Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Beatrixx on April 02, 2024, 12:21:41 PM
-
Hi All
Thank you so much for accepting my request to join. I've used forum for advice, for quite a while now, to help me get through the worst of my peri-menopause and especially when I started HRT. I had most dreadful experience with my first patches, Evorel Sequi, and this forum helped me through that.
I decided to join because there was an incident at work which has upset me greatly. After typing this, I don't what I'm asking for. Perhaps support, perhaps to get it off my chest.
After 6 months of heavy bleeding on Sequi, I saw a new doctor who agreed that Sequi was wrong for me and prescribed Conti. Conti been great except I get these vertigo attacks, which are now starting to ease off. I also get these funny turns just before a bleed starts, which are very hard to describe. I suppose I'm pre-menstrual, just forgotten what it's like ;D
The vertigo attacks were having a negative impact on my mood and my ability to focus. I decided to be honest with my team at work (I'm the team manager) by explaining that I was going through the menopause and about my vertigo, especially after I had one particularly bad attack at work. I explain that it was only temporarily and I was certain that the symptoms would soon pass. It seemed well received, no-one complained and working life happily carried on.
Fast forward to now, I'm hearing rumours that I am struggling to do my job because of the menopause. My director mentioned this in passing. My line manager and our director know I'm going through the peri-menopause but I've not asked for any special arrangements and I've not told them about the vertigo.
HR have received a complaint about me from someone in my team who I have been having problems with. We had a mediation session last week during which she read out a statement saying my menopause disclosure was only to control the team and that I should not be allowed to use my menopause symptoms as an excuse. She said it was insulting to all in the team because we are all the same age and are all going through the menopause. We're not the same age, at 55 I'm 15 to 30 years older than the rest of the team. She's in her mid-30s but that's not to say she isn't going through the peri-menopause. She said I was not worthy to be in the same space or breathe the same air as my team. Everyone at the company hates me. The mediator said nothing and let her continue with her character assassination of me.
I left meeting upset and am currently off work with stress. I did speak to HR but they can't do anything as all what was discussed in the mediation session is confidential. For that reason, I didn't disclose what was exactly said.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I've rarely leave the house and when I do, I find it difficult to be around other people. I feel like I've lost everyone's support and it's my fault. When my peri-menopause started 10 years, I didn't know what was going on with me; I was experiencing anxiety and these unexplainable rages and irritability. My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression and said my physical symptoms were due to age. It wasn't until the recent exposure menopause has had in the media, that I realised that my health issues were related to the menopause. I took affirmative action by asking for HRT and by looking at the menopause policy at work - I had struggled with previous jobs and I wanted to change that. I thought I was finally turning my life around but I've simply dug a bigger hole for myself. I don't want to be this person anymore.
------------
We have a list of resources on our Menopause at Work page:
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/menopause_at_work.php
-
Is there a Union in your Company? What has been muted is appalling and I would be calling a meeting with all concerned: bugga confidentiality.
Companies are being advised to have a menopause protocol, is your Line Manager and the Director not aware? It certainly is not your fault, however I found years ago that people in certain positions - usually above secretarial - are more interested in how they keep their own jobs so have to chivvy the work force along and be blind to any issues: whether it's health wide or simply over-loading others in order to be seen to be 'doing'. There, that's a rant!
It's The Change - does what it says on the tin! MayB keeping a mood/food/symptom diary may be of use, is there a Nurse Practitioner at your Surgery? There is a dedicated meno GP but they don't advertise in mine :-\
U have a right to put those rumours to rest, no one should 'mention in passing' : that is out of order !! : asking your work Team exactly what problems 'they' are having with your recent disclosure. If there is a problem, then you are quite approachable [as long as there isn't a Y in the day ;-) ]. U cannot be sacked due to menopause though many women do think 'bugga them', I'll do what I want to for a change. There is of course a legal protocol in all Companies who employ over a certain number of people so it may be worth asking or looking on-line.
Perhaps whilst at home make a note of incoming and outgoings to see where you are financially. That will take some of the stress off should U decide to leave.
I had similar issues when I was told that I was unable to have a pay rise 'because some1 has complained about your work' :-\ :'(. 35 years ago, DH and I decided recently that I should have taken the Company to Court for whatever the word might be :-\. What ever, it almost cost our marriage.
Let us know how you get on. Legal advice first I think ..... finding some1 who is au fait with employment laws. :foryou:
-
Thank you CLKD & jaypo, it is so nice to know that I'm not alone.
I've just finished a meeting with HR and my line manager. The HR person was very understanding and helped me raise a grievance in a way which doesn't breach confidentially. I'm not going to let madam (as I like to call her) get away with this.
I did contact the union but I've only been in this job for 2 months and my union membership only started two weeks ago. My issues with this person started before I joined the union.
Perhaps whilst at home make a note of incoming and outgoings to see where you are financially. That will take some of the stress off should U decide to leave.
This made me laugh, because this is exactly how I spent my Easter weekend. I looked to see if I could retire early - I can on one pension but I wouldn't get enough to survive on until my other pension reaches my agreed retirement age. Plus I looked at what outgoings I could cut. Just have to win the lottery, I suppose ;D
Again thank you so much for your kind words. I will let know what happens.
-
This isn't your fault. Some women have few symptoms, most of us are on this forum because we've had a hard time so we do understand what it's like. I think you're right to fight it, she can't get away with you driving you out of your job. Sorry I'm no help with job advice either but I think they can't discriminate because of meno symptoms? Can you discuss the issues with your line manager? Perhaps they can offer some insights (and particularly if this woman is a sh*t stirrer). Is the previous team leader still around?
-
This is awful, so sorry you're going through such a horrible time. The union should help and so should HR if they're worth their salt. It's not your fault and you shouldn't be treated like this.
Sending :bighug:
-
This isn't your fault. Some women have few symptoms, most of us are on this forum because we've had a hard time so we do understand what it's like. I think you're right to fight it, she can't get away with you driving you out of your job. Sorry I'm no help with job advice either but I think they can't discriminate because of meno symptoms? Can you discuss the issues with your line manager? Perhaps they can offer some insights (and particularly if this woman is a sh*t stirrer). Is the previous team leader still around?
Just looked it up. Menopause isn't a protected characteristic in its own right, but OP would be covered under sex and age discrimination, both of which are! I did think they were bringing new employment legislation in though, protecting women in menopause but seems like it hasn't happened yet.
-
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but heartened to read you were able to raise a grievance with HR. Was this about the statement during the mediation session? It sounds absolutely awful and (even though I know you couldn't relay exactly what was said) I can't believe this person was allowed to read a statement out like that. How is that even mediation, I mean what on earth were you meant to say in response? But I am glad you are getting support and I totally agree with others that you shouldn't be pushed out of your job. Menopause can knock your confidence enough as it is, without things like that being allowed to happen. It never fails to shock me how women can tear each other down rather than support each other. You're doing the right thing standing up to her!
-
Has she been pushed side-ways so that you have been employed? MayB she has a grudge way beyond your menopause.
Do U feel supported? You'll see that we are a mine of information about mostly everything:including menopause ;)
-
Has she been pushed side-ways so that you have been employed? MayB she has a grudge way beyond your menopause.
Do U feel supported? You'll see that we are a mine of information about mostly everything:including menopause ;)
She applied for my job and didn't get it. She does have a grudge, but it shouldn't with me. She trying her darn best to ensure I look incompetent therefore the wrong hire. Disclosing my menopause woes gave her the ammunition she needed.
I do feel supported, thank you. This forum is great, you are all great :)
-
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but heartened to read you were able to raise a grievance with HR. Was this about the statement during the mediation session? It sounds absolutely awful and (even though I know you couldn't relay exactly what was said) I can't believe this person was allowed to read a statement out like that. How is that even mediation, I mean what on earth were you meant to say in response? But I am glad you are getting support and I totally agree with others that you shouldn't be pushed out of your job. Menopause can knock your confidence enough as it is, without things like that being allowed to happen. It never fails to shock me how women can tear each other down rather than support each other. You're doing the right thing standing up to her!
Thank you. It was about the statement made during the mediation session. I couldn't use her exact words but what I can do is say she made unfounded claims against me which have caused me distress and ruined my reputation. She then be forced to bring her claims to the open and have to justify them. I've done nothing wrong, I didn't choose to go through the menopause. Gosh, I wish it was a choice!!
-
She clearly has a grudge against you, as you got the job and she didn't. It is obvious to us and it should be to HR too, they should be backing you! and it is her who should be worried for her job, as it sounds like she has been gunning for you. She sounds a real nasty piece of work. Take good care of and look after yourself. Let us know how you get on? x
-
That’s shocking. The attitude to menopause at work is still really bad. My boss (a man) got invited to a menopause video training course and thought it was hilarious and joked about it in front of me with another male colleague who was also invited.
Your experience sounds complex but your opening up about the menopause has been used against you which is bloody awful! I wonder if you can get a free half hour with an employment lawyer?
-
How awful is that!
I don't really know what to say, apart from they'll soon think back to this if the menopause badly effects them or a close family member/friend!
You say you've heard rumours you're struggling to do your job - are you? If you're not, the management will see that.
See if you can get some free legal advice. Some solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation and some insurance policies offer it too I believe.
There's also the below link.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/legal-advice/
-
Pearl; Jules - this attitude seems to be across the Board! No one can be made redundant if the job remains 'live'. That's a case for un-fair dismissal.
Hopefully your feel supported at work Beatrixx? Employment Law might be the way to go whilst U take a break, CAB used to give good advice but don't know if they still exist and meno-brain here can't remember what 'cab' stands for :-\
-
Pearl; Jules - this attitude seems to be across the Board! No one can be made redundant if the job remains 'live'. That's a case for un-fair dismissal.
Hopefully your feel supported at work Beatrixx? Employment Law might be the way to go whilst U take a break, CAB used to give good advice but don't know if they still exist and meno-brain here can't remember what 'cab' stands for :-\
Citizens Advice Bureau :)
-
“Menopause and work” is very sensitive subject, I went myself through it a year ago. I didn’t talk about menopause to my team, I know that even not every medical profession can understand how meno symptoms can be severe and effect your life, some GPs have very limited knowledge of it, so I didn’t expect my team would understand such things. I contacted HR and asked to put me in touch with someone who can help me, so they did. Of course because of foggy brain and low concentration ability I had to give up job, which I did before, I asked the company to move me to job which doesn’t require high concentration, I also had my hours cut and adjusted to my needs. Unfortunately when you feel too ill to work you need to lower your expectations and try to adjust everything in your life to your body needs. Nobody in my team knows my diagnosis, they only know I have disability, they don’t ask me about that and I never talk to them about that. I think it should be kept privately and I only talk to HR and a person who is responsible for disability matters at work.
This is just my experience, but I believe a lot of depends on company rules of course, how they can deal with it.
-
However: menopause is not a disability ............ any more than pregnancy is. There's an article in today's Telegraph stating that in the work place 1 must not say that a pregnant woman is hormonal ! As if any1 would :-X
Tnx Dazedandconfused :D
-
We have a list of resources on our Menopause at Work page:
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/menopause_at_work.php
-
:thankyou:
-
However: menopause is not a disability ......
menopause symptoms have a long term and substantial impact on a woman’s ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities, these symptoms could be considered a disability. If menopause symptoms amount to a disability, an employer will be under a legal obligation to make reasonable adjustments.
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/guidance/menopause-workplace-guidance-employers#:~:text=If%20menopause%20symptoms%20have%20a,obligation%20to%20make%20reasonable%20adjustments.
-
That doesn't mean that menopause itself is a disability. Any illness may contribute to problems in the work place.
-
That doesn't mean that menopause itself is a disability. Any illness may contribute to problems in the work place.
When the symptoms are too severe and affect every day life and ability to work employers take them under disability act, and you are entitled to work adjustment. Without that some of us can’t continue employment.
-
:thankyou:
-
Thanks everyone for your advice. I went back to work today, hence the delay in my acknowledgment.
The grievance is now official, HR sent an individual emails to all concerned to say formal investigations have started. I feel guilty but I don't know why.
Menopause and work” is very sensitive subject, I went myself through it a year ago. I didn’t talk about menopause to my team, I know that even not every medical profession can understand how meno symptoms can be severe and effect your life, some GPs have very limited knowledge of it, so I didn’t expect my team would understand such things. I contacted HR and asked to put me in touch with someone who can help me, so they did. Of course because of foggy brain and low concentration ability I had to give up job, which I did before, I asked the company to move me to job which doesn’t require high concentration, I also had my hours cut and adjusted to my needs. Unfortunately when you feel too ill to work you need to lower your expectations and try to adjust everything in your life to your body needs. Nobody in my team knows my diagnosis, they only know I have disability, they don’t ask me about that and I never talk to them about that. I think it should be kept privately and I only talk to HR and a person who is responsible for disability matters at work.
I decided to disclose only that I was going through the menopause, and about my vertigo attacks, I didn't go into too much detail about any other symptoms. To me, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I felt to hide it would only cause trouble and speculation. You know, I think I would be in same position if I didn't say anything. She would have found something else to complain about.
-
Don't U feel guilty! Be pleased that your raised concerns have been listened to. The Company may already have 'their eye on ' this person ;-). Get on with learning your job so that you enjoy it. Let us know how you get on!
-
Thanks everyone for your advice. I went back to work today, hence the delay in my acknowledgment.
The grievance is now official, HR sent an individual emails to all concerned to say formal investigations have started. I feel guilty but I don't know why.
Menopause and work” is very sensitive subject, I went myself through it a year ago. I didn’t talk about menopause to my team, I know that even not every medical profession can understand how meno symptoms can be severe and effect your life, some GPs have very limited knowledge of it, so I didn’t expect my team would understand such things. I contacted HR and asked to put me in touch with someone who can help me, so they did. Of course because of foggy brain and low concentration ability I had to give up job, which I did before, I asked the company to move me to job which doesn’t require high concentration, I also had my hours cut and adjusted to my needs. Unfortunately when you feel too ill to work you need to lower your expectations and try to adjust everything in your life to your body needs. Nobody in my team knows my diagnosis, they only know I have disability, they don’t ask me about that and I never talk to them about that. I think it should be kept privately and I only talk to HR and a person who is responsible for disability matters at work.
I decided to disclose only that I was going through the menopause, and about my vertigo attacks, I didn't go into too much detail about any other symptoms. To me, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I felt to hide it would only cause trouble and speculation. You know, I think I would be in same position if I didn't say anything. She would have found something else to complain about.
Well done, and no need to feel guilty. What you've done is brave and empowering!
-
Group :hug:
-
It sounds like this person is very bitter and was probably causing problems before you even took the job, and like you say would have found some way to try to discredit you. At least you are aware of what they are doing, and have been able to raise the problem to the company, so they can take appropriate action.
I am surprised that the mediator didn't step in, and would be inclined to raise a complaint there. You obviously went into the session with the intent to sort out a problem, and whilst their role is to be impartial, what actually happened was a direct personal attack on you, which should have been stopped. Mediation should focus on resolving a problem, and not the people involved.
-
I’ve cringed reading the OPs first post. For a woman to vilify another woman like that is absolutely appalling. What happened to supporting each other? How toxic is she? I’ve never wished anyone any ill-will but may all the symptoms of the menopause rain down on her in Biblical fashion when it’s her time. And to hide behind confidentiality is criminal because I bet the rest of the team don’t feel the same. Make sure you speak to your union - it shouldn’t matter if you’ve only been in it for a couple of weeks. It’s terrible and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Life at our stage is hard enough without having issues like this on top of it. I want to hold her while you punch her which probably isn’t PC but I’m sure you’d feel a bit better….what a dreadful state of affairs!
Have a look at the links below:
https://www.acas.org.uk/menopause-at-work/menopause-and-the-law
https://www.acas.org.uk/menopause-at-work/talking-with-staff-about-the-menopause
Let us know how you get on x
-
Hi All
I have no update. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has replied and offered advice.
@T'oldlass - thank you for the ACAS links, especially 'Talking with Staff'. I thought I was in the wrong for disclosing my menopause with my team but I see now that I was well within my right to do so. I have spoken to the union, they can't do anything for me because my membership started after this situation started. I'm very much on my own.
I was supposed to have a meeting with HR today, however, my anxiety over having to go into work is so bad that I simply can't go in. They've taken all my responsibilities away from me so I am certain I'm going to lose my job. I have a job interview tomorrow plus I have a doctor's appointment to discuss potentially being signed off with stress. So even they do sack me, I'll be fine. Worst comes to worst, I'll take early retirement and find a part-time job.
Truth be told, I've decided I don't want to work for this company anymore. They've handled the situation poorly, they've allowed this woman to bully me out of my position. I can't remember if I disclosed in my original post that she had applied for my job. She's been causing trouble ever since I got the job over her, before I started. They should have put her on a formal warning before she was let loose on me.
A positive! My Evrol conti patches have done wonders to manage my peri-menopause. As predicted the vertigo attacks have stopped and I feel physically great. More importantly, the heavy bleeding has stopped :)
-
Hi All
I have good news! I won my grievance against the my 'problematic colleague'.
They raised a counter grievance against me which included my menopause disclosure - which is what my meeting with HR was about. Because she raised my menopause as part of a formal grievance, HR could now investigate. Both my grievance and her counter grievance were found in my favour. I don't know what is going to happen next but whatever does, I'm safe.
Thank to everyone for your kind words and your words of encouragement. All for the help provided!
-
Well done :medal:
Did U give in your Notice yet?
With your menopause symptoms under some form of control = feeling better U will be in a good position to look around for something that suits you ;-)
-
Well done :medal:
Did U give in your Notice yet?
With your menopause symptoms under some form of control = feeling better U will be in a good position to look around for something that suits you ;-)
Thank you! I haven't given in my notice yet. The doctor signed me off work for a month, which I was using to give me time to think things through. I was going to had my notice in next week but this good news means I can take my time and look for a new job. BUT it looks like my problem person is out the door.
-
Well done, good to hear. Perhaps you could go back for a couple of weeks before making a decision? You may find the atmosphere very different now she's gone and with meno under control the job may not seem so difficult or stressful.
-
at least you have breathing space - will there be celebrations ;-) :cake:
-
Amazing news, well done for raising the grievance and standing your ground! At least now you can take your time in deciding what to do, but as Sheila says it may well be a much nicer place now she's gone! So glad she got called out on her behaviour. It sickens and saddens me the way some women can pull other women down like that.
-
In general I always preferred a male boss to a woman in the large companies where I worked.
-
I agree with Sheila, assuming she's out the door? Maybe go back and see how things are, but keep looking in case something better comes along. I think the company handled things badly but it's a positive outcome as they settled in your favour, and I think that you returning and showing them that you are more than capable of doing the job will show that they made the right decision in the end.
Agree CLKD, I hated working for women, and always preferred to work with men.