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Author Topic: For all of us looking after elderly relatives  (Read 248199 times)

Bette

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For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« on: July 27, 2012, 03:46:18 PM »

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who's been supporting me through this "stuff" with my Mum. Your wisdom and support is much appreciated and may well be what will get me through this in one piece. OH has been/is being wonderful but it's such a relief to be able to offload on here.  :thankyou:
After my "meltdown" yesterday - probably much needed, if only as stress relief  :o - I'm feeling a bit better today, despite getting less sleep that I'd like.  ::) Posting on here - and reading your excellent advice - really helped, as did OH's reassurance that I'm not alone in this (although he appreciates that it's easy to feel as if I am.) He suggested that I speak to Mum's gp about my worries about her memory and also offered to come with me when I visited today.
Him being there really helped; she loved seeing him and he chatted to her while I sorted out her tablets etc. His mum had also just been round so Mum was benefiting from that too. He said afterwards that he didn't think that she was much worse than before and that he thinks that she's definitely better off there for as long as possible, especially as she's starting to get out and socialise - she was walking over to their community centre this afternoon to watch the bowls and to have a cup of tea. He appreciates my concern, though; it's just more upsetting for me and I know that he's the same with his dad, whereas I'm able to cope better with him.  ??? Just a case of being a bit "too" close, I suppose.  :-\
I spoke to the gp this afternoon and got up to speed. He's great - and it really helps that he can access everything on the computer there and then. The district nurse says that the boil on her back is nearly healed - still checking it weekly. The gp had ordered some extra tests - she's clear for diabetes but is slightly anaemic. However, he explained that it's what they term "age-related anaemia" so wouldn't be helped by extra iron as she's not actually iron-deficient. They're keeping an eye on the MRSA. He doesn't feel that there's any obvious explanation (like a urine infection) for her confusion so thinks it's likely that it's dementia of some kind and I agree with that. He's referred her to the hospital for assessment but requested that they come to her bungalow if possible. Once we have a diagnosis there might be some treatment which will help a bit but more importantly, it will allow us to access various support packages and services which are only available once you have an official diagnosis.
I've started this thread because it really helps me to be able to "get it all out" and I thought that it would be nice to have a place for us all to talk about our situations/experiences if we want to.
Bette x
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CLKD

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2012, 03:48:27 PM »

 :foryou:  I think you are doing a wonderful job, your OH is doing his Best and you are lucky to have a 'family GP' who sits and listens.  Thanks for the up-date!  Eventually this will come to me and Himself too  :( - Mum is 86 and well currently however  ::)
« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 03:20:09 PM by CLKD »
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grandy

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2012, 08:30:52 PM »

My Mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia (about 2 years ago) and while we did get support during the process of getting a diagnosis we now feel we are left very much alone. I think it very much depends where you live. I hope you get better support than we have had. We now have Mum in day care Monday to Friday and my sister and I cover the weekend but we managed to arrange this ourselves rather than have it done for us. As with everything else you need to be a bit pushy to get what you need. I can sympathise with your situation. :(
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honeybun

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2012, 09:58:41 PM »

Bette

I think you do a great job with your mum but your comment about being "too close" rang such a bell with me. Its very difficult to stand back and rationalize what would be best to do. I also find it very difficult to switch things off, and the problems and worries are in my mind all the time.

I sometimes wonder how we are going to get from one week to another but somehow we do.

It helps to come here and just get it all out.

 :thankyou:
To all the ladies who have also offered me a shoulder.

Honeyb
x
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Bette

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2012, 10:07:17 PM »

That must be hard, grandy.  :hug: How does she get on at night? Hopefully it helps having your sister to share it with, though.
Thanks, Honeyb. I do think about her all the time but I also find that I'm able to be more practical and organised when not actually face to face with her. Actually, that's not true - I'm ok with her if I've got something practical and constructive to do for her; it's when I'm just sitting there trying to chat that I struggle, can't stop my mind going off on a tangent thinking about how she's changing before my eyes. That's why it was easier with OH there today and I think that I must let him come with me more often; I know he's willing to but I guess I feel like I'm imposing, that she's "my" responsibility. That's silly, though, as we've always shared everything, good and bad and I would always want to help him with his parents. The emotional baggage that seems to come with being a woman!  :beat:
Bette x
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CLKD

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2012, 03:22:52 PM »

Bette - you may be grieving for the lady she was? not how she is now.  But if she is content and fairly well in herself, try to live in the moment - she will be  ;)

Grandy - go back to the people you had support from initially and ask what the next step is.  Tell them that you are new to this situation and how you and your sister are dealing with it but you need to know about other help and if there is I don't mean remedial  >:( ....... you know, when you and your sister can have a break  ::)
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grandy

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2012, 06:16:05 PM »

Bette - Mum manages ok at night. She is in sheltered housing and can still get in and out of bed. She has very limited mobility which strangely enough is a bit of a blessing now as I think she would wander and get lost if she could get out and about herself.

CLKD - Our main problem is that social workers etc choose to listen to Mum, not us. So if, for example, they ask her if she can do housework, she says yes, I do it all. We tell them that in fact she cannot do any housework but they still believe her and write her answer on the form, even though they know she has dementia. We told one social worker that we correct what Mum says because it is the only way to get the truth across and we were told "I don't think you should correct your Mum like that, it might upset her"!!!  >:(
At the moment we are coping with the day care she has but it is only a matter of time before the help needs to increase.
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Bette

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2012, 06:37:53 PM »

Those social workers sound awful, grandy.  >:( Mum is still under the Interim Care Team after her hip operation but they've asked social services to take over. A social worker came to Mum's bungalow to go over things a couple of weeks ago and was great. She asked Mum things but often asked me to clarify Mum's answers and asked whether I agreed. When I suggested a couple of things, she happily added them to the list of what the carers should do. I felt that she was treating Mum and I as equal partners, IYKWIM. I suppose that it might have helped that she'd received assessments from the existing care team, so was aware of how Mum was/wasn't coping.  ???
you may be grieving for the lady she was? not how she is now I'm sure that you're right, CLKD. I need to adjust to the situation and not over-react.  ::)
But if she is content and fairly well in herself, try to live in the moment - she will be That is certainly true. She's perfectly happy and I need to be thankful for that and stop worrying about what "may" happen. However, being observant is useful. I realised that she was avoiding putting on certain shoes because they were awkward - got her a long-handled shoe horn and now she's fine. She mentioned struggling to pick up something she'd dropped, so I got her a "grabber". I realised that she'd stopped preparing and cooking potatoes (although she happily does other veg) so I started adding them to the casseroles I freeze for her; then remembered that I'd got a stock of some without so have frozen portions of mash - she told me today that she had some with beef casserole for lunch and really enjoyed it.
Hopefully, it will turn out that her memory problems are just age-related and they won't worsen too quickly but I think it's best to find out so that we know what we're dealing with.
Bette x
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grandy

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2012, 06:52:51 PM »

Bette, Glad to hear that you and your Mum are coping with things. I think it helps to just take each little problem and deal with it rather than worry about the whole situation. (Easier said than done). I know when we began to suspect Mum had some form of dementia it quickly became obvious that it was something more than just age-related memory problems. How old is your Mum? My Mum is 81 and health wise is very robust apart from her mobility and could well have many years ahead of her, which is a worry re dementia. I know that sounds terrible but as her memory gets worse it worries me how things will go in the years to come.
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Bette

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2012, 07:06:02 PM »

Mum will be 94 in October!  :o That's why I think that it's possible that it's just age-related; the stress of her fall and the op may well have accelerated things a bit, I think. She's been getting a bit "vaguer" for the last year or so, I suppose. It must be so hard not to think and worry about the future - I know that I'm having to work hard at that. One day at a time -  that's what m-i-l (who cares for f-i-l who is physically frail) has always said and now I know what she means.  ::)
Bette x
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Pennyfarthing

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2012, 07:07:45 PM »

This is a good thread and very apt as many of us have elderly parents.  My Mum is 88 and I've been over and collected her and taken her out shopping this morning and to get some lunch.  That involves about 40 miles round trip but she loves the ride out and it was a gorgeous morning and we've had precious few of those this year.

She's had bowel cancer twice in recent years, a new knee about 4 years ago and both eyes done last summer (cataracts) but she's amazingly well really.  She has a push trolley thing with a built in seat if she needs to rest and we went to a market and got her fruit & veg and then to a small supermarket and a couple of small shops. She soon gets very tired though these days and gets cross with herself.  I have to remind her that she's up at 6 am and done her jobs by the time most younger people are getting out of bed!! ;)  We bought some lunch and then we called at my Dad's grave and checked that over and then she was in bed for her afternoon nap by 2 pm :)   someone is collecting her and taking her to church this evening so all in all she's had a good day.
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grandy

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2012, 07:13:05 PM »

Wow! 94 and still living independently and cooking etc. Well heating things up but still that's great. I guess by that age most people have some memory loss. Hope things work out ok for your mum. Has she had a memory test?
Pennyfarthing, It sounds like your Mum is still managing to lead an active life. I guess we should all be thankful that we still have our Mums. My Dad died of a heart attack when he was 57. So having Mum's living into their 80s and even 90s is great.
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Bette

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2012, 07:16:36 PM »

The gp did one a few weeks ago, grandy but as I'm concerned that it might be getting worse, he's referred her for a proper assessment.
She is doing really well for her age, I know but that doesn't stop us worrying, does it?  :-\
Bette x
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CLKD

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2012, 07:35:52 PM »

Until relatives get Enduring Power of Attorney then Social Workers etc. have to go by what the client tells them!  however scatty this might be and however inappropriate.  It is 'against their human rights' or some such wording not to listen to the patient/client/sufferer  ::).  Unless a Consultant in Geriatric Medicine writes a report then the children/carers don't get much say in what happens  :cuss:  ....... even if children live with the affected parent  >:(

I'm a born worrier ........ Mum always told me to put her into a home when the time comes but will I really believe that's what she wants, although she says repeatedly that she doesn't "want to be a burden on anyone".  I would rather people tell me what it is they require than beat about the bush  ::)

« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 07:39:14 PM by CLKD »
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san

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Re: For all of us looking after elderly relatives
« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2012, 08:59:15 PM »

I'm the same CLKD but knowing my aunt wanted to go into a home when the time came hasn't made it any easier for me. As for EPA ... I'm still waiting for the certificate. It's taking a long time.
My advice. If anyone thinks they are going to need this then apply with time to spare. I was told it would take about 15 weeks. I think we are going to come in more at 20 weeks. Can't do anything till I have it. So frustrating  >:(

As for Social Workers ... I think the one allocated to us is still wet behind the ears  ::)
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