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Menopause Matters magazine ISSUE 75 out now. (Spring issue, March 2024)

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Author Topic: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas  (Read 9995 times)

CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #30 on: January 15, 2018, 12:00:57 PM »

Leopard even  ???  ;).  I tended to act like my Dad had done when first married ............ gradually my attitude changed >phew<.  Now I can see why my Dad acted as he often did  :'( because of Mum's narcissism  :-\
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Lady Daviot

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2018, 08:34:45 PM »

Ladies, I wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences. I haven't posted on this matter since before Xmas as I gave in and let the Narcissist, stay with us as it was her 70th Birthday and everyone else seems to be fend up of her. Well as I should have guessed she spoiled Xmas and New Year and nothing was good enough for her and her sarcastic tongue. We are not speaking again ( well I am just giving her a wide berth ). She has now taken to FB to share many of her usual posts about families in conflict and you should also love your mother because when she is dead posts!. I have started a new job so when I have time, this month I am going to sort out counselling for myself as I need to be the best mum 8 year old daughter. It breaks my heart and I feel I have to grieve for a mother I don't and haven't really known, who is so bitter towards me. I am such a soft touch and like to think that I have a caring nature but even I know I have come to the end of the road and I am very sad about it in so many ways. I was an only child and for most for my early years it was just Mum and me, but looking back even then her actions towards me were not of a caring mother.
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getting_old

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #32 on: January 15, 2018, 09:12:09 PM »

Interestingly my mother had a wonderful childhood. She was a totally spoilt only child who got whatever she wanted, and her mother lived with us when I was growing up and totally supported her behaviour and ensured that my Dad and I knew that the most important thing was to make my mother happy.  :'(

You have made the first step Lady D, in recognising that there is a problem, and moving forward I hope the counselling will help. It's going to be hard but I'm sure your daughter and husband will appreciate a life with less drama.  :bighug:
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #33 on: January 16, 2018, 01:48:41 PM »

LadyD - mourn.  She isn't the mother you needed.  Regardless of how she was parented!  However, humans tend to take on persona of those who went B4, I saw it with my Dad ..... and could so easily have turned into him.  But I stepped back.

Watching my Mum with the Staff in her Care Home shows that she a) needs someone to moan at with regards to perceived 'problems', i.e. noise.  b) it's me she will have a go at because it's a bad habit.  c) she has NO idea how she comes over to others.  We all need someone to moan to about various issues don't we: but Mum goes on and on and - like a stuck record.   :'(

When I tell her that my husband is the most important person in my Life she bristles, openly LOL!   I've told that to people since she went into care, those who suggested "You no longer have to worry about your Mum".  Well actually, I have never worried about her.  She had a group of people who would help: "But I don't want to be a nuisance Dear", "They don't have time to bother with me Dear", "I can't keep asking them Dear" - well Mum, don't ask then.  She had people in the Church as well as neighbours.  I told her often when she moaned, "You are a Big Girl now who can make her own decisions about who to ask if necessary".

Ladies, I wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences. I haven't posted on this matter since before Xmas as I gave in and let the Narcissist, stay with us as it was her 70th Birthday and everyone else seems to be fed up of her. Well as I should have guessed she spoiled Xmas and New Year and nothing was good enough for her and her sarcastic tongue. We are not speaking again ( well I am just giving her a wide berth ). She has now taken to FB to share many of her usual posts about families in conflict and you should also love your mother because when she is dead posts!. I have started a new job so when I have time, this month I am going to sort out counselling for myself as I need to be the best mum 8 year old daughter. It breaks my heart and I feel I have to grieve for a mother I don't and haven't really known, who is so bitter towards me. I am such a soft touch and like to think that I have a caring nature but even I know I have come to the end of the road and I am very sad about it in so many ways. I was an only child and for most for my early years it was just Mum and me, but looking back even then her actions towards me were not of a caring mother.



Your Mum is a Big Girl.  She's made her attitude quite clear to you.  Now is the time to concentrate on your family and daughter.  Firstly, to protect your mental health you need to distance yourself.  It gets easier, trust me ;-).   You are very astute about the situation you find yourself in.  I look at mine sometimes and think "Are you really the person others think that they know or is this the 'real' you".   :-\.


R U able to block her FaceBook comments? I don't know how FB works - R U able to stop going to FB at all for 3 months ...... that way you don't have her mutterings interfering with your healing process.  Often Mum would ring me (in the 1990s) ranting - I would then stew about how to help whereas she had dumped on me, got on with sorting issues and moved on.  I can't tell you the hours I spent trying to find solutions! whereas in fact, she doesn't want them.

On Sat. when mine was complaining (again) about noise in the rooms along her corridor at the Care Home - and I mean she was getting quite het up about it all ......... insisting that she couldn't sleep whereas the hourly records show that she slept right through  ::) - I got up and told her "I'll go and speak to the Manager in the Office".  Her demeanour altered, "I'll live with the noise for another week and you can sort it next time you are here".  So she doesn't want solutions!  I know that noise in particular is a huge botheration World wide because we can't control it nor turn it off (4 me it's barking dogs down our street  :bang: :bang: :bang: and lack of consideration that owners don't seem to hear them) and I realise that Mum has little way of getting away from the noise .........

I think I've meandered enough  ;D
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 01:59:38 PM by CLKD »
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #34 on: June 14, 2019, 01:56:14 PM »

Sad that StellaJane disappeared  :-\

I have a Narcasstic mother and sister  :-X ……. if you read 'daughters of narcisstic mothers' you'll see that it isn't 'you', it's her condition.  Apparently not diagnosed until 1988! you are not alone and I think that sometimes a non-contact regime gives the sufferer breathing space.  I'm only hanging in there because we have distance and Mum is very active.  Also, I want to see the 'end of the story' …… but sometimes  :bang:.  It's the way others fuss round her which of course she likes ……… but I can walk into her house and she'll stand in the kitchen, rigid, arms down her sides - no emotional contact at all  :-\
. - a comment from me in 2017
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 02:00:21 PM by CLKD »
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CLKD

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Re: Narcissistic Elderly Mother - the guilt especially at Xmas
« Reply #35 on: November 12, 2019, 04:55:12 PM »

Mine has been OTT in recent works.  Venting down the 'phone at me.  I think I've been her safety valve.  There is no follow through in that she never rings to update me. It's out of her brain, down the 'phone and away.  She will not remember if I remind her.

I do like to help her open any gifts on C.mas Day and clear away the paper etc., we take it away rather than adding it to the rubbish at the Home.  I expect that we will cook our meal on C.Eve at her house [it won't sell B4 January], have it cold the next day in our car  ;D whilst she's eating in the Home with paper hats etc. then spend the afternoon with her.  Although she does say that she is thankful for 'all that we do' I don't think that she realises exactly the effort  ::).

But I feel GOOD [as long as anxiety doesn't take over  :-\ ].  Duty Done.

How you all doing with yours?
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