Looking back I first remember a spell of feeling dread/anxiety at bedtimes when I was about 9? Terrifying at the time. But it went away. Then in my early teens my parents temporarily split and my Mum went to pieces. She lent on me far too much for emotional support. Again I found this terrifying and the feelings of dread/anxiety came back. But again they went away. I never got nervous at exams. Or my driving test. I was always very outgoing to the point of being audacious sometimes
During my teens and twenties I suffered with classic PMS e.g. irritability/tearful/feeling fed up. But never any anxiety. Between times I was perfectly happy and confident.
It was only after I had my first baby and had PND that I experienced true anxiety. This manifested as full blown terror. Terror at being left alone with my baby. I was terrified of my own baby! Terror that I was trapped with them for at least the next 18 years. The terror was irrational. I firmly believed that my baby would stay a baby for years and years and would never gain any independence from me.
Gradually it faded away. But it took a couple of years. Then I was absolutely fine for years and years. Among my family and friends I am known as the confident, strong, capable, bolshie one
Then the recession hit. My husband is self employed and ever since we have suffered huge financial worries. Somehow we have always scraped by, but it has been very, very hand to mouth some months. But I soldiered through each month. Just kept stomping on and on. But in the end I think the constant worry finally eroded away my emotional armour at just the same time as my hormones decided to start packing up to leave. Really bad timing. Especially as for the first time since I've known him, my husband was suffering with low mood and was very withdrawn due to cumulative work stress/money worries.
I think I could have weathered the financial worries. I think I could have weathered my hormones packing up to leave. I think I could have weathered my husband's months and months of low mood and withdrawl. But I couldn't handle all three at once. I don't think anyone could?
The bricks in my emotional defences started to crack, and once it started it happened very quickly. Within a couple of weeks I went from being 'normal' me to suffering huge waves of crippling anxiety. Feelings of doom & despair. Insomnia. The irrational terrors I had experienced with PND were back. Terrified of being left alone. Terrified of going anywhere new. Terrified of it getting dark outside.
Logically, I think I would always have struggled with mood swings during peri menopause. All the literature and my consultant pointed out the connection between PMS/PND and peri issues.
But would I have suffered so much if we had had financial comfort and stability and if my husband had been his usual positive, gung-ho self? No, I really don't think I would.