Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: CLKD on January 03, 2014, 04:18:01 PM
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::) what is it with some? I know of several women of a 'certain' age who hang onto stuff 'for best'. When I went through Mum's airing cupboard searching for clean T-towels recently I could find plenty of grey/worn/holey cloths, not even suitable for washing the floor with. I was told that "I only get my best ones out for special visitors" .......... his (late) mother was the same, the hand towels in the bathroom were full of holes or worn so that they no longer soaked up, when we turned out the very back of her cupboards there were new towels, some still in the packages >:( ........ my friend's M in L is the same, slightly younger than the 2 mentioned ...... again, only gets her new towels out 'for best'.
Seems family aren't included then >:( ............
Pants the same. Well worn, with holes ...... but clearing out cupboards we find lots of new, still in the packages ........ nighties, boxes of soap/talc; bath towels, slippers, bathroom mats: all 'for best' :-[
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Omg you're describing me! ;D
Seriously though I do keep some stuff for best, clothes mainly, then they go out of fashion. So have decided to start wearing & will recycle others.
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I know what you mean - this drives me nuts :bang:
We moved my mother a couple of years ago and my husband and I organised the move. We had to buy her a bigger house to get all her stuff in - she wouldn't be parted from anything!!!!! We did manage to throw a few things away without her noticing. Some years ago she was complaining about her back aching and I suggested she get a new bed - well - she insisted on keeping the bed base as she claimed it was perfectly good but agreed to a new mattress - the new mattress simply sagged in the middle because the springs in the base had lost their spring and we had to get a piece of wood to put between the base and mattress grrrr…….
Her wardrobe is filled with things 'for best' & every old tea towel/ bath towel is kept 'just in case' - she tries to offload things onto us on the basis that 'they are still perfectly good'!!!!!! we just take them straight to the tip.
My lovely mother-in-law used to keep water in old milk cartons as she was convinced there was a water shortage!!! We gave her all sorts of lovely presents for birthday and Christmas and after she died we found them all neatly wrapped - kept 'for best'.
I do think it is a feature of the generation that went through the war and nothing was thrown away.
It has made my husband and I very minimalist - we're always throwing things away.
I'm going to paraphrase William Morris now - "Do not have anything in your home that you know to be useful or believe to be beautiful"
Do any of you do a wardrobe edit each year? I intend to do one next week - It's wonderfully cathartic and gives a great excuse to buy a couple of news things to give you a lift. DG x
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Agree with DG, my OH has the war mentality (generation gap, don't get me talking about food!!)) I have moved around the world all my life and we never accumulated stuff, I have always been a minimalist, and feel stressed and sometimes overpowered since OH has been living with me, he won't throw anything away and we live in a tiny house.
Gradually I am de cluttering my stuff, but its hard to get OH to do the same.
I know this thread is about mothers, OH gets on very well with my ex mother in law, they talk about make do and mend, and never throwing anything away.
Hasten to add I would not swop him :)
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I've been trying to get hubby to declutter forever! Not sure what he's keeping stuff for. I dump it on the floor then he keeps 90% of it.
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It definitely is the make do and mend idea. My mum is 89 and the other day she told me she was hand washing one of her favourite sweaters. She said one of her sisters bought it for her and she loves it. That sister must be dead 20 years! She has masses of new clothes ...... I am always encouraging her to spend her money on herself as she didn't have much when we were all growing up. She loves clothes, shoes and accessories but doesn't get rid of the older stuff very often. ;)
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It definitely is the make do and mend idea. My mum is 89 and the other day she told me she was hand washing one of her favourite sweaters. She said one of her sisters bought it for her and she loves it. That sister must be dead 20 years! She has masses of new clothes ...... I am always encouraging her to spend her money on herself as she didn't have much when we were all growing up. She loves clothes, shoes and accessories but doesn't get rid of the older stuff very often. ;)
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My mum had piles of new sheets stored, bought in sales, which never saw the light of day.
Mum also made her own pants! She refused to pay m&s prices for the ones she liked. They were horrendous. Got so faded from washing. They were truly dreadful.
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I have to ask. How do you make pants. ;D
My mother has good stuff and uses it. She is forever getting us to replace things. She did spend a lot on clothes and shoes but is now rarely out so does not buy so much.
Honeyb
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Well she took a pair of m&s ones, they were made of fine lawn cotton, cut pattern out on brown paper. Off to remnant kings, do they still exist? Bought similar material, cheapest she could find. Cut out pants, sewed & voilà ! Can't imagine they were very sexy, but she swore blind they were most comfortable.
She attempted many things. Even a patchwork bag. Except hers wasn't leather, but a really cheap & nasty backed plastic. Definitely make do & mend generation.
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I remember my mother making me a bikini out of a beach towel ;D ;D
It sagged when it got wet.
There were many homemade clothes when I was little.
Honeyb
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My mum used to make me pinifore dresses and skirts, she did buy blouses however.
She also made a swimming costume with a ruched elasticated bodice and skirt, that sagged big style when wet.
Apparently it wasn't meant for swimming. ;D
My brother always seemed to get brought things.
Mind you perhaps she wasn't happy doing trousers / shorts ???
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My mother was very good with the sewing machine. It was my dad that did the pattern pinning and cutting though.
I remember them recovering a sofa and chairs.
There was not much money around and they made what they had go a very long way.
Honeyb
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Cut out and ready to sew anyone .........
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My daughter does. Designs and sews without a pin in sight as part of her BA course.
Computers are used and its all very very complex.
Have to say I am impressed at what she has learned to do.
Honeyb
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Before having kids I made own stuff a lot. Hubby bought me sewing machine, which has gone to sewing machine heaven now. :D
My mum & siblings used to make loads. My mum made my wedding dress from a Mary Quant pattern. I still have dress, though it would never fit now. My daughter tried it once. She said I must have been unbelievably thin as it wouldn't fasten. She was about 16 and skinny. It would have been about 6 inches too short though.
All I do now is knitting for wee ones. But eldest one is very fussy, so don't even try for her now as she would turn her nose up, no doubt. I did make her a ballet cardigan, can't really go wrong with that as they've never changed style over the years.
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Before having kids I made own stuff a lot. Hubby bought me sewing machine, which has gone to sewing machine heaven now. :D
My mum & siblings used to make loads. My mum made my wedding dress from a Mary Quant pattern. I still have dress, though it would never fit now. My daughter tried it once. She said I must have been unbelievably thin as it wouldn't fasten. She was about 16 and skinny. It would have been about 6 inches too short though.
All I do now is knitting for wee ones. But eldest one is very fussy, so don't even try for her now as she would turn her nose up, no doubt. I did make her a ballet cardigan, can't really go wrong with that as they've never changed style over the years.
The trick with knitted stuff is to buy really nice yarn and look at what clothes and accessories for kids are in the shops so you get an idea of whats on trend. Lots of my friends are having new grandchildren and I've noticed that all the young mums are getting them photographed professionally and they get them wearing all these cutesy hats with big flowers etc. I have just finished crocheting my niece's daughter (18 months) a lovely red hat with green leaves and a stalk on top which looks like a big strawberry. Mum approves and loves it!
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Wool is so expensive these days. Sometimes it's cheaper to buy the ready made thing in the first place. I enjoy knitting though and like to have something on the go.
Honeyb
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Charity/vintage shops have wool ………… as well as old patterns
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My daughter and her partner fill me in awe with their creativity. Being self employed has been a financial struggle. Last year, they made a bag for out of recycled material for me. He is a wizard with the sewing machine ( need a tent no problem!) and she sewed on a collage. I love it.
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Drive away awning? ;)
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Drive away awning what ???
That's what you gave your mother, or is that what she gave you.
Honeyb
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I think CLKD wants Ju Ju's daughter to make her a drive-away awning for the camper! They are a free-standing awning that you pitch and can leave on site while you go off visiting for the day. It's then ready for you when you get back, providing extra living space and saving your pitch into the bargain!!!
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Aaaa, I knew what it was but did not get the connection :o
Maybe Pennyfarthing could knit her one ;D
Honeyb
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She will need to find waterproof wool. ;D
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I often wondered how sheep keep dry ;D ;D
Just shows the state of my mind. :o
Honeyb
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:thankyou: Scampi ....... ;)
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I often wondered how sheep keep dry ;D ;D
Well, apparently what happens, is that the top layer of fleece forms a waterproof layer which prevents rain from getting through to the soft under wool.
When it is raining really heavily, sheep stand very very still, so the top layer of fleece remains intact.
It's true I've seen it, just out of the kitchen window this morning........
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Wool is full of lanolin which causes water to run off it ;)
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Mothers - Honeybun, seems your sister has thrown a spanner at you again? She'll get over it, your Mum has probably pushed her buttons too ::). Well done on putting down the 'phone, gives her some thinking time!
Stick to what you know. You have had a stressful 3 months and there will be some winding down time for you and your husband. You do enough. If your Mum wants her food cooked differently then arrange for Wiltshire Farm Foods to deliver and introduction pack and get your sister to cook ;)
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I enjoyed clearing out after Dad died - Mum is already given stuff away ……… but it will be interesting to see what memories appear eventually ::)
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My mothers house is pretty full of...stuff.... It would take an age to clear. Don't think we will be doing that any time soon. I have decided my mother is a force of nature and will be there forever ;D. Both her and her sister have problems but are as tough as old boots really. Must be in the genes.
Sister is not speaking to me it would seem. She let herself be wound up by mother and then flew at me. Eventually I told her it was none of her business what I did so now she is in a massive huff. She is a control freak and is not used to any opposition at all so that did not go down well. Her choice and as I won't be calling her this could go on for a while. Peace perfect peace.
Honeyb
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;D ……….. let your sister stew? Will you still be visiting your Mum on 'your' days and what will stop you ;) ……. isn't a little bit of you curious to know what pushed her buttons this time :whist:
Trouble is with mine: she will tell me that she speaks to my sister in a way that makes me think she has rung, but my sister then tells me 'Mum never rings'; then Mum will tell me that my sister only rings when she knows Mum [which is most days] is out so that 'I have to ring her back' - NOPE Mum you don't ::) ……… my sister works shifts so probably rings when she is on days off ……….
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Oh I do know CLKD......mince ;D
Honeyb
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My Mum used to iron absolutely everything - but not very well - right down to hankies, pants and socks. It's made me go completely the other way - my poor Hubby has to beg me to iron a shirt and trousers to out in, in the morning! ::)
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Can't Hubby iron ::) ……….
Mince ;D - never the big issues is it ::)
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Can't Hubby iron ::) ……….
Nope. Can't/won't, CLKD.
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Bit like me then ;D …….. I only iron absolutely necessary trousers that have hung over hangers for too long.
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Does anyone know this poem? It is so true of my life.
This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Bramble
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Had kids bramble and doing my utmost to make sure I don't make the same mistakes. Think I'm doing ok up until now.
My mother was the queen of manipulation for so many years. It was all in her favour of course. Now she has memory issues and she can't remember what she says and to whom. It causes all sort of problems between me and my sister as mother sits back like one of Macbeths witches and stirs as hard as she can.
No worries.....it's Sunday tomorrow and sis will be doing a reading in the church. She will be full of churchy feelings and full of forgiveness and will phone me as soon as she gets home to apologise for being an a##.
Some hope ;D......
It's mothers big wash day tomorrow. I have told her to put the machine on in the hope I will be there. It's freezing hard and there has been no sign of a gritter here. I am at the top of two very steep hills. Hubby won't let me drive if he thinks I may prang the car.
Hope my sisters churchy feelings are in still in place when she has to deal with the washing if I can't get there ;D
The very bad bit of me hopes I am well and truly stuck in the morning hee hee.
Honeyb
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I am at the top of two very steep hills. Hubby won't let me drive if he thinks I may prang the car.
Honeyb - I'me sure he's worried about you pranging yourself - not the car.
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Umm, possibly although the two hills are very close to the house.
I drive out of our street and then drive for about 100 meters then turn down a 1/20 hill for another 50 meters. Then another turn and it gets even steeper and that road meets the main road.
It was a bit scary today as we ended up facing the wrong way as the wheels locked and we drifted. I shut my eyes to be honest. If you hit the main road at the wrong moment :o
Mother won't get that bit at all.
Hubby drives to get the papers on a Sunday so I will just have to wait and see what he says. He has had to leave the car parked at the bottom of the first hill, along with all the neighbours ;D....and walk home.
Hey ho sure sis will be more than happy to help ::)
Honeyb
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The thing is Honeyb if there is ice on the roads you can't take the car - just too dangerous
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That's exactly what I am thinking Limpy.
All joking aside, it's a sheet of ice out there tonight. My daughter has gone out but her boy friend came to collect her and he has a four wheel drive. He said the hills up here were a bit iffy. Maybe that's mechanics speak for slippy. He wouldn't let my daughter drive....he will bring her home later tomorrow and told me he will take her to work tomorrow evening.
Now, do I think my mother will care....now let me think....thinking hard.....um nope. She would encourage me to walk. 15 miles ::)
Honeyb
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Does anyone know this poem? It is so true of my life.
This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Bramble
Dear, oh dear - speak for yourself, Mr. Larkin!
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Oh dear, today I had very little patience with my Mum today. Can I let off steam?
She rang in a panic today as in the news they have reported heavy snow in the USA, particularly in Maine, where my son lives. Did I know if he was ok? As it was I had received videos of them in the snow, complete with dog in little booties and coat. As I pointed out, snow is usual in winter in Maine. They are set up for it, snow ploughs, winter tyres, trucks and tractors with snow ploughs attached. They're used to it. Oh, she said, all the cars are buried in snow. Not theirs, I said, they're in the garage. How's he going to get to work as he's a paramedic.? I countered with the fact he is an intelligent man, who won't go anywhere if he can't get out and pointed out my DIL had been told not to go to work as they knew the snow storm was coming. Next, she started fussing about the snow coming here and then she couldn't get out. I replied then she would have to stay inside.
Please don't let me get like that, looking to worry about things that may never happen and if they do can be dealt with. Give me patience. Do other elderly parents get in tizz like this?
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You join in, vent away :D
Mum's invented problems with which to feed her paranoia since before I was born >:(
I think that older people have too much time to worry about 'what if', they see and believe what they read in the papers and see on TV.
Tell her that my friend in Canada had 10 feet of snow over-night which fell onto 20 foot from the previous 2 weeks ;)
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I have given my kids very strict instructions.....if I get like my mother then shoot me ;D
Says it all really.
Honeyb
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That's what mine said, or 'put me into a home' - - however >:(
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This annoying habit of getting anxious about the smallest things and creating problems where there are none is something we seem to develop with the menopause. Look at how many of us suffer dreadfully from anxiety when the menopause hits us. Anxiety about the smallest things creates fear and I find the only way to deal with this is to face it and deal with those silly problems - will I be able to do this in 20 years time? Who knows?!. I am constantly striving to make life simpler and easier to manage now, so in the future I will have less to worry about. I think it's stubbiness and, for many, an arrogance that make people think that things have to remain the same and they try to keep control when they should actually allow others to help. Joanna Trollope's latest novel "Balancing Act' dealt with this very well - a good read actually.
I once read something very profound 'If we want to keep our independence it's about knowing when to ask for help and accepting help when offered'. I was constantly quoting this to my lovely mother-in-law who was fiercely independent and because she wouldn't accept help she had to go into a home.
Letting go of control and accepting change are difficult. If we don't want to be like our mothers are now we need to start changing now. HRT may help many of us. DG x
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I would love to down-size. However, my Mum is giving me stuff each time we go so that we don't have to clear up her house 'eventually' ::) - so I have boxes to sort through here >:(.
I would miss our garden dreadfully. That will be the hardest part to give up ………..
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It's not just mother's... my dad's house is full to the brim. And he still buys things from charity shops, stuff he doesn't need. My mum was a hoarder too, but it's got worse without her! As for keeping things for best, dad insists on wearing jumpers that have holes in them, while he has a pile of brand new ones in the wardrobe. And don't get me started on hand towels :D. I've learned not to fight it, although thing's have been known to just 'disappear' ;D ;D ;D
I have a more minimal approach to home decoration, which I think comes from all the 'stuff' that would fall out of cupboards when I was growing up at home - plus I lived out of a suitcase as a student for a long time ;)
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I think we often go in a different direction from how we grew up. My mum hoarded stuff and the house is full of ornaments, some lovely, but lost in the clutter. I live in a house without a lot of storage and don't like clutter. I'm good at decluttering. I don't like dusting, so not a lot of ornaments. My daughter lives in a tiny house and is comfortable with clutter, though she has had to declutter to make room for her son! She insists being untidy is a sign of a creative mind! She's an artist. I love the clutter in her home, just glad I don't have to clean it! My son would love to live in a tidy house, but finds it difficult to achieve. He used to be so grateful if I sorted his room out, when he lived at home.
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I think many of our generation are viewing clutter and hoarding as something negative in our lives. Before Christmas I finally got round to having our family 8mm films (that had been put onto VHS) transferred onto DVD. I sat my mother down with my laptop to watch all that lovely film of our childhood and she had a really happy couple of hours. I now have CDs to give my kids to keep but they are small and practical instead of a big box of film that cannot be seen unless you have one of those old fashioned projectors. I'm actually going to see if they can't be stored on a 'cloud' for future reference as this would be even easier.
One project I'd really like to do is put all my photo albums onto DVD or memory stick or cloud. I have inherited so many albums and the photos are deteriorating and will doubtless be thrown away if my kids can't kept them. I think there are some really good ways to downsize without compromising too much.
I have found it really freeing to reduce and organise things - my husband and I redid our wills, looked at our financial situation, made plans for our bodies when we die and we are constantly sending stuff to charity shops, ebay or the tip. Less is definitely more. My mother keeps pointing to things in her house and saying she wants us to keep and appreciate them - I know they will be sold or thrown away so I simply nod and smile to try to reassure her. That generation went through the war and one never threw anything away - it's a different mentality now.
I have a lovely home and a good size garden and I love it here but we are realistic and know that one day we should downsize not just to a more practical home for our needs but also to free up finances to help our kids on the property ladder and prevent the government getting their hands on our hard earned assets when we need care or die.
JuJu - I don't buy the theory that creativity needs clutter - I need things to be sorted to free up my mind for creativity.
CKLD - I would really miss a garden but eventually a small patio with pots would suffice.
I am learning to 'let go' and I'm finding it really good for my health and wellbeing.
DG xxx
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It does clear the head, mine aches thinking about it all ::)
I have photos. Postcards. All require sorting …… social history if nothing else!
Don't get me started on the old towels ….. a few weeks ago I put some of Mum's grubby ones into the washing basket and she moped around her house muttering 'has anyone seen my best towel' …… then flew off the handle when she was told it was grubby >:(. accusing me of saying that she lives in a dirty house. As for the bath mats, last year they weren't washed between C.mas 2013 until November! I suppose she looks at them and says 'it'll do another day' …… :-X
His mother was the same, we found piles of new towels when we cleared out but in the bathroom they were thin and had holes in some >:(. My Mother's cutting remark is "I only get out the best for when special people visit". Narcassism can be cruel :'(
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DG. That was DD's excuse for clutter! Not mine! I think I'm still creative in my less cluttered environment. I have more room to think! ;D
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I would say I have a relatively clutter free house but my daughter would disagree ::)
I do like my things, and have a few small collections and bits and bobs that have been acquired throughout thirty years of marriage.
I do like organisation though and if things get untidy I get stressed. It's just got to be tidy.
Honeyb
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I hate clutter it makes me anxious, but OH is different and does not like to throw anything away, I have become clever in throwing things away without him knowing.
Having said that I do feel its getting the better of me sometimes.
OH has just bought "personal cloud" holding 3 terabytes so I am in the process sorting out what we want stored on it and then the disposing of CDs and DVDs. I have my books and audio books stored on the amazon cloud so have only a few favourite hard books. In the spring I will have another clear out of my clothes to take to British Heart Foundation.
Well that's my clutter tackled but I give up with OH's stuff.
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Mum always said 'they don't put pockets in shrouds' yet she still filled the house with 'stuff'. She was a very generous person though... would give anything to anyone.
I tend to declutter by giving to charity. In fact, I can feel another declutter coming on! the things that really matter to me are the photos, the family trinkets/jewellery that have been passed down the generations, and my family history research... I have a shelf of folders, full of information collected over the past 20 years. I'm in the process of scanning everything. Which satisfies my OCD tendencies!
CLKD, glad it's not only my dad who hangs on to the oldest towels, the ones with holes in ???
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It's the fact that they won't throw anything, Mum won't even use old ones for floor cloths ……. >:(. However I would never throw stuff that belongs to DH - I would feel violated if he threw any of mine items.
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I am talking about domestic items CLKD, old pillows, old crockery etc. bits and pieces that "that might come in handy" and never used and never see the light of day. Jars and jars of odds and ends ::)
I would never touch his personal items, clothes and files (loads of files) I just try to encourage him to sort those out himself.
I think if it isn't useful or beautiful its not necessary.
Like grumpy I keep photos, jewellery my personal files including My Family History research, but clear my drawers out regularly to get rid of clutter.
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My hubby keeps his clutter in the garage thankfully. Boxes of nails and screws and...well you name it he has it including power tools. If anything needs fixing he always comes up with a part. The last time we moved house it took him a week to pack up his stuff. As long as it's outside I don't mind, that's his domain.
I do have a good clothes clear out twice a year when the winter clothes go away and the summer ones come out.
I do have loads of stuff that the kids drew or made...every report card from nursery onwards, baby books and school photographs. I just could not get rid of any of them.
Honeyb
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They are still his belongings though :-\ …….. if my Dad sent me to the garage for an item, it would be exactly where he said it would be. Old jam jars upside down held by the lids contained nails or screws in varying sizes etc..
Mine probably wouldn't miss anything ……. however :-X
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'One man's junk' as they say ;-)
We have relatives who are true hoarders... they are elderly now but the floor and surfaces are covered... carers & cleaners go in, but I guess they just have to work around it. Pretty soon it will become too much of a hazard for them :-/.
I have the urge to clear some drawers out :)