Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: groundhog on September 20, 2014, 10:14:33 PM
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Hi ladies. I'm cross and need to moan again :(
Normal day. Took mother to town which is a challenge owing to wheelchair and her mental state - not her fault. My husband resents the situation I am in. I resent the fact he works as many hours as he can and comes home exhausted to avoid my situation. We have agreed to support each other through this time as seems waste to throw away 34 years of marriage. Tonight I feel furious. We got back from town around 530 - my mother had been ok ish but it's not easy - dropped him off to watch rugby on tv ( normal ) I went to mothers and did chores - cleaning, washing, hoovering blah blah, came home. Rugby had been cancelled. Scroll forward 5 hours. We have had nice meal some wine. He decides to have a go - why didn't I come home til 7 and he pinged out he only came to town as a favour to me. It's all to do with intimacy. Or lack of it. He can be very shallow at times but is a good man. Sex has taken a back seat because of meno and other stuff and he resents that too. He admits he doesn't want to be involved with looking after my mother which makes me sad and I am already feeling very depressed. I don't feel supported. I have supported him through many things in our time together, I feel like leaving. Perhaps it would just be easier to move in with. My mother but he says he will make my life hell.
Any advice ladies.
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Oh what a horrible situation, for most it would be easy to say leave him and get on with your life, but you have been together a long time, on the other hand he can't make threats to you of making your life hell, it sounds a bit selfish of him when your dealing with meno and your poor mum, he should be giving you words of comfort making you feel worthy instead of worthless you never asked for all this, you can't let him do that to you, wish I could say do this do that but you don't need any more grief. Keep venting on here and hopefully someone will reply with a suggestion that makes you think yes that's what I'll do, keep strong
X
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Yes, deep breath and count to ten.
He wants you and not your mother. My hubby is exactly the same. We came to an arrangement a long time ago. My time with my mother and then my time with him. I rarely take him anywhere near. It's my problem and not his. I let off steam on the forum but not much to him. He is retired, has not got great health and the kids are mostly independent. This is our time that we have together.
Talk to him. Explain what you have to do and when. Then decide what will be the time you spend together.
No mother or sisters children or daughter or daughters housework.
Do you really want to stay with your mother 24/7.
He is angry and will say things he didn't mean to get a reaction from you.
Try and fix things so you give enough attention to your marriage.
You only walk this way once.
My Saturday is always with hubby, can't yours be to.
Sorry if all that sounds harsh but I think you need to sort your time out better and let others take the strain of your mum just sometimes.
Honeyb
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I agree with honeybun you may need to get couple time, things can get in the way, not that I'm saying your mum is in the way but you may need to rebuild your relationship, he probably feels the closeness has gone a bit and if you find time for him say a Saturday then he won't bother what you do rest of time, talk it through with him and I'm sure you'll come to some arrangement.
Thinking of you
X
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Dinnie - thank you for reply. I know he wouldn't make my life hell - I'm sure he would be gutted. He is not nasty in any way but is very set in his ways and life has taken a different direction that he doesn't like.
HB - hi - I know you can relate to my problems. My mother does put strain but it think it's how I deal with it that's the bigger problem, I can't get used to an irrational mother. I try so hard to make her life bearable - she is only 75 - the day before the brain haemorrhage she was working, driving and completely independent. Now she can barely walk, can't even make a cup of tea yet thinks she is 40 and will get better. Too much to explain on here x for example - I buy her food from marks as I want her to have nice meals - I leave notes for carers as to meal suggestions linked to what is in the fridge - she dismisses suggestions and carer makes her whatever she wants. She had a go at me today as the chicken I had bought from marks had gone in the bin as it was out of date so I was wasting money. Yes it made me cross as no one else give a toss what she eats! Bad mood started. I need to take hubby with me as mother has put on loads of weight and I can't manage wheelchair - I have chrons and multiple surgeries so I'm not strong. There is so much more I could say but it's not fair as we all have problems .
Thank you for posting. I know my husband wants me to himself he doesn't want to share me but I'm just not sure I want him anymore. It would be easier to move in with mother but yes I would hate it but I am not making him happy and I'm not happy so what's the point.
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Thanks Dinnie - sorry to hear you lost your parents when they were so young, life is so cruel. My situation is complex - my mother refused to take blood pressure meds for Many years plus she smoked so was an accident waiting to happen. I used to plead with her but she took no notice and said it was responsibility to look after her if something happened. Then massive brain haemorrhage, coupled with me losing job through my own health issues and my sister ( much younger ) having twins!!! It's been a roller coaster and I want to get off now please.
Thanks for reply, it helps to talk. My husband is a good man and I know he loves me but he can be such a pain at times lol. I will hope things will be different in the morning xxx
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Hi groundhog
You have a tough situation. You clearly need more help with your mother. I am outraged on your behalf that she has manipulated you into compromising your life and marriage when she wasn't prepared to even attempt to look after her own health. I think your husband is typical of many men as they get older - self centred.
So many of us have to cope with terribly stressful times through our 50s and 60s.
My husband is a very tolerant, lovely man in many ways but I'm afraid I do view him as a dependant who needs a lot of pastoral and practical support!!! I have always said I have 3 children - two I gave birth to and one I married. Don't get me the wrong - I adore him but I accept he needs 'managing'. He is still working - though because of the type of work he does is it sporadic - sometimes I have him home all the time and sometimes he is away for weeks on end - this has many challenges and I do feel I make a lot of compromises. This makes finances very sporadic as well which can be very stressful at times. I think men get more and more child like and needy as they get older - they engage in very passive aggressive behaviour & need their egos massaged more as their confidence is knocked so easily. I also have a son with Semantic/Pragmatic disorder (problems with language and communication) but he is easier to deal with than my husband though he does need quite a bit of support on many levels.
My older sister (I think I've told you about her Crohns and many other health issues) often needs me to take her to the hospital for her numerous appointments. My mother is 86, in reasonably good health but is highly manipulative. Since I moved to Suffolk near my brother we have persuaded my mother to move here to so now my brother (who is retired) is taking much of the strain of looking after her - even though he has health issues as well!!!. My mother simply gets bored - she finds it highly annoying that I still have to work as she wants us all to be taking her out to have fun all the time!!!!
I actually feel very resentful that our parents generation generally feel it is their right that we should give up our lives to looks after them - I would certainly not want my children to put their lives and future on hold for me.
groundhog - you have your own horrible health issues to deal with and you must, must, must put yourself first - you won't be any good to anybody if you don't. You are clearly a practical lady spreading yourself very thin and your husband needs to wake up and realise he won't have you at all if he doesn't start giving you the moral support you need -
sorry !!! A bit of a rant there!!!
You take care. :hug: DG xxxxxx
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Hi DG and thanks for your reply. I too feel very annoyed she never looked after herself despite several warnings. I've never admitted this before as I felt I was being selfish as no one knew she would have had brain haemorrhage because if it. Her BP was regularly 240/120 and above so coupled with smoking and the love of gin - car crash waiting to happen ( I'm making her sound horrific here! She wasn't but she did smoke and she liked a tipple). I used to think to myself she is going to have a stroke and then who will have to step up? Sounds harsh I know but my old mother was grumpy and difficult - I can't ever remember a kind word to me. Even yesterday in the car she was saying she wanted to buy my daughter a coat and then added she would have to get one for Louise too ( my sister). My husband says - you have two daughters mind to which she replies ' oh she doesn't want anything ' ( referring to me ). She can be so hurtful and I know there is some brain damage but she has always been hurtful towards me.
My husband is fed up and I think I will have to try and put some rules into how we are handling this. My sister in her way is better than me with her as she doesn't get affected by what she says so she has agreed to take her out once a week. Like your mother DG - my mother waits for me to phone to take her somewhere - if I don't phone she stays in bed. If I let slip I have been somewhere without taking her I will get a cutting remark. I need to change - but I seem to stuck in a hole I'm finding it hard.
My husband has for up this morning as if nothing happened last night. All forgotton. Maybe I should just lighten up and stop being so intense. But there are lots of difficulties right now as is common with so many people. I can see you too have many commitments and I do question why am I like this? Why am I so resentful and hateful of things at the moment.
This forum is great for me and I am sorry I use you all as a sounding board. It makes me realise though I am not alone and this is how life is in our 50s and 60s. I need to make some changes to help me cope with it all. I don't think Saturday shopping with mother and hubby will be happening again.
Thanks all and have a good day :) xxx
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Sorry to hear of your predicament. I have come to the conclusion that caring is a completely thankless task with no rewards . If you are not doing it for you because you have a moral obligation- i.e.couldn't live with yourself if you didn't (like me) then leave her to it. If you are doing it for you then you find the strength to deal with it. I don't have the husband experience but IMHO husbands are supposed to be an advantage and yours just sounds like a further burden so it might be time to think where you are going personally. Let him know and see if he steps up to the mark. Sorry I am in cynical mood as you can tell.
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I actually feel very resentful that our parents generation generally feel it is their right that we should give up our lives to looks after them - I would certainly not want my children to put their lives and future on hold for me.
So true DG. My mum even went so far as telling me the only reason she had kids was so she had someone to take care of her in old age! Hurt to the core & made me resent her more than ever. This of course was when she was in her 70s, in her 60s she didn't want to be a burden.
I agree with others make a day for you & hubby. Maybe only one day, but will give you some breathing space from the intensity with your mum.
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I agree with all that has been said especially " I think men get more and more child like and needy as they get older " it could not apply more to me at this moment, three days ago my family had a devastating sudden bereavement and yet as usual I continued worrying about OH, when I so desperately needed support from him. He is OK now, IBS problems, but a little baby of six weeks has gone, my great grand son.
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:hug: SL - we have a new grandchild of 4 weeks - i know my son and wife would be devatastated in such circumstances - why is life so cruel to some ?
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silverlady - so, so sorry about the loss of your great grand son - a terrible tragedy. :hug:
DG xxxxxxxxx
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:hug: SL devastating.
Groundhog, hope you manage to find a compromise soon.
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So sorry to have hijacked this thread, I know we all love our OHs as groundhog and dancinggirl have said, its just that sometimes, we run out of caring mode and need to be refuelled.
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How sad SL, I'm really sorry. :hug:
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Silverlady - that is sad. How about copying and pasting into a new thread?
I cannot understand how married women do NOT PUT their husbands/partners FIRST :bang: :bang: :bang: I married my husband, NOT his family. He married me, NOT mine. We come 1st with each other. Late M in L told me before I married him that she always called her husband by his Christian name, because has her husband - he was never "Dad" but always ..... ........ the boys of course called them Mum and Dad. She sat down at 9.00 p.m. after chores and caring each day and if they wanted anything they had to get it themselves. Because she wanted time with her husband after working all day. "He will be here once the boys have left and I don't want us to be strangers to each other".
She didn't want to go into a 'home' situation but push came to shove and she had no choice. Same when my Dad grew older, infirm and Mum was unable to lift.
We were going Down Under when we 1st married, but DH got a good job in the UK so it wasn't a necessary step. Had we gone, had we stayed, then 'they' would have to get on with 'it'. Would you chase around the UK to please others if it put your marriage at risk? but as re my post of earlier this week, it is not something we are prepared to do. They don't chase around for us!!!!
Your husband GH is probably inwardly fuming and suddenly it has erupted. Parents know when to push buttons and he can probably, like my DH, can see an issue waiting to happen >:(. Why not go out to a Pub away from the area, have a good listen to what he has to say. After all, he may drop dead tomorrow and how would you feel then?
"Let no man put asunder" ...........
modified to make my post clearer ……..
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I will do.
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You see things in very black and white terms CLKD and in my experience there are many shades of grey.
It's just not possible for some of us to step away and not concern ourselves with family members.
No one knows better than me what a thankless task it can be but I know it's the right thing to do and most people feel the same way. The difficult thing is finding a balance where everyone is reasonably happy and to be able to find time for yourself and your husband.
Women in general put children first and the father does the same.
I could not live with myself if I totally turned my back on my mother. I have to help and that's it.
Not many can refuse a request for help from a family member and not have their conscience bother them.
Women are great at multi tasking and when we have to look after husbands and children and elderly parents we generally find a way to keep all the balls in the air.
Honeyb
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At a cost >:( ............ if you were happy with the situation :-X . I would rarely do anything to upset my husband, the 1 person who has seen me through thick and thin when family members were saying otherwise. :'( ........... as it is, anything nasty that I have said to him or done/not haunts me to this day and I can't alter those issues, I can however put him 1st .......... (let no man put asunder)!
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When my mother passes away I will look back on these years with a clear conscience that I always did my best.
My hubby will support me in the choices that I make.
We have come through a lot together, loosing a child for one. We don't put each other first at all times because there are other people who need us. But we make time for each other.
Hubby is retired so there are plenty hours in the day to be with each other.
What happens CLKD when just one of you are left because it comes to us all. Would you not need support from a family member.
Honeyb
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Oh SL, I am so so sorry. To lose a child at any age is devastating at any age and I don't want to imagine life without my beautiful GS. My heart goes out to you, and your family. I'm glad your OH is better; IBS as a reaction to grief? It can hit when you need to be strong. :hug:
GH, this forum does help. You get support and just putting it down in words can be therapeutic in itself.
Years back, my hubbie found my mum very difficult to deal with when I got so upset about how she treated me and I felt very resentful towards her. He would absent himself and still can only cope with small doses.It's easier for those around to see the way more clearly than you do yourself. I actually felt hate as well as love and felt I was a terrible person to not want her in my life. She had a stroke 20 years ago and her behaviour towards me worsened and an incident happened that made me see things more clearly. I retreated for I few months. If I wanted her in my life, I had to be clear what I wanted, what I was prepared to do and what I could cope with. I didn't ever discuss this with her, but I conducted myself differently and I have been treated with more respect and with love, particularly since the death of my sister. There are no expectations of me doing more than I can manage, which sometimes is just a phone call. My hubbie now treats her kindly and with humour, which I think she likes, but leaves her a bit bewildered at times!
Can I suggest you think about what you want, maybe sound your husband out for what he thinks is reasonable. You can still help your mum, but you can set boundaries. I know I didn't discuss anything with my mum, but I think it would help to be firm in your case. I have found that bullies (that's what your mum is) back down when you are firm. Tell her you want to support her, but you are no longer prepared to be treated with such disrespect, that your own health is suffering as is your marriage. Tell her what you are prepared to do. Do not negotiate and remember you are only a victim if you sign up to be one. Love Ju Juxx
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CLKD "Would you chase around the UK to please others if it put your marriage at risk? I know Taz did so .......... but as re my post of earlier this week, it is not something we are prepared to do. They don't chase around for us!!!!"
Can you clarify this statement about me please?
Taz
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Juju - Wise words from you. I have had to back off from my mother at certain times when she was being particularly unreasonable and she is now a lot more respectful. It doesn't stop her goading and sniping in a spiteful way at times but I am far more detached these days. I just feel terribly sad that I feel this way about my mother. DG x
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Me too DG.
I would like a mum sometimes but she is not capable anymore. My hubby bless him fills the gap in my life. Don't know what I would do without his support. He listens and then cheers me up.
When I'm at mum's and its all getting a bit much I text him and he makes me laugh which helps no end.
Honeyb
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Sorry Taz badly worded. I remember that you visited your parents often to help their situation ….. and had to leave your family 'back home' at the time ……. my words seem disrespectful but were not meant to be.
Nope - in answer to a former query - I would never seek help from family. Once bitten ….. 'one can only allow another person to hurt you by staying around'. I refuse to be 'let down' again. I would rather not ask. My Mother is aware of this and my sister and I rarely communicate. Any other family members have their own set/s of problem/s so I wouldn't impose mine. There is no-one that stepped forwards when required in 1990/2000 so I would never ask.
I agree with Ju Ju ……… I also think that getting our partners/husbands 'on side' makes a big difference to how each person deals with the on-going situations. None of our family members are 'easy' ……. and I get the snide remarks as it has been obvious that Mother prefers my sister ……
Life is often not black and white - often because people don't put their foot down with a firm hand, often problems are due to lack of communication - in this house it's because I think I've told DH the 'whole' story but haven't let all of my thoughts out of my head ……..
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What has helped me is knowing now that I am not the cause of mums problems. She had a difficult childhood herself as many of her generation did. With help I was able to look at my own childhood, understand without blame. I think I have (almost) forgiven her and am grateful I have done so while she is alive. And hopefully I have not passed on certain issues onto my children, though no doubt, I have made mistakes all of my very own! Both my children have an easy, comfortable relationship with me. I get bossed by them in a loving way and I love it! They know they are respected and loved unconditionally.
I think we have the advantage these days of knowing what goes on outside of our families thanks to TV etc and can use that awareness to change things. I do still switch to the way I used to react to situations, but I have an intercepting voice that says, ' it's ok!' Mum used to expect immediate action following a demand, which I did with quiet resentment. Now when my husband asks me to do something, I still automatically revert to that mind set initially, so my hubbie will remind me that' I'm not your mum! Do it in your own time.' I can tell him how I feel these days, but that is because he is very wise and has experienced hard times.
The more you get to know people, the more realise everyone has problems. If we approve of ourselves, it is so much easier.
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What I have realised in recent years is that parents had a Life before the kids arrived! and their experiences continued in our house-hold after we were born. So any bad habits/histrionics etc. didn't alter. Many nights my sister and I would sit at the top of the stairs listening to them arguing - in hindsight the arguments were always the same: would start quietly with angry muttering, crescendo into shouting and always the same wording :-\ ……… but I did feel that their rows were my 'fault' :'(.
It is only in the last 5 years that I can see how habits formed during Mum's teens continued until now - and meeting with people who knew her before I did (just) or who watched her habits whilst I was growing up has helped enormously so that now I know it was history, not my fault.
Talk. Talk. Talk - none of us are mind readers (as DH often reminds me ;) ) so we must stop assuming …….
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Yep! And men and women think differently. A huge generalisation is that men like to fix and women just want to be heard! I was told that what others thought is none of my business; it's not personal. If someone thinks badly of me it is because they are reacting to their baggage and again if they think well of me they are reacting to good experience. I was asked what there was not to love about me. I hold onto that. When I feel low I remember I am loveable. Nor is it my job to 'fix' other people, just love them. ( not so easy unless you are at peace with yourself.) I'm a work in progress. ::)
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I was loved and spoiled a bit as a child. I was controlled as a teenager and young adult.
I was and still am a people pleaser. I try not to be but it's very hard.
I had a strange relationship with my mother as my dad died when I was 19. She cancelled out and I was in charge of household stuff which she happily passed over and just concerned herself with managing other areas of my life. Difficult to go out when you are 20 leaving someone crying that they are lonely. Hard times.
I still do what I need to do along with my sister.
I still ask the question. CLKD. What would you do if you were left alone. I would turn to my family....sister....for help and support.
No man is an island and I maintain that at some point in our lives we reach out to others for help.
Honeyb
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That's a good question for everyone. We all need a support system. But sometimes that support comes from unexpected quarters. It may not be family.
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My father died when I was 7, leaving my mum to look after me & my 16 year old brother. My mum went into shock & was already menopausal.
My brother was my rock, not my mum. She was out of touch with reality. We all need someone.
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Family relationships can be so difficult. After my Father died Mum became very demanding of me and as an only child I felt I had to do all I could to support her. She had never liked my DH, as he was in the RAF and so we never lived close and she had no idea about service life and the demands it makes. She wouldn't move closer to us once we settled after leaving the RAF and I used to spend one week in four staying with her. This involved a three hour train journey each time. DH was very understanding about being left on his own and only worried about the toll it was taking on me. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and had to have 9months of chemo I just couldn't keep up the visits. Mum seemed only concerned about how this was affecting her and I confess to feeling resentful of her attitude. Unfortunately she had a massive stroke from which she never recovered just as I was finishing my treatment so she never knew I had beaten the cancer. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this and not feel guilty that I hastened her death. My comfort though is in knowing I did all I could for her when I was able, I certainly couldn't live with myself if I hadn't done so. I'm with Honeybun on this one-family matters whatever it takes. Sorry for the ramble but I feel we must do what we can for each other and be at peace with ourselves.
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My Mum 'gave us wings with which to fly' ........ apparently ::).
I am at peace. Usually. No one has the right to hurt me and because family have done so then they are out of my eye-line. I engage out of duty. I have friends who did/would step in if necessary. I have a good GP, a lovely Dental surgeon, the Practice Nurse is supportive.
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Well thank you ladies for all your replies. It has given me some comfort knowing I am certainly not alone and I need to get the balance right. I could never turn my back on my mother -yes she was a frosty and cold at times but she was never cruel or anything like that. In fact I too was quite spoilt and probably over protected as a child. It's wheni got older that any show of affection seemed to stop. My husband and I havebeen together a longtime - he isn't perfect and I most certainly aren't. I have often felt I was never enough for him - as I have had chrons since 24 a my goalposts were lowered whereas he is always looking for new things.
But having read your posts I realise I need to change a few things. T be honest whenmy mother had the haemorrhage she wasn't expected to survive so we had a short term plan - we now need a long term coping strategy.
Thanks all again xxx
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Let us know how you get on! These similar current threads have made DH and I talk about 'what if' ::) .......... and 'what when' .......
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And did you come to any conclusions CLKD
Honeyb
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Of course ;D :whist:
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I take it it won't include asking from any help from family members. Guess you really can't anyway.
I can't even contemplate not having a member of my family help if and when. I have asked before.....hubbies heart attack, hubby nearly dying when he first had diabetes. Asked and the troops rolled in to support me......and I am still so grateful.
My kids are a lot older now so my son would be there for who ever needed help.
Honeyb
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We live miles away from family anyway. By the time they got here we would be at the Hospital. 2 cousins live 40 mins away but I would never think about them in an emergency as we are rarely in touch. Neighbours are more reliable, much friendlier and useful on a day-2-day basis once the crisis is under control …….. been there, done all that …… 1 did our ironing, 1 walked the dog, another fed the rabbits/cats/goldfish - they got on with it, whereas family tend to stand around waiting for instructions ::)
Also when I was seriously ill I couldn't deal with family emotions: friends/neighbours stepped in as necessary whereas family would have phaffed >:(
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Really good that you have reliable neighbours who will help you out.
It's great if then you can return the favour.
My closest neighbour is also a friend and if push came to shove I might ask but I doubt it.
I will keep an eye on the house if they are on holiday but they have their family and I have mine so we keep things casual.
Honeyb
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Re families.
My parents split up in 1969, before it was usual, I was 11.
Mum left me and brother with dad, we upset her new man.
I knew nothing about cleaning so we lived in squalor, I could cook though.
Wasn't what you call a supportive environment.
I Left home at 16, didn't see family at all after 18.
They rarely tried to contact me, so I severed all contact after I turned 40.
What passed for logic is that they weren't there for me when I needed them.
However, OH's parents were lovely and helpful, I supported them in any way I could.
Strange things families.
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Andy ??? on the 1 Show last night said "Families are people you can have a row with. You'd hardly have a row with strangers" ::)