Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: jaycee on November 06, 2017, 09:00:16 AM
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Sorry not mine but wondered if anyone knew how long a biopsy took to get results,also MRI results
TIA
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I'd phone your GP practise to ask - they should know. You could also contact the hospital to ask. Biopsies can take 6 weeks or more simply because they have to ‘grow' things in the lab. DG x
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Ah I see, thank you, didn't realise about that ,its not me but my partner, hes had biopsy for prostate cancer and also MRI,He has to see a Urologist on Wednesday ,and was told that its often the urologist who gives them the results,if not he will ask
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He should have been informed the procedures and expectations, well B4 investigations >:( ::) - get him to make a list of his concerns and ask at the Appt. on Wed.?
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Thank you, he wasn't told anything as far as I know, but maybe he isn't telling me everything
We don't live together,so any post etc will go to his house
He says hes not worried about it, but he must be I'm sure,
Was told by someone on another forum that her partners MRI results only took 2 weeks, but maybe biopsy might take longer
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Why don't you believe him :-\ - if he tells you that he isn't worried then why would he lie? Maybe he knows more so is reassured by his care-giver?
Are you going to the Appt. tomorrow?
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Oh I don't think he is lying, but he said he wasn't worried before he even had any tests, he is a very positive person, or seems to be, but also a private person, he has had cancer before, and I didn't find out from him, but from a friend of his he doesnt like bothering people with his problems he says
Now hes had the tests and biopsy. I just find it hard to believe that someone cant worry about it
Unfortunately I cant go with him as I have a hospital appointment too ,that I daren't cancel, as I had to cancel my last one, so would be referred back to the Dr,
His daughter is going with him though
I am sure he will tell me when he knows,he wouldn't lie to me about it
Looking on another prostate forum some men have got very quick results, some within days and others after about 10 days
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Hi there.
I have had biopsies for breast pumps, uterine tissue and blood tests for ? Ovarian cancer ...another one due.
I am like your partner ....very positive i don't think of it until the results come....then if it's hard news I would deal with it .....no point worrying if it may not be necessary
Woodlands
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Thanks Woodlands. I hope he finds out soon, I am a bit like this myself really, I had to have a pelvic scan and wasn't really worried, just put it out of my mind,
As it turned out all was ok
Since me posting about this he has had a letter with appointment to see his consultant, I will maybe find out today what has been said when he has seen the urologist,
The cancer he had before was bowel cancer ,he stupidly left it too long, and it had got to stage 4,he was very lucky he got through that, and that was because he didn't worry about it, so left it and left it, before seeing the Dr
Its a man thing isn't it I'm sure
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Are you taking on his perceived worries then? I get annoyed if Himself tells me that he's OK when he really isn't but I have phobias so it's easier for him not to tell me or I freak :-\
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Well partners been to see the urologist,he said he just had a blood test, mentioned some letters, cant remember what, neither could he, he is useless and really needs someone to go with him, the y asked if he was a worrier,he said no,i don't worry about anything
Also the previous cancer was mentioned
That is all I know,he has an appointment on the 20th with consultant so surely he will be told then
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Results when partner sees Consultant next week he has been told,fingers x they are good
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I am sure if the results were sinister he would be seen sooner, or that there is no rush to act. Are you less worried?
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Jaycee don't know if this helps but my friend had an mri scan this week, and they phoned her to come in for her results 3 days later. Unfortunately, it wasn't good news and we're all a bit upset. However, my point is if it was bad news I'm sure they would have been in touch with your partner by now x
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*PERI* So sorry about your friend, how awful, i hope she comes through ok in the end
*CKLD* I am sure you are right, didnt think of it that way,
It does make me feel better, but i have read of these things taking so long, but maybe that is why he is not too worried, but he is also waiting for an op on his prostate, so maybe he will find out when that that will be,
Thank you all anyway for your thoughts,will update when i know anymore
Although apparently some prostate cancers are just left on a watch and wait kind of thing as they are so slow growing,
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Men may die with prostate cancer rather than from it! Something else over-takes the body. It is often found that they have this specific disease at PM.
Will you let us know?
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Yes I will certainly let you know,i have read too that most men die with it not from it,
I think as you said earlier,or someone did,if it had been urgent he would have been told by now
He has also been sent an appointment for next May, not sure why,he did say he was puzzled by this, I will find out who he has to see then, and post
The op he has to have is to reduce the size of the prostate as it is pressing on his bladder, he is up to the toilet at the moment most nights up to 4 times,
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Morning! Keep us up to date.
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Yes I will certainly let you know,i have read too that most men die with it not from it,
I think as you said earlier,or someone did,if it had been urgent he would have been told by now
He has also been sent an appointment for next May, not sure why,he did say he was puzzled by this, I will find out who he has to see then, and post
The op he has to have is to reduce the size of the prostate as it is pressing on his bladder, he is up to the toilet at the moment most nights up to 4 times,
Hi jaycee,
Is he having to have an op because tablets have not helped to reduce the number of times he has to go to the loo, or would they not help, anyway, because his prostate is pressing on his bladder? Just a thought.
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There are details here of sugery for benign prostate enlargement https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/prostate-enlargement/
Taz x
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He was rushed in end of May with inability to wee, very high temperature, and given ABs as they thought covered his prostate was infected and enlarged, then ended up with sepsis
[Sorry if I am repeating for anyone who read the first posts]
He was given tablets I think to help with the night visits to the toilet
he has so many tablets, its a wonder he knows what is for what.also has no spleen after having bowel cancer, which had spread, and had reached stage 4 apparently,[before I knew him] lucky to be alive
The op is to stop his prostate pressing on his bladder,the only way to alleviate the constant need for getting up several times a night
The op will shave some off the prostate, to make it smaller and stop the pressure on bladder
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I hope he can have his op soon then, jaycee - it can't be easy for him with the tablets not really helping. Hopefully he'll have a much more comfortable time of it after the op. :)
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Thank you Jenna,yes he Is hoping it will be before Christmas, although that is cutting it fine now,
The appointment he has been sent for next May, is for another check on his previous cancer
To look at him you would never think he has been through all his illnesses , he has scars all over, and one where a chemo bag was stitched into his shoulder
He is only hoping that his op doesn't interfere with our sx life ,trust him to think of that, hes not worried about the op, he is an optimist ::)
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Thanks Taz, have had a look at the link, I have really read up and looked at all I can about it
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Well, results are in, he says he has got the all clear,when he went on monday to see his consultant or Urologist
I know it sounds awful, but i still dont know if hes telling me everything, he got a letter testerday to say he has to go in on the 27th for the prostate shave
I am only worrying because it seems a bit quick, for a routine op
He knows i worry, and that i know he is down for this op, has been since May when he was rushed in with bladder and prostate infection,
I mean would they have given him a biopsy on top of an MRI if they didnt suspect anything or found nothing, he is very laid back about it all,or seems to be
As we dont live together,i dont know what letters etc he gets, but this one came within 2 days of seeing his specialist.
If there is really something wrong,i know he would only not tell me all to stop me worrying,i cant get to see him as he is having his op at another hospital about 15 miles away, and daughter is going to be staing with him, i have never met her,and i dont drive
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What is the real problem? That he doesn't tell you everything? I expect that a biopsy is more invasive, will be sent for histology and if clean, there won't be anything else to worry about. MRI scan is different.
This really is his worry and if he tells you he isn't particularly bothered ........... annoying as it is!
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I am just surprised that after the MRI he had a biopsy,with about 12 samples taken, and the fact they are operating so quickly, only a week after his results
Anyway , yes I am probably worrying for nothing,he doesn't lie,but might bend the truth a bit to stop me worrying,as he also has a testical lump, which he says is a cyst, might be, although had no scan or anything for that,just Drs diagnosis
He is a lovely man , and doesn't like worrying anyone,
I hope all goes well, and its at least getting it over with before Chrismas
No idea what a histology is, as far as I can tell the tissue taken away will also be tested
Is that right CLKD, thank you for your input bty
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Histology. A piece of suspect tissue is taken from the problematic area, sent to a Lab. and looked at under a microscope by a skilled technician. Anything 'out of the ordinary' will be noted and if necessary, further treatment suggested. Most pieces of tissue are taken, even appendix apparently ::) - not only does this tell the Consultant if further treatment is necessary but acts as history for future patients.
My breast lump was on physical examination (1990s) 'non sinister'. After surgery my Consultant told me "I had in my hand what I expected to find" and I thought "Lucky You" though didn't know him well enough to mutter those words ;D. However, when the lump was sliced and put under the microscope, changes to the outer edges were found which may have been cancerous. So without histology I wouldn't have had treatment.
Since then, hey ho! I did ask to see the slides but that request was refused :-\. I don't know how long the slides will remain at the Hsopital Lab. for comparison, should cancer affect the breasts in future.
So your partner is being followed for protocol reasons. Without these essential tests the Consultant can't give appropriate advice. My DH doesn't discuss how he's feeling as he knows it will freak me out big time! I really am no support :'(. He tends not to worry until there is something that is going to interfere with our current Life-style ::).
Some testicular lumps can be fatty tissue, I am sure that a GP will know the difference, they go into the back passage with a finger to probe :o {too much information?}
Take care of YOU!
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Thank you, I think I am worrying more because seeing the urologist this week and going in next week seems very quick,as I know they are supposed to get you in within 2 weeks if its serious,
Anyway , I will do all I can to support him whatever the outcome
He is only worried that he might be impotent, [typical man,lol] ;D but from what I have read as long as the nerves are left that shouldn't be a problem
As I think I have mentioned before, we are fairly new as a couple and, would hope that doesn't happen, but what will be will be, and will make no difference
We are both in our early 70s, and loving our new found relationship,and new lease of life :-X
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It's very brave to begin again if we've been used to a single Life, I really admire you. Typical as you say but there are 'ways' ;).
Let us know.
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Thanks again CLKD, we feel very lucky when we hear of people our age dying and being very ill with no chance of recovery or even normal life :(
My health up to now has been very good, he has had all sorts of illnesses, and car accident etc
My only health problem is I have too much iron and have to have the equivalent of a pint of blood taken if my ferritin gets too high,which is the only treatment for it
Hopefully take after my mother and her mother who lived well into their 90s,and not on any meds for anything, neither am I
We were only saying this last night, how lucky we are.
You have to take every chance of happiness you can get whatever age you are
I had 2 very bad and sometimes violent marriages, so my happy time is here
And yes we have discussed all options if neccessary ;)
We are both young at heart and very active in general, but I do spend too much time on here I have to admit ::) but we both like walking
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You have a lot of sad history: no wonder you are on alert for anything that might spoil this next stage of your Journey! Well done on getting thus far :medal:
Does your blood get used for someone who is anaemic ........ :-\ ?
As an aside, my 91 year old Mum takes Paracetamol as necessary, a pot of Yakult at breakfast and a VitD tablet daily ;)
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Sadly my blood doesnt get used for anyone anaemic, its a shame i think, as i believe it does in Canada
I also take vit D,prescribed by my Dr
The only other stuff i take is lactulose for constipation
Yes things have not been good in thge past ,managed to bring my children up alone for a very long time, neither of the fathers bother with them ,so yes i an always that bit wary of something going wrong
Anyway we will get through this,
I have read that before ab op like this akk meds had to ne stopped in the week before mbut he hasnt said anything about that
Your mother is doing well too by the sound of it, i think the less meds you have to take the better, as sometimes people need to take something else to counteract the side effects of others
My dad always said that, and he never took anything other than paracetamol either
I stopped statins i was put on because my Cholesterol wasnt high, and my local pharmacist said she would never take them, which said something i think, i also have normal to low blood pressure
My previous Dr asked how old my mother was, she was 87 at the time and he said ,you have no need to worry then,dont suppose its always true though
My half brother died of a massive heart attack at 53, his own father died at 53, so who knows :-\
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That's your half-brother's side of the family, interesting history perhaps?
How are you this morning?
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Yes it is interesting,his side of the family on male side were not long livers,his sister, my half sister died in January this year at 84, the women on her fathers side have mostly lived into the 80s, and on hers and my mothers side most into 90s, and mothers male side on her mothers side into the 100s
Oh dear this is sounding complicated
My mother had alzheimers in her last few years, and my sister had vascular dementia, which I hope isn't hereditary
Thank you for asking I am fine today and partner seems very cheerful so that helps
I will update when he has had his op, which is Tuesday, so wont know much until Wednesday probably.
He is expecting to be back to normal straight after coming out of hospital, but I think it might take a bit longer,after speaking to someone whos husband had the same op, but as long as all gores well that is the main thing,i will still be here x
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He'll feel sore probably - let us know later int he week!
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Yes I will definitely let you know, I'm sure he will be sore, and have a catheter for a few days, but he says he heals quickly ,going by previous ops etc
He has no spleen though, so has to be careful of infection, when he had the bowel cancer I think it affected his spleen too,it had got to stage 4 ,so lucky to be here, and then sepsis after his last infection in May,
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All went well with operation. still got catheter in but no drip now,
Hopefully home tomorrow
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Pleased to hear the op went well.
Sending good wishes for his speedy recovery.
Lanzalover
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Thank you Lanzalover, home this afternoon all being well :)
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Apparently all didnt go as well as i was first told,he started bleeding heavily and passed out, woke up to about 10 nurses and Drs around him,
Trying to be superman he said and get to the toilet, but thankfully is home now,
It seems it was because of the aspirin he was taking,he should have been told to stop taking it about a week beforehand
I had told him all this when i researched it, but he wasnt told.
Anyway hes home and still has a catheter in
Has to go back next thursday hopefully for that taken out
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Thanks for the update!
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Another update; has to have another biopsy as something has been found on the tissue already taken I think,
Not good news really, but hopefully its one of those that don't need treatment,
Apparently some are so growing that would take years to become dangerous, and at his age 70,he would be dead before it mattered
Appointment at 3-30,
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Always a worry until one knows that might need to happen.
Let us know?
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Lymph nodes mentioned now, might need to go to another larger hospital,
Waiting for a call from Urologist, this weekend
Hoping its not even worse news
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Fingers crossed for you both jaycee.
Taz x :hug:
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It's the not knowing! the brain can go into over-drive.
However, despite how awful it sounds, maybe it won't be 'that' bad once he has spoken to another Consultant. After all, people can choose not to go for treatment, or to give it a go!
Best wishes.
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How R U today?
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I am fine thank you,up to now,but the latest is he got a letter this morning to have a radioactive dye injection on Wednesday at 4 pm, go home for 3 hours then back for scan for bones,no idea after that
Might still need another biopsy,iy a bit worrying mentioning lymph nodes though
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Was he told to drink lots, I had to drink 2 litres which seemed like a huge amount ::). I was also told not to have contact with either babies or very old people!
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I KNOW HE HAS TO DRINK A LOT AFTER THE SCAN, BUT AS FAR AS I REMEMBER HE HAS TO EAT AND DRINK NORMALLY before it
[Sorry caps on]
He hasn't to go near pregnant ladies ,not sure about the other, cant have sex for at least 3 days after,it says in the letter
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Oh I didn't get told about the no sex ............ I didn't have the energy anyway ::)
Have your C.mas plans gone on hold?
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Following on from previous posts. my partner has been having tests for months, and has now been diagnosed with prostate cancer, not sure of all details yet, but had every test uder the sun i think, yjhe last one found a shadow on his perineum,and been told now its definitely cancer
He will find out all the details on the 5th, dont know what stage its at yet, hopefully an early one, but been told any treatment will be at Castle Hill in Hull, hoping he wont have to go every day, as it is 30 miles each way, maybe a bit more,
It has taken 2 biopsies to find it, and lots of other tests MRIs, bone scans etc
His lymph nodes were mentioned but whether it is just a chance it has spread to his lymph nodes we are not sure until he see the Urologist next week
It has taken from last July to now to find it, but the hospital has been really good and kept on with him very quickly after each test and krpt him informed,yjey did say the bone scan was clear
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That's good that the bone scan was clear, no infiltration into the bone. A 60 miles round trip daily would be tiring. I had 30 miles when I had radiation. Could he/you stay; does he work, I can't remember :-\. It may be worth while looking on the Hospital web-site to see if there are flats aviallbe for patient use for long-term/chronic condition treatments. Sometimes Charities fund flats close to Hospitals for patient use.
Also check about how much car-park might cost and if there is a refund system. Also B&B close by ..............
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Oh suddenly my post appeared, couldnt find it earlier,i did post a few days ago, but couldnt find it again,
So i have said all there is to say for now
It wouldnt be possible for me to stay,i have animals, and i think i said maybe in an earlier post his daughter usually goes with him, we dont live together,
I have been told that in a case like this,if its an everyday trip the hospital can provide transport, will have to look in to that. she works as a teacher,his son lives with him but he has just started a new job, and i dont drive,
Just waiting for next week now, and hopefully the cancer wont have gone any further, a bit worrying that lymph nodes were mentioned, would that make it worse,? i dont know anything about cancer
I cant understand though why it seems to have taken all these tests etc to locate it,they must have had a clue with all the tests and prostate have and 2 biopsies,its gone on a long time
He is 71 next month and retired
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Oh suddenly my post appeared, couldnt find it earlier,i did post a few days ago, but couldnt find it again,
So i have said all there is to say for now
It wouldnt be possible for me to stay,i have animals, and i think i said maybe in an earlier post his daughter usually goes with him, we dont live together,
I have been told that in a case like this,if its an everyday trip the hospital can provide transport, will have to look in to that. she works as a teacher,his son lives with him but he has just started a new job, and i dont drive,
Just waiting for next week now, and hopefully the cancer wont have gone any further, a bit worrying that lymph nodes were mentioned, would that make it worse,? i dont know anything about cancer
I cant understand though why it seems to have taken all these tests etc to locate it,they must have had a clue with all the tests and prostate have and 2 biopsies,its gone on a long time
He is 71 next month and retired
Fingers crossed for you both! It does seem odd that it took so many tests to diagnose it.
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I cant believe it either, never known results for any medical take so long, but at least they didnt give up,must have known there was something going on
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This one?
If you look at your profile you can see your threads and responses.
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I realised after which subject it was in, i was thinking at first it was in others
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Sorted?
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Well results back today,no op, but radiation therapy for every day, for 38-45 weeks involving a 70 mile round trip.plus Hormone therapy, to reduce testosterone, [not too happy about the side effects, but knows its neccessary cant remember how long for, also injections every 3 months
No lymph nodes involved, but could be worse
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Are there regular scans during treatment? The time scale seems harsh, every week day? not weekends? ...... that's almost a year? Is the Dept aware of the distances involved, maybe ask for support for dieseal/petrol? You may find one of the Cancer Charities, i.e. Macmillan, will pay a 1-off amount towards costs.
Does the Hospital have flats for patient use? Is there a PALS Dept for advice? Radiation can cause tiredness so who will drive him there and back?
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So sorry, not 38 weeks,its 8 weeks, 38-45 treatments, he said 38 weeks, must have got mixed up, i am assuming he will have scans,but maybe after having some of the radiotherapy, and HT and injections
According to most people i have spoken to, online,the radiotherapy is a walk in the park,its the Hormone therapy that is the worst re side effects
A few people have said their other half have driven themselves and been fine
He did mention that maybe he could get help towards petrol etc, but i doubt he would get it, he isnt short of money and has a big car, not sure what make, but a very expensive one, so i dont think he can expect it, but hes a bit tight so probably will ask
I can understand someone not so well off or on benefits etc wanting help, but i wouldnt expect it in this case
I dont think he would want to stay somewhere, but his son or daughter would normally take him but both working, and i dont drive
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Has he sorted out a time to have the treatment? I was able to book the same time every day for 4 weeks. I drove myself mostly. I had to lay still for 5 mins., it took me longer to get un/dressed than have the treatment ::)
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I think the radiotherapy comes after the tablets are finished,
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How R *U*?
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I am fine thank you CLKD, and partner seems ok, :) :) he is still on the tablets for another 12 days, and had one injection,then starts on the Radiotherapy
He has a cousin who has had RT and HT and got some useful info off him, but not sure if the same treatment will exactly apply ,as maybe the cousins cancer was in a different area
He is very upbeat about it,even though still prostate,he doent think he will need the enema befor the RD ,but whether he knows for sure he didnt say
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:foryou:
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Thank you , he has had 2 weeks on the tablets and 1 injection up to now, he goes to the hospital where he will be having the Radiotherapy on the 18th April, possoibly just to find out initially what will be the routine etc, he has been told nothing about it yet
His cousin had this treatment for PC so told him something about it, but could be a bit different mayube dependig on the area
No loss of libido yet ;D
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I went for an assessment for radiation and opted for tattoos. Otherwise it would have been a dye which could have washed off and I do LOVE my bath! The assessment included laying still whilst the laser was lined up, then the area was tattooed to enable each delivery would been the same place. Clever. I took a tape [remember those ;D] to listen to whilst having the rays, took about 4 mins.; longer to get undressed/dressed than have the treatment ::)
I also had to avoid young children and the elderly and was not allowed to sit in the sun whilst having treatment. Large hat was required.
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I have read about having to lie still while having the laser was lined up. what are the tattoos for, are they so they dont have to be marked every time you have treatment?
Also do you mean while the treatment is ongoing you cant sit outside in the sun at all?not much danger of that at the moment is there, this weather ::)
He has been told he has to keep away from, pregnant women and babies for 2 hours after treatment, thats all he knows up to now
I do remember tapes :),i still have one that i play when i cant sleep, a relaxation tape
The treatment is very quick isnt it, ?
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You are correct, well done on interpreting my garbled explanation ::).
The tattoos are so that the laser is lined up exactly each time. I had to wear a hat, the Jamaican lady who had treatment B4 I did, and I used to have dress the hat competitions ;D each day, of course she had the better dressed hat as she had bright ribbons etc. to hand ::).
I think I was under the beam for less than 4 mins.. Took longer to get undressed/dressed :D. I had slight sunburn for which I was given cream eventually ......... to be used sparingly ::). It looked like I had sat in the sun with half a breast showing .........
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Sounds as if it wasnt too bad then, and the hat competition must have been a good distraction
I hope he doesnt get sunburn where he is having the radiation or he might not be able to sit down
I did read that the radiation treatment was very short
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A few moments of zapping but over a period of weeks can cause sunburn. Maybe he should be encouraged to ask ;-)
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Yes good idea,i will mention it to him
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Short update,he is going on Wednesday for the marking of where the radiation beams will be aimed at
All seems to be ok up to now,hes had 2 injections, and still feeling ok, no side effects yet
Not sure when treatment will start, i have forgotten how long he has to take the HT tablets for,
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Just checked back posts,and the tablets were only for 12 days,he hasnt mentioned finishing them
Will update again after the 18th
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*CLKD*,did you have to go to be marked for the treatment first,or was it done on first day of treatment, just curious ?x
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Sorry been away sorting Mother's property ...... then we took a break - I wasn't given radiation until 3 months post surgery, to allow the surgical areas to heal. In the meantime I had a body scan to make sure my bones were healthy followed by 2 hours with the Oncologist and Radiographer when the tattoos were put on. That was about 2 weeks prior to the first treatment session. It was tattoos on the breast or blue ink but I couldn't have bathed for the 4 weeks of treatment and I loves my bath I does ;D
How R U feeling?
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Oh thanks for your reply, not sure what he has had done ,he has been a bit distant recently, not sure why, so have not seen or heard from him since tuesday,
As far as i know it was just a visit for marking ,
I really dont know if he wants us to carry on, getting mixed signals, so i am not feeling very happy at the moment,in fact very annoyed, but will wait to hear,when hes ready to tell me
Will update when i know more
What a shame you missed your baths, always look forward to a nice warm one in cold weather especially, but mostly shower, as its much quicker
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Meant to say i hope you enjoyed your break, sound as if you have been busy and probably ready for one
This situation might be different to yours as no surgery involved,which is why i wondered if he would get some treatment on the same day
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I didn't phrase that particularly clearly - if I had been painted with blue dye I would have not been able to get into water which is why I opted for the tattooes so that I could bath every night.
Your man probably has a lot on his mind ..........
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Sorry for long delay in posting, marking will be done next week on the 17th, and treatment started on the 4th of June, he has to take a tablet the night before, thinks its a laxative
Thats all i know for now,
Hope you are well, and enjoying nice weather, very nice here this morning, but not too warm im sorry to say
Where in the country are you?
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Midlands. Dull. Overcast. Chilly wind but warm when the sun comes out!
How R U?
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Not very nice here today,dry and bright,but not summer, not too cold, just waiting for dinner to cook, having sons over
Re partner, dont really know what is going on, i finished it last week as he seems to be not getting in touch much, and ignoring messages,so i had enough, thought i would give him a wakeup call, cant do with being messed about,
He called to see me and said" why do you care i dont",.when i asked how he was getting on,
Anyway,made up, but not heard from him again.
I have been very stressed about that,and my son has been in hospital twice this week with suspected tia,hes had them before, but i think these were panic attacks, when he felt he was having a stroke
I have lost a stone in wight in the last few months.doesnt sound a lot, but was only slim to begin with
As things stand i dont know where i do ::)
We will see :-\
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You are worrying for him when he appears not to be worried. You don't live together. Concentrate on your son? What advice has the Hospital given him? Maybe your partner is concerned about your being concerned ;-) but won't say so.
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*CKLD* I dont have much more news, he is blowing hot and cold, last saw him 3 weeks ago, and all was good, then nothing, no texts or phone calls, he has done this before then just turned up out of the blue as if nothing was wrong,
I do know he went to have an injection at the Drs. the day after i saw him then marked ready for treatment the day after that, not seen him since,and he starts treatment on the 4th of June
I am upset about it because i seem to be getting mixed messages,
Anyway i will update if i have anything to tell
I know the Hormone therapy can affect the moods, only from what i have read, but the silence is worrying
My son is very depressed and i visit him every day its mainly because he hasnt got his universal credits sorted out from before Christmas, and is worrying about losing his flat, he hasnt much to live on and tax credits are saying he owes over £1000 from 7 years ago, and its coming out of what money he does get at almost £50 a month, he is not the only one apparently,lots of people have been hit with this all from 7 years ago,and having large amounts taken from them
It is disgusting putting people in hardship
Meant to say my son was having bad panic attacks it seems, , so that is less of a worry, but he is very stressed
I am subsidising him as much as i can
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Tnx. Concentrate on your son. What financial advice has he accessed?
As for your partner, how much does he put into the relationship, is it one-sided with more running from you?
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Thanks for your reply, my son has had a bit more luck, financially, hopefully will be sorted soon,
I see him every day, imake a point of ringing or calling on him, but i always check first if he would like me too, he has made me a meal tonight, and i think he needs more company,
The trouble is most of his friends are drinkers, and he has an alcohol problem which doesnt help, he is getting help with that, but when friends who also drink call it puts him back,
Forgot to say this tax credits lark is ridiculous, his MP contacted them and received a letter back, a copy of which he sent to my son, in it whoever wrote this letter has referred to him as mrs[ name] and her, not him
Also changed the year and amount ,
Re,this relationship, has been about equal really until recently,
It is only since he has been having the treatment that he has been different,
He was bothered about the HT treatment ,and how it would affect him
He said the last time i saw him that he probably wouldnt see me as much because of treatment and "summer being a busy time" whatever that means, gardening usually,, although he did say Radiotherapy can make people tired, so that might be part of it, until he sees how he feels but anyway,i am just leaving it up to him now, so will see how it goes, i dont worry as much as you seem to think, or at least i dont say much to him about it, he told me not to worry, as he doesnt
Im sure he isnt as cool about it as he says,but who knows, he wouldnt say i think
He will probably just turn up out of the blue, as he has done sometimes when there has been a bit of a lull as if nothing has changed
I am just going to leave him to it, the ball is in his court so to speak
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How much does your son need those people in his Life? Maybe maintain contact via a land-line so that he keeps in the loop without going out for a drink? I've never bothered what others think of me ........ friends don't put friends under pressure. Years ago someone handed me a ciggie but warned it might make me sick so I handed it back. I've never had people nagging me to smoke or drink, I don't do either!
You could suggest to him that 1 or more of that group might like not to drink as much but it will take 1 or more to begin choosing some other hobbies, it could be your son who starts that ball rolling. Alcohol is a depressant. It alters how we feel. But that feeling doesn't last. AA is the place for support for families and sufferers.
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*CLKD* Thank you for your reply, sorry about the long silence, my son has got a lot of his problems sorted now
As for my relationship, i have no idea what is going on, i have had no contact since the day before he went to be marked,
His last words were "i probably wont see you much over summer but dont worry" not heard a thing since
I am fed up with how he is, so this is probably the end of it
He has continually promised we would go somewhere, do something, not string me along, and everything has just been the opposite
He really upset me at Christmas, as he said he didnt get me anything as i wasnt part of his family, strange attitude,but carried on talking about what HE was getting from his children, some box set or other
I feel as if i am worth nothing to him,
I dont know much about him really, he said when i first met him he would tell me someday why his marriage was a failure , when i asked after a long time,he said he didnt want to talk about his private life
I have read things about Narccisism, and am now convinced that is what he is,or a sociopath, there is definitely something not right, he has no conscience or empathy,
He kept telling me how generous he was ,and how he was always helping people, but his actions have proved the opposite
I still care about him, but i am not going to be treated like this any longer
I know when his treatment is over he will turn up as if he has only been the day before.as he has done before after a long abcense
He just doesnt seem to care about anything,or anyone,he recently told his son he would never get married or have children if he could go back
I do feel his past has a lot to do with it
Apparently he was adopted.,but his [adopted] mother left him with his [adopted] father,whi didnt treat him well
I feel he holds it against all women somehow
So sorry for the long rant, there is more but i wont go into that just now
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What have you done in the intervening weeks to keep occupied? Some men like to string partners along, it's a sense of control. If he doesn't suffer from panic attacks which makes him unreliable, then I think you are well out of it. Perhaps he doesn't feel able to give much with his history but that doesn't help you.
I don't think that this is narcissism as those people like a continual audience. I would walk away and have a retort if he turns up. 'This is no longer convenient for me, I have lots of plans with family ' should suffice. We don't have to justify our private life.
Glad that your son is improving his situation, maybe concentrate on issues closer to your home situation? Fill your hours with stuff!
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Thanks again for your reply* CLKD* I have kept busy, the anxiety has gone more or less as i was always wondering if he would turn up or not, have thought about him a lot, mainly puzzling out why he is like he is, wasnt so much upset about Christmas or birthday present, more because of the reason why?
To all outsiders he is a lovely man, he is very charming, and very sociable, always seems cheerful, speaks to everyone who passes his house, if he happens to be in his garden, especially if they have dogs,
There is something else which has bothered me a lot, but didnt really take it as being concerning him
He once asked me if i thought a relationship with a 16 year old girl and a 60 year old man would work,
Horrified really i said oh no that would be wrong,he looked puzzled, as if he didnt think so
Then said he liked small women, and liked how tiny i am, [just under 5ft,he is 5-9]
It didnt ring alarm bells at the time, because i didnt really think about it,
Since not seeing him i have thought a lot about things he said
I have kept busy, with my son, visiting him, and also i am decorating my kitchen,and gardening
Something else he said made me ask [jokingly] if he was under a curfew,he didnt answer
He insists he never lies, and gets quite annoyed if anyone thinks he does, but he does im sure as he contradicts himself a lot
Am i being paranoid do you think?
After mulling over everything, i dont think i could go back,
I sent him a message saying it was over
There is something not right,he doesnt think like most people
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I think that you are hearing alarm bells but not reacting to them. Don't think about him as much? Don't hinge on the perceived excitement of the whys because you will never be free of him, there will always be 'WTF' surrounding him.
If he pops up a "Hope that your treatment regime went well" is enough. Make yourself busy!
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*CLKD* Yes i think you are right, it was so nice meeting someone i really took to, which doesnt happen often with me, even when i was younger,that i really wasnt listening properly then
I guess i have had time to really think about conversations and mull them over
He only lives around the corner from me so difficult to avoid, but i am not going that way with my dog now,as that was how i met him, sat in his garden, and taking his sons dog for a walk,he was always just behind me
Sorry for the offloading onto you,im sure you have more important things to do than reading about my failed love life
I did bump into his son last week, and he told me his dad was feeling tired and it had affected his bladder,and apparently his radiotherapy finishes on the 24th of this month,so i bet if he is feeling better he will be round here
I did end it once a few weeks ago, and he was round here within an hour,and said he didnt want it to end, so tried again
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You off-load. Sometimes putting thoughts onto the paper makes issues clearer. Out of the head and away ;-).
Don't consider this a 'failure'. Every day is a Learning Curve. This isn't someone you need in your Life. He has lots of baggage. No doubt he has stepped aside from most things due to undergoing treatment, I know I was totally focussed on appt. times and went to bed after each session. If I was late the Siamese would stand half-way up the stairs as if to say 'come on, it's cuddle time' ;D
Let it go. Enjoy your :scottie:
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*CLKD* Thank you, im sure the treatment wont have helped his mood, hormone treatment i believe can have a bad effect, he can be lovely, which is the side i miss, but cant do with the underlying feelings i have that something isnt right,and maybe he was too embarrassed to say he knew the effects of treatment could be bad,so said he was going to be busy, just cant understand the no contact
He is like 2 different people sometimes, its hard work and confusing figuring him out,
Anyway>>>>>>>>>>>>>..
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Is there any rush to re-connect?
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Hi,* CLKD * not really sure what you mean? but no rush at all for anything , as far as im concerned its over, and i have told him, but im sure he will still come here when he is feeling better, to explain his absence--like he did before--or make excuses
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Do you want to reconnect, if so have an answer ready ;-).
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Ah i see what you mean, [i think] not the way i feel now no,
I would rather he stayed away altogether, then i wont be tempted, i still think a lot about him, and he is very persuasive,
He is one of those people you just cant help liking, as i said before everyone who meets him thinks hes a lovely man, and he can be , and he has a very positive attitude to life, but doesnt trust people, hes very wary of letting anyone into his private life, but also doesnt seem to care about anything, kind of Que Sera Sera attitude
I have known him for 2 years now, and all i know is he had a very disturbed childhood, and something bad happened to him he said,but its very frustrating being told half a story,he did apologise once and said he didnt always say what was in his heart
When i first met him he seemed very shy and quiet on his own with me,
Most of the time he has been very nice to me and polite etc, and thoughtful, its just the thing at Christmas more than anything that upset me,like i didnt count,and now this silence
On the other hand i wonder if he feels hes getting in too deep and pulling away,
Hard to explain,but easier if i didnt see him,avoiding going near his house, his daughter and son are looking after him i think
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Not your sheep, not your Farm ;-). If he has family ......... manipulators can be persuasive ........... :-\
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I know what you are saying, just keeping my distance now :(
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It does take practice to walk away from someone with a kind side. However. ;)
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Meant to say,never heard that saying before, re,sheep/farm, ,i get what you meant though
Interesting,you have/had a Siamese,i had one,up until 2 years ago, :( the most loving affectionate cat ever , he was called Merlin,have just my Ragdolls now,and dog of course
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We have a Rag-doll living next door. He looks constantly surprised :o ;D
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Hi, how are you? i have 3 Ragdolls 2 girls and a boy,yes they have beautiful eyes, mine go into the garden but never go away, probably because there are dogs both sides, but they are happy being house cats too
Re; the boyfriend, nothing to report, saw him in his car last week, he waved and smiled,i ignored himI am sure he will turn up, eventually, unless hes got the message, i dont think he will have expected me to ignore him :-\