Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: Padine on January 16, 2021, 09:15:28 PM
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Sadly, I’ve finally realised why I’m unhappy within myself. Nobody would know as I put on a very brave face but I can’t try any longer. Does anyone else feel this way?
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We all need to feel validated, whether it's at work, in friendships, with partners, parents ........... we need to feel listened to and cared for.
C-19 is allowing many to reevaluate their relationships, bringing out the cracks that no one wants to address.
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Covid is making everything so much worse, you're forced to spend more time with him and the normal escape routes - friends, activities etc - have largely gone. Is there any possibility of relationship counselling? If you're unhappy something needs to change whether that's inside the marriage or out of it. Do you have any close friends you could confide in?
:hug:
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Was in a bad marriage for years had four sons and after 20 odd years he went off with another woman thankfully the marriage was finished anyway and it was relief for me but I went through hell with him trying to force me to sell the house court battles etc no financial support from him for my boys etc.
Moving forward several years after me being a single mum with my boys I went on a dating site and met the most loving caring man a real gentleman old school we married and 12 years later we are soul mates
I would never have believed it in a million years how my life has turned around now , dreams do come true .
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We had a huge row then decided we didn’t want to split up. I told him how unhappy I felt with eg. last Monday after my gruelling hour+ gyn appointment, I was putting my jacket in back seat and he told me to hurry up and get in as other cars may need that waiting space. Never mind how are you? Or anything, I felt really hurt. I didn’t bother with other grievances eg. he doesn’t like me using my phone while watching TV (I do get that but there are adverts and boring bits of the news) He hasn’t read anything about menopause I ask him to, he doesn’t believe it lasts 10 years (peri - post) he thought it lasted 2 years! But he can be loving at times and I don’t want for anything, so I’m going to be more assertive, and concentrate more on good points of our marriage.
C 19:doesn’t help either !
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Was in a bad marriage for years had four sons and after 20 odd years he went off with another woman thankfully the marriage was finished anyway and it was relief for me but I went through hell with him trying to force me to sell the house court battles etc no financial support from him for my boys etc.
Moving forward several years after me being a single mum with my boys I went on a dating site and met the most loving caring man a real gentleman old school we married and 12 years later we are soul mates
I would never have believed it in a million years how my life has turned around now , dreams do come true .
What a wonderful outcome, monalisa! Thank you, it gives me hope! :-* :-* (one for you and one for your soul mate)
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I think we get into ruts. We need to be more open. How about the pencil conversation - with someone to over-see that emotions don't get out of control Pandine? The idea being that the 1 holding the pencil has the table for 10 mins. The other jots down irritating issues from that conversation. A break of 5 mins then the other person responds.
It can take weeks of 1/2 sessions. But it takes the heat out of what can become repeated issues raised in each argument.
Also: 'how does X, Y, Z make you feel' rather than 'when you say/do X, Y, Z it makes me feel ....... '
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Padine, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I think marriages are alien creatures, I could never understand them! Just wish you lots of patience (breathe!) and little joys (we usually forget them when we're stressed) and that your husband can see what a great wife he has! :-*
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Oh dear Avalon, my heart goes out to you and admiration for being such a brave lady. His blog shows the fool he is but I’m guessing no one has the courage (or can be bothered with such an idiot) to disagree with him. Good that you are no longer together and I’m sorry you had to go through all of this.
How are your children? I do hope some, if not all of them support their Mum. If you’d rather not speak about this anymore I quite understand. Wish I could help.
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Padine - R there trigger points? R they the same all the while - I remember my parents arguing and it would same old. Same old. But that never solved anything as they were not listening >:( and now that I know that Mum has narcissistic tendencies I am aware of the undercurrents.
Does DH want to change anything?
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Not really CLKD, but he doesn’t like me being “lazy”, he is ALWAYS busy but sometimes I like read a book or watch TV as we are retired now. And I argue when he makes a comment. Our boys tell him to leave me to do what I want. This past year has been the worst scenario possible as we can’t get time apart. I think we’ll get through it :)
Thanks for asking , doesn’t look so bad written out 🤞
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His always being busy doesn't mean that you have to be up and at it. We do different things at different times. After years of depression when I was unable to do much so every day is a bonus.
Are there chores that you could do in the morning leaving you to please yourselves after lunch? That's how we work ;-)
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We had a huge row then decided we didn’t want to split up. I told him how unhappy I felt with eg. last Monday after my gruelling hour+ gyn appointment, I was putting my jacket in back seat and he told me to hurry up and get in as other cars may need that waiting space. Never mind how are you? Or anything, I felt really hurt. I didn’t bother with other grievances eg. he doesn’t like me using my phone while watching TV (I do get that but there are adverts and boring bits of the news) He hasn’t read anything about menopause I ask him to, he doesn’t believe it lasts 10 years (peri - post) he thought it lasted 2 years! But he can be loving at times and I don’t want for anything, so I’m going to be more assertive, and concentrate more on good points of our marriage.
C 19:doesn’t help either !
Padine, I can relate to what you say. We’ve been married 40 years and it’s been difficult. I’ve had an op pretty much every year of our married life and the last one caused life changing complications and now a pandemic to add to everything ! I’m not consistent, at 10am I wanted to leave forever as he told me I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher properly 😡 by 3pm we were walking by a river holding hands. I’m mega sensitive, he’s a dinosaur. It’s difficult. We are in a Covid rut and together 24/7. We’ve had couples counselling and she thinks we can weather the storm .
I hope you can too, it’s a rollercoaster for some of us so it’s hard to make a decision and be sure as I know I’m not consistent. Good luck, hope it works out ok x
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Of course, it's not a pencil at all but a wooden spoon ............ ::)
How do you intend to bring problems to the fore so that arguments don't become a habit without solving issues?
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Ah.....but what size of wooden spoon do you suggest ??? ::
We tried to sort out one issue this morning before it got out of hand, and it’s how I react to the way he says things and what he says. I apologised.
We do try to have busy mornings and relaxing afternoons but he does everything quicker than anyone I know, I’m the opposite (dead slow but not stop!)
I’ve my Zoom exercise class tomorrow so an hour to myself with a group of lovely lady friends ((who know nothing of all this), we are even going to build a snowman on Thursday if there’s as much snow as is forecast.
Nicola has us locked down for the next 5 weeks, I could weep :'( x
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The other method is to write a letter to each other. Not rambling. But bullet points. Keep for 24 hours then hand over to each other.
After reading it, jot down notes beside each comment. Hand back.
Apparently I am 'negative' ::)
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Sadly, I’ve finally realized why I’m unhappy within myself. Nobody would know as I put on a very brave face but I can’t try any longer. Does anyone else feel this way?
Yes i do.
I am in a loveless marriage, i dont know what it is like to have a cuddle.
I have now decided enough is enough, plus there has been alot of arguments, he keeps throwing abuse at me, blaming me for everything, complaining, saying its weird how i dont get undressed in front of him, its ridiculous , how we only have sex on holiday, its all shouting and in a rage. He is a very weak man, he cannot and has never defended me.There is nothing between us.
. i have now separated from him
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Did U move out loveydovey .........
It's hard to raise the issues even if a person has made up their mind.
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Sorry you feel this way, but I understand: My Hubby suffers with depression, quite severe at times, this sometimes gets me down too, as he was always such a happy, full of life type of person. Also our Daughter (who we adopted aged 7) has met a partner,& had a little girl , but as he doesn't like us, has stopped all contact. This has left us both,( but me more) devastated. We last saw them nearly 4 years ago now. We've tried to make contact, sent birthday/ Christmas cards & letters, but to no avail. Its hers & her daughters Birthdays coming up, & I'm in a dilemma whether or not to still send cards ?? My Hubby thinks we should just let things go & let her get on with her life, but I don't know what to do .I just feel so sad all the time.
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Lindyh - this may be coircion [sp] on the man's part, which is illegal in the UK. I would keep in contact. It is important although the mail mayB stopped by him at the front door .......... however, if she does receive your mail, it will mean that she doesn't feel quite so alone.
If you know the details of the GP Surgery that your daughter is registered with, go along and make the point that you think she may be in an abusive situation. This can be done in confidence. Or contact a womans' refuge for advice.
Has your husband's depression worsened since your daughter moved out? He needs support, as do relatives. Your local hospital may have a relatives group that you could contact. One has to be healthy in order to care for someone.
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Lindyh - I agree with CLKD and would definitely keep in touch and still send cards. If there is some coersion/control issue going on then getting cards from you will remind her you're still there for her.
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Thanks for the advice :thankyou:
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I agree. She's no less your daughter because you didn't give birth to her. It's important she knows you still care her and she can turn to you if she needs to. I would be very careful getting anyone else involved if either of them may think you're behind it, it might make matters worse. Unless you genuinely think she's in an abusive relationship in which case absolutely do so. It's so sad when people behave this way, why can't they realise children gain so much from a relationship with their grandparents?
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Often parents and children see situations differently. Children may not want to take sides so are avoid the remaining parent, whereas I took sides, always with my Dad. We never know what happened between our parents prior to arriving, because they rarely think to tell the children, but the habits remain. Children will see good parts in their parents which the partner may not realise.
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No, I just think societal programming is geared towards misogyny.
Pretty sure you're right, there. People (men and women) seem to be far more forgiving of men, generally.
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You’re right ladies, even today in these enlightened times most societies are patriarchies x
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Interesting Perinowpost - as a complete meander, I am reading 'biracial' - interesting take on patriarchal society !