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[groundhog]

So sorry HB - I really sympathise and agree it's so hard to cope with situations like this.  I have been upset this weekend too and it leaves me exhausted and on this occasion my husband furious. One of the carers told me my mother had said I did nothing for her and I sat at home all day as I don't even work.  I was furious as I do everything really - cleaning,  shopping,  laundry, garden hospital appointments etc.  But she is obsessed with going shopping and doesn't care that I am unwell ( which is why I don't work - 30 ops for chrons disease has left it's mark).  I was furious - and yes she is slightly brain damaged following a brain haemorrhage but she was always cold towards me so I can't blame it all onthe brain injury.  My husband ws so cross and told me to keep away.  My mother has carers so I don't have to go there at all - I have only been there once this weekend but she thenjust stays in bed all day.
It is so hard but you have to find a coping mechanism.  Would it be possible for her to have carers - sounds like she needs help.  You would then not have to visit and maybe things would improve.  My sister does what she has to and just walks away but we are all different.  Hope you are feeling better - it's not easy though.   My mothers aunt wants to come and stay - she is a bit older than my mother but my mother hates her.  She is really spiteful about her and I am now left with the tearful phone calls from my aunt who just wants to come for a few days.  I have to put her off but it's getting to the point I will have to just say she doesn't want visitors but it then puts me in abad light.
I've decided we can't always change these difficult family issues so we somehow have to change the way we deal with these things or WE will end up burnt out
Xxx

[Joyce]

Oh HB, hard for you, but maybe a carer would be a good idea. They are trained in how to deal with the cantankerous episodes. You, as her daughter, are too close to the situation. Your sister needs to realise this too. Not fair that you are your mum's punch bag. Could you speak to her GP maybe? Maybe a spell of respite care to give you a break. My mum went in for respite care, staff said she should have been much earlier as she was so confused. Made decision easier for brother & I.

[Dyan]

HB

[Hurdity]

So very sorry to hear about this honeybun and also everyone else who has had or still has similar problems with elderly parents - I just can't imagine having to deal with anything like this and I can't really offer any advice, only sympathy and a hug   

Hurdity x

[honeybun]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.

Feeling very down and sad tonight. I know I can't win so should just keep my mouth shut, dig deep and get on with it.

I hate this and would love to step away.....but I can't. My conscience won't let me.
I have not spoken to her. She told my sister she could not remember what she said. Ummm, yes she can as she has proved time and time again.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Not a great deal of joy that's for sure.
You are right BJ. No matter how much you try and reason with her makes no difference at all.

Honeyb
x

[Linsey44]

Hi honeybun.
Just caught up with your thread.

Heres a hug from me to you, its very sad for you that your mother is behaving this way.  You have shown through previous posts of your strength and resilience to events in your past.  Now its time to draw on that resolve again.

Things will eventually sort themselves out and time is a healer.  In the meantime your mother should probably get carers in for all the mundane and day to day care/ cleaning etc that you currently do.

You dont necessarily have to withdraw totally but this will give you much needed breathing space as you will know her needs are being met you can focus more on future activities you both might like to do that could be more enjoyable.  Even knowing you can walk away anytime as things were set up for her might make it easier.

Hopefully at some point she will realise how valuable you, if she doesnt it really shouldnt matter, you dont need her validation that you are a good person your own kids and husband already know that and thats why they all love you.

Would you have accepted this toxic behaviour from a friend? I suspect not.

This is a time for you and your immediate family and to heck with the rest of them.

Take care X

[Limpy]

HB - Please look after you and yours, take care.
There's a limit as to what you can and should do. 

[Gail]

Hi HB

I can sympathize with your situation my mother is 86 and has vascular dementia she is in a nursing home were she is well looked after, she plays my siblings and myself off against each other by saying that nobody visits etc she also tells us the staff haven't fed her for days when we know she makes things up to get attention. Her illness has changed her personality, she now swears and fights with the other residents. We know that this is not really her it's just the illness.
I hope it helps a wee bit to know that a lot of your mum's behaviour might be out with her control
Hope u can sort things out
Xx

[PaulineW]

My mother is 89 lives 150 miles away from my sister has been doing a lot for her but she dose'nt involve me at all I try to talk to her and give advise ie carers to help but when I suggested this she slammed the phone down on me saying we should all pull together ! But when I was very poorly no help was offered I have lived in my home for 21 years and my sister has only been once ! We are not that close it's always me that makes the effort too we visit at least half dozen times a year now we are not talking  xx

[honeybun]

Elderly parents can be very difficult.

I called mother this morning and she apologised for her behaviour. I told her I just could not cope with another morning like that so if she wanted me back then the wedding is off limits and I will not discuss it.

I think she has got a bit of a fright so will behave for a short while at least. I can only but hope.....


Honeyb
x

[Greyhoundgal]

Honeybun, not much I can add that hasn't already been said.  I can understand your reluctance to walk away, she's your Mum after all but you do need to take more care of you if you can.  Sending you 

[PaulineW]

Honeybun I agree with Greyhoundel take care big hug too 😘 x

[Limpy]

Honeyb - I'me glad your mother apologised.
Hope the horrid feeling caused by her outburst yesterday has receded somewhat.
Did you speak to your sister?

[honeybun]

Yes Limpy I have spoken to her.

She has her own troubles. My brother-in-law is waiting on results of an MRI scan of his spine to see if he would be a suitable candidate for spinal surgery. He has trouble walking and he is just in his early 70s.
Add into that this wedding and she is struggling to cope.
She just wants mother to behave herself.

Her and me both 


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

Hope you can work together in a pincer action to get your mother to behave.

Sorry about your BIL that must be very difficult for your sister.
How is the wedding coming along?