Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Songbird on November 10, 2022, 02:36:23 PM
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Oh dear, feeling a bit down today so hope you ladies don’t mind me putting my thoughts down here..Maybe one or two of you lovely ladies can relate..
Trying my best to cope with mum’s obvious cognitive decline but sometimes feel I’m coming up short and today’s one of those days :-\
I’m always saying that, as long as she’s safe and reasonably happy, then there’s no reason for her to move (she’s desperate to be “carried out feet first”) but I’m seeing real decline - forgetting to take her tablets, a bit of decline in personal care (not convinced she’s in a shower every day - she was OCD about this at one time but she will not entertain carers). She’s sometimes unaware re safety when walking about outside (crossing roads and looking after her purse etc :-\) Thank goodness I’m retired because I couldn’t cope with the level of support I’m giving if I had to work!
Don’t mean to be needy but I feel a bit depressed about it all today for some reason (and it’s only going to get worse isn’t it?) How will I know when to get more help? It’s left to me as my brother is clueless!
Thanks for listening ladies - all comments welcome 🙏 xx
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Please do not be hard on yourself. You are going through such a difficult time. It us understandable to be worried about your mum. It is tricky for you with her not wanting any outside support.
I wonder if it would be helpful to talk this through with her GP.
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:-\
Oh dear, feeling a bit down today so hope you ladies don’t mind me putting my thoughts down here..Maybe one or two of you lovely ladies can relate..
Trying my best to cope with mum’s obvious cognitive decline but sometimes feel I’m coming up short and today’s one of those days :-\
I’m always saying that, as long as she’s safe and reasonably happy, then there’s no reason for her to move (she’s desperate to be “carried out feet first”) but I’m seeing real decline - forgetting to take her tablets, a bit of decline in personal care (not convinced she’s in a shower every day - she was OCD about this at one time but she will not entertain carers). She’s sometimes unaware re safety when walking about outside (crossing roads and looking after her purse etc :-\) Thank goodness I’m retired because I couldn’t cope with the level of support I’m giving if I had to work!
Don’t mean to be needy but I feel a bit depressed about it all today for some reason (and it’s only going to get worse isn’t it?) How will I know when to get more help? It’s left to me as my brother is clueless!
Thanks for listening ladies - all comments welcome 🙏 xx
Hi Songbird.
It's so difficult with loved ones when they cognitively start to decline.
Sometimes age concern can be quite good, even if it's just you contacting them for a listening ear as I know it can be very very difficult.
I believe it's called Age UK now and they can arrange things like social care. Even if you're mum won't entertain carers, Age UK may be able to give you some help and advice.
Sometimes with loved ones if the carer was introduced by you, say if the carer went to visit your mum and you were there the first few times.
I think though if your mum starts to wander, late at night say that's when things could get difficult.
Sometimes elderly parents, deep down know when they need extra care (even if they don't vocalise it) and sometimes when the extra care, even a care home when the time is right, is arranged carefully and sensitively, once they are settled I think they feel much better in themselves as well.
Sending you a hug and lots of love xxxx
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Oh thanks Flossie. Actually I think I will approach the GP. They may have thoughts on how I can assess my mum's needs accurately and how to approach it all with her. It's so difficult as I'm so close to her but I have to do what's best for her.
There are some cruel illnesses aren't there?
Thanks so much for coming back to me :foryou:
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Thanks so much, Discogirl. Again, this is really useful. I hadn't thought about Age UK actually.
I will definitely look them up.
Thanks so much again 😘
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Oh thanks Flossie. Actually I think I will approach the GP. They may have thoughts on how I can assess my mum's needs accurately and how to approach it all with her. It's so difficult as I'm so close to her but I have to do what's best for her.
There are some cruel illnesses aren't there?
Thanks so much for coming back to me :foryou:
Yes, I think those kinds of conditions are very cruel. Sometimes you have to do what you think is best rather then what your mum wants as you are aware of her needs.
You are so welcome. :)
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Thanks so much, Discogirl. Again, this is really useful. I hadn't thought about Age UK actually.
I will definitely look them up.
Thanks so much again 😘
If you look them up I think they are Age UK now and most towns and cities etc have them.
This is their free national information line: 0800 678 1602, open from 8am to 7pm, they cover anything from health to housing. I've never rang them so I don't know if it's automated or manned but worth a ring.
Keep us updated Songbird xxx
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That's gr8. Thanks so much again :foryou:
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Hi Songbird.
I too looked after my mom and dad, I know how hard it is believe me.
I have three brothers, and we’re useless, but every decision I made, I put through them first.
Everything to do now about your mom is your decision, it’s your call. Especially as she’s forgetting things.
I know it’s hard, but you have to bite the bullet and ask for some kind of help. You can’t be there 24 hours a day.
I know you want to keep her wishes, but it’s your mental health that will suffer if you don’t get help.
Like the others have said, first call would be her GP.
You’ve done great songbird, don’t beat yourself up. Xx
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Oh thanks Jilly. It's really not like me. Just felt a bit fragile today. All of the replies have been such a help, honestly.
The signposting for help and just being able to share, somewhat anonymously ;) has really helped..thank you 😘
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I'll start by saying that you have to look after yourself before you can look after someone else, so you need to ensure that you have support because this isn't something you can do on your own, and yes sadly it will get harder. You are doing a great job but you can't continue to do it alone.
From my experience I'd say that the earlier you ask for help the better, because it can take time to get things sorted out. The doctor is a good place to start along with Age Concern. If your mother is resistant to your suggestions, she may be willing to listen to the doctor, or alternatively a friend or family member of her generation. I think parents often have difficulty seeing their children as adults. A friend found that her mother refused all of her suggestions, but accepted everything that was suggested by one of her old friends.
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Hi Songbird,
Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job caring for your Mom but you also need to look after yourself! Give the dr a call and see what recommendations they can offer to make your life easier. Take advantage of the supports available to her and you as a caregiver.
My dad is 89, soon to turn 90 and we all have noticed his behaviour has been changing over the last couple of years. He still remains in his home and cares for himself. I call him every other day and go over when I can. My brother also looks in on him twice a week.
One day we will have to have that conversation about home care. He's pretty frail but keeps himself active as his body will let him.
Let us know how things are going!
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I'll start by saying that you have to look after yourself before you can look after someone else, so you need to ensure that you have support because this isn't something you can do on your own, and yes sadly it will get harder. You are doing a great job but you can't continue to do it alone.
From my experience I'd say that the earlier you ask for help the better, because it can take time to get things sorted out. The doctor is a good place to start along with Age Concern. If your mother is resistant to your suggestions, she may be willing to listen to the doctor, or alternatively a friend or family member of her generation. I think parents often have difficulty seeing their children as adults. A friend found that her mother refused all of her suggestions, but accepted everything that was suggested by one of her old friends.
Thanks again. This makes a lot of sense. I will certainly be drawing on all of the support that is available. I've just been a little bit taken aback at the rate of decline in the past year.
All of your feedback is hugely appreciated ladies..😘
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Hi Songbird,
Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job caring for your Mom but you also need to look after yourself! Give the dr a call and see what recommendations they can offer to make your life easier. Take advantage of the supports available to her and you as a caregiver.
My dad is 89, soon to turn 90 and we all have noticed his behaviour has been changing over the last couple of years. He still remains in his home and cares for himself. I call him every other day and go over when I can. My brother also looks in on him twice a week.
One day we will have to have that conversation about home care. He's pretty frail but keeps himself active as his body will let him.
Let us know how things are going!
Thanks so much C.C.
Mum is 83. I keep telling her that she needs to match the Queen's age when she passed away - goodness - 96 😲
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Every one is entitled to a social care assessment, whether your Mum would accept a stranger asking her questions in her home? which is why perhaps a GP appt. with someone that she is familiar with may be the way to proceed.
Sometimes a low grade urine infection can cause a decline, so ask the Nurse Practitioner to take a series of urine samples. If necessary your Mum can be prescribed a maitnence dose of appropriate antibiotics. Would she have vaginal atrophy, a difficult subject to tackle!
Do Baware that some won't listen to what relatives try to explain: to maintain dignity (apparently) they insist on taking the answers from the client! Of course, if the client says "My daughter looks after everything" or "I'm OK" ....... that's what they will believe.
Also: LOOK AFTER U! How much 'me' time can you access? Is there a 'cafe' idea set up where you could leave your Mum while you take a walk? Access Dementia services in your area too as well as MIND.
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And YES - you're doing fine :foryou:
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This is a fantastic forum. Brilliant advice, reassurance and non judgemental. Thanks CLKD and all of you lovely ladies. Feel much better now. :)
I just need to ensure I access all services and not feel guilty about it. :-\
:tulips2:
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This is a fantastic forum. Brilliant advice, reassurance and non judgemental. Thanks CLKD and all of you lovely ladies. Feel much better now. :)
I just need to ensure I access all services and not feel guilty about it. :-\
:tulips2:
You are using the services to ensure your mother gets the care she needs. There is no reason to feel guilty.
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Guilt is difficult to cope with at times. Putting all the ducks in a row will help!
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Dear Song bird,
I feel for you.
We went through this with my Mum last year, after my lovely Dad died, but added to the mix was the abuse she screamed at us if we tried to help. (long history of abuse). She wanted us to run her home as she never had and hadn’t a clue. Short story, she’s now in a nursing home. Because of the history and the distance I rarely visit. Sounds cruel and I struggle with guilt. She’s not happy and apparently is aggressive and prone to making allegations. But she is being looked after and they get extra funding to cover for safeguarding due to her behaviour. There is no other solution and even if she was lovely, I’m not well enough or young enough to look after her. There is no alternative. I am told I shouldn’t care, but I do.
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I don't have guilt though feel sad that the situation with Mum isn't different.
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Thanks for sharing Ju Ju. Your experience, I'm sure, will resonate with many here.
Hugs and :foryou:
Same for you CLKD :foryou:
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Tnx for the flowers :). David Coulthard has a saying : "It is what it is" : sometimes though it's hard to follow when issues are in my face :-\.
How do you feel this. morning?
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So much better thanks CLKD. Mind you, I popped a new evorel patch on this morning - that always gives me a boost mentally ;D
Went to a lovely garden centre with hubby and had the biggest slice of gateau you can imagine - happy days ;)
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So much better thanks CLKD. Mind you, I popped a new evorel patch on this morning - that always gives me a boost mentally ;D
Went to a lovely garden centre with hubby and had the biggest slice of gateau you can imagine - happy days ;)
That sounds like a lovely day. :)
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How does 1 plant a slice of gateaux :whist:
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How does 1 plant a slice of gateaux :whist:
I can tell you how to plant it in your tummy. ;D
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Me too Flossie ;D
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Me too Flossie ;D
;D yummy!
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:lol:
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So much better thanks CLKD. Mind you, I popped a new evorel patch on this morning - that always gives me a boost mentally ;D
Went to a lovely garden centre with hubby and had the biggest slice of gateau you can imagine - happy days ;)
I like days like that Songbird.
Hope you and your mum are doing okay xx
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Dear Song bird,
I feel for you.
We went through this with my Mum last year, after my lovely Dad died, but added to the mix was the abuse she screamed at us if we tried to help. (long history of abuse). She wanted us to run her home as she never had and hadn’t a clue. Short story, she’s now in a nursing home. Because of the history and the distance I rarely visit. Sounds cruel and I struggle with guilt. She’s not happy and apparently is aggressive and prone to making allegations. But she is being looked after and they get extra funding to cover for safeguarding due to her behaviour. There is no other solution and even if she was lovely, I’m not well enough or young enough to look after her. There is no alternative. I am told I shouldn’t care, but I do.
Ju Ju
Of course you care and it must hurt enormously, I really feel for you.
You cannot change what is happening, so acceptance without guilt as to your capabilities in this situation is the wisest path to follow.
Doesn’t mean for one moment that you do not love.
M x
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Doing fine thanks so much Discogirl xx
Wise words Marchlove xx
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Doing fine thanks so much Discogirl xx
Wise words Marchlove xx
hi songbird
just wondering how your mum is doing and how you are x
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Hi Discogirl
That's so kind of you to ask.
I actually had mum out for a lovely bar supper tonight. She had a really nice night and was in good form.
I'm feeling so much more like myself again. Just had a bit of a wobble the other week.
Thanks so much for your kindness :foryou:
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:medal:
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Hi Discogirl
That's so kind of you to ask.
I actually had mum out for a lovely bar supper tonight. She had a really nice night and was in good form.
I'm feeling so much more like myself again. Just had a bit of a wobble the other week.
Thanks so much for your kindness :foryou:
Im really glad songbird x
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Aww songbird I'm so sorry I missed this thread,you must think me awful 😞
Just wanted to say what an amazing daughter you've been to your mum and you should be proud of yourself ❣️❣️
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Aww Jaypo, not at all ::) -
It was just one of those weird days when I struggled to see the wood for the trees - very strange for me ???
Just didn't want to speak to anyone face to face but this is where, for me, this forum comes into its own. I can have a moan and get some reassurance/advice in return.
And I've had both from you, Jaypo so......
:foryou:
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You're welcome my lovely :-*