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Author Topic: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas  (Read 10004 times)

CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #15 on: December 31, 2017, 02:28:08 PM »

My Mum often tells me "I gave you children wings to fly" .............

She has fortunately never made us feel that we have to go visit with her (M in L wouldn't be the 'interfering mother in law' but had subtle ways of letting us know that we weren't visiting often enough  >:( - "I haven't seen anyone all weekend" for example.  But she would moan when people stopped to talk to her when she was weeding her front garden  ::)

It's hard to drop the guilt.  Mum nor my sister are people who I would choose to spend time with and I go to see DH's family because he is SO good to me. 

Yep Stellajane - Mum moved into a care home but now she is fixating on things that are nowt to do with her!
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Woodlands

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2018, 12:41:43 AM »

Hi ladies.
I too had a mother like this...she died seven years ago at 67 ...sounds awful but saved me from the situation you find yourselves in- I hadn't seen her for six years prior to her sudden death...did I feel guilty ..no....had she been my partner...would I have put up with it...again no! It's our life, choices and future decisions...as you know I have had many issues with my DD in recent months...again...I wouldn't tolerate her as a partner so I won't as my daughter...
Woodlands xx
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2018, 12:49:29 PM »

I read recently that we are NOT responsible for how others react to what we do, say, suggest etc..  Once the news is out there, it is up to them who they react.  However, old habits die hard and families in particular get used to reacting in certain ways which become 'expected'.  It took a stranger to point out how I "came over" to others because I was very rigid in my thinking.  He taught me how to relax and not snap without thinking ........ DH had got so used to my reactionary nature that he was able to shut off. 

What's the worst that can happen if we change a routine/tradition? 
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #18 on: January 05, 2018, 08:50:40 PM »

Crikey  ;D I have lots of posts  :-X where as LucyLoo has 0 .......  :-\
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Poppi

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2018, 01:40:50 AM »

I was going to post this to Lucyloo as CLKD said she had 0 - I now realise what you mean CLKD ! :worm: so posting to both now lol  ;)

Narcisstic mother and 100% toxic  - still around at 80 and is a poor old woman who has no money (spent it all on herself, when I had a Saturday and holiday job from age 13 - 18 I had to give her my pay packet as I was eating in her house! I did more than my fair share of the housework so was just a doormat, but still tried so hard to please her) My sister is a mummy's girl and has been for 55 years, she is also toxic and to be avoided. I havn't spoken to either in almost 10 years and my life is so much better. We have a brother who I get on with but sister hates, he visits TM but doesnt put up with her nonesense, but it gets to him. After a drink too many at Christmas he told me that my TS and TM think I'm schizophrenic (I'm not) because I tell lies (I don't) and I'm "unstable" as I was on anti-depressants because of Toxic parents (I had bad post natal depression brought on by a huge row because of the date we chose for child 2's christening and it didn't suit them!!)
This is not really a sob story as I decided when I was 50 that enough was enough, and neither me nor my family were going to be miserable due to their narcisstic ways. It's not worth having a miserable life - it's THEIR choice to treat us like dirt so we can choose NOT to be treated that way. I blame my father as he could not stand up to her and sister was his favourite (told me when I was 12 and she was 8 that as we were both his daughters, he could pick a favourite if he wanted to) I remember nice walks with him before she was born and he would read lots to me, sadly it was his choice to behave as he did.
I'm off to bed now to see if I can sleep ! :bed: (there will be none of that!)
 Poppi x


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Conolly

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2018, 01:04:47 PM »

Love your post, Poppi❣️
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Poppi

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2018, 06:44:29 PM »

Thank you Conolly! Wish I'd discovered this site earlier as I realise I'm certainly not alone and that makes a huge difference. Someone on another thread said that women who sail through menopause have absolutely no idea what it's like to suffer as we do. Well it's the same for adult kids with narcissistic/toxic  mothers. I will never forget the 1st time I met my mother in law. After we'd had our tea she came to help me with the dishes! I found this so strange as my TM always sat on her fat bum while I cleared+washed dishes, toxic sister dried! MiL couldn't understand TM behaving like that.
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2018, 09:54:50 PM »

I recently read a book that tried to tell me that once we have given someone information it is up to them how they process it! whether it's in a work situation or at home, in the face, briskly walking with friends.  However, habits in childhood have a way of perpetuating as everyone slips into 'their place' within the group  ::)
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2018, 10:36:29 PM »

Very true CKLD.   

When I had counselling, most of my sessions were based around my relationship with my mother and how I could deal with her going forward. My therapist described the way I responded to my mother's behaviour as “my mother had trained me well”  - I had learned from very young that I had to react and behave in a way that suited my mother, not me. My approach to so many things in my life were also then more about appeasing and pleasing rather than doing what was right for me. My mother had always come first.
Today, my mother's manipulation reared it's ugly head again - I wasn't feeing too well today (sore throat) so she managed to rile me and twisted things to be my fault.  I can now rationalise these episodes better thanks to the counselling I had all those years ago.  My therapist told me to imagine there is bin between my mother and me and any vicious, unkind or manipulative words from my mother had to go straight in that bin.  That bin came out today.
Dg x
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2018, 03:42:35 PM »

Whoops - did anyone note that I'd mentioned that book twice  >:( ;D

Love your therapist's idea of a bin DG - will try to remember that at our next visit 2 see Mum  ::).


Do you feel better today?  :bighug:
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Conolly

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2018, 03:55:07 PM »

Hello ladies,


Great thread and posts, Dancinggirl and CLKD! 😊


Off to buy a big bin...


Conolly X
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2018, 04:00:07 PM »

Thank you CKLD - My throat is still very sore today - very annoying. 
I can shrug off my mother's comments far better now I use the ‘bin'.   DG x
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2018, 04:30:17 PM »

It's attitude as well, words simply 'won't do' with mine  ::) there has to be actions as well  >:(
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getting_old

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #28 on: January 14, 2018, 09:31:57 PM »

When I had counselling, most of my sessions were based around my relationship with my mother and how I could deal with her going forward. My therapist described the way I responded to my mother's behaviour as “my mother had trained me well”  - I had learned from very young that I had to react and behave in a way that suited my mother, not me. My approach to so many things in my life were also then more about appeasing and pleasing rather than doing what was right for me. My mother had always come first.

This is exactly what happened with me. In recent years I realised that I had been brought up to make sure my mother was happy at the expense of everyone else, including myself. It's so sad that so many of us were brought up in this way, and the impact it's had on our lives. I am embarrassed to say that when I first got married I behaved a bit like my mother, but fortunately I got away from her and saw how others behaved and changed how I behaved.
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #29 on: January 14, 2018, 10:15:05 PM »

getting_old - yes, once I realised how much my mother had influenced my behaviour, it changed so many things for the better.  I didn't allow the emotional blackmail to work on me as it used to and subsequently her behaviour improved.  However, a lion doesn't change her spots so I have to be on my mettle.  I do understand why my mother is the way she is (her childhood was far from good) so continue to do my best for her but it's on my terms. I am one of four children and she has blighted all our lives one way or another. Like you, I have learned from others and will never treat my children the way my mother has treated us. DG x
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