Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: EllaAurora on September 12, 2023, 05:13:39 PM
-
Hello ladies,
I haven't been here for a while as I've been quite OK recently and busy getting on with life. But something's been bothering me for some time now... So my question: do you ladies feel like your old self when you've reached a good balance with HRT?
I've been thinking about this a lot as I'm generally feeling better and seem to have finally found the sweet spot with oestrogen, utrogestan and testosterone.. but still feel like something is 'different'. It's difficult to explain but I just feel all the time like slightly off. Not bad, or anxious, but also not like I remember feeling before all the meno craziness happened. It's like I've recovered from the worst hit but still not the same as I was, if that makes sense :-\ Also I find I'm not getting joy from the same things as before. I used to be an outgoing person and loving parties and meeting people. I still go out occasionally but now it feels almost like an obligation and not at all fun as it used to be before.
Can anyone relate? is this what it is now and I should just settle and stop wishing to become the old me? Or maybe my hormonal balance is still not optimal.
Would love to hear what you think & hope everyone is feeling well! xx
-
I definitely feel like ‘me’ again. I have some issues with bleeding, which is being investigated, but on the whole, I don’t feel old any more.
-
I do not feel like my old self. I would say I have more anxiety then I used to and feel much older.
-
No, nothing like my old self.
Couldn’t give a shit about much right now.
-
I definitely feel like ‘me’ again. I have some issues with bleeding, which is being investigated, but on the whole, I don’t feel old any more.
So nice to hear - it's possible to feel that way. Good for you!
Hoping your bleeding issues get sorted as well!
-
I do not feel like my old self. I would say I have more anxiety then I used to and feel much older.
Sounds quite familiar, though I'm less anxious nowadays but have much less tolerance for stress and getting tired sooo easily :o
-
No, nothing like my old self.
Couldn’t give a shit about much right now.
So sorry to hear. Just read about your issues from the other thread. Hope you get it sorted soon! Hugs
-
No way am I like I used to be.
I was happy, full of energy, fit, relatively healthy for my age.
Whilst I now seem to be on the right balance of hrt and AD, I think the last couple of years of hormonal Crap has left me shocked at how serious it has been and can be. It has been devastating at times. So because of this I think it has left me a slightly hollower shell of who I was.
In particular for me,being in the pits of such severe moods due to hormonal imbalances has altered me for good.
Atm I feel balanced hormonally, and so I am happier, despite related health problems I am still trying to sort out. I still dread it all going haywire again,and back to how I was a few months ago, because I have had so many ups and downs I can only consider this as a reprieve for now.
I am No longer how I was but trying to be the best I can, as with how I am now.
-
You say you don't feel joy from the same things, do you feel joy from different things? Or just less joy in general? If the former, it may be you've just changed as a person and have different priorities, which is fine. If you're feeling a joy deficit in general, might be a hint everything isn't quite as it should be.
-
No way am I like I used to be.
I was happy, full of energy, fit, relatively healthy for my age.
Whilst I now seem to be on the right balance of hrt and AD, I think the last couple of years of hormonal Crap has left me shocked at how serious it has been and can be. It has been devastating at times. So because of this I think it has left me a slightly hollower shell of who I was.
In particular for me,being in the pits of such severe moods due to hormonal imbalances has altered me for good.
Atm I feel balanced hormonally, and so I am happier, despite related health problems I am still trying to sort out. I still dread it all going haywire again,and back to how I was a few months ago, because I have had so many ups and downs I can only consider this as a reprieve for now.
I am No longer how I was but trying to be the best I can, as with how I am now.
I think it can't be underestimated how traumatic it can be to go through major bodily changes and mood changes and depression and anxiety, and trauma does change you. I too feel scared by how much of a state I ended up in. I'm terrified to be there again and feel vulnerable having to rely on artificial hormones to protect me from it happening again.
-
Wild Otter,
In a strange way I feel happy you understand how I feel,though as I know just how incredibly awful it has been it makes me feel for you to have gone through this too. I have undoubtedly changed because of what I have been through. I just hope that the stability I feel hormonally now stays with me.
But I through all of this I am just trying to accept each day and the person I am. I have been better,but heaven knows I have been so much worse.
I feel tentative most days now.
I wish you well
-
I would tend to agree with SarahT and WildOtter that I feel much better with HRT than without, but the trauma of such a severe and debilitating perimenopause (worst symptoms: depression and anxiety) has definitely changed me as a person. I am definitely able to feel joy, optimism and peace now at appropriate times, but I'll never quite be able to forget what I experienced in that dark place and I'll always worry a bit about going back there. Physically, too, I have to pace myself now in ways I never used to before. I get deeply fatigued sometimes and I also have palpitations which I've been told are 'normal' but definitely unnerving. So...yes...HRT has definitely given me my mental equilibrium back...but the experience of perimenopause itself has left its mark.
-
Personally, no. I don't recognise myself from the old me. I would love to say that I feel great but a never-ending reoccurrence of different symptoms means I no longer have confidence in my body. As a result I have lost confidence and my joie de vivre. One can but hope.
-
I can definitely relate to Wild Otter and Sarah T. I’ve been to hell and back more than once in the last 10 years and I feel that I’ve been left with a sort of PTSD. I’ve been on hrt for nearly 6 years and I’m ok on it, but I live in a constant fear of going back to where I was. xxx
-
I defo don't feel like me again. I feel traumatised by it all and by how bad I felt, and how scared I was when I had health scares around symptoms. I can still be happy and enjoy life a lot of the time these says so hrt and the right anti depressant has definitely help, but I am wayyyyyyy more preoccupied with my health than I reasonably should be. To the point that a new 'symptom' can make or break my day / week until I know what it is and that it isn't something serious/ sinister. I would give anything to feel as I did before all this started but, like others have said, it feels like a form of ptsd. And I am 49 and still in peri, I am truly hoping it gets better not worse. Sorry, this probably wasn't the best day for me to reply to this post.
-
Its a very honest post Penguin.
Your days are much like many of ours. Sometimes we are ok, sometimes we arent. But we're still here supporting each other and that really helps.
a big hug to you today xx
-
Its a very honest post Penguin.
Your days are much like many of ours. Sometimes we are ok, sometimes we arent. But we're still here supporting each other and that really helps.
a big hug to you today xx
Thanks SarahT, hug accepted and returned. And has made me tearful, mayne I need a good cry that usually helps. My work contract will start up again in January hopefully whereas i was hopimg for right after school went back, think I need to get out and do something before then, even if just voluntary work.
-
Reading your posts has made me realise that there are others who are have similar experiences to me. It also gives me to strength to persevere. Peri menopause can definitely pass as my worst life experience. The anxiety and depression hit me so suddenly and the effects have left me traumatised and always in fear of re-experiencing these symptoms. I am now on 75 oestrogen patches and 200 Utrogestan as well as AD. I have good days and bad days but very fearful of the bad days. I will say there is some improvement but nothing near who I used to be. I am hoping that on the right balance of HRT and AD, I will begin to feel me old self.
Well done, ladies because you are all trying to make the best of what menopause has thrown at you.
-
Reading your posts has made me realise that there are others who are have similar experiences to me. It also gives me to strength to persevere. Peri menopause can definitely pass as my worst life experience. The anxiety and depression hit me so suddenly and the effects have left me traumatised and always in fear of re-experiencing these symptoms. I am now on 75 oestrogen patches and 200 Utrogestan as well as AD. I have good days and bad days but very fearful of the bad days. I will say there is some improvement but nothing near who I used to be. I am hoping that on the right balance of HRT and AD, I will begin to feel me old self.
Well done, ladies because you are all trying to make the best of what menopause has thrown at you.
Spot on! Even when I am okay, I am anxious about the anxiety coming back 🤷♂️
-
I was reading all the replies above and feel like I could have just written those myself! I wasn't sure when I started the thread if anyone could relate but sadly, it seems what I'm going through is more common that I thought. PTSD and trauma caused by menopausal symptoms. >:( I, too, feel traumatised by what happened to me and while I've been much better over the past year or so, it's like a dark cloud over me all the time. Will the anxiety return, how will I cope for the second time around, what if it gets even worse... And I'm on constant lookout for even the smallest sign of if all returning. :'( So even if I'm generally feeling better, I'm not feeling like I used to because I'm just so fearful and have lost confidence on my own body and mind. And I find myself limiting my activities a lot simply because of this fear. For instance, I can no longer travel on my own because.. what if it all hits while I'm abroad by myself. I just hate it and feel like I'm not 'me' and its starting to have an impact on my job as well (I'm supposed to travel occasionally but have managed to avoid it this far, not sure how much longer).
I'm 3 years into full perimenopause (vague symptoms started much earlier),... so I guess I'm hoping I'd be on the other side of this soon, but not really sure as I got my period today. (not helping with the mood)
Sending hugs to all, so thankful for this forum :-*
-
I think you can see that many of us can related to your thread Ella, so although we have been in our own forms of hell, even those of us who feel more stable now share your black cloud, the fear that we will go backwards again.
In effect, you starting this thread may have helped some of us in that we can again identify with others, that despite the trauma, the awfulness of it all, we are not alone in this. That provides some comfort and I suspect some relief - I often question myself with the is this just me thoughts, or that I am just not strong enough as a person. In my more stable rational days I know for certain that is not true. But those black days it can be hard to see that.
Take care of yourself x
-
Hi lovely I can totally relate I was so relieved when the HRT helped the really high anxiety I got when menopause started. I never thought it would help but it did, however I have the same feeling of less joy and more worry than I have ever had in my life. Almost as though initially I was grateful for the improvement the HRT gave then when I settled realised that every so often I have that horrible feeling of dread and pending doom. The rest of the time I can feel I am just getting by each week and definitely find it hard to get excited about things holidays nights out etc etc. I’m thinking of discussing different HRT or even something from the GP to support my mental health. Good to know we are not alone but wish it wasn’t this
-
I think you can see that many of us can related to your thread Ella, so although we have been in our own forms of hell, even those of us who feel more stable now share your black cloud, the fear that we will go backwards again.
In effect, you starting this thread may have helped some of us in that we can again identify with others, that despite the trauma, the awfulness of it all, we are not alone in this. That provides some comfort and I suspect some relief - I often question myself with the is this just me thoughts, or that I am just not strong enough as a person. In my more stable rational days I know for certain that is not true. But those black days it can be hard to see that.
Take care of yourself x
Definitely SarahT, it has helped reading this thread today so thank ypu Ella for starting the discussion. I thought I was on my own with the anxiety about getting anxious again feelings, and the whole trauma / ptsd angle that really is terrifying. I literally cannot think about how I felt and behaved some of last year. It definitely is good to talk and I wish I'd joined this group then as I may well have got proper help (in the form of hrt) sooner.
-
Thank you for starting this thread. I too feel like a shell of who I used to be and I am certainly not at my worst right now. I have been scared I was going to have to give up my job several times especially over the last 2 years. Anxiety, brain fog, total loss of confidence, inability to deal with stress which I would used to be able to deal with no problem and debilitating fatigue.
I still don’t have my balance right with HRT yet but I am better than I was for sure. I get freaked out when a really bad day throws me and sets me back that I can’t function properly that I will have to give up my job. It does feel like PTSD but there has also been major loss and grief for me to process over the last years so it’s hard to figure out what’s menopausal and what’s life stress sometimes…
I wish once some sort of stability was found you would know it would last but you never know when the next random symptom will knock you off kilter or you will feel like you are completely losing it.
And I don’t even have it as bad as lots of you do. Nas when I read of the terrible pain you are in I get so angry you can’t get the medical expertise you need to help you, it’s outrageous.
This would not be happening to us all if men went through this but we all know that. It’s just mind blowing the whole thing.
Rant over. Peace and love to you all xxx
-
This thread is so comforting. Thank you for starting it. I’ve just come off HRT due to issues with progesterone and my mental health and I’ve been so bad that I’ve now started an AD. Might go back to the hormones later. But im just coming out of a really bad patch and im so traumatised by it that I’ve gone back to counselling.
I can’t believe I’ll ever feel normal again right now.
-
Heartbreaking reading all your replies but a comfortvto know I'm not alone.
I'm already suffering from a severely incapacitating illness that has similar symptoms to peri. M.E fatigue brain fog aches and pains, digestion issues, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, cognitive disfunction.....
Then I got covid. Never recovered.
Then the peri hit and I've never been so ill in my life. I'm bedridden and have been since February. I'm used to being bedbound at times with my M.E but since I got covid and now peri...I literally cannot get up.
I feel completely alone as most of you are otherwise healthy women who are now dealing with the beast that is perimenopause or menopause.....and you're in hell.
I feel like there is no way out at all.
I'm used to being very ill as I have been for 30 years so I guess I'm well trained in it which has given me the tools to cope now......
BUT have refused all meds and HRT due to intolerance and the anxiety over feeling even more ill than I do now...stops me trying them.
I honestly am terrified and because I have M.E it just muddies the waters and makes it all worse as I cannot get out n about and escape it all.
Being in this forum is a comfort...but also it terrifys me because nearly every thread is some form of hell that you're sadly experiencing and I see all this ahead for me....I'm in late perimenopause and know its only the beginning of a long road of misery.
There are support listening ear helplines for M.E. I wish there was for menopause.
I'm just existing now. Not living so sad.
There's no one ever with hope or encouragement for me that I can get through it or improve.....people just say how awful it is for me and my gp can only offer meds.
So sad. I used to be such a happy fun loving girl. I cannot see any future. I also feel for my partner who has lost his girl. He's just retired. It was meant to be this new chapter in our lives we had planned for years. But now all that is ruined because of me.
-
Hello Dorothy, I know we’ve been in touch on another thread but I just wanted to pop on and say I’m so sorry that you’re feeling hopeless. It’s also important to point out that while it’s so helpful for those of us who are struggling to share our stories here, we’re a bit of a self-selecting bunch and so you won’t hear the stories of the many many women who continue to be happy and well in peri/meno. They are definitely out there. Your situation sounds incredibly challenging but I do hope that you can find some kind of way forward. You’re right that there really should be a listening service for peri/meno but in the meantime, things like Samaritans are there for any and all issues and they are really very good. Keep talking, keep reaching out.
-
Hello Dorothy, I know we’ve been in touch on another thread but I just wanted to pop on and say I’m so sorry that you’re feeling hopeless. It’s also important to point out that while it’s so helpful for those of us who are struggling to share our stories here, we’re a bit of a self-selecting bunch and so you won’t hear the stories of the many many women who continue to be happy and well in peri/meno. They are definitely out there. Your situation sounds incredibly challenging but I do hope that you can find some kind of way forward. You’re right that there really should be a listening service for peri/meno but in the meantime, things like Samaritans are there for any and all issues and they are really very good. Keep talking, keep reaching out.
Bless your heart for reaching out to me. You'll never know how much it helps. Thank you. You're very kind and caring.
I appreciate it hugely.
The smallest of kindness really can make the difference to someone who's lost hope.
Dorothy xx
-
Lots of love to you Dorothy. Keep the chin up xx
-
Also.Dorothy, you say that " it's all ruined because of me ". P!ease.remember that you health is not a choice you made for yourself. So it cannot be your fault. I do I understand what you mean, I had CFS many years ago, for me it was moderate rather than severe as it is for you. It lasted almost 5 years. I too bad this 30 years ago, and probably as you know it was all quite new, little was known. I was just left to get on with it, it took 2 entire years before a Dr even told me it was CFS no advice or help at all.
Lately I have been severely exhausted particularly after exertion. And I do feel bad I am letting my husband down by not being able to do house or garden tasks as well as I did, even having to stop and sit down on a short walk. This is someone who a year ago would work 6 hours in the garden then go for a 2 hour power walk. Slowly this has gone.
I had many blood tests etc,to investigate and yesterday the gp told me the cfs has returned after being triggered by perimenopause. I am gutted. I don't feel as bad as I do previously but this relapse has stunned me. And my overriding fear is letting my husband down.
But I am on hrt and yes, our stories may not all be good. BUT despite this I am certainly so much better on hrt than off it. Genuinely. I couldn't be without it. I like others have had setbacks but seem to be hormonal stable now. It is So worth it for me.
Can you maybe consider that hrt may actually help you? You are in a dreadful way of health now, can you try to rethink that hrt may be a benefit to to your body and not make things worse? could it be worse than you are now? and I in no way mean that insensitively.
On my original bout of cfs I did become sensitive to stimu lants, like caffeine and alcohol so I understand you have been intolerant to medications before.
Are there also ME forums of others in your position who may be able to offer advice?
Do keep posting, whilst practical help isn't always possible, you are not alone. X
-
Sending empathy and support to all those who are suffering.
Somehow we need to accept the new “ normal” as hard as it can be. For me, it’s almost like a bereavement; mourning the loss of the person I once was.
Dorothy, none of this is your fault, you didn’t choose this way of life. Some of us are dealt a crap set of cards and that’s tough to accept. You can easily become resentful of well people who are oblivious to the suffering of others.
Can you think of any small steps which you could take to make life better for yourself? Hrt might improve things for you physically and mentally ?
Hugs to you x
-
I am glad for those who do feel like their old selves again. I have been 9 months on the Oestrogel and Utrogestan combination (gel does has been adjusted a bit) but I still feel............discombobulated. Just not right and not happy about the way forward but lacking the exact words to say exactly why.
-
Sadly no. I don’t feel at all like my old self. Numerous symptoms and the impossibility of losing weight around my middle, no matter what I do, has taken its toll. All these bloody celebrities taking HRT and saying they feel like teenagers is also enough to make me weep.
-
Completely agree with you regarding the celebrities. So misleading.
If ladies only ever had listened to them...and had no other HRT info or insight........I think alot of women would be mightily disappointed that its not the silver bullet for us all!
But obvs it's amazing if it is life transforming for you x
-
I’m reluctantly saying that I feel back to normal, finally. It’s taken two years of trialling HRT but I think I’m ‘normal’ now.
GP’s tried to diagnose CFS/ME/FIBRO but the tests didn’t add up. I’m scared to admit I feel like I’m ok in case I go into nutter mode!
Testosterone and a huge dose of estrogen /progesterone/ magnesium, vitD,folate, iron all supported me but I’m terrified to return to the fatigue/ anxiety/despair I had.
I was suicidal. Overnight.
I want to hug all ladies who are still suffering. I don’t advise throwing all at it like I did but DON’T GIVE IN. Do what you feel needs to be done to get well,
Love to you all.
-
I’m reluctantly saying that I feel back to normal, finally. It’s taken two years of trialling HRT but I think I’m ‘normal’ now.
GP’s tried to diagnose CFS/ME/FIBRO but the tests didn’t add up. I’m scared to admit I feel like I’m ok in case I go into nutter mode!
Testosterone and a huge dose of estrogen /progesterone/ magnesium, vitD,folate, iron all supported me but I’m terrified to return to the fatigue/ anxiety/despair I had.
I was suicidal. Overnight.
I want to hug all ladies who are still suffering. I don’t advise throwing all at it like I did but DON’T GIVE IN. Do what you feel needs to be done to get well,
Love to you all.
Hello AmandaJR and welcome to the forum. It is wonderful to hear you are in a good place now. :)
-
Hi Amanda, welcome.
I still don't really understand why peri and memo are just so hard for some women more than others. Well.done on getting where you are now. Like you after many ups and downs and tweaks of hrt I think I am as stable as I can be, hormone wise, albeit knowing peri does fluctuate hormone levels. I went on a high dose to suppress ovulation, I think it isn't quite there but the severe moods are down to mostly cyclical pms. For the first time in my life I also had suicidal thoughts. Not me, so scary, hormones were the cause.
But I also feel a bit tentative, vulnerable that the stability will not last. As someone said previously, is losing confidence in our own body.
Thanks for caring for others who are going through it all a hug back to you too.
-
Thanks for a lovely welcome ladies.
Totally agree with everything you’ve written Sarah, I think the fear/ vulnerability held me back for a long time, I still have it but thankfully it’s hugely decreased.
I am still utterly confused about how it happened, I went to bed as usual and woke up in utter terror. Thought I’d gone mad, didn’t want anybody to know so hid away. Took 3 months to work out it was perimenopause, I’d never heard of it! I’ve found loads of other women who didn’t know either, this is a crying shame, I want a huge sticker for the side of my car saying something like plan 4 perimenopause ASAP!
I did the same as you by suppressing ovulation but to be honest don’t know what worked as I changed so much stuff out of desperation, it’s impossible to know.
You’re so right about losing body confidence on top of mental confidence too, it will come back. The much repeated ‘you must wait (suffer!) for 3 months’ line the GP constantly recited was true for my confidence, it took 3 months of feeling ok for me to trust that I was going to recover.
I’m so glad I’ve found this forum, not had a happy cry for years! X
-
That is so true AmandaJR
I was just saying to my husband this morning that I need to get used to the new 'normal' which, for me, is predictably unpredictable! I never saw this coming. My mum passed before I knew I was in peri and I never got to ask her about her menopause. She never ever talked about it though, but a number of things she suffered with (dryness, overheating, reflux) I can look back and see were now probably menopause. My 9 year old daughter already knows about hormones in an age appropriate way, both puberty and menopause ones. I don't want anyone else to be as unprepared as I was for all of this!!!
-
Hi Penguin, I love your predictably unpredictable new normal!
I tried to talk to my mum about her menopause and got told it’s natural, walk in the park and that she was sick of it being all over the TV! I rewound and said I probably had a touch of Covid and haven’t mentioned it since.
It’s great that you talk to your daughter about hormones, I’ve told mine to plan her career around it just in case!
-
Yes indeed! My daughter refers to my menopause brain now and asks me if I've put my gel on if I am too grumpy 🤣. Both children also know when I'm in the progrsterone phase as I fart a lot more , so we do laugh about that 🙈
The impression I got from my mum (and yet I don't remember her ever actually saying this!) is that it's a few hot flushes and your periods stop 🤷♂️. She was also an older mother so went through it in the days when people were more scared of hrt and cancer, so I think she'd have suffered in silence regardless.