Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => One Life, Live it, Celebrate it! => Topic started by: babyjane on July 29, 2016, 10:42:03 AM
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Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte
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Thank you for sharing that Babyjane. The words are so beautiful and very true xxx
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We have that up in our school classrooms.
Taz x :)
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It's very true, I lived with 5 out of the first 7 and they shaped who I still am today. I am now working to overcome the effects as I approach my 60s. So many years and possibilities wasted through poor parenting :(
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BabyJane - are you my long-lost sister that I never had? :)
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Hello ladies.
I was born in 1956 and during my early school days constant criticism and corporal punishment were the norm. There was no encouragement or praise at all. When I mentioned this to my daughter she was amazed and said " you mean you didn't have star charts?". I think this demonstrates how attitudes have changed and we now recognise that positive reinforcement is a much better way of educating our children. Apparently the same technique is also successful for training dogs lol.
Take care ladies.
K.
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I lived with some of those too. Shocking really.
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My childhood was very happy, loving and secure but being the youngest of 4, and very ditsy (still am !) I was and still am ridiculed by most people all bar my mum (who always stood up for me, love her) and I've always lacked confidence
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In hindsight, I think I was on the dyslexia spectrum (both children dyslexic). I started school in 1959. I couldn't wait to start school, but it was a big let down.
I was treated in varying ways, not bright like my sister or bright, but not making the effort, both at home and at school. The classroom tables were arranged in groups according to ability, top, middle and bottom. There wasn't any attempt to hide the fact that a child was struggling. I was in the bottom group early on. The message I learnt was that I was less worthy and of less value than the children in the top group. By age 10, reading fell into place and I was promoted to the top group, but the damage was done.
The teacher of the top class of junior school was a bully. He would cane and shove children against desks usually those who were academically struggling, but he had a hands off policy for me as I had poorly controlled asthma. He had a nasty experience of making me run round the playing field!
In secondary school, we were placed in the classroom according according to our termly exams results. My friend struggled with English and was in the 'bottom' seat. She told me she had given up. What was the point of trying?
When my own children went to school, the message was the same. You are less worthy if you are challenged academically and if you are the parent, you are failing your child! And my son, who was/is severely dyslexic was seen as a problem. The headteacher suggested I removed him from the village school, as he affected their position in the league tables due to his SATS results. Apparently, if he went to a school in the town, he would be with his own kind, whatever that was.
I became an early years teacher because I wanted to give children a better early school experience as a solid basis. I wanted them to leave my class knowing they were valuable and amazing regardless of any academic achievements. I hope I achieved that. I also felt my son was gifted to us as we counteracted the negative messages he received at school. In the latter years of my teaching career, where I worked mainly as a supply teacher, I encountered some wonderful, caring and nurturing teachers. They are out there! I made a judgement of each teacher. Would I trust this teacher with my son when he was little? And if the answer was yes, I would tell them, as teachers need positive feedback as much as children. Funny, I kept being asked back!
I have read that there is a very high percentage of dyslexic or illiterate inmates in prisons. Not difficult to see why, if they get negative feedback at home and school.
PS. I would love to meet my son's headteacher again and inform her of how successful my 'problem' son is both as a person and academically. However the temptation would be to sing na na,n, na na!
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I don't know Poppi. What makes you think I could be? :) I never had siblings :(
BabyJane - are you my long-lost sister that I never had? :)
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Wow! Sorry Babyjane, I thought that your account of your childhood and your memories were very similar to mine but it turns out there are many of us. However, we have all survived our "challenges" and truimphed over them ;)
My parents were awful. As the eldest of 4, I was very hard-done by. I know that corporal punishment was OK in the 60s but I was physically abused by my father, who was egged on by my mother. The last time he hit me was in 1982 when I was 23 and my back was black and blue from my neck down to my hips. I didn't dare tell anybody but did tell my fiance (now husband) once the bruising had subsided a bit. My parents did not approve of my husband as I was a catholic, he wasn't and DH was at university so obviously thought he was better than us (absolutely NOT true - he is the most down-to-earth person I have ever known. My father is now dead and I realise that my mother ruined any kind of father-daughter relationship due to her own jealousy. Last time we spoke she asked me why I hadn't had a better relationship with my father. When I told her that he had hit me all the time, she said "You deserved it". I just laughed/sighed, she turned on the crocodile tears and stormed out of my house. She drove out of the drive, stopping and looking round every so often to see if I would run after her - I certainly learned that to avoid emotional abuse meant having nothing to do with those who potentially would taunt me and laugh at me. My sister is her mother's daughter and her 3 children are the favourite grandchildren whereas my 2 are definitely scum of the earth (in Grandma's eyes)
Sorry this is so long but I have put a tiny bit of this in words - couldn't do that 3 years or so ago. I won't bore everybody with more but I was so happy to leave home. I became a teacher as I wanted to treat children with the respect they most certainly deserve. My sister (jealous as her mother) failed most of school exams and made it quite clear that being a teacher was no big deal. She told me that she encouraged her son to argue with teachers as his opinions were right !!!
My 2 (adults now)are not perfect but I hope they look back on their childhood focussing on happy memories.
(last sentence now!) at Christmas our son said to his Dad that he didn't look on us as "only parents", but mates as well - that made my day! :) :)
Poppi x
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ps
Meant to say that I had fabulous Grandparents on both sides, and they taught me what it's like to respect and be respected, love and be loved and that it's ok NOT to be 1st in the class, so long as I try my best. Once again, this loving relationship I had with these 4 wonderful people is something my adult sister is very jealous about. :-X
Pxx
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Do you think having some positive influence from loving grandparents and other adults help children question parenting that doesn't help them flourish? Is that why some continue the cycle of abuse and others don't? Just thinking. My fathers parents were very loving and proud of me. They didn't live near, but it was a beacon of light.
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I knew no different, I thought it was how it was for everyone. Only in the last couple of years have I had the help I needed to see that it most definintely was not all right. My mother was unkind and my father was inadequate and my grandmother, who was narcissistic, lived with us all through my childhood. I had no siblings so I was at their mercy.
It was certainly no place for a child to grow up well balanced but it was where I was and I am only now dealing with the fall out.
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Babyjane, you have broken the cycle and are a survivor. I am so sorry that your grandmother was hurtful too, have you had counselling (sorry,if you think that's too nosey of me, just ignore me). I had counselling last year to understand my constant anxiety and I admitted quite naturally, without thinking about it, that I had been physically abused.
I was so cynical about counselling as I have been married very happily for 35 years, have 2 wonderful children and had a job which I enjoyed (most of the time) - why do I need counselling? But it was a light bulb moment, still anxious but feel I understand why more now.
Juju, you are right I think, so long as children have a role model they will thrive, either negatively so don't break the cycle of abuse, hatred, crime etc... or positively and have a reasonably successful and happy adulthood.
I do wish I had a good mother as I would love to discuss the menopause with her - sadly a loving mother-in-law's experience doesn't count!! My M-i-L had last period at 47 and that was it for her! I am 57 and been suffering mood swings, hot flushes, meno-brain (?) for nearly 3 years now, with no let up :'(
Babyjane, I hope things aren't too painful for you right now?
Poppi x
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Hello poppi, I think perhaps we are long lost siblings after all. I was also physically abused but more so mentally and emotionally.
I had 12 months psychotherapy last year, privately as the NHS could only offer 6 weeks CBT which I had, but was totally inadequate. I suffered chronic anxiety all my life but it came to a head 3 Christmasses ago when I had an panic attack when stuck in a huge traffic jam and then an emotional breakdown. I stuck it out a year and then asked the GP for help.
I am a work in progress now as I could no longer afford the therapy, but it has given me good tools to work with and I am fortunate in that my husband is supportive and is happy for me to chew his ear off when something is bothering me. 2 out of my 3 adult children are also supportive. the other one tries but doesn't 'get it' and tries to jolly me along which doesn't work.
When I have the support I am happier to try and move along, if I am bullied I go to ground.
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Yes you have to do the 'work' yourself, hopefully with caring people walking alongside, rather than someone trying to 'fix' you or pushing you in a direction you don't want to go or not ready for?
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Yes, the "work" needs to be done and positive, loving and caring people are worth their weight in gold. I find I instinctly respond very badly to bullies and/or narcisstic people who remind me of my toxic mother. I wish I didn't behave badly like this but I can't help it. My sister-in-law could have been my mother's daughter and I find it very hard to let her and her bullying opinions wash over me. Any ideas how to cope? I know that I'm the only one hurting by imagining awful scenes but cant help it.
Poppi x
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It's difficult to avoid family members, but where I can, I walk.
I have got to that place where I have taken on that I do not deserve any kind of abuse, bullying or disrespect. I know it is never about me; it is about the bully, the abuser, the other person. If they were in a good place, they would never, ever dream of treating me badly. This is a firm basis to operate. I have shut down disrespectful treatment by saying, "I wish you well, but I'm not prepared to continue this conversation, while you are disrespectful."
I think knowing that other people's behaviour is no reflection on you, really boosts your confidence in dealing with people.
I would love to try this attitude on my BIL, but am unlikely to have the opportunity. He was unpleasant from the start and as I had low self esteem, I didn't stand up for myself. DHs family trod carefully around him. For several years he hasn't come here and will only email DH, as heaven forbid, I might answer the phone! Still, DH has listed him under Nob in the phone book! ;D We have come to the conclusion that he is ill and feel some compassion.....well I try to. He has missed out on friendship with DH, me, our children and has never met the grandchildren.
Yes, be compassionate towards people who are abusive, unkind, intolerant, judgemental. They are even harsher towards themselves. They live in a dark place.
Have you ever heard of a lady called Byron Katie? She has written some books. You can have a go at doing what is known as 'The Work', which could help you change the way you think. Have a look on Amazon and see what you think.