Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: rebel2 on April 17, 2018, 11:42:39 AM
-
As this is a mno site I can assume we [nearly] are all of a certain age. When I married the first time in the early 80s it was a register office followed by a buffet and disco at a church hall. My mum did the food and we had a blast. Same for my siblings and most of friends [the only variations being church vs register office and type/size/location of hall hired for the reception]. The stag/hen [JUST THE ONE!!] was always on the Thursday before, and tended to be a pub crawl followed by a curry, followed by a club for those still standing. Presents were the usual toasters/place mats/awful ornaments in the shape of a Cornish cottage or, if you were lucky, perhaps a second hand fridge freezer or the like from your nearest and dearest. Your dad picked up the bill for the day and the groom paid for his suit and the wedding car. Job done.
Things were a little more sophisticated for me second time round, although I was pregnant so it was far less fun!
But now... Most of the younger generation in my family that have married have spent around £10k and the whole enterprise has taken over their lives for the best part of the year - not to mention the engagement stuff that precedes the wedding planning itself. Now setting aside my personal feelings [that it all reflects the worryingly narcisstic times we live in] people are obviously entitled to celebrate their nuptials however they wish. However, there is no doubt that it now costs those who are invited a lot to attend a wedding. If you are [un[lucky] enough to be asked to join the stag/hen events aswell as the do itself, you could easily be looking at in excess of £100 per event, or even be asked to fork out for a foreign trip [to somewhere you might not actually have wanted to go].
Even if you 'just' go to the wedding it often involves the cost of a hotel for the night [expensive if it the venue hotel, grim and costly in taxis if it is some B & B in a far flung 'romantic' part of the UK]. But again, you at least get a meal and hopefully a good night out of it.
I hope you're not sensing I'm a bit cynical about the whole thing!!! My objection is not actually the do or even the hen nights - it is the current fashion for asking for money as a present. Whilst I appreciate that most brides have already set up home and have everything they could possibly want, I'm not sure I should be asked to pay for their honeymoon. But I have, several times. [And have heard several newly married couples joke and bitch about exactly how much each guest contributed!]
But a recent invitation we have received really takes the biscuit [obviously a really expensive, colour matched, Instagrammable biscuit]. Guests are asked to contribute to the couple's fund to extend their house. Is this a sensible practical step to avoid receiving unwanted stuff? Or is it a bit tasteless?
What do you all think? Feel free to label me a horrible old cynic. I actually love weddings and all they represent in terms of hope and commitment and the way they are often a rare chance to spend time with far flung friends and relatives. It's the only chance I now get to shake my booty to old 70s hits. But hasn't it all got a little out of hand??? I wouldn't wish a set of English Countryside placemats on the next generation [although I still have them if anybody feels they missed out] but isn't there something a little contrived, materialistic and exploitative about the whole shebang today??
What should I do??
-
Hope and Commitment are important. What ever age group the wedding couple fall into and to a certain extent, why they are marrying 'again'.
I remember the weddings that were home catered for by friends/relatives in the Village Hall. Because parents really could NOT afford to do it any other way and probably because families were not so wide spread so no hotels involved, mostly they could go to the 11.00 Service, onto the celebration and back home the same day.
As a meander: the number of couples that complain in my hearing that they can't afford a Deposit but have spent £XK on the wedding and a week of stag events .......... >:(. When will they realise that one cannot have everything all at once?
I don't have a problem with the idea but I would be inclined to buy a sheepskin rug for when the extension is finished ;D. For me it would depend how long the couple have been together; how many times they have each been married previously; R they going on 'honeymoon' after, in which case no contribution from me; how old they are .......... is there an amount that they actually expect? Are they planning on putting the names of the guests who contribute on each brick as a memeroy of a nice day?
It's certainly a new one to me. If they have been together a long time they probably have everything else? It's certainly novel and as long as they aren't requesting a specific amount from people I would probably go along with it.
'shape of a Cornish cottage' items tend to end up in antique centres we see those often ;D
-
When I got married in the 1970s FinL paid for the flowers and bouquet; the Church ladies contributed the flowers at the Altar; a friend paid for the cake to be made and iced; another paid for my wedding dress as our gift; MinL made the dresses for the bridesmaids as our gift ....... it was a way of spreading out happiness and a way of remembering who had given things, whereas the number of forks/spoons etc. got lost in the mists of time ::)
-
Do agree with you Rebel2, sounds a little shallow...
-
I would go along with it too. Things have changed so much since we got married.
My son went to 3 stag do's last year, all abroad. None of the weddings were local so 3 hotels etc. None of the couples wanted presents, all wanted money.
We give people money for their birthdays and they do with whatever they want. No difference really with getting money for a wedding.
Also saves the bother of searching for a present. ::)
-
Yes same here I hate the wedding lists I know the practicality theory but I think it's just good manners to wait and see what you get same with birthdays,I tell my lot where to put their lists they'll get what they get depending on my finances at the time. Bah humbug lol.
-
So how does one feel about Harry and Meghan asking for gifts towards specific charities?
-
I like the donation to charities bit....they hardly need presents in their position.
Can I throw this out there....is Meghan the ‘real deal' do you think for wonderful Harry?
-
So far probably .......... time will tell ;). I think in this World of Upheaval one has to take happiness for as long as it might last.
-
Yes you're right, I really hope she is for him...just something about her that for me doesn't ring quite true.
He's so vulnerable after losing his lovely mum, and quite a special soul I think
-
Back to the dilemma - I would want to see the extension footings have been dug B4 I put my hand into my pocket ;)
-
Don't think I'd go that far CLKD, I'd be happy with looking at the plans. lol
-
Just putting my two cents here but I read your post rebel when my jaw dropped. I guess I haven't paid too much attention to what's going on at weddings these days because I have never heard of paying for a home extension or some of the other expectations. I cannot imagine what must go through the minds of some of these "entitled" young people but just because it seems everyone else is going along with it doesn't make it right either. Nope I would buy a reasonable gift and leave it at that..its a wedding not a fund fundraiser.
-
Plans could be put on hold and my monies spent on something that I disagreed with much more ;D
-
Wading in with the other comments rebel. We have had several weddings of late where the couple have been together for a while and do not need household gifts. I took the decision that if asked for donations I would give but only what I would happily have spent on a present. It is easy to be sucked in to giving more because you feel stingy when it is actual money but why should you. If they want to chunter about it then as long as it is not in my hearing then I am okay with it. I do think the extension donation is a bit cheeky though. Interestingly on the whole wedding and going abroad for hen do's etc. Our two daughters and their husbands are heartily sick and tired of being asked to fork out for pre wedding do's that cost a fortune and then fork out for a present as well. In their circles there has been a decline in this type of pre wedding nonsense and they have gone back to a couple of nights away in this country with perhaps a spa treatment and an afternoon tea which they all enjoy and the boys too are finding other things to entertain them so perhaps the tide is turning.
-
Think we have been invited to four weddings in the last seven years and they all asked for money although it was pointed out they were happy to receive a gift if you preferred to do that, seems to be the norm these days.
I was married in the eighties as were many friends, cousins and everybody had a present list certainly can't remember any money requests.
I think if I remarried need to divorce first ;D I would suggest money for a charity if people felt the need to give anything.
-
When I got married, we had lived together a long time and had everything we needed. It was a very small wedding of around 50 guests but we just stated that we did not want any money/gifts, just their 'presence'. We still got given money in the cards and a few gave us actual gifts for which we were grateful. I don't agree with actually asking for money. They should say like we did that they don't want anything and then they will probably get money anyway like we did but it's the asking that I find rude.
I went to a wedding of someone I work with but I heard through the grapevine that she wasn't happy with some of the amounts other work colleagues gave her as she mentioned how much it was per head and how much it cost her to have them at the wedding! I did seem to have given more than my other colleagues and I do take into account that they are paying per head and then extra on the night do but I certainly didn't give as much as she probably had expected. Also, she had spent a fortune on the wedding which I don't agree with either plus I agree about how ridiculous these hen/stag do's are that take place over a week abroad. I know of one groom who booked a week abroad and it turned out when all the guys who were going had paid the stated amount it actually covered a free place for the groom!
Like when my husband was a best man..they all went to get kitted out in the hire suits that they had to pay for but there was a big sign in the shop saying 'hire 5 suits, groom get his for free'!
-
We got married in 1977. Hired a wedding dress. Small church wedding with no bridesmaids. “Do†afterwards in a village hall with all the buffet style food done by my cousin who was a chef. No honeymoon just back to our rented cottage.
Sounds very basic but all my friends weddings were similar. That was the way things were done then.
-
Yep PF. Mine was done for £300.00 all in ;D ........ we used family cars and bought ribbons. Dresses were made from material. Flowers bought locally. Hotel was hired, per head. Had to be out by 4.00 as the room was needed that evening. Saved any hangers on ;). [1975]
Money is OK. I would send a card and cash in a separate envelope if I thought that people were going to be picky at the amount ;). Then they wouldn't know who had given it.
-
Pennyfarthing sounds a lot like ours back in 1977..small church after Sunday mass we snuck in with a few family members. Had our do at our home with my mother in law (great cook) doing the dinner and there was plenty. I have been to weddings and come away hungry so we made sure everyone had more than enough. Last month we celebrated 41 years and can honestly say its been a happy one..truly we have been blessed. I think I would stay home if I got one of those wedding invites asking for this and that and a three ring circus to boot but thats just me ;D ;D ;D
-
:lol: I would want to see the extension - not that I'm nosey [much]
-
Maybe you could go to the extension for your holidays. :lol:
-
My twopennies worth - I think I prefer a request for money over a John Lewis gift list. At least with money you can just give £20 if that's all you could afford at the time (I would do this and not feel pressurised into giving what I couldn't afford and if they bitched about me it would say more about them than it would about me ...) whereas with the John Lewis list the stuff on there often costs hundreds and it's embarrassing ...
Most expensive wedding I've ever been to couldn't have seen much change from £45K and that was over 10 years ago. Horse drawn carriages, free champagne from start to finish, fantastic venue, Chelsea Flower show quality flower arrangement so massive you couldn't see round them to talk to the people opposite at the table, professional video and photographs of everyone and every tiny detail all day and evening etc etc etc followed by a honeymoon in some private beachside lodge in a carribean location. The marriage lasted 2 months - I kid you not. The bride's dad who paid for it all must have been suicidal.
Best wedding I've ever been to (apart from my own!) - village hall, morris dancers, fish and chips followed by trifle, flowers from the garden in jam jars on the tables, a home made cake, a wonderful happy day and the couple are still together and happy :-)
-
I could be wrong, but I have a theory that the more the wedding costs, the shorter the marriage will be. The only people who benefit from these expensive bashes are the businesses which supply them (florists, caterers, clothing suppliers etc, etc). Great for business, but........ ::)
JP x
-
That's a good theory Joanie you are probably right ;D
-
Yes I agree there JP.x
-
My twopennies worth - I think I prefer a request for money over a John Lewis gift list. At least with money you can just give £20 if that's all you could afford at the time (I would do this and not feel pressurised into giving what I couldn't afford and if they bitched about me it would say more about them than it would about me ...) whereas with the John Lewis list the stuff on there often costs hundreds and it's embarrassing ...
Most expensive wedding I've ever been to couldn't have seen much change from £45K and that was over 10 years ago. Horse drawn carriages, free champagne from start to finish, fantastic venue, Chelsea Flower show quality flower arrangement so massive you couldn't see round them to talk to the people opposite at the table, professional video and photographs of everyone and every tiny detail all day and evening etc etc etc followed by a honeymoon in some private beachside lodge in a carribean location. The marriage lasted 2 months - I kid you not. The bride's dad who paid for it all must have been suicidal.
Best wedding I've ever been to (apart from my own!) - village hall, morris dancers, fish and chips followed by trifle, flowers from the garden in jam jars on the tables, a home made cake, a wonderful happy day and the couple are still together and happy :-)
My friends niece is an only child and had a massive wedding, hen do and exotic honeymoon. The parents stumped up for the whole lot and also gave them a house which they had previously rented out. That marriage lasted a month! Apparently they had been together for several years and just before the wedding the bride met someone else but darent tell her parents. The wedding therefore went ahead but the parents were furious at all the money they had wasted and they wouldnt speak to her for about a year. Things are a bit better now and they have more or less accepted her new man but theres a lot of legal wrangling still going on about the house because the jilted husband is refusing to move out.
-
Good for him PF ;-)
I agree with the theory too. We had been together 4 five years B4 I knew that he intended to marry me ::). We then got on with it ........ Job Done!
Even if we had such monies these days I can see other things more important to us that spending it on a wedding ........... I still go with the buy a brick/pane of glass idea ;D