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[V29boo]

Hi Justjules
I'm so sorry to hear of the change in your family circumstances and to not have your grandchildren in your life as much must be so difficult for you to come to terms with as well as everything else you are going through at this very emotional time in your life.
 I don't know about you but guessing as you said the word becoming invisible that the family members even though they may say oh how are you feeling it just like it they  feel obliged to ask but your answer doesn't mean anything one way or the other because they don't understand anyway they just think you're a bit of a fruit cake.
 I feel kind of pushed aside because obviously I'm different and no one  has the time for the new needy and vulnerable me which I find so hurtful when we have always been there for our families .  I am so glad I have found this site because other ladies have commented about not burdening families and are using this as support .
Coldethyl thanks for your response as it made me realise burdening family is not the way to go and they will withdraw.
If any of you ladies have any tips on coping with changes in appearence and coming to terms with the fact that you no longer feel young and look attractive even though we may still to other people, when you wake up one day and realise your skin is getting loose and the tops of your arms have that old crinkly look you used to dislike when you were younger. Oh goodness the list is endless but I'm sure there will be others who can understand....at the moment just feeling it's all downhill, sorry to be such a moan xx

[clare663]

Hi V29boo. Yes I am the same as you. I have put on weight, was 8/10 now 12/14, loosing hair, got wrinkles, body no longer firm!! I hate the way I look but no one else comments! I had quite a difficult second marriage in my late 30's early 40's and as far as Im concerned, I looked the best I have ever looked and now have this overwelming feeling that I wasted the best years of my life on a man that just wasnt worth it and didnt appreciate what he had! Im 50 later this year and finfing it quite hard to appreciate getting old! xx

[Justjules]

CLKD, I do see the grandchildren fleetingly, as I travel to work a couple of days a week with my daughter as we work close to each other and pick the children up from her ex-MIL's.  They are typical now in that they have their own interests or are with their 'new family' (new partner has two children).  We've offered to have them but it's always got to be on daughter's terms i.e. when it suits or is convenient to her and it's not very often, and as she points out - they are getting older and don't want to go on days out with the grandparents - gosh, we're only in our late 50's!!!  She's asked us to have them for a day while she goes to the Races with the boyfriend in a couple of weeks but as it's the Saturday and I go out with my Mum, I'm being awkward and saying yes, but I'm not changing my plans so they'll either have to come with me or go with my OH, (which I would never normally do) and I've even been instructed what time they have to be back so that their Dad can collect them at 4:30 and when I said it would be 5:30 she wasn't happy.  Can't win.  Hence, I'm backing off but sad that I had a very close relationship with my Nan and feel like they're missing out but hey ho, can't create feelings that obviously aren't there.  They were never encouraged to stay overnight with us when they were small as daughter was very possessive over them so that never happened either so we could build a bond with them.  I'd have all this out with her but I'm too ill with anxiety to heap another problem on myself.

[CLKD]

I would have said 'no' ………..  but if this is impinging on your day out, then they have to give a little …….

[V29boo]

Claire663 getting old is no fun at all but surely there comes a point where you start to accept the changes do you think? Otherwise all the older ladies in the world would be in a deep depression.
I find myself looking at older people and watching them go about their daily lives with grey hair and wrinkles but yet smiling and moving forward, and all of a sudden I just find it all so fepressing😩And yet it's how life is meant to be it's the accepting I'm finding hard.
I suppose some people would think me silly or vain but it makes me so sad to see my eyes lose their sparkle bags forming that make me look tired and the realisation that perhaps the time has come to cover up the tops of my arms in summer because of the crinkly skin. Yes it comes to us all but how do we learn to deal with it because inside we still want to be firm toned and wrinkle free.
I'm very lucky to have a husband who pays me lots of compliments and try's to boost my confidence so it saddens me you didn't have a good second marriage and feel you wasted some of your youth on him. I'm sure there will be someone somewhere who will someday build your confidence and make you feel like the beautiful person you really are. We all deserve that so perhaps for the time being we can build each other up and encourage each other that were not doing too bad and we are making the most of what we have😍No we will never be 30 again but we can try to be fabulous into our 50s and 60s xx

[V29boo]

JustJules I truly feel for you and what you must be going through not having as much time as you would like with your grandchildren that seems so unfair.
When marriages end then other people come into the family the whole structure changes and things can become quite complicated and the kids have to be shared out more I know this only too well and it hurts like hell.
I also understand when you say you feel too ill to have it out with your daughter because me personally I feel like I have lost control as a mother and I sit back and almost feel like the child and therefore feel like I'm used and put on and it's the kids that put me in my place.
I more often than not keep my mouth shut to avoid conflict because I don't really feel heard anyway and I'm just expected to be there when needed.
You spend the best years of your life sacrificing for your children then they grow up and move on and you just feel redundant? Am I right in thinking you can understand this feeling? Xx

[clare663]

Hi V29boo. I regularly feel like I am now redundant!! I have a man who has been my rock for the past 5 yrs and loves the bones of me and regularly tells me Im sexy etc but I dont take it in. I think the menopause fills you with self doubt but it also happens in your life when circumstances change and your children begin the big adventures in their own lives. I am thankful for what I do have but sometimes wish I had more which is so wrong of me. There are so many people so much worse off than me. xx

[V29boo]

Claire663 I'm so pleased you have a good man to support you and I'm sure what he says is very true that your sexy and lovely you obviously trust and love him so trust what he is saying is true and take it in and accept his compliments. Ha ha I say that my hubby is the same always compliments me and I find it hard to believe but the other day he got hold of my shoulders looked into my eyes and said "no you didn't hear what I said so listen again and let it sink in accept it and believe it" so I kept it in my heart all day my husband thinks I'm sexy beautiful and he loves me very much and I felt better for it.
I like you could be a lot worse off but it's natural to want more so don't give yourself a hard time. I hope you have a good day today xx

[Dorothy]

Hi, just wanted to say hello & that I'm so sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment.

If you're worried about being able to have a non-emotional talk with your children, maybe you could email or write to them with a brief explanation of what it is like going through the change, so that they know all the emotional stuff is not really you, it's just your hormones going mad!

Also, don't forget it will be quite scary for them, especially your daughter who may even be worrying about going through the same thing in the future.  My mum started the change when she was around 44 and I was 10, and I remember how scary it was when she started crying & shouting for no reason.  We expect our mums to stay the same, so it is really unnerving when they change so dramatically!

Go back to your GP and see if you can get some help.  And remind yourself that the real you is still there, just slightly squashed under an avalanche of hormones at the moment!

[Justjules]

JustJules I truly feel for you and what you must be going through not having as much time as you would like with your grandchildren that seems so unfair.
When marriages end then other people come into the family the whole structure changes and things can become quite complicated and the kids have to be shared out more I know this only too well and it hurts like hell.
I also understand when you say you feel too ill to have it out with your daughter because me personally I feel like I have lost control as a mother and I sit back and almost feel like the child and therefore feel like I'm used and put on and it's the kids that put me in my place.
I more often than not keep my mouth shut to avoid conflict because I don't really feel heard anyway and I'm just expected to be there when needed.
You spend the best years of your life sacrificing for your children then they grow up and move on and you just feel redundant? Am I right in thinking you can understand this feeling? Xx

V29boo, that is EXACTLY how I feel, couldn't put it into words but you have. Was awake a lot last night pondering over stuff and then for every moan about the kids, I then counter it with a reason they are behaving like that because they are probably lying there thinking about me and how I am with them now! Didn't help when I saw on daughter's Facebook last night that she was out with my granddaughter and her new man's Mum and his little daughter all enjoying a lovely girlie afternoon tea....it made me weep.

[CLKD]

STOP looking then  .  What you don't know won't hurt.  She is entitled to build a 'new' Life and it can be hard work trying to fit every one 'in'!  Hormonal upheaval is making you feel vulnerable.  Taking care of U is important right now.

[Justjules]

CLKD, I totally understand that she is entitled to a 'new life' but what about the family that she's ignoring that are just as important as his and I have to listen to my poor lonely Mum, who helped to bring her up and who she doesn't even give a second thought to? We have been cast aside and I am deeply hurt that as her Mum, she can even try to understand or even be bothered to read up and understand how hard life is for me right now. Ok, now I'll stop moaning. I am not saying this in any derogatory or hurtful way but I am under the impression that you don't have children so can't understand the pain and hurt in this instance, it's like a knife being stuck in you. If I had a supportive husband or even a sibling, it would make it so much more bearable. I am concentrating on me from now on but no doubt they'll all just think it's another one of my 'weird spells' but I am going to have to make myself harder to cope and that's not me at all but I am sick of being the victim, family or no family. We used to be a close knit family but it's all very different and when you're suffering from severe anxiety and struggling to get through each day, it's bloody hard not to feel so let down and alone with all this crap.

[CLKD]

She's young.  She is focussing totally on her new life.  Of course it hurts.  Because you have done the caring until recently.  This too will pass.  She can't 'feel' what you are going through …….. so no empathy.  You are hormonal so extra vulnerable.  Because the situation is 'in your face' you probably can't think about much else? so the hurt goes round and round …….. 

Could you write her a brief non-committal note? pointing out the effects of The Change, how much you miss being in contact and how you miss seeing them regularly?  Maybe suggest that you have contact one evening a week, i.e. by phone or face-2-face - do you have Skype?  The grandchildren need to maintain contact with you, you are probably missed more than you realise! but have to toe the line as it is ………

I am childless by choice.

[Justjules]

Sorry CLKD, I'm being super sensitive today. It will pass. I really don't think the children will miss me at the moment....they've never been encouraged to believe how important grandparents are.  I don't think a note will make any difference to be honest. I didn't mean to be personal.

[grumpyjane]

all Of a sudden I feel that my bladder is too near my eyes 

Sorry V29boo but that really made me laugh! And it´s just how I feel sometimes. We are all struggling with our different meno journey. I´m sure you´ll find support here. 

Jane