Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: clair.l on July 27, 2022, 04:46:19 PM
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Hi guys I really don’t know what to do it’s tearing me apart. I have suspicion that my husband of 22 years been together 27 is with another women when he says he is at work started working late and sometimes over night stays which now he has said he isn’t doing cos I had a meltdown big style. I’ve tracked him on his phone and when he has said he is somewhere he is somewhere else. I love the bones of this man and we have 3 grown up children together we are just about to move house and we have booked Thailand for Xmas but something doesn’t feel right he says he loves me and he wants me and no one else but I’ve even tried looking at his phone and has Face ID on his what’s app so I can’t see the messages. He leaves his phone down here and can get on it but can see anything on the bits where I think he is hiding stuff. I’ve wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and what u know but havnt given it to him yet and really scared of being alone and losing the one good thing in my life well so I thought any advise on this guys please would be so grateful as it’s messing me up big time and don’t know what to do I cry all the time when I’m alone and have to put a brave face on things it’s so hard thanks clair xxxx
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WHOOOOOAH ......... hormones can cause huge upheavals. Including suspicion.
MayB make an arrangement to go out together once a week on a different evening, you could meet him at his work place ;-). If he stalls ......... I wouldn't put up with the work excuse!
Moving house is the biggest stressor followed by going through divorce proceedings. Think about why you need to move, whose idea was it? R U moving far, does it mean the children have to change schools etc.?
Even if he is playing away, try to hold hard. It may be infatuation, which could finish as soon as it started. His phone may not give you any clues ........ if he feels that you are 'nagging' whether own not your hunch is correct, it will drive him into saying even less.
What do you intend to do if he wants to move on rather than move house? Make sure that you have your monies sorted . Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to advise on that.
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He runs his own business and we are moving to a new build house to free up equity on our house to clear some debts. And it was a joint decision my hormones are shocking at the moment and I think he is cos I have proof he was somewhere different to where he told me he was. I know it’s a big thing moving house but if things were to go pear shape he would never make me struggle the kids are all grown up now and two of them have left home so they are not the issue and never will be he is an amazing dad and always will xxxx
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I can understand your concerns. I think going through menopause is so lonely. Speaking for myself, I feel so old and ugly. I feel it has aged me while my partner looks younger then ever. I am wondering if these kinds of feelings may be affecting the way you feel about your husband not being faithful.
You know your husband well. If you asked him if he was cheating, do you think he would give you an honest answer?
When you say he was not were he said he was, could he be somewhere else due to work or even something innocent like going for a walk, having some alone time?
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Bless you I so feel for you. My late Husband was playing away and I had no idea what was going on. I think you clearly need to put your mind at rest as this is tearing you up understandably. Would it be possible for you to sit down and talk to him and explain your concerns? Hormones can also pay havoc with thoughts and worries and magnify things but you need peace of mind to clear this up so you can move forward. Hope so much things will resolve for you xxx
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Even with hormones I think we sometimes know instinctively that there's something not quite right, and if he's always had the same business but is now behaving very differently for the first time, then you may be right.
The best thing to do is to sit down and explain your reasons for being worried, but before you do have a think about what you would do if he has been with someone else. Would you want to try to fight for him or would you want to leave him? Have a clear idea about what you want so that you are in control.
I often say that a letter can be the best way to communicate your feelings without bringing a lot of emotion into things, but write a letter then leave it for a day or two and review it and change it before you give it to him.
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:clear some debts: :-\. Was this a joint decision to move ........... there is a lot going on that would ring alarm bells. Have you both discussed the debts with a Solicitor for example, is his Company Limited?
I would be looking to see what monies would be available to me should push come to shove. The last 3 years has been difficult across the boards of industry ........ 1 thing I would have is my money in my account, not a joint account.
MayB counselling together or for yourself to clear the air with a professional not emotionally connected. Relate have waiting lists , would you consider getting onto one?
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If you don’t speak to him, you’ll go outa your mind.
He may be innocent. And it’s all in your mind, menopause/hormones, does these things to us.
One small thing, turns into another, and before we know it, our brains are working overtime, causing us to be over emotional, and paranoid.
Anxiety works brilliantly in our minds, and sets off loads of thoughts out of nothing.
You really need to talk to him, you need some peace of mind.
xx
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Oh my this rings so many bells, I was the same.
It’s the hormones playing tricks and causing you to doubt yourself, feel paranoid and untrusting of your husband. Please don’t go searching for clues or evidence as it will drive you crazy and also cause a massive wedge between the two of you when there maybe not cause to.
Be honest with him about how you’re feeling, your worries and what outcome you both want. I wish I had spoken honestly to my then husband about what I was going through and it may just have saved my marriage of 22 yrs.
I can’t stress enough how detrimental to your mental health searching for clues can be.
Also his mobile phone is a private thing, how would it make you feel if you found your husband looking through your phone. I know you have nothing to hide, but maybe neither does he.
I’m not saying this to be nasty, more speaking from experience as I have looked through my ex partners phones and it doesn’t end well, trust me!
I really hope you can sit down together and work through this as a united couple.
Good luck ❤️
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I disagree with the person above, been married over 30 years, my husband knows how to unlock my phone and I know how to unlock his. We share our locations because that makes it easier for us to figure out stuff, e.g. where either of us is if we're beginning to think about cooking dinner. We also both ride motorbikes and so sometimes we'll be bimbling about in the middle of nowhere and not picking up, the tracking means we can have a quick check ...
But it's not 100% accurate, sometimes it doesn't update properly and we'll look like we're miles away from where we actually are.
I mean, ask yourself this, why would your husband share his location with you if he's not going where he says he's going, UNLESS you're actually tracking him without his knowledge? At the point you're doing that, you've already got serious trust issues in your marriage. You say something doesn't feel right. Can you talk to him about your feelings? I mean what if he's trying to salvage the business? What if he's depressed and taking himself off? What if, in a desperate attempt to make some money on the side, he's actually working two jobs?
Logically, I'd say you're dealing with a breakdown in communication. Sounds like you've both got a lot on your plates. Also sounds like you want him to know how you feel (alone, confused, anxious, upset) <<< maybe start with that, rather than an accusation which will just get his back up. Explain that you're feeling vulnerable, you love him, and you're really struggling. Ask for his help.
EK
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I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. I have noticed when my hormones are up and down it makes me a bit paranoid…in a teenage girl sort of way. No one loves me, everyone’s out to get me. I know logically that’s not the truth but when I’m in it, the joined up thinking starts to take me down a path of irrational thought. One of the best things I was told in my loooong dating journey in my 20s&30s was that a man can only love a woman as much as she lives herself. I always revert back to this when I start falling into the above mindsight.
On the other hand I do believe in women’s intuition and I’m sure after been together so long you know him well and can tell she something is off. Do you think he’s struggling with what your going through? Could it be that he needs his space because, essentially, menopause is a problem a man cannot fix? Men do after all, disappear into their cave when they are faced with challenges.
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Having myself been cheated on more than once this would also have alarm bells ringing for me, especially the late nights and overnight stays.
Does he know that you can track his phone ? What is his job, is it the sort that he has to travel to different places ?
The place he has been without your knowledge, is it the same place or different each time ? Is it a house ? My curiosity would get the better of me and I would have to go and have a look at this place for myself.
It could all be totally innocent and he could have a genuine reason. But on the other hand our intuition shouldn't be ignored.
You can either confront him and discuss your worries and ask him outright where he is going, or you can bide your time and see if it continues before discussing it, I think I'd do the latter. I really hope you get some answers and can put your mind to rest.
So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I had only just had my first baby and my partner started working late and having nights away. Three months later he left me and moved in with her and got married 😞. My life was turned upside down.
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:'( :-\ :'(
Group :hug:
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It was a joint decision to sell the house and clear the debts we have our own debts each and so the money will clear them off and we can start afresh in just so confused at the moment I’ve wrote him a letter and I so want to give it to him but last night for example he was so snappy and then this morning we both have work but he was as nice as pie we are suppose to be going away in august for a long weekend in a cottage then we will be moving in October and even got new furniture and when he got it in his name I said about what if we spilt up and instead of saying we won’t cos I love you he just said the carpets won’t fit anywhere else that’s not the answer I was expecting. And then we are suppose to be going to Thailand for Xmas we are still intermate in the bedroom and he doesn’t do anything that’s different but it’s just the lies and as for checking his phone we don’t normally but when you feel something isn’t right but why would you block what’s app mine isn’t blocked he can see mine and everything else I don’t care but he is so secretive and because he does computers he knows what he is doing and how to hide things he also told me the night in Manchester working he sent the invoice so I checked his invoices I have access to these and there was none for that company or day I don’t understand why he needs to lie to me I have never lied to him about anything and then this morning I told him I loved him and he said it back like he had to but didn’t want to xxxx
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I don't think that a Solicitor would advise for a property to be in a single name. I think you need to hold hard and speak to that Solicitor. I wonder if a mortgage company these days would agree to a single named Deeds ? Were you present or had access to all correspondence regarding this move?
You are not responsible for each other's debts. Hopefully you have had independent advice - that is from each other as well as from a qualified Financial Advisor to make a plan to settle those debts.
Would making a list of your worries help? Putting it down on paper: positives on one side, negatives on the other to see what tallies.
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As hard as it might be Clair to get an answer about what might be going on, just guessing (in my experience) is just torturing yourself and starts to affect your mental health. You deserve better than that and you deserve to be sincerely reassures if nothing is going on.
Do you have a good support network?
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The house is sold and the new build will be ready in October and it’s all done in both names not just his I ain’t that crazy lol but I am worried our debts are not the issue the issue is I’m a very insecure person and can get very paranoid always have been and he knows that and with my menopause and everything else going on at the minute I’m finding it hard to trust him when he lies about where he is and where he isn’t. He is very secretive and has locked his what’s app and his pc so I can’t get in them I want to trust him I really do but I find it hard I love the bones of him and he is a great man and a great dad but it’s hard when you have loved and lost what I have you think you will love someone and then they will leave you xxxx
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My heart goes out to you. x
I would just say please hand over your phone, and open your computer, as Im sorry but at the minute I'm just feel something isn't right. Id say im sorry if im wrong but I have to put the suspicion to rest. If I was asked to hand over my phone, computer and I was innocent, I wouldn't mind and if it helped put my partners mind at ease. Basically If hes got nothing to hide, it shldnt be an issue.
See what he says.
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He was in the shower the other day and I heard him on the phone confronted him about it while he was still in the shower he denied it so I said let me check your phone then he turned and told me to get out. Since then I’ve been so much worse he tells me we are ok and he loves me and it’s me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel like that when he can’t even answer a text but if it’s any one else he answers it straight away I really don’t know what to do anymore I’m so lost and alone I have friends to talk to but it doesn’t stop me wanting to fall apart which I know is going to happen I hate feeling this way and hate doubting him but reasons give me that doubt xxxx
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He was in the shower the other day and I heard him on the phone confronted him about it while he was still in the shower he denied it so I said let me check your phone then he turned and told me to get out. Since then I’ve been so much worse he tells me we are ok and he loves me and it’s me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel like that when he can’t even answer a text but if it’s any one else he answers it straight away I really don’t know what to do anymore I’m so lost and alone I have friends to talk to but it doesn’t stop me wanting to fall apart which I know is going to happen I hate feeling this way and hate doubting him but reasons give me that doubt xxxx
Having got the t shirt with having a cheating ex myself you most definitely need to confront him. What you are saying is deeply suspicious re the things he is doing. Why would he not want you looking at his phone if he has nothing to hide even if it is just to reassure you. Yes phones are private BUT in a case like this if he had nothing to hide he would surely have let you see? You need clarity one way or another. Sending love and empathy xx
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If he was really devious of course he'd just have another phone. Could it be financial stuff you don't know about? Gambling for instance. Lots of addicts do that through their phones. I'd take the pressure off for a while but don't risk having sex with him without protection if you are so sure there is someone else. I'd never let my partner look through my phone or computer I'm afraid and if he demanded it I'd be very upset over the lack of trust but each couple is different
Maybe you'd like to start a new thread in the private lives section where only members can read it and not the whole internet? More members might feel able
to share their experiences then.
Taz x :hug:
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Looking for information that directly affects your life, health and safety, information that you would have in a healthy relationship appears to have been unjustly withheld. Why?
Privacy and secrecy are different. Privacy is what you get in the bathroom when you are legitimately using it. Secrecy is when you sneak in there to text the latest work whore.
Ask me how I know.
Protect yourself.
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Good points Taz. Gambling had crossed my mind. Also, he may be seeking solace from others because he can't tell you. When severely depressed I had friends outside of the marriage to talk to ......... in between counselling sessions. Saying things that I would never tell DH. I was afraid enough for the both of us :'(
How much have you shared over the years ? Is this apparent 'closing up' in recent months?
My husband knows that should he have ever opened mail addressed to me that would have been it. Above even playing away. Not that I've had anything to hide, but as I pointed out: there are certain times of the year when C.mas and birthday ideas fly back and forth!
when he got it in his name I said about what if we spilt up. sorry I thought this meant the house rather than furniture.
You probably feel that you want 'it' solved ASAP which is why I suggest seeking a professional outlet - if you are in the UK then RELATE can help and MIND Charity are good at supporting people.
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Thanks everyone I had a melt down last night and told him everything how I’m feeling why I’m feeling it and what he has done ie the lies and keeping things from me he got angry as in speaking but not bad angry he isn’t like that and never would be. He says he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants anymore as he has so much going round in his head but so do I don’t know what to do anymore I have told him I don’t want to lose him but I think I have and I’ve told him that I want us to be the way we were and then this morning he was a little off with me and then we talked about the flights to go Thailand for Xmas and then he said we will be ok so I’m so confused and don’t know anything anymore what I do know whatever happens I will always love him and it will break my heart to lose him xxxxx
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Hi.
Sounds like he’s in a bit of a mess too.
Maybe the house move, the debts, the business, EVERYTHING is getting him down. Understandable.
You both need a break. Away from everything. Let’s face it, life’s tough most of the time anyway, and then throw in the house move, and everything else, and BAM, tips everything over the edge. 🤷🏼♀️
You’ve got a lot off your chest, do you feel any better for that?
I’m sure you’ll both be ok, it’s just a very tough time at the moment, and with your hormones too, 😱 doesn’t make things any easier.
Stick with it, keep going, he’s just lost at the minute, maybe now you’ve had a talk, it could be a turning point. 🤞🏼Well done for that btw. 👍
xx
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He needs to go to counselling. Fast. B4 he disintigrates further.
U will never be the way you were! Debts can drag anyone down and if you both have money worries, what support have you had? Was the advice from the same person/Company? Were you advised to down size your house?
If you had advice thus far, I would make another appt for your both to go over what's what. Get it laid out again.
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Can you encourage him to open up to you? He may feel he's let you down and the secrecy may be trying to protect you, perhaps there are more debts you don't know about or the business is failing. My OH thinks he has to be 'strong for me' whereas I think we're in it together and whatever the issue is we need to face it together and support each other. Getting away from it all seems like a good idea, he needs to remember why he fell in love with you.
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Men react to crisis situations differently to how women do: a few moments ago, on BBC, Laura Kenny was explaining how her husband Jason wouldn't discuss their mis-carriage in case he upset her :-\. Needing to be protective for no real reason.
Which is why counselling would help ....... someone to keep the environment calm.
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Oh dear :/
I agree with Taz, if he's not a stupid guy, then you wouldn't even know ... Unfortunately, sounds like a money issue to me.
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So tonight I’m even worse cos my husband decided to send me a message and tell me after promising no more working away that he needs time and he is doing a job in Newcastle til Sunday I’m really falling to pieces cos not 2 hours before he was saying that he loves me and we can even renew our vows in Thailand but he was sending me a message cos he couldn’t tell me to my face cos he don’t like to see me upset I don’t how longer I can cope he said we will talk on Sunday knowing we have people here for dinner xx
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From things others have said and what he's said to you it does sound like there might be some money worries / debts that you don't know about, and he may just need time to get things straight before he talks to you about it.
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Tell him you'll join him on Saturday night?
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Please, please don’t press him anymore. Let him be, as hard as that might be. If he’s dealing with something, whatever that might be, he’s deep into a cave mindset. If you push, you will drive him further into that mindset. It’s like poking a bear-he might say something he regrets.
Men are simple…they say what they mean-he needs time. Show how much you love him and how strong you are by respecting that and give him time. He WILL come back to you physically & emotionally when he’s ready.
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Oh thats hard having to wait till he comes back especially if you are thinking he is having an affair, but listen you do not know this yet for sure, so I would say try and keep strong for the few days. entertain those people with him when he comes back and then when they are gone, try and and not get upset and sit down and ask him how his wkd was. Just ask him, should you be worried . Ask him just to be honest with you, you need the truth at this stage whatever it is, and then you can progress to fix it it or not. I know this is very hard for you, but you dont know as I said above what exactly is going on with him, so for the moment try your best to stay calm and positive. thinking of you xxx
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Stay quiet? Watching and listening when he is with others may give hints.
I would be concerned about suicide possibilities :-\. If he is pushed, he may step over an edge if that's where he is.
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If there are money issues it might be why he is working away and doing weekend work. Perhaps he thinks he needs to take any work he can get?
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Ok, maybe think of it this way: There's currently a blockage between you and your husband, but you don't know what that blockage is. Sounds as if you're both scared of losing eachother. Interestingly, you wrote him a letter and he sent you a text. Face-to-face seems to be hard at the moment, so maybe don't expect too much from it ...
A long time ago (20 years or something) me and my husband were going through a rough patch. We were working all hours, still with not much to show. One weekend, while the kids were away, I packed my stuff and was ready to leave. I phoned his parents to say that was what was going on. His dad turned up at my door about 10 minutes later with a bottle of vodka. We sat there all afternoon going round the houses, with me talking through my problems. And I've never forgotten the advice he gave me: 'There are no solutions, only resolutions'. Nothing comes quick, everything takes time, you can plan something to move forwards, but that might get knocked off track, etc. In other words, problems don't get solved, they get worked through, and that can mean pain, regret and a bunch of other stuff. You come out the other end stronger, together and individually ... Issues can be opportunities for growth. So I'd ask yourself how you'd like to grow with your husband ...
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Clair, never ignore your gut feeling. I think this all sounds very suspicious and alarm bells would be ringing for me...lies, hiding his WhatsApp, being possessive over his phone, clearing debts for a 'fresh start' all of these are red flags galore! lf he was innocent he would have nothing to hide and would not be so defensive. I think l would be trying to gather more evidence, also be careful to protect your assets. Make sure you have some savings of your own.
Re your hormones, are you on hrt ? If not l would suggest getting some support in that direction too as Meno can play havoc with your anxiety and tendancy to overthink.
It all sounds very stressful and l feel for you.
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Hi Clair.1
Been thinking of you, hope you are holding up ok. You are stronger than you think my lovely. Hope all this works out for you , sending hugs xxx
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Hi all, I went to the doctors yesterday and I got the hrt patch so just put my first one on. As for the other issue he came home Sunday and while on his way he called and we talked for about an hour and half about how we feel and he has even said when we go Thailand we can renew our vows. The weekend was awful cried a lot and didn’t sleep I know we are both worried about the debts and selling the house. But Thailand is booked he stayed at home Monday and Tuesday and we are going away for the weekend next weekend so hopefully we can get back on track I still worry he is doing something. He shouldn’t cos again he was working away at the weekend but no invoice showing on his invoice list so very strange . I love the man to pieces and I’m not prepared to throw 27 years away I can’t so hopefully the weekend was a final whatever but then today he has said he has to go back to Newcastle but he won’t be staying over night he will be back but it may be late. And then just had my break from work and went to get a drink and he called me sexy. I don’t know what to think I just know I have to get some evidence before I know what to do but patch is on and let’s see xxx
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Hi all, I went to the doctors yesterday and I got the hrt patch so just put my first one on. As for the other issue he came home Sunday and while on his way he called and we talked for about an hour and half about how we feel and he has even said when we go Thailand we can renew our vows. The weekend was awful cried a lot and didn’t sleep I know we are both worried about the debts and selling the house. But Thailand is booked he stayed at home Monday and Tuesday and we are going away for the weekend next weekend so hopefully we can get back on track I still worry he is doing something. He shouldn’t cos again he was working away at the weekend but no invoice showing on his invoice list so very strange . I love the man to pieces and I’m not prepared to throw 27 years away I can’t so hopefully the weekend was a final whatever but then today he has said he has to go back to Newcastle but he won’t be staying over night he will be back but it may be late. And then just had my break from work and went to get a drink and he called me sexy. I don’t know what to think I just know I have to get some evidence before I know what to do but patch is on and let’s see xxx
I am so pleased you have HRT now. It can take time before you notice any improvements so hang on in there.
Debt is so scary and I can totally understand you both worrying about it. You did so well to open up and tell him how you are feeling. Maybe the holiday will help you to feel close especially as there will not be the distraction of work.
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I hope so to cos it’s been so hard with one thing and another so I hope we can get on track and be happy again xx
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I hope so to cos it’s been so hard with one thing and another so I hope we can get on track and be happy again xx
When you had the long talk, did you talk about your fears he is cheating?
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I would be cancelling both trips if I was short of money :-\
Is he using credit cards to pay for them? Going away won't make any difference to the situation, it will travel with you.
Why would he mention renewing your Vows :-\
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Yes I did I told him everything and he promised me he 100% hasn’t done anything wrong he has been working to help pay the debts off. The weekend in Aug is free cos we know the person who owns the cottage and Thailand for Xmas is a club la costa hotel and we have a fraction of a share so we basically only have to pay for three flights and when we move house the credit card debt we have will be paid off and he runs his own IT business so he has his own customers that he does computer work for and earns enough to pay for the flights. I don’t know why he mentioned the renewing of true vows but I hope he means it and wants to cos I’m still unsure but then he talks about it and has even sent emails to enquire so I don’t know all I know is I need some little hope that one he isn’t seeing anyone else and two we can get through this. And really hope we do xxx
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Yes I did I told him everything and he promised me he 100% hasn’t done anything wrong he has been working to help pay the debts off. The weekend in Aug is free cos we know the person who owns the cottage and Thailand for Xmas is a club la costa hotel and we have a fraction of a share so we basically only have to pay for three flights and when we move house the credit card debt we have will be paid off and he runs his own IT business so he has his own customers that he does computer work for and earns enough to pay for the flights. I don’t know why he mentioned the renewing of true vows but I hope he means it and wants to cos I’m still unsure but then he talks about it and has even sent emails to enquire so I don’t know all I know is I need some little hope that one he isn’t seeing anyone else and two we can get through this. And really hope we do xxx
I am so glad you were able to confide in your husband. You know him better then anybody and you will know if you can trust him. Maybe things will settle once you can get some of the debts paid off. I really hope so.
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Thanks you and thank you everyone for all the advise been a long few months but hopefully things will get better. I still have doubts and if I get evidence then he will be getting it but if it is all innocent then I will definitely make it up to him. I know we have both been under a lot of stress and he even said we have neglected each other so that’s why we are having the weekend away and he said phones off and just me and him so we will see xxxx
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With not having phones on the weekend away, you will be able to spend some quality time together. I hope you have a lovely break. :)
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I would hold hard about renewing the Vows, saving that for a more peaceful time in my Life. Is there any rush in all honesty?
U still seem to need to 'find him out'. :-\. Phones locked in safe where you are staying, mayB from the time U arrive until you check out?
Hopefully you can both open new routes for conversations. Perhaps put 2 hours to one side each week for an update. Have the outgoing/incoming Bank Statements to hand - we get paper ones as we requested them.
There is also the wooden spoon method: a completely independent person has the spoon which he/she hands to the person needing to speak. 5 mins with no interruptions other unless the person wants a moment to jot down notes. A short time out, then the spoon is handed over for responses ........ focusses on the topic in hand.
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hi clair 1,
Im so happy you put your first patch on. it takes a little while to really work so give it some time. Sounds like you have made progress and seem more settled with your husband. All I say is dont ignore your gut instinct, if you do find proof and he is seeing someome else, it dosen't mean your marriage cannot get through this obviously if he is remorseful and it is over with this person. I understand 27 years is a long time, sometimes something like this can be a wake up call and make a marriage stronger.
best of luck with it all xxx
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Thank you I hope so we book the renewal yesterday but he is taking his time making excuses to pay the deposit but we will see he has been at home a lot this week but he said he has to go back to Newcastle Monday but he won’t be staying over again we will see I still have my doubts and I do think something was or still is going on I don’t know but I will follow my instincts and if I find something hopefully it’s not the end but if there has been someone else I don’t think I will be able to trust him again xxxx