condition and psychiatrists loved him (athough it took me 7 years to get him to one. How do you persuade someone who has no recollection of periods of time to believe they have a problem and it wasn't until his daughters begged him and he said alright I will see someone just to shut you up but there isnothing wrong). Psych aways started the conversation with "oh I've read about this in books but never actually met anyone with it" - well yippee I asked "do you know how to help"? So over 20 years they have helped, only no one helped me with the scars, it left on top of my own insecurities.
Things have been under control since June 16 but when anything, however small, comes along to upset the apple cart together with my own stuff..I know I just can't handle it and I am terrified and on top of my traumatic menopausal journedy where I have been terrified anything I do may set it off, I just don't react well.
So yes Tc fear rules the day. I have changed you are right but as we all know it is overwhelming and illogical and quite uncontrollable and intertwined with other "stuff".
Birdy - OH leaving - and taking time out is my worst nightmare..it pushes so many buttons, it's unreal. I think that although it was only stupid stuff about decorating, some subconscious thing set me off and I just lose all reason around those kind of "stressor" issues with him which others would take for granted, plus meno made me afraid of my own shadow although that general idea in other things other than OH have gone.
It's like an uncontrollable bomb goes off in my head - thinking about our spat today, and my reaction to it and the things I have written...I think it is that fear which has made me loose the plot. I am sure I would have been much worse if I wasn't able to write it down and maybe work it out.
OH is making dinner as we speak but I am still on high alert - you could be right Tc my reactions are heightened and I need to turn them down. xx much love to you all...I am so grateful.
I would love to tell you Birdy if I knew how to fix the self-worth and the negative self-talk and dealing with stuff you cant control - god I'd be the first in the queue to tell anyone how to get out of the shit we seem to put ourselves through as women generally. If its not husband, partners, friends...it's parents, children and life in general. I love you lot xx
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Nothing to be frightened about Birdy, it wasn't just fight's or words or an immediate stress trigger...we could just be bumbling along with the day, him telling me how much he loved me and how wonderful I was and be talking about all the things we were doing and about our life together, or putting the washing out, or doing the dinner or he had just bought flowers...ordinary life stuff and then....just like flicking a life switch...all gone.....and a new person in it's place, who didn't love me and looked at the flowers like they landed from another planet...and wasn't building a life with me.... and had no idea why he was cooking me diner...so no you don't have dissociative disorder I promise xxx It's completely different from "shutting stuff out" because it's uncomfortable...I don't want you finding something else to worry about ;)
yep its a lot to deal with (when I describe it which I have only done 2 or 3 times in 20 years, it sounds too outlandish to be true, the kind of thing you read about in fiction, but believe me not fiction and I sound stark staring bonkers to myself) but so is being brought up in a cult, and abusive relationships and being abandoned Birdy. How I wonder can the world be so awful? We hide too much from the world, I think in case we are judged. One lady who wrote me a PM today said "no one speaks honestly" and "the world seems to be lacking in warmth these days", I think she is spot on. Since being on the forum and "being honest" for the first time in my life about the rubbish stuff (actually out of pure desperation) I have found a world I didn't know existed and I am so grateful that no one judges here, and there is plenty of warmth and I'm not alone and there is so much goodness to come out of the awful stuff, if we share it.
How are we?....I'm exhausted and want to sleep for a week...which is all this emotion and fear and he still has a frosty core but is thawing. There has been nothing close to "one of his episodes" as I call them...just a bog standard marital row....but for us nothing "bog standard" about marital rows...they may have unintended consequences down the line that I wouldn't see comng till they hit me like a train.
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It's the first time in my life, today I have not felt alone Birdy...and I am so grateful....more than words could say. Yet that feeling.... that absolute void, it's very scary and when it becomes an integral part of your life that you learn to live with year after year...that's sad and scary. You know it needs shifting but the process is beyond you because no one can tell you how to actually accomplish it and then what happens is it becomes a constant battle and search to control something that you have no idea how to control. I think it's the futility of it all that really drags you under, if you find yourself staring at it in the cold light of day, rather than the battle itself. The battle itself requires strength, and most of us are far stronger than we give ourselves credit for but its when we look back then the drowning starts. Well that's how I see it anyway. I'm not sure any counsellor unless they had been there to that extent themselves could ever "get it".
Yep...in my experience...life's s**t...more often than not! xx
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Is OH getting ongoing support with his memory problems? It sounds like a head injury-type issue, have you spoken to the Charity 'headway' [you may have said previously ....... :-\] who may be able to offer coping strategy for you if not for him.
Many people 'shut off'. Children lose the ability to talk .......... I think many who are on the autistic spectrum shut down in order to cope. The hurting part of the brain closes which allows the person to function but not as others around are used to. It's easier for a child to shut down than an adult who has learned to conform.
Different things trigger people, i.e. mown grass and smells; sounds - I go into fear mode if Mum calls to DH and I'm not there to see what the fuss is about :-\. Many want to walk and walk until the problem goes away, however, most take the problem with them or have to return eventually.
Half a day at a time Ladybit28. Maybe "I'm sorry for my part in the latest upheaval, are you able to let it go so that we can sort out today?"
You keep telling us if it helps. But I feel you need local support from a professional for emergency situations.
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No ongoing support for OH. It was difficult enough to get the first round of help. Subsequent ones had to be requested by OH and he would only do that when it was crisis. Last lot June 16. Crisis means when and full blow episode which lasts more than a week. When we first met the "episodes" happened nearly every week, lasted an hour or half a day. Then I realised that they could come and stay for 2 or 3 days. The very worst one...I lived with a complete stranger who hated me for a month!
Firstly with most mental health people they cannot support what they don't understand, or they cannot see. OH couldn't explain or recount what he couldn't remember! MH professionals base their treatments on the premise "patient must seek help" but my issue in those early years was, he had no idea what was happening and could only take our word for it. After the first set of psych visits which lasted nearly a year, there was a marked shift for OH, but it is something that will always be there. In the early years I spent 24/7 on high alert, then there was improvement and on 3 occasions I have been lulled into a false sense of security because there have been gaps for years. Then Boom...there are very tiny and I mean tiny warnings which are easily missed, sleeping would be one...or excessive tiredness, but when the "switch flicks", it is immediate and then we are stuck, with the "new OH" for however long and all that brings. The one in 2016 was a massive episode for him and it lasted about 6/7 weeks. I actually sought a solicitor..I was in peri at the time, quite ill myself and not able to deal with it all. The MH people don't consider me in this at all. And there in lies the problem...my scars from the experience...are many and on occasion my reactions are subconscious when it comes to him. I would never react with another human the way I can sometimes with him
Its not a head injury CKLD...His is described as an "extremely dysfunctional coping strategy" which they say he developed very young. Despite MH exploration they cannot find the source event. His, although sounds extreme to the average person is mild...the extreme cases of the behaviour can be found in victims of long term ongoing abuse, sexual or otherwise and the very extreme cases go on to develop "multiple personality disorder", which is why I feel I live with a "different person" when it happens. It will always be there, it is much better than it was, but my fears will also be there because there is not rationality, reasoning or logic attached to this part of the past.
I just have to sit it out when it happens, in the "episode" sorry doesn't make a difference because he has no idea why I am sorry or why I am important to him enough to be sorry! In this instance where it was "just a row" I can be sorry but it wont stop the sulking...I have to sit that out too.
As I have said, only our sons and daughters and his sisters know. His sisters don't believe it....the children have got to grips with it and my very best friend from school who is a rape counsellor and was instrumental in those first 7 years, turns out she has actually counselled a victim with multiple personality disorder which I thought at the time 20 years ago that "you only read about in books". Now my friends on the forum know, it does help, particularly as now in meno and with all my own meno problems I have had and my past problems...the simplist thing seems to throw me off course. Tc mentioned the fear of "relapse" in myself...I think that is what this is and why I got in such a state. xxx
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Hi again,
How are you feeling today? Your situation sounds really stressing. I have a schizophrenic/borderline sister who has promised to turn our lives into bloody hell, so I have an idea how you must be feeling, although I know your husband is a good person. I'm sorry I can't be of any help, I still have physical symptoms when fear/anger/frustration strike, but my anxiety levels have decreased a lot lately, just by accepting that I'm not in control (as I told you before). I'm not on HRT, I have tried and failed, but now I'm coping much better with menopause issues. Do you think your HRT is stable, regarding hormonal fluctuations?
Hope you feel better soon.
BeaR.
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I think in terms of the hrt, Bear it probably is stable although its taken a whole year (but then again, does an hrt regime ever become really stable...they are so up to fluctuations set off by other body chemistry???) ... but the other things that go along with that which I find difficult and weird is that I was on AD's for 40 years and latterly of the 40 years on pain meds too but I gave them all up 4 years ago. I am having to learn to live my life without all that, deal with the issues all those meds brought (the side effects, the feeling numb, the sleeping a lot and what that did to my life) and all the issues they masked. I was put on them firstly at 15, so it's not like I learned to live a life without them and all my experiences and reactions have been framed around them. It's a very weird feeling...in the 4 years without any of them but the hrt, I have experienced feelings good and bad that I have never really had before...throw in the meno thing and with it only just being sorted...it doesn't really take much to throw me off kilter from this "new me" and throw me back to some of the old patterns which are so familiar but which really don't have to exist anymore. It took a while to realise that feeling better on hrt meant that I couldn't escape from Reframing 40 years of my own stuff.
What has been so wonderful is that when the blind panic set in I was able to get it all out on here instead of keeping it all inside and I think I have probably got my head round things a bit quicker and worked out what is going on. The support from the ladies means the total irrationality didn't take over and let me get stuck in the rabbit hole! I don't have any actual friends to share with and before the forum I would have just got "stuck in my head" for months with things going round and round. The ladies here know what its like...a giant washing machine on permanent spin! so yes I am better Ta very much xx
Glad to hear your general anxiety has dialled down a bit...I think sharing and support here on the forum provides a bit of perspective. I find it helpful maybe that its what is changing the way you think about things...but it takes some getting used to.
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So just when I thought I had things sorted and for once in my life I as actually going go accomplish something and it was going to go right...well...its not, it hasn't and I'm so p'd off cos I fell into the trap of thinking it's ok.
And its not to do with the menopause really or is it?..or is it just the last 15 years of things being s*** that I have got used to it and I just expect it and then again...do I make it happen like some kind of sabotage. I cant even find an appropriate place on the forum to post "fed up with the world generally...and why am I still here?" urgh >:(
As you can tell people, it's past midnight - down the rabbit hole again and its all about first world problems "the decorating" of the little office which has kicked it off, which has been a nightmare from start to finish...hardly a catastrophe I hear you shout, but no its brought up all sorts of things I thought were gone...but clearly not. I am so tired of living...it's beyond a joke....how much more of life's crap is one person supposed to take before they just give up. The "wonderful husband" is a "pain in the arse"...what goes on in his head? What goes on in their heads?
I'm so bored I cant even be bothered to explain it but I feel so upset I just had to write it down, I feel so upset...oh and by the way I know it makes no sense but I hope I will feel better when I have got it off my chest..or not?
40 years of crap all the kinds of crap you can imagine...and just when I thought I could cope with the little things turns out I can't. Did my failings turn me into this loon, did I do something to deserve it or did the crap use up every ounce of energy and patience I have for anything however big or however small now I am some useless, insignificant, pedantic, wizened past it...57 invisable something?
Lost it this afternoon and evening and there is no rational person in my head. Back where I was a year ago...there is no sane person in my head...oh dear what will you all make of it? ....but one thing I have learned is not keep this in..so now it's out..!
What's out? you say..I don't know just frustration I suppose....just fed up with the world. x rant over sorry :'(
Good morning, Twin.
Could not have put it better myself
J
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I find when I get these feelings if I lean into them and accept them they lose their power.
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A neuro-psychologist would probably find this of interest. Multiple PD crossed my mind as I dropped off to sleep last night ::). Coping within a different persona in order to survive.
Does he wear a tag, should he go walk about and turn up not knowing himself, he could be taken into safety and the returned home. A neighbour has a tag as he has dementia. It has his home phone number on, his GP contact number and his wife's mobile number.
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Hi ladybt28
So I'm on holiday and been without WiFi nearly a week and logged in soon as could as needed some more advice before tomorrow and then I saw you're post as I sent mine! (“Advice please ladybt28, hurdity, dotty etcâ€) I really hope you feel lots better than you did the other day.... I read through quickLy and with tears in my eyes and love in my heart. We are all here for you and each response post from the other women - birdy, tc, dotty, etc just shows you that- you are not alone and I'm so glad you reached out and shared and let that shit come out rather than residing inside lovely you. Keep sharing and shifting. Sending you all my love. X
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sharing and shifting love it! :foryou:
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Birdy? 🔝. 😆...............or did you mean to put that? 😆
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Love ya Ladybt.... :bighug:
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Haha birdy those friends are shit friends. X
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I haven't had a good curse yet today ;D
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Ohhhhh, I definitely have! 😬
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❤️❤️❤️ You are all just so lovely!
Sharing and shifting...is brilliant jmargaret Birdy- behave yourself! Luv Ya Too JD x
CKLD - you shouldn't be thinking about MPD just before you go to sleep :-\ think about ice cream, or buns, or hedgehogs but not MPD that's for sure! (the problem with that disorder or as in OH who is borderline, the person "is" who are they are at any given moment and will present with that "persons" characteristics. The Health professional or the finder etc doesn't know that what they see before them is not the "norm"!..... anyway, that subject is far too heavy duty for bedtime reading!
and JayJay…..sorry you feel that way...urgh...I didn't even think really about what I was writing it was just instinctive.
Let's just say, I have crashed completely and had a duvet day! based on the assumption that if I don't fight "it" glve in and write off the day, I will wake up tomorrow being able to pick up where I was or at least back on the right path...well I hope so anyway. I feel achey and buggy so that might have contributed. Will report in tomorrow xx
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Morning! I think of weird and strange things in the night especially when alseep :D
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Just wanted to say that sometimes ' faking it' is a good short term strategy.
I got through my wedding by channeling Audrey Hepburn. My husband broke down in tears
three times and couldn't complete his vows (He is the strong Yorkshire non emotional type!)
I (The wobbly, anxious Midlander type) - thought I wouldn't be able to do mine I was so upset for him.
So I pretended I was Audrey Hepburn for some bizarre reason and I will just filming a wedding.
And I got through the wedding without totally loosing it!
Strangely enough my very nervous, emotional, shy son has to do a presentation today in front of his
school in his prefect/team leader elections. He is terrified. So he is going to pretend he is Paddy
McGuiness. He did a read through last night in Paddy McGuiness mode and the difference was amazing.
Maybe not a life long strategy for good living though, but certainly one for a short term coping boost.
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Hi Ladybt - I have only just seen this thread as I pop in and out and don't read all the threads.
I really can't offer any words of advice as your situation is beyond my experience, understanding and expertise but just to say you have been amazing generously giving advice to other women on here and especially when you yourself are going through so much.
So here's a :bighug:
Take care
Hurdity xx
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I often pretend to be ME.....in the hope I will re-emerge! 🤷♀️. 😉