Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: jedigirl on October 01, 2015, 02:37:36 PM
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I have noticed more and more recently that I obsess and worry about everything much more than i used too. I'm not just talking health wise but about my children, work and problem that comes up seems insurmountable. Since becoming peri I've had some nasty bouts of anxiety but this is more like over thinking and obsessing.
We found out a few months ago that my teenage daughter is cutting her arms with the stress from school. I can't relax at all , always wondering when she will do it again and if she'll go too far. Also she is in the process of splitting with her boyfriend of 15 months (they're having a break) and I am ridiculously upset about it. He had become a big part of our family, came on holiday with us, joined us for days out etc and I feel so upset. My eldest boy has finished his A levels and seems to have no direction in his life. Work feels like such an effort, shopping, cooking all seems like wading through treacle. My mind races constantly then i feel exhausted and want to sleep.
I don't know what the answer is, does anyone else feel like this??
jedigirl
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Sometimes.
Your daughter needs support outside of the family. This can become really serious and triggered by lack of control and stress.
Your son has been busy with 'A' Levels, give him some slack! I still don't know what I want to do with my Life other than marry someone who loves me ;) - but I did sh/typing course, which took me places I would never have considered.
If your son is home more perhaps, now that he is leaning towards adult-hood, ask how he would like to help around the home ;)
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hi CLKD
We're waiting for a CAMHS referral for my daughter but it takes a while.
Son is helping around house with the garden and makes a meal for us coming in from work on a Friday but it is all with alot of asking, he'd happily sit in his room all day.
I just feel I haven't the energy to deal with family issues never mind a stressful job. I want to hide under my duvet ::)
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Hope your daughter gets the help she needs soon. I'm really not surprised you are stressed about that, I know I would be as its not something you can control.
Is there any help available at school.
As for your son. If he is not going onto further education, what is he going to do. If you are out at work and he is at home then he should be doing a heck of a lot more than one meal a week. If you are funding him then unless he pulls his weight....
When my son was unemployed he did a lot around the house and he was 24 at the time. It was his contribution.
Honeybun
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Maybe your son doesn't like to offer help because you've always done stuff. So sit down and suggest what he sees as his contribution, maybe he can do his own laundry/ironing once a week? Putting out the Council bins? There may be things he *will* do so putting the suggestion to him as part of his living at home, regardless of whether he is paying rent/ not. After all, when he has a place of his own he can live as he likes: however ;)
Point out that you are feeling less than well right now. That you have 'gone through' the 'A' Level hype even if he was unaware and that you now need some assistance. 1 meal a week is a start ;)
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I sympathise. Not same kind of family stress, but last 2 years or so have made me quite anxious. Health worries with daughter's partner & their youngest daughter. They live 400 miles away, which added to the stress. We couldn't help them as readily as we could have if they'd been nearer.
I ended up getting tablets from doctor & had CBT to help deal with it. We worry about our kids, no matter their age. Mine are 30 & nearly 35 & I worry.
Exams are so stressful for youngsters these days, so much pressure is put on them. Teenage romances can cause all sorts of problems too. Be there for her, shoulder to cry on, whatever it takes. I'm sure you are already.
Some career advice might help your son, although don't remember it being much use to me. Our son didn't appear to have any idea when he left school. However, we were on holiday & phoned home to see if all was OK. Turned out he'd gone along to an open day at local college & signed up to do a mechanical engineering course. He got a job after college in marine design & has been there ever since.
My mind races, especially thinking of "what if" scenarios. Part of my make up, or so hubby tells me. Some days are an effort for whatever reason. I don't go to work though, which helps. How some ladies manage work at this stage of our lives, I don't know. If I was still working I'd be a wreck.
Sorry that probably isn't much help. But at least you know you're not alone.
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HB,
He says he will apply for jobs, it's taken two months for him to do his CV. I leave him a list of things to do each day which he does, ironing etc. He's such a home bird though, very quiet.
Am very worried about daughter and seeking what help we can.
Thanks xxx
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Thanks all,
Your right Cubagirl work is a struggle, though I'm more distracted there.
I'm trying to suggest things to eldest son and he nods and says its a good idea then nothing changes.
I'm at a loss as to why i feel so upset about my daughters split, have seen it coming. We all got on so well with the boyfriend I feel like I'm grieving for him and miss him . Daughter seems as if head is all over about it.
I just can't string a sensible thought together :'(
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Is the split part of the problem for your daughter or did the boyfriend know too much about what she was doing with regards to the self harming.
Change is hard at this time of our lives, I for one just want everything calm and don't cope well if things start going wrong.
Could your sons dad have a word about work or training of some kind. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be for him.
It's difficult for youngsters to see a way to make a living sometimes, but if you stop some of his money then that might be an incentive.
You need to step back for just an hour or so and have some time for you and your sanity. Even if it's a walk or yoga, just anything to give you some relaxation.
Honeybun
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Hi Jedigirl...I sympathise with your feelings of your daughters ex, same thing happened to me and I grieved a while, but my daughter wasn't happy in the relationship. She has since met and married a wonderful man and has a family. It's hard, but we have to trust that things do work out for the better. With regards to how your feeling try to get some ME time, even if it's just lying on the bed doing some deep breathing for half an hour. That's what I'm doing at the moment as I'm suffering bad anxiety. It helps get things into perspective and calms you down. Take care...Big hug!
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Honeybun
no, the split isn't the problem, her self doubt is the problem, hence she cuts and isn't sure of her relationships any more
Thanks orchid x
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Is DD aware of your feelings about missing the soon to be ex ?
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No, am letting them sort or not sort without my input. Think it's for the best x
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thanks Sparkle
jg
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Sparkle
How is your daughter now can i ask? I feel so desperate today, I barely slept am burning up with anxiety, which was edgy anyway with this ruddy peri.
My daughter cut again on Weds but we just found out last night. I am so cross with her too. She cut herself then messaged her boyfriend about it in case he noticed, (they do gym together) but they are having a break from each other. She can't have it both ways.
I can't believe the girl she has become, she was always so sunny. I feel so angry that she can't see how its affecting so many people, then feel guilty that i feel that way when im supposed to support her. I am in such a state I rang in sick today, i just can't face anyone. I booked a gp appointment for later for myself. I need help to get through this with my sanity.
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Really hope that the GP can help. Anyone would be very stressed in this situation, meno or mot.
Can I ask how old your daughter is. She has obviously closed down with regards to how it's making you feel. Can you push the GP to get her counselling or perhaps consider going privately.
Such an awful situation that you are in.
:hug:
Honeyb
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Hi honeybun,
She's 15,. We are waiting for a referral to CAMHS. It takes 6-8 weeks for an appointment though. Before this we tried some private counselling but it hasn't helped, she didn't really like the counsellor. I can't believe how bad i feel that she is finished with her boyfriend too. They were so sweet together, always giggling and dancing, made me very happy to see them. He was always here and i feel like I've lost a son almost. I know this is because I'm seeing everything through an anxious state but I'm so sad.
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15 is a difficult age, neither child nor adult, but somewhere in between. My girl turned into a bit of a monster to be honest....but at nearly 21 now she has changed entirely and I'm sure yours will too.
The hard part is getting through now, but hold onto the fact that she will mature and you WILL get your girl back.
As for the boyfriend, I'm afraid that was always going to happen. There are very few that have only the one. I miss my kids childhood friends that were around and under my feet for years. But things evolve and change as your children get older. There will be other boyfriends to get used to along the way.
Has she got any close girlfriends. Try to keep her busy and occupied if you can.
Hopefully your GP will be of some help today.
Let us know.
Honeybun
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Thank you Honeybun,
I hope so, I miss my funny sweet girl. Everyone always comments on her happy nature and big smile.
I always knew they would split one day, i'm shocked I'm so upset. I think it may be because they were one of the few happy things around during the past year while i was so ill with peri. Don't get me wrong, my two sons are lovely but the eldest is always in his room and the youngest is happier with his dad geocaching. They also got on well with boyfriend and that pulled us all together to play cards etc at times.
Yes she has a lovely circle of friends who she has known since primary. She feels alienated from them at times as they are all getting better results so she feels she doesn't fit in. The cutting stems from this as well as feeling intimidated at school. She is busy, she does 14 hours of gymnastics every week and we always plan one day out a weekend. To be honest I'd like to hide this weekend.
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sending hugs from another anxious Mum, and mine is 24 ::)
I have to say though at 15 she was awful, and if memory serves so was I. Afraid I have no experience with self harming, but I do know my SIL got a very quick referral to the mental health team by the family mentioning the 'S' word. From my experience with mental health (not for me, but daughter and SIL) you need to keep at them for results, they are of course over stretched but if you feel things need addressing more urgently you need to keep returning. Can also move higher up list after a visit to A&E though be prepared for the 9 hour wait there.
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Thank you SadLynda
The referral has only just gone in this week so am not holding my breath for an appointment. Don't want to do the A&E thing, she gets upset if i even mention hospitals.
I might see if the school can help to move things along quicker.
x
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I just had another book recommended to me on the FB anxiety group. Its Called 'from panic to power' by Lucinda Bassett. Good Reviews, I have just ordered a copy so will see if it helps me or my daughter.
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My daughter also had friend problems and was a very unhappy girl for a while. It's very common at this age. My daughter fell in with a crowd that really didn't give a damn....she followed suit for a while until she failed a load of exams. That was the wake up call.....she pulled her socks up, but in the process lost her group of pals. It was a very lonely time for her. Groups of girls can be an absolute nightmare.
Her brother was a godsend. He took her out and about, sports and cafes and eventually to the pub ::)
She is now in her honours year at uni and has a lovely group of friends.
Can your son help.....sometimes they relate better to someone nearer their own age. If he could just take her out and do something with her.....it might help a little bit if she could talk to him.
Honeybun
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I have noticed more and more recently that I obsess and worry about everything much more than i used too. I'm not just talking health wise but about my children, work and problem that comes up seems insurmountable. Since becoming peri I've had some nasty bouts of anxiety but this is more like over thinking and obsessing.
We found out a few months ago that my teenage daughter is cutting her arms with the stress from school. I can't relax at all , always wondering when she will do it again and if she'll go too far. Also she is in the process of splitting with her boyfriend of 15 months (they're having a break) and I am ridiculously upset about it. He had become a big part of our family, came on holiday with us, joined us for days out etc and I feel so upset. My eldest boy has finished his A levels and seems to have no direction in his life. Work feels like such an effort, shopping, cooking all seems like wading through treacle. My mind races constantly then i feel exhausted and want to sleep.
I don't know what the answer is, does anyone else feel like this??
jedigirl
Hi Jedigirl
I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such difficulties at the moment.
I am so sorry to hear your daughter is cutting her arms.
I've always bitten mine when I get angry, as take my anger out on myself, and it has got worse after peri.
I remember the anxiety hitting me and it's never been the same since.
The best thing that you can do for your daughter is to just be with her and allow her to cry.
I remember getting a whalloping across the head from my Dad at 8yrs old because I bit my arm in a temper. From then on, I would always hide any marks on my arm from them, it was easier when I left home, as I sometimes punch my face and give me bruises, so I would just make excuses why I could not visit my parents until the bruising went down.
When I lived with them, I would bruise my head where it was hidden by hair.
They don't know that i still self harm but my Dad died last year, so he will never know.
My parents came from the era where phrases like "Straighten your face" "Stop moaning/whinging" were how upset children were dealt with.
My self harm definitely increased in peri, and I used to wake up with a hot and sweaty upper body, wet neck, etc, and I used to wake up suddenly with butterflies in my stomach, it would feel like I was on a roller coaster, and a feeling of dread.
Everything seems a problem, but I was doing CBT at the time which helped, because I could sort out, what really was a problem, from the things that weren't, ie, I was viewing them incorrectly, in a negative light, or the problem could be sorted.
The CBT helped lessen the obsessive things.
I was always prone to obsessing and fixating, as I have suspected ADHD, just waiting for a psychiatrist to confirm the diagnosis.
My hrt helped a lot with anxiety, and the only anxiety that I have left remaining are the personal problems that I cannot do anything about, and thinking about them results my thoughts going round in circles.
CBT helped me to feel that it was ok, not to think about these problems, unless some new factor came along in life, which changed the problem and warranted a re-think.
Your young son may be tired after his A-levels, and I know you are not specifically asking for advice, but if I was 18, and directionless, like I was back then, I would try to spend as much time as I could in doing something that I enjoyed, because when you are young, you can concentrate on your talents and become good at them, and happy in the work that you do.
When I was 18, just earning money was my goal, so I got a series of unsuitable jobs.
The important thing about work, is to enjoy what you do, not money, because it's easy to get stuck in a job that pays, but to be bored and miserable and feel trapped.
I would have gone to art college, if I was 18, as I enjoyed and was good at it, and would probably have a career in it.
Terence McKenna said if you don't have a plan, you become part of someone else's and this is what happened to me.
I only realised my art talent decades later, I knew I was ok at it, but an artist ex-boyfriend, plus the right tutor at art night school, and a book by Betty Edwards brought out my talent.
So, ask your boy what he enjoys, if it's football, let him play football and best of luck.
I find housework difficult and overwhelming. I have some unsolvable problems with my flat and housework does feel exhausting so I only do bits at a time. I try not to have clutter, do little bits at a time, and don't refuse offer of help from your kids, or maybe give them a little wage if they can help round the house.
It took me a while to get the right hrt.
The first time I went, and returned after it not working, my doctor was very curt and brusque about it, so I increased the dose to femoston sequi 2/10 and for a whole year, becauase I was so downhearted with it all, I did nothing, as I couldnt face battling the doctors to get what I wanted.
I had got IBS from peri, and the tablets were just going straight through me.
One GP didn't want to give me patches as I have migraine auras.
I started on evorel 50 and utrogestan, on a private prescription.
I obtained some emails from Dr Currie to explain that I could have what I wanted, and only one of the GP's would read the emails, and she continued me on evorel 50.
After trying three months on it, I went back, as I was still anxious, depressed, flushing, but the IBS was a little bit better.
After another three month trial on 75, which was a little better, the nice GP was happy to prescribe me evorel 100, and things are a lot better.
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Thank you all for such lovely replies and advice. Today has been awful, just the worst.
Yesterday I went to the doctors who doubled my citalopram to 20mg and gave me a few sleeping tablets. The sleeping tablet knocked me out straight away but i still woke every two hours with surges of panic. I had to tell my 76 year old Mum what was going on as couldn't hide my upset any more after months of it. She has been amazing but i worry she'll be upset when she's at home thinking about it.
Today feel utterly drained and cried most of the day, trying to hide it from my daughter. Shes talked to her boyfriend today and they've finished, agreeing to be friends. Both were relieved in the end that they were feeling the same way.
It's taken me till now to pull round a little though I'm still quivering and trying to get food down. I feel as though some kind of shock has taken over my body. I wonder if the upset has knocked my hormones again as feel similar to last year when i was having adrenaline surges. I changed to Sanrena gel instaed of Eastrogel a month ago on the advice on my meno clinic but it seems to stay sticky for ages and am wondering if its absorbing enough.
Dandelion I'm so sorry you're going through this, thank you for sharing that. I also obsess and fixate about things. I like to have a handle on what's going on and don't like change. I'm finding out all this at the age of 45! Peri doesn't help, it seems to make all your emotions techni colour. I was almost hysterical sobbing this morning, i feared for my sanity. Maybe i need that.
Am going easy on eldest at the moment. He is doing a month Princes Trust course at college in January and is aiming for that, with some voluntary work in the school I work in. I will talk to him about his sister again, they are close but avoid talking about anything deep!
Sparkle and Honeybun, glad to hear your daughters are doing well, gives me hope.
Love to all ,jg x
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Thanks sparkle,
She seems fine about the split though she is good at hiding her true emotions.
Yes told her head of year and form tutor. She's had two counselling sessions from head of year who claims to have some training but they seem to have stopped except he caught her in the corridor and said "positive thoughts today, yes?" if only it were that easy. Idiot.
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Oh that's very helpful....Not. Honestly what good does that do.
It's such a worrying time for you, but hopefully with the right help things can get back on track.
Honeyb
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I found www.youngminds really helpful. They have a good parent section.
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I am more concerned about your upset that the couple have split. That isn't healthy. This is her Life, although you will be sad your 'job' at her age is to support ……… and your feelings about the split seem to be in the way! Although it is nice for the family when everyone is happy and smiley, this doesn't happen all the while. Your coping skills and reactions should not hinge on how your childrens' lives are running. You have to stand back - hard when they are hurting but you need to be supportive. You won't be hiding your feelings however much you think you might, because kids know ::)
As for being angry when your DD cuts - what will that achieve? Who are you angry at exactly? Did your GP suggest counselling as well as upping your medication? He should be able to suggest self help groups too. If not have a look at MIND Charity? If DD goes where other teens are having similar problems it may well give her the realisation that this too will pass.
I was dumped at the age of 13 by the boy I had known since the age of 9 - he broke my heart :'(. We have been in contact over the years and remained close once I got over the shock which took years - then I met DH :-* and 'fell' in love ;). When my Dad told me that 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' I remember saying "I don't want any other fish" …. I could take U to the exact spot we had that exchange of advice ::). I have been hurt by friends since ……. and now close up, I don't give as much to people nor do I expect to 'take'. It took many years to let go of being needy.
'positive thoughts today' …… I echo 'helpful - not'! Positivity doesn't enter into it, I would be finding out exactly what 'training' they have had!!! No one should be counselling others unless they have been counselled themselves and then taken specific 'courses'. Being a teacher isn't the same ::). I worked for Psychologists by the way who weren't much help to me 'cos they hadn't been in my situation >:( …….. therefore couldn't feel my emotional needs.
How are you this morning?
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CLKD
You are right, my reaction to the split was extreme and I realised that. I think I allowed myself to get too close to him and his family, they became frienda, especially his Mum and we talked about some quite personal things and put the worlds to right.
Am not feeling like that so much today, now i know they are both happy. I am feeling very anxious but not with her, this feels like the sheer panic i get with hormones.
I certainly think something is happening with my hormones as I am bleeding today when I shouldn't be but my mind feels clearer. Had a change in my HRT and something is not suiting. Also have a pain in my left side which I've had before so am wondering if I have a cyst.
I think the anger comes from being fearful what will happen if she doesn't stop. I realise it's not helpful and I haven't shown her anger, we've talked openly about everything. I am supporting her and told her how proud of her we are that she's handling things the best she can for now. It's not always easy to say the right thing in the heat of the moment and this is on top of me feeling hormonally crap anyway.
GP told us that when she goes to CAMHS there are family support workers as well as whatever my daughter needs.
Thanks all x
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Peterspots
Thank you for the link, it looks like a useful site. I will look at it with my daughter later xx
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Is DD aware of your hormonal fluctuations? It might make her open up if she knows that you, too are having problems. I know I thought my parents never had problems ::) i.e. hormones, hot flushes, crashing fatigue - I knew they were angry at each other [I know why now] - but Dad would shut himself away to avoid flak and Mum gave the impression that children should be seen but not heard ::)
Maybe share?
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She does know about my problems. Last year I was really quite ill with it all and lost alot of weight. I was talking to her today and she said she realised I was struggling with it again. She's actually very empathetic, she feels things a little too deeply, like her Mother sadly! In fact she understands more than my hubby at times as she just started her periods this year and had felt pretty awful with it at times.
PS what is DD?! i guess it's something to do with daughter!
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Dear Daughter ;)
DH - Dear Husband
OH - other half
DS - Dear Son etc. etc. etc………… of course sometimes one needs to not include the 'dear' bit ::)
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Ah Thanks CLKD, is their a secret code somewhere or am I just not very quick on the uptake?!
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Secret Code - you have to have been here a while ;D
TMI - is too much information - but that never applies here ;)
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I have to say I have faced many things but my DD self harming literally broke my heart. My body has fallen apart this year. A coincidence. I have never felt something so deeply. As with all things she will recover & time helps. It has helped us discuss things but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is very common & I wish I had recognised the signs. I love her with all my heart but the bullying runs deep. I wish your daughter well. Our children our lucky to have people who love them to help them through dark times & to let them know to never feel ashamed x
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Why do you think you should have 'read the signs'. We have ways of coping that we don't share so teens tend to self harm without anyone knowing. Don't beat yourself up! This is her choice during a difficult time - though I have never understood how cutting can ease tension. I do understand how throwing things or giving a door a Very Good Kick helps though ::) ……..
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Peter spots, sending a big hug. It's certainly a terrifying thing to experience. I feel sick look at the red lines across her beautiful skin. She never feels she is good enough, despite having family and friends who adore her, being a talented gymnast (double British champion) and loves animals so much she wants to work with them. Sadly her school seems to have given her the impression that unless she gets a load of A* in her GCSEs she won't achieve much. That's going to take alot of undoing and am wishing the year away till she can leave. Good luck to you and yr daughter xxx
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Could your daughter go and work somewhere animal related at weekends, i.e. have a chat with the local Vet Surgery, Pet Shop, farm food suppliers to get an idea as to what openings there may be? Even in 1969 when I wrote to the Zoos asking what I would need to become a Keeper it would have been 'A' Levels :'( ……..
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She's looking into a course at a nearby college in animal care diploma, fab college with small animal unit and farm. She's also fostering two hedgehogs from a rescue centre. All the places I have contacted said she was too young at 15.
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She's headed in the 'right' direction.
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I agree. Tony Blair put his oar in when he suggested every one should go to Uni., what parents didn't realise was that it was to keep un-employment figures low! :bang: It should be pointed out to your Young People that they can get suitable qualifications at any time, i.e. as Mature Students or via the OU!
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Dandelion, so good to hear you're feeling better on the right regime now, what a battle you've had.
Your post made a lot of sense too, thank you. I totally agree with doing something you enjoy if you can. That's great you finally had the chance to develop your artistic talent.
S x
Thanks Sparkle, there was a time when I thought I was going to give up on the hrt, as I thought, maybe it doesn't work for all women, but I am glad I perservered. I wouldn't be without my patches now, although the doctor wants me off them eventually, I don't see why I should have to be off them.
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Thank you all
I have contacted the Special Needs Co Ordinator at her school to see if she can offer anything. Also got some Kalms on advice of pharmacist and Rescue Remedy pastilles to keep in her blazer. I want to help my girl as much as I can , even if it just gets her to her CAMHS appointments, just wish I felt stronger myself but DH(get me CLKD!) is amazingly strong in all this. I always thought i was the solid one but not now.
Incidentally went to GPs myself today and changed back to Oestrogel from Sandrena, am convinced the Sandrena isn't absorbing. My pyjamas were sticking to the gel hours after I applied it :-\ Am hoping that helps with the anxiety too.
Hugs JG
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Really don't know what my daughter will do when she leaves uni. It was what she wanted to do with no pressure from us. My son is one of the few that I know that actually uses his degree but his was very specific....computing.....he is now a software engineer ....so it can be worth while.
My daughter is talking about teaching....I suspect it's because she doesn't want to leave education quite yet.
I agree that there is too much emphasis on exam results but some kids go to, and enjoy university, and it can be easier to get some jobs if you have a degree.
It's what suits the individual.
What happened to the good old apprenticeship..
Honeybun
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Bit different up here sparkle.....they don't pay tuition fees, which makes a huge difference. There is still the loan though but that is tiny compared to English students.
My DD is a wonderful artist and applied to Glasgow School of Art. Basically unless she was an overseas student she didn't stand even a little chance. They take 10% British students and the rest are not from this country....all down to money.
She is now doing primarily a business degree with a bit of fashion thrown in. It's quite specific so how getting a job will go....who knows. Hence the teaching thought. She is still very young and will only be 21 when she graduates.
Jobs up here for young ones without qualifications are thin on the ground.
She asked me if she could take a gap year....umm....nope ;D
It's finding what they are interested in whether it's straight out of school or not.
I think there should be a lot more courses for kids that are not particularly academic. They have a huge amount to offer......even to be a nurse these days you need a degree....now that's wrong in my opinion.
Honeybun
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I agree there is a place for everyone. What frustrates me is that schools don't tell the kids that. There is little encouragement or information towards careers in trades, apprenticeships, sports, or celebrating individual talents.
It's little wonder some kids feel they don't fit in.
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At 62 I still don't know what I would like to do ::) ……….. I wasn't clever enough to be a Vet., became a Sh/typist which took me places I never thought I would go; then I went self-employed as a typist followed by dog walking …….. Would I change anything on that journey: don't think that I would.
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Yep! Didn't want to work in a shop as I can't add up or take away ;D
There are Apprenticeships in England Honeybun ;)