Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[groundhog]

I d9 f8nd it hard to accept Dangermouse,  they were told of the dangers of operating on me yet they felt they knew better.
I struggle with feeling unwell as my life is busy. Grandchildren who I adore for example and I know I can say NO but I don't want to as I love them.  I struggle having to take antibiotics as I worry about it yet they make me feel better oh here I go blah blah.
Thank you xx
And thank you Robin xx
All I want is acceptance and peace will come.  My life is good but I can't seem to enjoy it anymore x

[CLKD]

However groundhog - you signed the Consent Form.

As stated, many people have accidents and have to adapt.  There was a bloke on TV this week paralysed from the chest downwards who gets around by using his head to active computer gadgets etc..  Are you afraid to let go .......... are you afraid to be happy in case something else happens?

I too struggle with feeling unwell.  When anxiety hits I am suicidal in about 4 seconds  .  Fortunately I know that the emergency medication works for me otherwise ...........  .  I don't plan too far ahead.  When I feel ill I am in despair even though I know it does pass.  In the back of my mind is "What if it doesn't?" 

[groundhog]

Hello again,
In a way CLKD I am afraid to be happy as the fistula rollercoaster will always be there.  I know there are people far far far worse off than me.  I suppose it's because this could have been avoided, I told them , my previous consultant told them that surgery would make things worse. But no one listened.  I've now been plunged into this myriad of doctors etc where everyone sympathies and calls me tragic.
Anyway I digress,
The counselling isn't going well. She had done the one session of EMDR which I'm unsure was of any benefit. So now we moved onto cbt.  She read out various scenarios that ‘fitted' and one that leapt out was ‘I feel overly responsible for things ‘.  I can agree with that.  I do feel responsible for my mother ( brain damaged in a home ), my nephews ( long story ) and whilst I don't feel responsible for my daughter, I want to help her and be there for her.  But this counsellor just seems to want to tick boxes and doesnt allow me to speak about things that affect me, she says it's pointless to go over old ground all the time.  I left there feeling confused . She made me feel my marriage is dead in the water and I should sell up and buy a house by the sea ( my dream)l. Really not that simple is it.
I'm probably due t see her this week and I'm just dreading it,  can't trust my judgement of anything anymore . 

[CLKD]

So don't go to the appt.?  You have enough to work on - a counsellor as I stated in the other thread, will not tell a client what to do.  The idea is to listen to the impact of live's journey, make suggestions as to how to work round situations and allow the client to make the decisions as to what will work.  But the client has to be open to those suggestions as well as be prepared to make changes.

Of course you want to help your daughter but does she need help or would she prefer her Mum to be out and about, doing stuff?  Ask her?

One session of anything isn't enough.  Is she on a time constraint, i.e. 12 weeks therapy?  That put me off immediately, I wanted 'me' time in order to talk through any problems.  It took 2 years of intermittent sessions with different types of therapist in order to move on.

The point *is* to go over 'old ground'.  To get it out of our heads and away!  To decide which strategy will help.

You signed the Consent Form.  Your Surgeon is 'top of his field', he has discussed your condition with other Surgeons.  This isn't going to alter.  Has anyone actually used the word 'tragic' or is that your take?

[Ju Ju]

Interesting thread. I'd agree with CLKD that you need to feel comfortable with any kind of counsellor and that blocking you is very unhelpful. Sometimes you really need to revisit and revisit issues, which you can't do with friends and family. That's what I thought counselling was about, so that you could in a safe space, so you can move forwards. I remember years ago seeing someone whose response to my talking about my childhood, was what's that to do with now, it was years ago. But I needed a safe place to go over the issues, understand and acknowledge so that I could get on with now. I didn't go back. It felt like a slap in the face. Is this therapy private? If so, you shouldn't feel obliged to carry on. It's not an easy journey coming to terms with how it was and how it is now. You need to work with someone who is prepared to walk alongside you caring, but not emotionally involved, who you respect and trust and who can say those blunt truths when it is beneficial for you to take on board without judgement. Different techniques are useful, but basically help you to take on board what an amazing beautiful soul you are. What is it you want to achieve through counselling? Have you a clear idea? Other than just better than you feel now.

[groundhog]

Hi Ju Ju, CLKD and all,
No this is nhs Ju Ju.  When the second op went badly wrong and I had respiratory arrest, I was referred for help under the nhs.  You have to be assessed by the different ‘arms' starting with primary health care and progressing until they know what will help. This took months and I was finally told I needed specialised help and suggested the psychology department,  the woman I see is from this department . I saw her last week and she said it wasn't working and as I wasn't willing to change then it was pointless carrying on.  I said well isn't that why I'm here, the depression and anxiety thatbhave resulted from the surgical trauma are still affecting me so badly.  But she felt even if you are depressed you have to make those changes that make you feel better.  She said it wasn't counselling, it was proactive therapy.  She told me to contact her nw couple of weeks. She did say she knows how traumatic this is and what an awful awful situation I've been lift in but there is no point going over it as I'm just digging a bigger pit for myself.  She said I've got two sessions left but if I'm not more positive next week then it's pointkess me seeing her.
I'm confused and it's made me even more desperate to be honest. 

[dangermouse]

This is the problem with non flexible therapy packages that the NHS put you on. You can either choose a proactive one like CBT or a gentler one like counselling - this is where you do talk at length about what happened to you and how you now feel in the hope that you will find resolution with more gentle guidance from the therapist. However, some days clients need a bit of both and only being able to select one, I find very restrictive.

I'd suggest you go back to your doctor and ask to be referred for counselling instead as it may suit you better at this point and as you also are not getting good rapport with your current therapist, which is key to success

If you tell your doc to cancel your last 2 sessions they will appreciate you are saving them sessions as it's also a waste of your time and possibly making you less confident in talking therapy in general.

[groundhog]

Hi danger mouse,
Thanks you for explaining that, it does make sense but that's so not the right word!
The thing is I went through the assessment process. I went from primary health care who said I needed something more specialised so I went to therapeutic day care who agreed with the primary health care people. This is how I've ended up with the proactive cbt and it seems if that doesn't work then they just turf you out which for me personally and I'm sure many others is quite devastating.  I probably do need counselling but shouldn't one of the earlier assessments decided that . I'm so confused dangermouse.
I'm rewlly anxious tonight. My daughter is having a c section tomorrow as her second baby is now late, I'm terrfied something is going to go wrong and I know it's all down to the trauma I've experienced in the past with my surgical disasters.
I dint really have a gp - my surgery is run by locums so I have no continuity.  I could speak to the locums though or just write t the department explaining the lack of flexibility is just not working.  trouble is  you know how it is il get black listed or something then for refusing treatment.
Why is it all so difficult x
Thanks for reply and understanding my predicament .

[CLKD]

I think that you would be anxious even without the background gh - until the baby arrives you are in limbo.  It's going to be a Long Night!

As for Counselling - talking therapy helped me.  Discuss, decide, ditch - I went intermittently in the 1990s for 2 years.  One therapist on the NHS admitted after 2 hours that I knew more about anxiety than she did  - I had to wait 18 months for that and then had a letter from the NHS asking if I still required sessions. 

Privately was OK initially but eventually I could tell that the Psychologist was getting fed up as she arrived later and cut the sessions shorter; eventually telling me about another patient with problems [not by name]  -  I told her that I wasn't interested in other people, that I was here to ease my problems - I walked out and never went back.

At least it enabled me to get my problems into the open.  When ever I had mentioned happenings with friends/family I was told "that couldn't happen to you, your parents are X, Y, Z .... " .  At least after moving from that area I saw strangers who were a) being paid to listen, b) didn't know my family history and c) couldn't make any suggestions, it was done on a you talk, I'll listen, I'll give you homework  yeah, right. 

 

[dangermouse]

It's not so much about them fitting your situation to a specific therapy (which they've tried to do) but fitting your personality to a type of therapy.

Just contact whoever arranged your therapy and ask them to switch it to counselling as the CBT isn't suiting you. They may say no but it's worth a try.

If you can afford it though, I'd always opt for private when it comes to talking therapy as you can find the exact type of therapy/therapist for you and just have single sessions with all different ones local to you until you find the right rapport and fit.

I've also been told by many clients who have seen me after seeing NHS referred therapists that they aren't as client focused and committed (as NHS pays them regardless). You need someone who is working for YOU, not with an attitude that they're doing you some kind of favour!

Have a Google and see what local counsellors and therapists are around that are affordable. It's worth investing in your mental health as, yes you may have to miss out in a holiday to pay for it but then what's the point of a holiday if you're taking your debilitating thoughts along with you?

[CLKD]

Good advice dangermouse.  Talking enabled me.  Eventually I could no longer remember what had driven me into therapy! but I don't have the constant wounds and scars that gh has - however, the phobia is constant, always in the background, invades my dreams occasionally, fortunately not 24/7 as it was in the 1990s.  I don't know how I got through those years 

[Ju Ju]

I agree with the last posts. Sadly the NHS services in this area sound service orientated rather than client orientated. She's saying you've got to put this all behind you.......ermmm! Isn't that why you need help? You wouldn't needs help if you could do that! She's putting the blame on her lack of success on you! I suspect you need to talk and talk and talk about this over and over to get to any kind of acceptance.

[groundhog]

Yes that's right Ladies, she's almost saying If I don't comply and be positive and put all this behind me then she can't offer me anything. I left feeling confused - she also said I wasn't willing to change so it was all pointless.  This leaves me nervous as I feel I need to put the record straight somehow as either I go back and play her game which will achieve nothing for me and brownie points for her, or I put my thoughts down to her department in a nice way of course but then I risk alienating her.
I th8nk il do what you suggested dangermouse as n ask to be switched t counselling.  It just seems a mess it really does.  A year of assessments then I get a therapy that just isn't working. I asked her if I could be transferred to another type of therapy and she said no, she wasn't sure who could help me - I think she mentioned something about time constraints as if I would need much longer than six sessions which I probably would.
Oh dear, I waited so long for this , I don't want to mess it up .
Thank you ladies.

[Ju Ju]

You're not messing it up. They are. They're not offering appropriate help.

I found help privately and continue to get support emotionally from the lady I see about my digestive issues. It costs and I find it difficult to afford it, but I feel it's worth it in order to have a life worth living. It's not a cure all, either physically or emotionally but it really has helped. I'm in control of what help I receive.

Years back, I struggled to pass my driving test, through nerves, not ability. My driving instructor sent me to my lovely doctor, who referred me to a psychologist, who told me I needed to change my thinking. Er yes, that's why I was there! No help was offered in doing that! I had the satisfaction of filling an evaluation form after that appointment!

Do not feel responsible to not responding to help offered. Either you are not ready, or it's not appropriate and you don't feel comfortable.

[dangermouse]

You're not messing anything up, they are being shoddy.

Sadly I've heard too many stories about the blame being put on the patient/client when the therapist isnt getting anywhere. In these instances the therapist should change tactic or refer on.

One of my fav TV psychotherapists is Mandy Saligari. Have a watch of some of the Celebrities in Therapy series to see how good therapy is done!