Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[jillydoll]

Yes Racjen,
Therapy does sound like a good idea.
Getting it out helps enormously. I've never had therapy, but I suppose talking to my OH counts as that, and I've probably sent him round the twist for it, but if you haven't anyone to talk to, writing it all down helps too. I've done that, the amount of paperwork I've shredded in the past is unreal. Xx

[CLKD]

I had intermittent talking therapy for 3/4 years in the 1990s.  Venting really helped and now I can't remember why I went to the sessions  . Discuss, decide, ditch.

[jaypo]

You sound like me Birdy,parents couldn't care less about me,looked after myself my whole life,only now that I'm married to a wonderful man that I've let ANYONE in.low self esteem,no confidence but I do get along with people but at arms length. I think most of us have dark thoughts,most of us are way over half our lives,life is cruel and short but I always think that I've had it way better than some and I try to be grateful for that

[CLKD]

Not a stupid question at all!  Bad parenting is so disappointing for children.  The feeling of not being wanted, loved, cared for can be devastating.  Children need warmth, food, cuddles; to be noticed. Valued. 

My parents argued.  [long story short].  My sister is my Mother's favourite child.  But I understand it more now.  Also, having talked to a favourite aunt 5 years ago, I found out that my hidden memories were real and not imagined.  It validated mine [and her own] feelings about certain events.

You recognise why you feel like you do.  What does your partner suggest?  Could you write a letter to your parents, in order to vent your feelings?  It won't be posted but it gets it in front of you.  Then you can break down the salient points. 

What have you achieved over the years?  Schooling? Friendships?  Reading, writing, sums ..... (I still can't do adding up etc.  ). 

Work commitments?  You could use your creativity to build a good basic wardrobe.  You come over really well in your posts on here!  Your creativity could become a hobby 

Do you not take care of yourself so that you disappear from your surroundings?  Your partner presumably cares so perhaps talking this over would be a starting point?  Make lists.  Things that are good on a daily basis as well as things that you avoid.  I love making lists ;-). 

Make lists too about what you would like to do - if you didn't have anxiety and if you felt better about yourself. 

Anxiety: for me it's intenseness naseua with the fear of being sick or seeing someone else ill.  I avoided pubs at chucking out times from an early age.  I don't go near anyone if they even look as though they will cough  .  It starts near my belly button, weakness goes into my thighs, into my calves and then I'm curled into a ball. Shaking violently.  The emergency pills saves my Life!  Even though I know that anxiety is a saving grace it overhwelms me ...... with anxiety we wouldn't stop at the kerb for example which would be really messy    .

I don't cook.  I have a husband who enjoys it.  He has to cook for himself so makes double ........ some is frozen so we have quick meals for when I get suddenly hungry. 

I think it is natural to wonder about end of life etc..  But if we have a good support system, a good GP and Dentist, these things go back into context.  I have all these issues, last thing at night ......... but in the day, because I can keep busy, they are less of a problem.

Talking therapy really helped.  Discuss, decide, ditch.  Our history defines us of course, because it's what makes us who we turn out to be.  However, if you realise that it wasn't your fault: for example, how were your parents treated whilst growing up?  I know that had I produced children that I would have parented the same way as my parents shouted, controlled, didn't listen - instead of treating a child as a small person!  I would be a better Mum now than in my 20s 

Make that list!  Go through your wardrobe to see what you own.  How your pieces would fit into your daily life-style should you want to go for a walk, into town for shopping, into the garden to sit or do some weeding.  Would going to a beauty counter for a make-over help? if not now, at a later date?  Getting nails done? 

[jaypo]

Not really Birdy, I like to walk dogs though,you?

[CLKD]

I chose a man un-like my parents ;-).  Someone who loved me as I am, not as they wanted me to be!!  Accepted me as I have turned out to be, including the anorexia, depression, anxiety which made me housebound.

I also made up my mind that as far as possible, I wouldn't shout to get my own way or to make him do what I wanted.  It took a LOT of practice!!

My parents didn't have a TV.  We read.  Played board games.  Walked a lot.  Everything was done because my parents wanted to do things as well as my having ballet and music lessons. Not my choices but hey ho!  Mum made cut out and ready to sew dresses for us.  Dad mended toys.  We had cycles, roller skates, scooters ........ but were only allowed to go up and down the path outside the house so that we 'didn't bother' anyone!  So a lot of control went on.

We both had hobbies whilst growing up.  Some we carried though to being married and now: fishing, walking, gardening; reading, pen-friends [me], TV although we watch different programmes  - stamp collecting and board games when we first married as we couldn't afford a TV.  (Long B4 computers and internet were even though about).  We still have our Amstrad record player  .

I don't do sewing but he can if pushed.  I don't do cooking - but he does ;-). 

[jaypo]

It's difficult,especially for husbands etc,I can't believe sometimes he loves me,almost because I don't deserve to be loved,ive never loved anyone til I met him and I was 48 by then,just couldn't allow anyone close.my daughter and I are like best friends rather than mum and daughter.when I'm ill, I want to be left alone as that's how ive done it my whole life,never had a mother who “was there “ but I'm happier now than I've ever been,ive at long last got a nice life

[CLKD]

So you need a good cry!   Maybe you need to mourn your childhood?  The feeling that you weren't cared for, not loved, not appreciated! We all need validation.

Make that list?  Forcing yourself onto cycling might not help the anxiety.  Exercise should eventually refocus any anxiety into what you are doing.  When really depressed I was unable to stay in the bath: I had to get in, wash quickly and get out - there's an expression for such restlessness but I can't remember  : agitated? : I couldn't concentrate on a book, TV, magazine. My brain was dashing too much.  Medication really has helped.

Yoga can be good.  Swimming.  Anything that re-focuses the mind which does take practice which is why talking therapy may help ease your feelings.  How much is your OH aware?

[CLKD]

I think that honest discussion with partners is essential.  We must never assume that we know how anyone else is feeling.  We must never assume therefore, that we know how anyone is feeling about our often perceived inadequacies!  Mine told me years ago "I'm not a mind reader you know" as well as "Do not assume that I am angry or disappointed when X, Y, Z happens".  "It is what it is" seems to be his mantra. 

Also we are not responsbile for how others feel about what we say or do.  People might not like certain aspects of us but unless we go out of R way to be nasty, unkind etc., how they react is up to them ;-).

Little steps.


Accept R as he is.  Does he have hobbies that you could join in with?  Even a walk every day is a starting point. 

[CLKD]

....... and breath!  Singing can help enormously as we can't shallow breath whilst singing.  Maybe it's a skill that you could cultivate?  What are you taking for the anxiety?

[CLKD]

Do you take the beta-blocka, those are designed to slow down the heart rate.

Dizapam Valium - which dosage?  I had 10mg x 3 for several months then 10mg as necessary then down to 5mg as necessary.  I used them the evening prior to an event I wasn't able to avoid.  His mother hated that I fell asleep in t he afternoons on our visits to see her but I told her "Without them you wouldn't ever see your Son"  .  She would wait until I was dropping off then, "Did you have an early start this morning?" - as we had already discussed our start time she already knew. Or "You will get a stiff neck if you fall asleep there".  Didn't stop me 

Which AD has been suggested?  If not those, why not try yoga, singing, dancing  .  Closing the curtains first, maybe