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Author Topic: Depression due to loveless marriage  (Read 1553 times)

Padine

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Depression due to loveless marriage
« on: January 16, 2021, 09:15:28 PM »

 Sadly, I’ve finally realised why I’m unhappy within myself. Nobody would know as I put on a very brave face but I can’t try any longer. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Some people feel the rain, others just get wet

CLKD

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2021, 09:59:49 AM »

We all need to feel validated, whether it's at work, in friendships, with partners, parents ........... we need to feel listened to and cared for.

C-19 is allowing many to reevaluate their relationships, bringing out the cracks that no one wants to address.
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Changes can be scarey, even when we want them!

sheila99

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2021, 11:00:31 AM »

Covid is making everything so much worse, you're forced to spend more time with him and the normal escape routes - friends, activities etc - have largely gone. Is there any possibility of relationship counselling? If you're unhappy something needs to change whether that's inside the marriage or out of it. Do you have any close friends you could confide in?
 :hug:
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monalisa

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2021, 04:26:57 PM »

Was in a bad marriage for years had four sons and after 20 odd years he went off with another woman thankfully the  marriage was finished anyway and it was relief for me but I went through hell with him trying to force me to sell the house court battles etc no financial support from him for my boys etc.

Moving forward several years after me being a single mum with my boys I went on a dating site and met the most loving caring man a real gentleman old school we married and 12 years later we are soul mates

I would never have believed it in a million years how my life has turned around now , dreams do come true .
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Padine

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2021, 04:37:19 PM »

We had a huge row then decided we didn’t want to split up. I told him how unhappy I felt with eg. last Monday after my gruelling hour+ gyn appointment, I was putting my jacket in back seat and he told me to hurry up and get in as other cars may need that waiting space. Never mind how are you? Or anything, I felt really hurt. I didn’t bother with other grievances eg. he doesn’t like me using my phone while watching TV (I do get that but there are adverts and boring bits of the news) He hasn’t read anything about menopause I ask him to, he doesn’t believe it lasts 10 years (peri - post) he thought it lasted 2 years! But he can be loving at times  and I don’t want for anything, so I’m going to be more assertive, and concentrate more on good points of our marriage.
C 19:doesn’t help either !
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Some people feel the rain, others just get wet

Sage 🍃

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2021, 04:54:48 PM »

Was in a bad marriage for years had four sons and after 20 odd years he went off with another woman thankfully the  marriage was finished anyway and it was relief for me but I went through hell with him trying to force me to sell the house court battles etc no financial support from him for my boys etc.

Moving forward several years after me being a single mum with my boys I went on a dating site and met the most loving caring man a real gentleman old school we married and 12 years later we are soul mates

I would never have believed it in a million years how my life has turned around now , dreams do come true .

What a wonderful outcome, monalisa! Thank you, it gives me hope!  :-* :-* (one for you and one for your soul mate)
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CLKD

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2021, 05:10:00 PM »

I think we get into ruts.  We need to be more open.  How about the pencil conversation - with someone to over-see that emotions don't get out of control Pandine?  The idea being that the 1 holding the pencil has the table for 10 mins.  The other jots down irritating issues from that conversation.  A break of 5 mins then the other person responds.

It can take weeks of 1/2 sessions.  But it takes the heat out of what can become repeated issues raised in each argument.

Also: 'how does X, Y, Z make you feel' rather than 'when you say/do X, Y, Z it makes me feel ....... '
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Sage 🍃

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2021, 05:11:33 PM »

Padine, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I think marriages are alien creatures, I could never understand them! Just wish you lots of patience (breathe!) and little joys (we usually forget them when we're stressed) and that your husband can see what a great wife he has!  :-*
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Avalon

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2021, 09:41:51 PM »

Oh yes. As soon as we were married i was dropped. He was an abusive, porn addicted wanker. No affection whatsoever. Much coercive control, emotional and psychological abuse. Sex only when he required it yearly to 18 monthly. He wouldn't take responsibility for contraception so i ended up having 5 children. Didn't realise my intolerance of ocp was progesterone related. Took a long time to get away from that control freak. I think he was going to kill me but intelligent enough to realise he didn't want to be stuck with the children so one day he up and left. Still bullied me thru the court system and tried to have them taken away. He has a blog and fancies himself a writer. One article he says it is necessary to yell at people to get your point heard and some numbskull followers actually like that! He yelled at me in Beaudesert Hospital (name and shame), me sobbing, maternity ward and noone batted an eye. The staff wrote in my notes (which I obtained last year) that 'A appears supportive'!!
I have steered clear of men for aeons but lately been reevaluating and it's causing much sorrow. I don't think my dreams could come true, Monalisa  :'(     
 Best Wishes Padine. It sucks the life out of you to be stuck with someone heartless.
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Always question the narrative. It may save your life.

Padine

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2021, 04:03:56 PM »

Oh dear Avalon, my heart goes out to you and admiration for being such a brave lady. His blog shows the fool he is but I’m guessing no one has the courage (or can be bothered with such an idiot) to disagree with him. Good that you are no longer together and I’m sorry you had to go through all of this.

How are your children? I do hope some, if not all of them support their Mum. If you’d rather not speak about this anymore I quite understand. Wish I could help.
 
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Some people feel the rain, others just get wet

CLKD

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2021, 05:17:26 PM »

Padine - R there trigger points?  R they the same all the while - I remember my parents arguing and it would same old. Same old.  But that never solved anything as they were not listening  >:( and now that I know that Mum has narcissistic tendencies I am aware of the undercurrents.

Does DH want to change anything?
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Changes can be scarey, even when we want them!

Padine

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2021, 08:34:50 PM »

Not really CLKD, but he doesn’t like me being “lazy”, he is ALWAYS busy but sometimes I like read a book or watch TV as we are retired now. And I argue when he makes a comment. Our boys tell him to leave me to do what I want. This past year has been the worst scenario possible as we can’t get time apart. I think we’ll get through it  :)
Thanks for asking , doesn’t look so bad written out 🤞
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Some people feel the rain, others just get wet

CLKD

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2021, 09:39:06 PM »

His always being busy doesn't mean that you have to be up and at it.  We do different things at different times.  After years of depression when I was unable to do much so every day is a bonus.

Are there chores that you could do in the morning leaving you to please yourselves after lunch?  That's how we work ;-)
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Changes can be scarey, even when we want them!

groundhog

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2021, 12:23:18 AM »

We had a huge row then decided we didn’t want to split up. I told him how unhappy I felt with eg. last Monday after my gruelling hour+ gyn appointment, I was putting my jacket in back seat and he told me to hurry up and get in as other cars may need that waiting space. Never mind how are you? Or anything, I felt really hurt. I didn’t bother with other grievances eg. he doesn’t like me using my phone while watching TV (I do get that but there are adverts and boring bits of the news) He hasn’t read anything about menopause I ask him to, he doesn’t believe it lasts 10 years (peri - post) he thought it lasted 2 years! But he can be loving at times  and I don’t want for anything, so I’m going to be more assertive, and concentrate more on good points of our marriage.
C 19:doesn’t help either !

Padine,  I can relate to what you say. We’ve been married 40 years and it’s been difficult.  I’ve had an op pretty much every year of our married life and the last one caused life changing complications and now a pandemic to add to everything !  I’m not consistent, at 10am I wanted to leave forever as he told me I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher properly 😡 by 3pm we were walking by a river holding hands.  I’m mega sensitive, he’s a dinosaur.  It’s difficult.  We are in a Covid rut and together 24/7.  We’ve had couples counselling and she thinks we can weather the storm .
I hope you can too, it’s a rollercoaster for some of us so it’s hard to make a decision and be sure as I know I’m not consistent.  Good luck, hope it works out ok x
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CLKD

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Re: Depression due to loveless marriage
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2021, 09:50:30 AM »

Of course, it's not a pencil at all but a wooden spoon ............  ::)

How do you intend to bring problems to the fore so that arguments don't become a habit without solving issues?
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Changes can be scarey, even when we want them!
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