Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Pollydollydoodle on June 29, 2023, 06:58:56 AM
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About a year ago my menopause symptoms were so bad I was in a very low place, and my VA symptoms were chronic. This ultimately led to a non existent sex life - nothing. I couldn’t bear the thought of being touched in any way. Hubby has been very understanding over the last 12-15 months but I can sense that he’s starting to get to the end of his patience now and I can understand why.
Thankfully my symptoms are relatively manageable now but the Problem is, I’m quite happy the way things are, we have absolutely no physical contact at all and I’m ok with that. I have absolutely no interest or desire at all. I’m in my mid 50s and I don’t miss the intimacy in the slightest. I’ve never been someone who needed hugs or closeness.
To put into context, we have been together 30 years and have 3 children and are happy enough (I think!) but this is definitely starting to become the elephant in the room. I’m starting to wonder if I should just suggest we go our own ways, which seems drastic but I can’t see any other way x
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Morning. Ask yourself: If he dropped dead tomorrow, how would you feel? No need to tell us but your guts will let you know.
As for vaginal atrophy - have you not discussed with the Nurse Practitioner or GP at your Practice? This isn't something that 'women have to put up with'. There is suitable treatment the idea being to use for 2-3 weeks initially, then as required: every night or several times a week. Plus a moisturiser if necessary.
Do read the 'bladder issues' and vaginal atrophy threads. Make notes ;-)
I went through a stage as you have but much earlier. We had to find ways to remain connected because we had/have a deep love for each other.
Also: low testosterone can cause your feelings. Some ladies do question where they might be at this time of Life. Let us know how you get on.
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I did speak to my GP and that’s how my symptoms are now under control but they were so bad that it took significant time to get them under control x
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I did speak to my GP and that’s how my symptoms are now under control but they were so bad that it took significant time to get them under control x
I was the same - and still have flare-ups (having one now it would seem!) - I don't think I've been using enough of Vagifem & Ovestin to keep it under complete control, which is where we should be aiming for. My VA was so bad years back, that I developed interstitial cystitis from lack of estrogen. I have had definite long periods of time where my symptoms have been absolutely non-existent since starting HRT (systemic and topical). But I haven't quite got the hang of the right maintenance dosage, which is already far more than the recommended 2x a week. That wouldn't do anything for me. I think I might be one of the ones that requires daily use for maintenance..
RE: libido, here's a question for you - do you miss having a libido, and what intimacy used to be like? Take your other half completely out of the equation for a second. Because if it's something that you miss, and that you'd actually quite like to get back, as CKLD mentions - absolutely look at what your testosterone levels are doing. Because I was the same, had zero libido, couldn't care less about it really. And I went into very early meno, so this all happened in my late 20s/early 30s (not fun!). I actually found quite a bit of my libido returned on estrogen alone, but adding a little bit of testosterone... well... that worked :o
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Libido (or the absence of it) in my experience is completely driven by hormones. Mine was cyclical until it died completely and oestrogen made no difference. I didn't miss it, there was just no desire. I wanted testosterone because I had muscle weakness and couldn't do my job. And libido has returned. My advice would be to try testosterone and see how you feel then. Ending a long and mostly happy marriage seems a bit drastic.
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Sorry to read this :(
I agree with above - if you are happy together in general, maybe try Testosterone to see if it makes any difference to your desire? It may be a lack of this hormone that is making you feel that you're happy with no intimacy?
I am feeling the same to be honest.
My husband has a very high sex drive - and i have had virtually no desire for ages.
I'm Ok if I occasionally get 'drawn in' but I never initiate - and sometimes if I'm honest I see it as a chore, and find I am annoyed with my husband :(
I'm on HRT, estrogel and utrogestan, continuous regime - it has been an absolute epic to get this from my GP.
How does one get testosterone?
Can GPs prescribe?
I really cannot be bothered, have no fight left, if it means trailing to see a menopause clinic as I've had bad experiences there.
However, I do WANT to be more keen in the bedroom, more for my husband's sake really. (But as I said above, maybe a deficiency is ma\king me feel like I'm not bothered) I love him dearly and he is a supportive rock for me and always has been.
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Clovie I feel the same as you re desire and I would love to get it back. OP, I think that if you love your husband and do want to stay together, would it be worth trying something to see if it can improve your libido? Is testosterone the only option, I don't know. Perhaps there are natural things you can try if your gp won't prescribe. Perhaps worth getting your levels tested.
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U may need to go to a dedicated menopause clinic as GPs in the main, are reluctant to prescribe testosterone for women ................. mayB speak to your Nurse Practitioner or Practice Manager and ask that question?
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I am in a similar position although for much longer - I adore my husband and feel sorry for him over this. I don’t really have any libido either. The main problem is the skin on my perineum is paper thin and bleeds at the slightest contact!! GP suggested local anaesthetic!!
The guilt may be weighing heavily on you I hear you. If you can live without him? Go for it.
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Although you and your husband have obviously had a long time with this experience, but have you actually managed to speak honestly together about this recently??
You say your symptoms are better controlled and it seems that you have just fallen out of the desire for sex or intimacy. Your husband maybe assumes\hopes this was a temporary physical difficulty and maybe not understanding that now your needs have altered.
You say you mostly think you are happy together in other aspects of your life together. Can you bring up the subject with him, as you say, the elephant in the room. There may be other ways of achieving intimacy together, IF you both want this that is a form of compromise?? Off the top of my head I am thinking male sex toys you could both be involved in should you wish to still share together? Couples therapy??
Needless to say we all have our own thoughts and opinions on any post on here, but I know changing sex life can be a hard subject to broach, it is hard that someone may feel hurt when two peoples needs differ. Hope things can work out.
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I was also wondering if perhaps you are just out of the habit of it, and if it was a regular thing the desire might come back. When I was younger, more sex always made me want more sex, if that makes sense.
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You may be into something there Penguin.
Whilst the habit of full.sex can take a back step a bit,it's the intimacy, the playing means as much to me. Age, heath and life itself can mean we're too knackered or apathetic for full sex. And so that becomes the new routine....
I accept as we are ageing it's a lot less in the forefront. But for me, the intimacy is a huge part of our relationship. My libido has crashed too but I still need the play,.the touches the kisses. The closeness I guess
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So do husbands/OHs ;). Boundaries suggesting when couples need to stop are important so that it doesn't cause feelings of guilt or resentment when 1 doesn't want to go further.
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I am in a similar position although for much longer - I adore my husband and feel sorry for him over this. I don’t really have any libido either. The main problem is the skin on my perineum is paper thin and bleeds at the slightest contact!! GP suggested local anaesthetic!!
The guilt may be weighing heavily on you I hear you. If you can live without him? Go for it.
Are you on HRT? I had problems like you due to having had two episiotomies when they were standard procedure. The only thing that helped was HRT. It's such a painful condition.
Taz x
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Taz, I hadn't realised!
The episiotomy I had with my first son ripped from the cut like a zipper opening, so my husband said, it took them literally hours to sew me up, layering stitches and it was infected from the start, perhaps because it took them so long?
Anyway the little sharp pains I've been getting are right there on the scar tissue, I didn't put the two together, but I'm weeing myself as a symptom of VA, so I guess they don't go well together.
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If you had an episiotomy is can also lead to prolapse. The weeing may be down to bladder prolapse. Have you been given pelvic floor exercises or an examination for prolapse? Obviously they didn't realise the damage episiotomies an do when it was routine to give everyone one. There is some info here about the effect on the pelvic floor https://urogynaecology.com.au/what-causes-prolapse/
Taz x
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If you had an episiotomy is can also lead to prolapse. The weeing may be down to bladder prolapse. Have you been given pelvic floor exercises or an examination for prolapse? Obviously they didn't realise the damage episiotomies an do when it was routine to give everyone one. There is some info here about the effect on the pelvic floor https://urogynaecology.com.au/what-causes-prolapse/
Taz x
Thanks Taz, I thought I had prolapse after my first son and stitches, far too many to count, by the time I had my third kid, the GP agreed with me and said, "Yes, you need to concentrate more on your pelvic floor exercises" and left me to it. It was embarrassing, I hated him and he had his hand inside me at the time, so he was telling me I couldn't squeeze his hand.
I was later told by genetics those doctors had completely missed my somewhat obvious medical condition which gave me between 10-15% chance of bleeding to death at each pregnancy/birth. It's good to know we're in safe hands!
I'm still not sure what pelvic floor exercises actually consist of.
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meno-mel,
I'm still not sure what pelvic floor exercises actually consist of
I'd ask to see a Women's Physio, they are fab at helping with pelvic floor issues. There is also a good book called The Pelvic Floor Bible by Jane Simpson.
Polly, I agree with the suggestion to give testosterone a try.
Wx
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Hi Pollydollydoodle,
I agree that trying Testosterone is a good idea, just wonder about the part where you said that you don't miss intimacy at all.
Many women feel like that, some carry on with intimacy occasionally to please their partners. I saw in the paper yesterday this statement: 'I have got to an age where I'm just not interested. It's almost like a burden has been lifted- with apologies to my husband '. It is not very often to see a celebrity saying this.
I agree it's hard for partners but women do so many things for others during their lifetimes, and this might be just another sacrifice needed to keep the relationship going. Unless your partner can understand and accept this. I guess it's important to ask yourself how you feel about this.
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Have U printed off 'hints for husbands' from the Forum ?
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I was married for 34 years. By the time we separated our sex life and physical contact had stopped. I found sex painful so I avoided it. I didn't know it was menopause, i thought it was because i was tense. It was probably both. In addition, I had no desire, it was a chore, I just wanted to be left alone. It wasn't the only reason we separated I have to say but will have contributed. For the most we had a decent life together and were good friends. 3 years later I met a man, a bit younger than me, and I suddenly found desire again, even with the menopause issues, I wasn't put off. I found him very attractive and we still have a friends with benefits relationship 6 years on. He was very experienced and without the constraints of commitment and a life together it was liberating and exciting. Still is. So I'm trying to say, things are rarely straightforward. I know now that solving my menopause issues wouldn't have saved my marriage. I had libido, just not for him. We had become like siblings. We are actually friends again and had family Sunday lunch together yesterday but I have no romantic feelings. The other man makes me feel 20 again and it provoked me to sort out my VA in order to maintain a sex life. That said we are all different and content in different ways and want different things from life and if I hadn't met anyone, maybe I'd have been ok never being touched again. I'll never know
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Sexual chemistry is a powerful drug. Well done Jules ..........
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I can totally relate to Jules. I was married for nearly 20 years but after I had my children, my libido totally disappeared and when I hit peri it became even worse, I didn't even want to be touched. I only had sex to please my husband and the lack of it caused numerous rows although he was very understanding. It was the only thing we rowed about. I loved him very much but would have been totally happy never to have sex again. We separated 4 years ago and not long after I met up with my high school sweetheart. We've been together ever since and our sex life is amazing. There is never a day I don't want it 😂 my ex and I are great friends and I still have a lot of love for him but like Jules says, we are like siblings now. I don't know how easy it is to get desire back once it's gone, for me I know it never would have returned had we stayed together.
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Sexual chemistry is a powerful drug. Well done Jules ..........
I think also we had been together since we were 18, grown up together, it became the same routine all those years. He met someone else in the end butbin hindsight it had already been lost. I would never have wanted to divorce, it was devastating and financial suicide and id never encourage anyone unless its irretrievable, but re the sex, it shows how the lack of desire can worsen menopausal symptoms, the tension and anxiety. And though this isn't going anywhere, he's an eternal bachelor, it was reassuring to know I still could do it, the pain went though i had the UTI thing, and to be reminded of how it can be. I just had to take a step and get the right treatment.
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We've been together since 1970 ;)
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We've been together since 1970 ;)
That's wonderful. You must be very happy together. My parents were together 70 years. Longevity in a relationship is becoming an achievement