Not asking for medication recommendations as like many no way of changing anything just now and nor would i ask. Ive had mental health gripes and issues, tho not extreme, most of my life. In honesty i think theres a personality disorder which has been passed from grandparent to mother, to me. Not extreme just enough to make dumb arse mistakes and feel different from most folk. A trail of drs refused to rule it in when i was treated for depression (hospital once) but asked 4 different occasions if i had ADHD (i dont know YOURE the doctor😕) . Pills for 30 years, came off due to health scares then realised i may need a micro dose to temper obvious (to me) highs. Tho sometimes have "out there ideas " and bit nicer when high. I will add when younger wanted my kids that i didnt plan for, liked being proper family , tried not to be my mother, tried to give my kids proper childhood but was still always childish and naive. Made so many mistakes in life i wish i could change...
Only when major depressive episode happen did i lose some feelings, quickly decided to fake it for kids. Knew they had to feel loved. Whether i was a good mum was a different question. Over the years its got better, sometimes comes back, ive strategised ways round it. Trying to "do the right thing", tho id kinda know what that was , "do what i should". I feel less of a grown up than most of my peers but go through spells of getting it all right. I met my husband of 3 years (8 together) and really felt what love was and why people actually get married but last year or so as Menopause has crashed into life has it changed again.
Im on not my original hrt but its passable, brain is passable, tiredness is ok (touch wood) but have come and gone on antidepressants, as first few weeks i feel even more numb (if thats possible!) My mother was always right and very negative which i could see i was more and more like. Parts of my personality not likeable to me (and irritating to others), which i try hard to control but it slips out , so i tried hypnotherapy which worked to an extent tho stopped feeling guilty spending hubbys hard earned dosh (he hadnt minded but again i felt like a spoiled child).
A close friend admitted menopause depression to her made her feel a spell of not really contected to grandson (not bothered) tho didnt show it. I was so glad she told me as her explanation totally summed up how i felt.
I want to go back to learning but cant choose (the right) course as cant make a decision, no desperate passion to do any one thing. I love my husband but feels like 70% , the zing isnt there ( like its locked away not gone) my kids im fine, this whole Corona thing ... i see headlines of folk losing family members, i feel fear but i dont read to quell anxiety . I feel a tad sad for them but its like my empathy is redundant (i know ive felt better than this before). I feel as if unaffected by it. Originally ott cleaning and afraid to lose husband and panic, afraid to get it , (somehow kids would be fine?
) Now just as if im on a different planet to everyone else but im not depressed as such.
Im not asking for diagnostic here. Am i the only woman on here who feels like this even without history of mental health issues. Not meant to be whiny, not in the face of todays world. There are greater problems. I just hope maybe in a site of 1000s of women someone can tell me im not alone, maybe its "normal", maybe its not(!), theyve felt the same. Thank you. Stay well all x
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Topic: Apathy , disaffected? Mental health question (Read 2344 times)