Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: groundhog on July 24, 2014, 09:32:08 PM
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Can I have a moan please ladies, or a cry or both.
I feel like I can't win and don't know how or what to do. Those of you who have read my posts will know my family situation is difficult. I'm the eldest daughter and my mother is very disabled following brain haemorrhage, she has carers but relies on me a lot. Also my sister has 2 beautiful children who I adore but they are hard work and she also relies on me. My day started with early phone call from mothers carer saying I had bought the wrong cornflakes :( that winds me up as I have to do all her chores with no thanks . I had the chikdren from 1oclock, took them to a party, back to mothers, made them food they then they went to beach. Took mothers dog to vet and got a telling off cos of the state of her ( fleas and bad eyes) - a family member has adopted her since mother went ill. I didn't go to beach as I felt exhausted so my husband offered - this heat is killing me and I have problems with my Ileostomy as my skin is too hot. My sister was due back at 830 from work, I took chikdren home who were very very tired, no sign of her - she phoned at 950 to say she on her way, she had text me but my phone was in my house so I didn't get it. Hubby went mental as she was late and now no one speaking. This happens quite often. She will now blank me and threaten to put boys into crèche full time which she can't afford. Sometimes I feel I can't cope, I know you will say don't do it but I don't mind but I do hate being taken for granted and getting nothing back ever. The menopause is not helping as I overreact get anxious and worry about everything.
Anyone got any words of wisdom. I can't talk to my sister - she seems oblivious to my health problems - all my mother talks about is my poor sister.
Feel like running away tonight.
My no wine in the week plan has failed :(
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Oh Groundhog, have a cry if it makes you feel better, just don't do it into your wine glass, dilutes it and I somehow think you need a stiff drink.
Stop feeling bad for helping everyone, I think you need to think of yourself and your husband first and foremost. From having read some of your previous posts you have difficulty saying no which means peoples expectations /demands of you will keep increasing.
Please take a step back for your own healths sake.
:bighug:x
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:hug:
You sound hot and tired. You do take on a lot and it may well affect your own health. Could you not let your sister put her kids in a creche or kids club for a few hours a week to give you some time on your own. The government pay a good proportion of it with tax credit. There are church clubs that kids can go to that cost nothing.
I think you have enough on your plate with your mother without taking on someone else's kids no matter how much you love them.
Does your sister know how you feel. I would take her out for coffee and actually tell her. If you write doormat on your forehead then people have a nasty habit of.... :-\
I have had to stand my ground with my sister who is good a delegating things in my direction. I just say no. I have enough hassle with my mother without my sister jumping in.
Please reconsider just how much you do for others.
Ever asked yourself the question of who does something for you.
Honeyb
x
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Thanks both of your replies.
I do have difficulty saying no because I don't really mean no - just when I say yes I like to set boundaries I suppose. So if I agree to have the children from a set time then stick to it because I will have worked my day around that. I sound so tedious I know.
HB - yes I am very hot and very tired. Last week in Barcelona was a killer and I have come home to bedlam - well not really bedlam but loads to do at mothers. She was ok but all the chores stack up. And now this. I probably overreacted - I suppose I feel a little used and so when ppl push the boundaries I don't like it. I phoned hubby at 9 to say I wouldn't be home as planned and he goes mad!!! As he is resentful of our situation. I feel bad now though - I feel like the selfish one. I think social media and texting has a lot to answer for as ppl do not communicate face to face any more - causes crossed wires.
You are right - ppl don't really do much for me as I never ask unless I was desperate because I don't like to inconvenience people.
Thanks ladies, needed to vent :) xxxxx
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:hug:groundhog
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:hug:
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:bighug:
I know that when I don't take good care of myself, then the exhaustion and all that goes with it, is overwhelming. I find it difficult to make good decisions. I can't think clearly and then I want to take on all the world's problems.
Taking care of other people starts with taking care of you. With love, Ju Juxx
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:big hug: I think you know what you need to do!
Let your sister put her children into creche …… call her bluff! You can then take them out and about at your convenience so that you have 'treat' time with them. They may benefit from the creche situation too. Are you in a position to pay part of the week for them? though I wouldn't even be tempted: she had the children she should take responsibility!
What was your response to 'the wrong cornflakes'? I can never think of a suitable retort at the time >:( ::) but it would run through my head for a long while after! My temptation would be to tell Mother that there are starving kids who would relish the 'wrong' cornflakes ………. but of course, I understand how, when I fancy something, if it isn't what I expected ::) ……….. I would also tell the carers that I never want to have that type of early morning 'phone call, that phone calls should be for emergencies only! and that wasn't such a situation.
Did you put the children to bed that evening when their mother was later than expected? I don't think conversation is required, have a talk with DH and decide together exactly what to tell your sister. He married you, not the rest of your family ;).
As for the hot weather it makes patches etc. difficult and uncomfortable so time to take some time for U! Unless you step back none of the family will realise what you have to contend with.
What have you decided to do in the interim?
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Groundhog - You sound to be doing way too much.
You say your sister will blank you - Result.
Then perhaps you will stop running around after her and her children, read that last bit again, HER children.
You aren't well, your mother is taking a lot of your time and effort, also you need to look after yourself and your husband.
Please be kind to yourself :hug:
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Thanks all for your replies.
You are right of course CLKD and I do need to talk to her but I honestly don't think she sees any problem and I always end up sounding like a moaning old sow!! From now on I will spell things out more clearly and try and make her understand that I have a life too. I think because I have been unwell all my adult life ( and actually am better now than in the past ) she thinks I'm fine. Maybe it's a generational thing too - she is 13 years younger than me. Plus I tend to over think everything and plan things out whereas she just goes with the flow. I think as I have said before I am depressed and take things to heart. I am on Prozac - 5 weeks now but can't say there is any vast improvement, I personally think it's hormone related but that's another story!
Ju Ju - yes I know - yesterday was very vry busy - infact the last 8 days have been nonstop and this heat - wow - wears me out. I am lying on the bed ATM eating a lolli! I feel calm.
Limpy - You say your sister will blank you - Result - lol - that made me laugh. I know that's how it should be but because of my state of mind I end up thinking it's all my fault!!!!
Cubagirl and Dyan - thanks for the hugs :)
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CLKD - cornflake phone call - yes that did annoy me. ( mind you what annoys me more is when my mother phones at 8 or earlier to ask if my sister is working!!!). I went away last week and I think one of her sisters bought the wrong cornflakes -shock horror. I did explain to the carer that I am doing my best and I will endeavour to get kellogs next time ;) :cuss: infact what I am doing now is bulk buying to avoid running out of stuff. She is a really awkward eater as all she used to eat was cooked dinners!! She now reluctantly eats M&S dinners plus chicken breasts new pots - all from marks so she eats well.
I have left a note for carers that I don't mind phone calls but please ......not about cornflakes and definately not early morning. :hotflash:
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I agree with CLKD. Let your sister put the kids in a crèche, and if she can't afford it then that's her problem not yours. She isn't worrying about you so why should you worry about her problems.
LM x
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I am nearly 14 years younger than my sister. At some points in my life it was like having two mum's ::).
She would not take the amount of advantage taking from me that you do from your sister.
As much as you love her kids they are hers not yours. If you keep on like this you will make yourself ill.
If you draw back just a bit then she will cope. We all like to think of ourselves as indispensable......few of us actually are. I think you would find if you for instance broke your leg then your sister would put care plans into place for her kids.
You need a life of your own with your hubby.
I used to be a bit of a martyr......and I think you are too.
No more for me. I do what I have agreed and no more unless there is illness or an emergency.
It's not perfect but better than it was.
Honeyb
x
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Well done Honeybun. The more we learn to say 'no' the easier it really does become ;)
Groundhog: I know that you love your sister's children and you have invested a lot of emotional energy with them but it's time to show your husband that you love him. How would you feel if he said 'enough' and walked away?
Also - are you caring for the children in order to 'keep in' with your sister, is there a kind of hold that you haven't yet become aware of? My sister can wind me up easily - she's younger - but I was the 1 who got into real trouble as she would turn on the 'charm'. I knew this but Mum denied it "I treated you both the same" even though we both knew differently.
18 months ago I visited a close friend of my parents and she told me what I already knew - that my sister would wind me up until I was the child - eldest of them all by 5 years - that got the rap, "You should know better you are the oldest" …….. :-\ I did try to be friends with my sister but have had to walk away …….. and after Dad died I could see even more why my Mum sided with my sister :'( :-X
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Oh I don't know CLKD - we did talk about her being late and she had text me but I didn't see it. I think deep down I feel trapped by circumstances so the slightest thing then and I go off on one. Plus this meno madness doesn't help!
Thanks for all your comments ladies - it really helps on those days when you just want to scream!!!
I know what you are saying HB- I think it's the children that make it so hard so walk away. Plus sometimes I know I should just chill out and stop taking everything to heart. But I am being treated for depression and sometimes I am so flat I can't cope with anything.
Thanks again - hVe a good week xxx
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No excuse. Explain that before mobiles/text facilities time meant time! Goodness me! when my parents told me I had to be 'in' that was it, otherwise I was grounded (only we didn't call it that then ::) ). Explain to your sister that you are fed up with taking advantage of. That by changing her plans yours are altered and that impacts on your time with your husband.
Time you began putting him first. Otherwise ........... I'm telling you this because a friend was in a similar position, his wife spent hours with her family, less time in the family 'home' .......... he ended up caring for the 3 children, pets, school runs so eventually he walked, taking them all with him. She felt that her step-father required her time and that her husband would be 'happy' taking over the household ....... :'(
So - take care of you ;). Once you have put your foot down with a firm hand your depression will seem easier to deal with too!
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Don't worry about what people think about you. They don't very often.
Take care of your husband. When everyone is grown up and gone, what will you have left. I'm not kidding. People often resent givers and often you are only as good as your last good deed -- for them.
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Thanks Trey! I remember my late M in L telling me very early on that she put her husband first. She never neglected her children but they would fly the nest and she didn't want her and him to be strangers. There was a hierachy and it worked!
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I know. But my husband can be a pain too lol!! No seriously he is a good kind man and I know he feels left out ATM. I do think of the time the children are grown up - will they think of me - probably not and I don't mean that in a nasty way but they won't. So maybe the balance is scewed.
Thanks again everyone - it helps a lot to speak to you albeit through cyber world xxxx
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Writing it down can help see it more clearly ;)
Have a chat with DH - what would he like you to do at this moment in time? He may mutter away but what does he really think?
Step straight away from your sister's problem and see what happens. It won't hurt the children to go into a creche, after all they will before long be headed for 'real' school!