Menopause Matters Forum

General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 11:27:22 AM

Title: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 11:27:22 AM
Recently I was writing a presentation on limiting beliefs and what holds us back.

Most of us have grown up with ideas and expectations that we never challenge or break away from but many of us do reach a point in life when we discover something that liberates us and makes us see life differently and opens us up to getting more from ourselves and our relationships with others.

A valuable lesson that I learnt as a young person was that what we accomplish at school or how we are judged by teachers is not an accurate reflection of who we are or an indication of what we can achieve. It's probably fair to say that this ethos  underpins all my teaching and development work.

If you could share one thing that you have learnt in your life that might have held you back but now may benefit others, what would it be?
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: rebel2 on September 07, 2017, 11:52:50 AM
Try and see yourself through the eyes of others.  If, like me, you suffer from low self-esteem, it can be an eye opener.   Most people see me as confident and self-assured - it's all a front!
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dazned on September 07, 2017, 12:03:08 PM
I used to view everything very " black and white " in my youth ,now I have learnt that there are grey areas and indeed a huge spectrum of colours. There's always various routes to achieve your goals and more than one way to skin a cat,as they say.  ;) Indeed by stepping off my previous narrow path a whole new world has opened up to me.😇
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 12:06:49 PM
Thanks Rebel,


                      guess we all have a public face and a private one.  ;)

I think that black and white view is very common in youth Dazned, the more we learn the more we learn that there is lots that we dont know. lol
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Butterfly22 on September 07, 2017, 12:21:52 PM
Learn to say no without worrying how others feel, I worry to much and over the last few years I put myself first and if others have a problem that's up to them.
I've had to put myself first with all my health problems, if I have to cancel something people who no me will understand.
I do lack confidence which I'm still working on but I'm getting better, I even went on a confidence course the doctor sent me on.
I also learnt to be kind and never judge as you never no what someone else is going through xx
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Ju Ju on September 07, 2017, 12:36:56 PM
The most important thing I was told and have taken on board is that my worth and value in this world is a given, as is yours! Nothing to prove.

But I have learnt so many other things, but you said just one! I just wish I knew what I know now when I was little! I was never the child my Mum told me I was. But it's never too late late to access happiness within ourselves. Oh dear here I go......one thing....sorry...60, health challenges, but I'm happier than I have ever been.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 12:42:50 PM
Oh Ju!

    dont hold back on your wisdom. Yes I said "one thing" but I lied.  ;)

     knock yourself out girl and tell us all you know.lol
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Annie0710 on September 07, 2017, 12:44:37 PM
Better to try and fail, than to never try at all

Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 12:45:15 PM
Lil

   I'm right behind you with the not judging.  :)

  I hope you found the confidence course helpful. Negative comments made about us as children can be hard to shake off.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 12:48:22 PM
Thats a good one Annie,

   but fear of failure can be very disabling. What's your top tips to keep trying?
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Annie0710 on September 07, 2017, 12:52:23 PM
A couple of things I've witnessed/seen in my real life and social media lately are :

Don't judge unless you've walked in that person's shoes

Confidence is an asset, but arrogance is, well, just ugly
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Annie0710 on September 07, 2017, 12:53:20 PM
Thats a good one Annie,

   but fear of failure can be very disabling. What's your top tips to keep trying?

Quiet belief in what you want, or an interest in what you want to do I guess x
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dazned on September 07, 2017, 01:00:42 PM
Annie0710 great point,there's been a lot on social media recently ,especially about depression and people not realising , " they look fine to me " ,if you've never been there don't presume to know .
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 07, 2017, 01:14:06 PM
Something that I discovered in my 20's was that some people just dont have empathy for others. Some have sympathy and try to relate others experiences to their own which is nice of them but really not the same thing.

I couldn't understand why I was compassionate, tolerant, accepting and supportive of others but they did not offer me the same in return. One day I realised that the reason was not that they were not withholding all those things from me when I needed them most. They just did't have it to give. It didn't stop me being me but it stopped me expecting others to be like me. I no longer felt let down or hurt by them, I just learnt to seek out the company of those like me for the empathy and accept those without empathy for who they were.

Like you Analee, I found it very liberating!
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dulciana on September 07, 2017, 08:43:51 PM
Something I discovered in my late forties was that you don't have to be 20-something to succeed in life.  What you do need is belief in yourself and a burning desire to succeed.  In 2008 and in 2014 (by then aged 55), I achieved basic and then professional-level qualifications in what had started as a related sideline in the 1980's.    :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Butterfly22 on September 07, 2017, 09:39:21 PM
Some great posts, I do think a lot about others situations as so easy to say "well I'd never do that" etc!
You just don't no! So don't judge.
Even if I smile as someone in the street and get nothing back or blanked I think you never no what's going on with that person today.
In a cruel world it's nice to be kind. 💕💕
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: CLKD on September 07, 2017, 09:41:03 PM
It's a good thread but I'm too tired to responsd .......... give me time ;-)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 08, 2017, 07:29:29 AM
Your responses are always worth waiting for CLKD.

Take as long as you need and type as much as you like.  ;)

Not taking others actions personally is a great skill Lil, sounds like you master it by feeling empathy and compassion for others.  :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: babyjane on September 08, 2017, 08:46:25 AM
Thank you for this thread and these posts.  I needed reminding of some of them.  Because of my upbringing I have a tendency to be a tad judgmental and expect the same from others that I would give.  thanks for the reminder.

What I want to share though, given later years and increase in life events, is to try to live for today and not struggle to see the bigger picture because it doesn't often turn out as you imagine and you waste time fretting and worrying.

And love your family whoever they are and whatever they do as you never know when they might not be there.

And don't wait and expect others to change.  If you can change your attitude to them you may find they change towards you and it can be liberating.

Sorry, that's three but I wanted to share them. It cost me a fair bit of time and money to get to these three but I am so glad I did  :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 08, 2017, 08:56:47 AM
Ooow some wise words there Babyjane.

     And you are right about the challenge of enjoying the moment rather that stressing about what may or may not happen. It's not easy when we fear the impact of negative consequences but hugely beneficial if we can focus on what we have and be positive about the future.

Mohamed Ali used a great technique called Zones of proximity. Before a boxing match he didnt need to worry about loosing as the match hadn't begun yet, when he was in the ring he didn't need to worry as the bell hadn't rung yet, when the match began he didn't need to worry as his opponent hadn't thrown a punch yet. He used this mindset to remain calm and relaxed with a positive expectation of success. It certainly worked for him.  ;D
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: CLKD on September 08, 2017, 03:15:40 PM
When ever I write a wedding celebration card I put on the bottom:

"Never go to sleep on an argument"

Also, although at ages from about 9-20, friends were important and I would get hurt if they didn't react as I needed them to, I realise now that friends come and go ......... that I need to realise that I am not the only pebble on the beach and that others have issues sometimes

 :thankyou: Sooby  :wub:
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 08, 2017, 04:42:15 PM
Its hard to take such an objective approach CLKD when we need something from others so badly. I sometimes think that the irony of that situation is that the more needy and demanding we are, the less others want to be with us or give us their time and attention.

Achieving your level of acceptance must be a very nice place to be CLKD ( though I'm guessing that when the chips are down, you get a lot of love and support from that fab hubby of yours ;))

I think we do sometimes put too much emphasis on what others think of us Trey and especially of those whos opinions don't really matter. So your wise words make a lot of sense.  :)

I love Caitlin Morans positive musings on life and particularly like the message to teenage girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyDuG-gCX0k

If you don't know her stuff she wrote the comedy series Raised by wolves along with her sister and has a very creative and life affirming take on being female. Being funny, clever and female is a powerful combination.

Heres to the wisdom of women!  ;D 

Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: CLKD on September 08, 2017, 04:43:45 PM
Worrying about what others thought was important whilst growing up.  I was taught not to say anything if it wasn't going to be nice and to treat others as I wanted to be treated.

I had to stand back in order to protect my mental health.  Saying 'no' got easier ;-)

Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 08, 2017, 05:13:32 PM
Haha, 

    you two have just reminded me that  when I was little I was taught that "you can forgive a thief but you can never trust a liar" and that a hypocrite was the worst thing to be. Given that I was a very literal kid and that children tend to say what they see at the best of times, my commitment to the truth was lethal.

  And I always struggled with the concept of if you cant say anything nice....etc and answering honestly. So if I was asked " do you think I look fat?....... :o. Lol

  It was a huge relief for me and everyone else when I discovered that tact and diplomacy are not the same as a lie!

  It's a good feeling to be  confident in your beliefs but not to need to force them on others.  ;)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 08, 2017, 06:02:09 PM
But Lil do you think that sometimes we can become dogmatic and entrenched in our views as a response to how others present their views?

If others are open minded and respectful it's much easier to be open minded and respectful to others.

Having said that, I do think that I perhaps swing too far the other way. Recently some Jehovah's Witnesses called and despite being very clear that I didn't share their beliefs I was so open minded, respectful and non judgmental they didn't quite know what to say. Lol

In fact I would go so far as to say that one of them may even have been pondering on my take on the world as an alternative to theirs. :rofl:    OH was just flitting round in the background smirking and rolling his eyes. When the J.W's had left he just shook his head and said "It's them I feel sorry for, they were expecting either polite embarrassment or hostile abuse and instead they get you killing em with kindness with you charm offensive" Lol 
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Butterfly22 on September 08, 2017, 06:22:14 PM
Haha that's funny, I no what you mean but I'm quite firm if I believe in something.
I think that's why I changed my thinking as I thought I'm right everyone else is wrong but I do try and see things from other views. Xx
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 09, 2017, 07:44:20 AM
I think there is a skill to really listening though, would you agree Trey? Its not about just staying quiet and thinking about what you are going to say next. Its about focusing on the other person, the words that they choose and their body language. I guess in medicine that it is very important but I agree that this is another valuable lesson for life.

Your observations as a nurse reminded me of a poem that my god father taught me as a little girl Trey,

A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke,
The less he spoke,
The more he heard,
Why can't we be like that wise old bird?

Well there's some wise old birds on this forum thats for sure!

Thanks for all your pearls of wisdom ladies.  :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Ju Ju on September 09, 2017, 01:51:26 PM
Sooty, you said I could share more!

Learning to be fully present when listening, so that a person feels really heard, is a skill that needs practice, but anyone can acquire once they understand what it means. Not interrupting, bringing attention to yourself, eyes not glazing over etc.

Now other things I can share.

Sometimes people treat you badly without obvious provocation or react out of all proportion to something you have said or done or reading something into what you have said that was not implied or intended. That's because they are reacting to past pain not the present. We all do this sometimes, but sometimes you find you have to tread very carefully with some people. Some people seem to be looking for an argument. It is not personal; it is about them and the bad place they are in. It helps to understand this so you don't feel undermined. It helps to understand the background of any abusive behaviour for your own sake, but there is never any excuse for abusive behaviour.

Unconditional love does not mean that you should tolerate abuse/bad behaviour. With a child, you have to make it clear that being cross about behaviour does not mean withdrawing love. It's the behaviour you don't like, but the child you love whatever. It's the same with adult relationships, but in cases of really abusive behaviour you have to remove yourself. Love from a distance.

It is not selfish to look after your needs first, as then you are more able to look after others. If you can love yourself unconditionally, without that awful judgemental voice, then it is easier to give and to be open to receiving love.

And life becomes more simple and less stressful. ❤️ To you all!
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 09, 2017, 05:58:32 PM
Thanks for that Ju ju,

        some very astute observations and insightful comments.

         I do think that you are right about the conclusions and assumptions that people make is a reflection of their state of mind but I must confess that I am not as good at loving those that behave badly towards me as you are.  :)

          I dont get worked up or bare grudges but I do tend to find that my feelings for them diminish and I tend to move on. I admire people like yourself who can continue to feel love from a distance.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Wrensong on September 09, 2017, 06:10:10 PM
Great thread!  Thought provoking & interesting.  Lovely to read so much wisdom.  Great post Ju Ju.  Thanks everyone.  :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Ju Ju on September 09, 2017, 08:04:18 PM
Oh feeling love for some people is difficult. I had to seek help as I was so angry about the way my Mum treated me as a child and the way my BIL treated me with such hostility. But such anger was only harming me. I love my Mum. I don't always like her, but that's ok. And my BIL, silly man, has lost out on rewarding relationships with DH, me, the children and now grandchildren. His choice. Very isolated man. Love? Sorry, no. Pity? Yes.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dulciana on September 09, 2017, 08:40:58 PM
Something I discovered in my late forties was that you don't have to be 20-something to succeed in life.  What you do need is belief in yourself and a burning desire to succeed.  In 2008 and in 2014 (by then aged 55), I achieved basic and then professional-level qualifications in what had started as a related sideline in the 1980's.   My passion had become my profession.

I know my post is nothing to do with relating to people, or whatever, but I just want to follow it up by saying: if you still have ambitions, even at our time of life, please do go for it.    By the time I graduated, even though I had a degree I thought I'd never amount to very much.   And for twenty five years, I was pretty well right.  A massive door opened in 2005, though, and the rest is history (see above).   I suppose the vast majority of people who achieve success do so in their 20's and 30's.  Well, I hope that my story is proof that it can also be done later in life.    :)
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Ju Ju on September 09, 2017, 08:59:43 PM
You are an inspiration, dulciana! Particularly to me.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dulciana on September 10, 2017, 05:49:29 AM
Thanks Ju Ju!  :thankyou:
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dulciana on September 10, 2017, 05:52:26 AM
I think there is a skill to really listening though, would you agree Trey? Its not about just staying quiet and thinking about what you are going to say next. Its about focusing on the other person, the words that they choose and their body language. I guess in medicine that it is very important but I agree that this is another valuable lesson for life.

Your observations as a nurse reminded me of a poem that my god father taught me as a little girl Trey,

A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke,
The less he spoke,
The more he heard,
Why can't we be like that wise old bird?

Well there's some wise old birds on this forum thats for sure!

Thanks for all your pearls of wisdom ladies.  :)

Wow, Sooby - that's one my gran used to say to us.  I'd forgotten it so thanks for posting it.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Sooby on September 10, 2017, 10:16:50 AM
Dulciana,

              in the words of Henry Ford - "If you think you can, or you think you can't, your probably right"

              If you dont believe that you have any worth then you will selectively ignore any evidence to the contrary in favour of evidence that supports your belief.

               I'm So pleased to hear that you changed your opinion of yourself and realised your potential, your passion and your dream. ;D Go for it girl! It's never to late to decide to strive what you want or to start believing in yourself. We all deserve to shine.  ;) 
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: dulciana on September 10, 2017, 01:56:02 PM
Thanks Sooby.  It's been a lot of hard work (it still is!) and I've had to battle quite a few psychological gremlins along the way but the rewards outweigh these gremlins by miles.
Title: Re: If you could share one thing...?
Post by: Suzi Q on September 13, 2017, 03:21:56 PM
A happy life and good freinds x