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Author Topic: Problem with daughter  (Read 3930 times)

hanging.on.in.there

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Problem with daughter
« on: November 12, 2014, 04:37:49 PM »

Sorry ladies, I know this isnt the right forum, but I'm a bit emotional and first thought was to turn to you !

Just had an upsetting call from daughter away at Uni, things had been going really well in new shared house, but it turns out they are already having to look for 3rd year accommodation, and she has heard indirectly from other house mates, that one of the girls doesn't want to share with her next year.
As far as daughter was aware, things were all fine, so she's not sure what she's done wrong. She is very unbitchy and is very hurt, as she thought they were good friends.
No specifics are forthcoming. The girl wont discuss more.
Sounds daft  I know for me to be upset, and I don't want to quiz her too much, but beyond saying don't worry and it will all turn out Ok, anyone got any words of wisdom for her, and me !
Would normally have asked my mum, but she is no longer with us xx
Thanks xx
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Joyce

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2014, 04:43:46 PM »

These things do happen. I hope other girl is one to be moving out rather than your daughter.  If the other girl has a problem & no one else has she should really be the one to move out in my opinion. Sure there will be plenty students happy to take her place.

How many of them are sharing by the way?
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hanging.on.in.there

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2014, 05:07:06 PM »

Thanks for your reply x
There are 5 girls in the house, who were all good friends in halls last year, and have been on holiday together.
They are having to sign up for a new house for next Sept so I dont think they are thinking of splitting up this house before then, but just planning for next year.
But its creating a horrible atmosphere but this girl wont come straight out with her thoughts with my daughter, which she would really like and could handle !
I realise this is typical for 'Life' but when its your kid, it brings out a whole range of emotions and I want to be a good parent and help her through it, so anyone who can advise me is most welcome x

 
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CLKD

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2014, 05:19:15 PM »

Is the house being let at a price they can all afford?  It is difficult when you are at a distance too  ::) - why do we always feel that it is us that has 'done wrong' though  ::)  ::)

Perhaps after a few days DD will find ways of addressing the other girl …… to find out.  Also we can out grow friendships without any particular reason, I often think of a neighbour who I played with for years until when I was 15, I suddenly didn't want her in my life …… over a matter of weeks I had outgrown 'us'. 
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hanging.on.in.there

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2014, 05:34:35 PM »

Thanks for words of wisdom, support and understanding !
I really value other women's opinions and advice.
I'm a tough old boot at work, but this stuff really can get to me !
The joys of parenting!

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CLKD

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2014, 05:38:01 PM »

The other tack might be to ask her "What would you advise a friend in a similar situation?" ….
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hanging.on.in.there

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2014, 06:03:06 PM »

Yes, good , I like it !
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Hurdity

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2014, 06:13:41 PM »

Hi hanging.on.in.there

I really do sympathise because the same thing happened to my daughter in January of her second year (she's now 29 btw!). She was so upset and despite being a 4 hour train journey away, came home for the weekend to cry on my shoulder!

I think this sort of thing is quite common - they get thrown together in halls in their flats in the first year - often become best buddies - and then while still in the first flush of friendship and early in the 2nd term all decide to share a house. This happens months before they actually do so. Then gradually they spread their wings and find other friends and find that maybe they wouldn't have chosen these same people to share with - and have a different combination in the 3rd year.

In my daughter's case it was the same - just one girl and in fact they had found somewhere without telling her which made it worse. Personally I think it's healthy to share with different people but that doesn't help in the short term!

Do all the others want to stay in the friend group? Maybe there are a couple of them who are closer to your daughter than the difficult person? I know this often causes difficulties - and often in the third year - my youngest son on a placement year at the moment had lots of discussions about different groupings and who wanted to share with whom because certain people didn't get on so well with others.

I agree that it needs discussing and sorting out but the solution may well be for the group to split into two and other friends to come in with the new groups eg close friends of one of them who do the same subject for example?

Also there really is no hurry to sign for a house now - it's only November after all. Most start looking in January - and depending on where it is the supply usually outstrips demand in some areas, so you can get the accommodation cheaper if you wait....

Hurdity x
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honeybun

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2014, 07:17:58 PM »

I agree with Hurdity and she has given very sound advice.

My daughter had a bit of a nightmare year in halls.....some quite frightening stuff.

She has come home for third year but is considering moving out for fourth year. She is talking to girls that are on her course. People she has built a relationship with rather than people who she was just randomly put in halls with.

It's a shame that there is one girl being like this so early in the year. If she won't tell your daughter why then will she tell one of the other flat mates ?.


Honeyb
x
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hanging.on.in.there

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2014, 07:26:53 PM »

Thanks so much for the shared experiences. It's made me feel a lot better. I really couldn't share this with my husband, he would be really upset, the old softy.
Poor old daughter thought they were still good friends and had no idea there was any bad feeling, that's what got to me. Thought they were all one happy bunch.
Anyway enough already,

Again, heartfelt thanks, I've absorbed every syllable.

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CLKD

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2014, 08:12:17 PM »

When I made friendships I expected them to last for Life  ::).  Hard fact - most don't!  So when the heat has gone out of this particular issue, sit down over a cuppa and talk about those people who have moved in and out of your Life and those who became 'stayers' and 'keepers'.  People change.  Situations alter.  Distance despite social media doesn't help!
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Ju Ju

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Re: Problem with daughter
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2014, 10:37:47 PM »

And the ones you stay in touch with aren't always the ones you expect to. In the 1st year at college, I was placed in digs with a girl, very different from me. We rubbed along well enough, but had different friends, interests etc, but are still in contact and meet up occasionally, yet I've lost touch with many of my then 'best buddies'.
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