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Author Topic: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas  (Read 2283 times)

Stellajane

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #15 on: December 31, 2017, 10:31:14 AM »

Really interesting thread!

CLKD - haven't been on the forum for a while - your mum's moved into a care home in the meantime.

My mother was the same. She died in August this year. After bereavement you go back over the years in your memory. Doing that I've come to realise how many things she either stopped me from doing or tried to dissuade me so much that when I did do them I was miserable about it.

Maybe it is a generational thing. Certainly some of that generation seemed to have the belief that you have kids so they will look after you! Unfortunately I didn't nip it in the bud early enough, I guess when I was really young I just assumed all mothers were the same.

The saddest thing is reflecting on how different your life might have been and what you could have done and achieved with a different type of mother.
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #16 on: December 31, 2017, 10:43:09 AM »

I think our mothers were the post war women who were mostly expected to stay home and care for the family.  They never had the opportunities our generation had ( we have been the trail blazers in many ways) so there is naturally resentment that we have perhaps led more varied and fulfilling lives.  I know my mother is very bitter and resentful, she is a master of manipulation. There is definitely an expectation by many of that generation that we would be available to look after them as they aged - life has changed so much and it has left them behind - we have to work longer and often have children that need support for longer. 
The worrying thing for me is that the balance of society is really 'out of true' - when we get to our 70s, 80s and 90s, we will be in the majority and who is going to take care of us??? Our children will certainly not be in a position to help and I certainly wouldn’t them to give up their lives to look after me - shoot me if I treat my kids the way my mother has treated me.  DG x
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Stellajane

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #17 on: December 31, 2017, 12:25:24 PM »

Yes it will be interesting to see how it all pans out. I think it may be a case of fending for ourselves the best we can. We have after all brought OUR children up to be independent of us and to live their lives as they see fit, but maybe we've gone too much the other way and it will backfire on us LOL.

I'm definitely thinking long term about where I would want to be living so as to facilitate as much independent and interesting living as possible - ie a small easily managed home as close as possible to shops, medical facilities and public transport - and hopefully plenty going on in the vicinity to keep old people occupied!
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #18 on: December 31, 2017, 02:28:08 PM »

My Mum often tells me "I gave you children wings to fly" .............

She has fortunately never made us feel that we have to go visit with her (M in L wouldn't be the 'interfering mother in law' but had subtle ways of letting us know that we weren't visiting often enough  >:( - "I haven't seen anyone all weekend" for example.  But she would moan when people stopped to talk to her when she was weeding her front garden  ::)

It's hard to drop the guilt.  Mum nor my sister are people who I would choose to spend time with and I go to see DH's family because he is SO good to me. 

Yep Stellajane - Mum moved into a care home but now she is fixating on things that are nowt to do with her!
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Woodlands

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2018, 12:41:43 AM »

Hi ladies.
I too had a mother like this...she died seven years ago at 67 ...sounds awful but saved me from the situation you find yourselves in- I hadn't seen her for six years prior to her sudden death...did I feel guilty ..no....had she been my partner...would I have put up with it...again no! It's our life, choices and future decisions...as you know I have had many issues with my DD in recent months...again...I wouldn't tolerate her as a partner so I won't as my daughter...
Woodlands xx
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2018, 12:49:29 PM »

I read recently that we are NOT responsible for how others react to what we do, say, suggest etc..  Once the news is out there, it is up to them who they react.  However, old habits die hard and families in particular get used to reacting in certain ways which become 'expected'.  It took a stranger to point out how I "came over" to others because I was very rigid in my thinking.  He taught me how to relax and not snap without thinking ........ DH had got so used to my reactionary nature that he was able to shut off. 

What's the worst that can happen if we change a routine/tradition? 
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2018, 08:50:40 PM »

Crikey  ;D I have lots of posts  :-X where as LucyLoo has 0 .......  :-\
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Poppi

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2018, 01:40:50 AM »

I was going to post this to Lucyloo as CLKD said she had 0 - I now realise what you mean CLKD ! :worm: so posting to both now lol  ;)

Narcisstic mother and 100% toxic  - still around at 80 and is a poor old woman who has no money (spent it all on herself, when I had a Saturday and holiday job from age 13 - 18 I had to give her my pay packet as I was eating in her house! I did more than my fair share of the housework so was just a doormat, but still tried so hard to please her) My sister is a mummy's girl and has been for 55 years, she is also toxic and to be avoided. I havn't spoken to either in almost 10 years and my life is so much better. We have a brother who I get on with but sister hates, he visits TM but doesnt put up with her nonesense, but it gets to him. After a drink too many at Christmas he told me that my TS and TM think I'm schizophrenic (I'm not) because I tell lies (I don't) and I'm "unstable" as I was on anti-depressants because of Toxic parents (I had bad post natal depression brought on by a huge row because of the date we chose for child 2's christening and it didn't suit them!!)
This is not really a sob story as I decided when I was 50 that enough was enough, and neither me nor my family were going to be miserable due to their narcisstic ways. It's not worth having a miserable life - it's THEIR choice to treat us like dirt so we can choose NOT to be treated that way. I blame my father as he could not stand up to her and sister was his favourite (told me when I was 12 and she was 8 that as we were both his daughters, he could pick a favourite if he wanted to) I remember nice walks with him before she was born and he would read lots to me, sadly it was his choice to behave as he did.
I'm off to bed now to see if I can sleep ! :bed: (there will be none of that!)
 Poppi x


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Conolly

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2018, 01:04:47 PM »

Love your post, Poppi❣️
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Poppi

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2018, 06:44:29 PM »

Thank you Conolly! Wish I’d discovered this site earlier as I realise I’m certainly not alone and that makes a huge difference. Someone on another thread said that women who sail through menopause have absolutely no idea what it’s like to suffer as we do. Well it’s the same for adult kids with narcissistic/toxic  mothers. I will never forget the 1st time I met my mother in law. After we’d had our tea she came to help me with the dishes! I found this so strange as my TM always sat on her fat bum while I cleared+washed dishes, toxic sister dried! MiL couldn’t understand TM behaving like that.
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #25 on: January 12, 2018, 09:54:50 PM »

I recently read a book that tried to tell me that once we have given someone information it is up to them how they process it! whether it's in a work situation or at home, in the face, briskly walking with friends.  However, habits in childhood have a way of perpetuating as everyone slips into 'their place' within the group  ::)
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #26 on: January 12, 2018, 10:36:29 PM »

Very true CKLD.   

When I had counselling, most of my sessions were based around my relationship with my mother and how I could deal with her going forward. My therapist described the way I responded to my mother's behaviour as “my mother had trained me well”  - I had learned from very young that I had to react and behave in a way that suited my mother, not me. My approach to so many things in my life were also then more about appeasing and pleasing rather than doing what was right for me. My mother had always come first.
Today, my mother’s manipulation reared it’s ugly head again - I wasn’t feeing too well today (sore throat) so she managed to rile me and twisted things to be my fault.  I can now rationalise these episodes better thanks to the counselling I had all those years ago.  My therapist told me to imagine there is bin between my mother and me and any vicious, unkind or manipulative words from my mother had to go straight in that bin.  That bin came out today.
Dg x
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2018, 03:42:35 PM »

Whoops - did anyone note that I'd mentioned that book twice  >:( ;D

Love your therapist's idea of a bin DG - will try to remember that at our next visit 2 see Mum  ::).


Do you feel better today?  :bighug:
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Conolly

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2018, 03:55:07 PM »

Hello ladies,


Great thread and posts, Dancinggirl and CLKD! 😊


Off to buy a big bin...


Conolly X
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2018, 04:00:07 PM »

Thank you CKLD - My throat is still very sore today - very annoying. 
I can shrug off my mother’s comments far better now I use the ‘bin'.   DG x
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