Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Nellie Noo on June 27, 2022, 07:14:00 PM
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After 30 years married, and a total of 40 years together, we are having serious problems . Has anybody else found that menopause has given them a clarity that they didn't have before .?? Am seriously thinking at 58 years of age of divorce , which will be extremely messy financially and we will have to sell the house, that i love. But dont know whether i can carry on , feeling so stressed . X
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I am sorry to hear this Nellie Noo. I know that menopause can make some women totally go off their partners and for many it is temporary. Is it possible for you to have a break from each other or even try marriage counselling?
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So sorry Nellie Noo,how horrible for you :'(
I agree with Flossie though,be careful it's not just meno making you feel like this, I funnily enough was speaking to a friend on here today about my OH driving me up the wall, I mean REALLY bugging me, I could've stormed off quite easily but I know menopause makes me feel like this, I think we all need alone time,it's so important.
Have you felt this way for a while,what does he say?
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Thank you for your kind words ladies x
I have felt like this for a few years now but it seems to have reached a head now. We are now very different people wanting different things, and although i have tried to reason that yes , I'm under going a shift in my hormones and all that brings i cant get past some of the hurt and anger for things hes said and done ..and on top of that hes so bloody irritating and selfish . I do have a lot of alone time and frankly i need it . Just need to make a decision whether to suck it up or part ways . But im terrified of making a massive mistake x
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I think he would be led by what i decide . And no marriage counselling would be a no no ….he just wouldn't do it . 😔
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I'm sorry you feel this way. I would urge caution. It may be it's the right thing for you but you need to be certain the way you feel is genuine and not because of meno. I could have walked away, if it wasn't that DD was too young to leave I probably would have done. Now on hrt and feeling more like 'me' again I'm so glad I didn't, he's my soulmate. I would never have considered it if I'd been myself but meno plays havoc with your emotions as well as everything else. I think when we feel rotten we lose the capacity to be tolerant of others in the way we normally are. The only other time I came close to doing something quite so stupid was when I had post natal depression.
You've been together a long time so perhaps worth trying to save it before you walk away. Could you tell him how you feel and see if you can work it out between you? Or at least see if he's willing to make some changes to make you happier. Does he realise he hurt or is he oblivious?
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Check your money situation first B4 making any decisions.
Think about why you got together and how you have both altered down the years.
Do U feel valued? Do U feel safe? How much has Covid impacted on the differences between you?
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Hello Nellie Noo,
I was in a very similar situation and he noticed that something was wrong for a while. At some point he said he had enough and that he decided he wanted a divorce. Only then I realized that the things we share and have in common are very valuable to me and that I would rather put up with our differences than lose our relationship. But that's me and I don't know what your circumstances are. After that realization I stopped taking him for granted and focusing just on negativity. I also took a deep look into myself and what I am really like in the relationship.
I hope that you will be able to review your situation and make a right decision, but take time, imagine what your life would be on your own and see if you would like it. Maybe he would be able to talk to you and understand how you feel and possibly change if he knew how serious this is?
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I would agree with the others ladies that menopausal can change your feelings. For me it wasn’t my husband but my parents.
I got extremely angry with them and a lot of past hurts made me angry, like me being molested. Where were they, they were getting drunk while I was being attacked. I tried telling my mum about 15 years ago, she just got upset and refused to speak about it again. I tried a couple of years ago to both parents they kept talking like they didn’t hear me. I got angry with what they say, the fact they never go anywhere, but if I take them they will go. They missed my daughter play after three years of uni. And so on, but now I’m on amitriptyline for headaches and facial pain, but used to be a antidepressant.
I’m feeling like my old self again. And I let go of all the pain and just accept that the way my parents are, a pain in the butt and that’s the way they are.
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To all you ladies that have taken the time and effort to post … thank you so much x
I have read all your replies and am grateful for all the wisdom and advice. Its so hard when you are in emotional pain to sometimes see the woods from the trees ! Im going to take a deep breath and pause for a while and try to collect my thoughts. Im on my own for a while now as he's gone to his boat in france again . ( i have no interest in sailing and i certainly couldnt do the heat ) but I'm hurt because he's invited people from our neighbourhood to join him that he knows i don't like . I know that sounds incredibly selfish but there is one woman joining ( with her husband) for a week that he knows i dislike because she is a gossip and has a lot to say about everyone . And I'm an extremely private person . Cant even believe I'm writing this post ! All he says is that I am wrong about her and i should make more of an effort. Anyways, this is amongst a lot of other stuff he has said and done that has caused immense upset not just to me .. but one of my sons.
The problem is i know hes not going to change .. its whether i can put up with it , after all these years 😔 I do think on some level that losing my hormones has made me look at him differently x
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To all you ladies that have taken the time and effort to post … thank you so much x
I have read all your replies and am grateful for all the wisdom and advice. Its so hard when you are in emotional pain to sometimes see the woods from the trees ! Im going to take a deep breath and pause for a while and try to collect my thoughts. Im on my own for a while now as he's gone to his boat in france again . ( i have no interest in sailing and i certainly couldnt do the heat ) but I'm hurt because he's invited people from our neighbourhood to join him that he knows i don't like . I know that sounds incredibly selfish but there is one woman joining ( with her husband) for a week that he knows i dislike because she is a gossip and has a lot to say about everyone . And I'm an extremely private person . Cant even believe I'm writing this post ! All he says is that I am wrong about her and i should make more of an effort. Anyways, this is amongst a lot of other stuff he has said and done that has caused immense upset not just to me .. but one of my sons.
The problem is i know hes not going to change .. its whether i can put up with it , after all these years 😔 I do think on some level that losing my hormones has made me look at him differently x
It is hard when in emotional pain. I think during menopause we need more support then ever from our partners. I too would be hurt if my partner invited people away whom I did not like. I do not think it is silly for being upset about that. I am a very private person too. I avoid anybody who gossips.
Would it be an option for you to have counselling alone? I was thinking it may help you put your thoughts in order and work out how you feel.
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Flossieteacake …thank you . this occurred to me this morning, that i might need to talk it out with someone on my own so i can get my thoughts in a straight line . Thank you, you have just made me seriously consider that now . I am at the doctors tomorrow .. for a review of hrt and unexplained bleeding .. i might just ask . X
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Flossieteacake …thank you . this occurred to me this morning, that i might need to talk it out with someone on my own so i can get my thoughts in a straight line . Thank you, you have just made me seriously consider that now . I am at the doctors tomorrow .. for a review of hrt and unexplained bleeding .. i might just ask . X
It is worth a try. I hope the waiting list it not too long.
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Thank you 🥰
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Thank you 🥰
My pleasure. :)
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He's going to his hobby is 1 issue: taking others is another. Do U worry about him with her? I would be pleased if DH took people that I have no connection with or who I simply don't like (long story short) but not if there's a particular woman!
Keep a diary of your feelings. See how your finances stack up. What would you do alone, do you have hobbies etc.? The question that the Psychologist would ask in a similar situation to your own, is "how would you feel if he/she dropped dead tonight?" No need to reply, it's your gut reaction that drives the next step.
....... and breath.
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CLKD thank you . Food for thought ! Just cant think straight today .. i definitely need someone to talk to ! 🥰
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Have U always lived separate lives i.e. hobbies? We have been joined at the hip since the 1st night we went out :-* - we don't take separate holidays, I go along when he is at his hobbies etc.. I've also learnt to say 'not coming' when it suits me ;)
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I think we all change as we age so the things we valued in our 20s and 30s are very different to those we value in or 50s and 60s, and its the same with friends, so it's really not surprising that we change our minds about our spouses too. We can love someone but not like them or have anything in common with them, and we have to decide whether we're happy to live together but separately. I've always encouraged OH to have interests that don't involve me, as well as shared interests, but I would be a bit upset if he went away with people I really disliked. That said if they are really interested in boating and it is a genuine shared interest then it would be less of an issue because I'd know he wasn't just trying to annoy me.
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I agree getting_old,we can love someone very much,then ,just not,it does happen,it's not a crime and if feelings change,then it's time to do something about it,I never say anything negative if you hear of a marriage break up,it's nobody's fault. Good luck on what you decide Nellie Noo
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getting _ old and jaypo … thank you for your comments . No these people are not into sailing really, hes invited them for the company 🤷♀️
I have taken on board what you have just said , and if I'm totally honest , yes , after all these years of course i care about him ,but i dont think i love him anymore . He's so irritating and selfish .. and im sick of having to explain stuff to him for him to turn round and tell me im either too deep or being ridiculous ! Menopause is hard enough without having to deal with a husband that is hard work ! We are very different people now and this is the problem…. i think xx
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What do you think you'll do? When I left my previous partner, I had money behind me and a house ready for me to move to,it wasn't easy even then but I knew I had to leave,my feelings were turning into hatred and it's not a nice feeling, I hope you resolve it xx
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I would say tnx to getting_old ;-)
I would suggest taking care of you. He seems to have his Life sorted ........ what else that you may have 'done together' no longer happens? MayB have a lookC at rental prices in your area etc., do you have pets to move too? Landlords will soon not be able to refuse pets ...... I'm not sure that I agree with it because I've seen damage done !!
How is his mood on his return? I have a scientific husband who contradicts everything that I suggest !! even twisting my words ........ he is too logical, probably slightly autistic: when I read something from the Press or make a suggestion he will have the opposite answer! However.
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It sounds like you care about him, which is understandable as you've been together for a long time, however you no longer like him because you've both changed over the years. You say that over the years he's caused immense upset and you know he's not going to change, so you can either decide if you want more of the same, or you want to try something different, which of course is the scary option. Sometimes I think it's the fear of the unknown that makes us stay in our comfort zone. Do you want to stay and either try to be together or to live separate lives, or do you think you'd be happier without him? Easy to write, but extremely hard to decide :bighug:
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No one deserves to be abused or ignored.
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Therein lies the problem .. do i stay and accept what he is and deal with it or go and lose everything we have built up and be on my own ? And yes its the fear of the unknown . Not nice at 57 😔
my emotions are running high and i cant think clearly until the emotions calm down . So im going to wait until he returns and try to thrash it through … literally and in my head as well . I cannot express how grateful i am for all your kindness and understanding ladies . Im so private normally but felt safe on this forum to vent . There is one thing though that i do understand and its that stress is a hateful thing . I have felt so stressed these last few weeks and its starting to show through my body . Aches and pains have kicked off , my stomach is like a washing machine and sleep .. hell whats that ?!?! 😘
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Do let us know Nellie Noo,we'll all be thinking about you for sure.
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🥰🥰😘
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Definitely not nice. I'd suggest thinking through your options and deciding what you want before you discuss it with him, then maybe asking him how he feels and what he wants. It doesn't have to be a straight stay or go decision as I know couples who have stayed together because it made financial sense but have lived varying degrees of separate lives. In one case just taking separate holidays to suit their tastes, whilst in another they split the house into two.
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"How was your break? Is the boat OK?"
Then sit and listen, if indeed he is interested in sharing. Get a feel for his mood after his return ......... then hit him with it ;-).
MayB writing a letter would be easier? What ever - let us know.
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Hello Nellie Noo.
I am a long time member of MM and don't always come on line.
Tonight I saw your post sweetie and it resonated with me, I had a marriage in dire straights back in 2012 as I hit the menopause and my MH was spiralling. At the time I used relate on line services and we did attend couples counselling. In 2014 I packed and walked out as he returned from a week away...god knows where!.
It was a period of intense fear for me, I had told the bank / mort I was going and I frozen my name on the joint account. I found a place to rent aged 51 and took my son aged 16 with me. Now some 8 years on It was the best decision every I found myself once more had new hobbies, friends, jobs, brought houses alone and in 2018 met my soulmate that is now my husband.
If Ì can support you in anyway please say......look after you first and foremost
Ms Peak x
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Thank you so much for this .. i really am blown away by the kindness and heartfelt advice i have been given on this forum . This morning im in a mess , and feel like my metal health is rock bottom. I dont even know if i feel angry anymore , just sad . This has given me hope that even at my age there is still a life for me outside this marriage .. if thats what i decide
. Thank you ms peak x
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U R grieving. Go with your feelings.
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It might be an idea to make a note of the finances before he knows you may walk and tries to hide things - bank accounts, investments and don't forget the pension. You could get the house valued so will know if you can afford to buy somewhere else with your share. If you will have to rent do some research on it, in most parts of the country there are more renters than property available. Do you have a close friend you could talk it through with? Though a counsellor may give a more independent view.
There's nothing intrinsically wrong with separate hobbies and you don't have to like each other's friends but the time you do spend together has to be good enough it outweighs any negatives.
I wish you well whatever you decide.
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Of course there is life for you outside of your marriage. You are not happy right now so I would not say that is a good quality of life. I think change can be so scary and we often think of staying in an unhappy marriage due to fear of change and also thinking we will be lonely. I think an unhappy relationship can be one of the most loneliest feelings there is.
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Hi Nellie Noo.
I so agree with the advise of the previous comments today. Before I left I check all bills ...in fact kindly wrote a list for him as he had never paid a bill! I took legal advice and I also had the house valued....it was all necessary measures.
Personally I could no longer lives the unhappiness I had. Grieving post marriage is a natural process too.
I wish you well in the decisions you make and be happy xx
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When I left my ex, I told him he HAD to buy me out,re the house,it was that or put it on the market,he bought me out,it was done fairly swiftly and the day I signed it over and had the money in the bank,was the day I left.
It CAN be done Nellie Noo,it's scary but if I hadn't left when I did,it would've destroyed me,we did try the "sharing" of the house and living the separate lives but it was a nightmare so so awkward
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Good morning Nellie Noo.
Is it ok to ask how you are doing ?
Big hugs
Ms Peak xx
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Am ok ….thank you so much for asking . He returns on Wednesday , and i am determined not to get drawn in with arguing or having any disagreements . I haven't missed him at all and if I'm honest I'm not looking forward to seeing him either. He's been texting my youngest son and alluding to what a fabulous time hes been having while I've been feeling all these awful emotions !!!
And literally trying to figure out how to go forward !! I feel like I'm married to a man child !! I have decided to speak to a relationship counsellor .. albeit on my own and see what that brings . Xxx
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Hi Nellie noo,
Hope you don’t mind my input. Firstly, man-child - I totally get that.
I’ve been married 42 years and have had chronic ill health throughout. When I met my husband he was kind, loving, very hard working, very outgoing always the first to party etc whereas I was the quiet one. Even now if I’m out without him people don’t recognise me. In the marriage I did the worrying and all the boring stuff - money, bills, problems - he did nothing like that, partly my fault as i liked to be in control of something in my life.
7 years ago catastrophic surgical complications during hysterectomy left me disabled, he changed or maybe I saw a different side. He became resentful of my illness and the restraints it put on him, he suddenly had to help with all the boring stuff and boy did he complain . I wanted him to drop anchor and be there for me and in many ways he was, but there was no empathy. Mind you my disability is rare and a nightmare - no holidays, sex or meals together - very long story.
I’ve considered leaving as I no longer need a man-child, I want to be looked after now. Like you , the thought terrifies me . We still have some nice times, we laugh sometimes until we cry, he’s great with our grandchildren, still kind and generous, but no empathy , no emotional connection - it’s sometimes very lonely in a house full of noise, his noise.
We are working through, he is trying to change. But as I worry about my next op which may well kill me he’s planning a rugby tour with his mates. I don’t get that .
Thinking of you , please let us know how things go. It’s easier to stay than walk in many ways but life really is too short to be unhappy all the time x do you ever feel content with life, with him ?
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Oh my,it's all so sad,groundhog, I feel for you too. It's ok our opinions on here but in reality it's not all cut and dry. I'm all for people working at a relationship BUT sometimes it's best just to end it,for OUR sake,my ex was also a man child and I got sick of speaking to him like a child, I wanted a man,it's so demoralising and I think unless you've been in that situation it's difficult to understand how awful it can be. I hope you both can work it out x
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As an aside groundhog - if he can afford a rugby tour then I can afford to pay privately for health care ;-).
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Hello Nellie Noo.
To the other ladies I know on here too.
Honestly I have been there in all your shoes to some degree. My first ex physically hurt me, to young and scared back then to see a way out until my DS now angel was born and I switched on my light.... threw the pig out and lived happily with DS aged 2 for 3 years.
Met and married again to who seemed a charming guy, two children DS and DD I worked hard as a nurse, did all home finances at his request! Ended up being his work horse doing quite literally everything....huh I walked after 16 years and dusted down, brought n sold properties I renovated for 7 years, DS eldest passed 6 months after leaving dad to my youngest 2 and ruddy well enjoyed my life, happy and settled.
Well, I then met through a mutual friend the most delightful chap who I have know for 5 years now, we got a civil partnership earlier this year, didn't want to do a third marriage as such....I am treated like a princess and he is my total soul mate....never say never but hey if I can do it anyone can.Next year I see 60.
Big hugs
Ms Peaks x
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Well done Mrs Peak. It's been hard work for you!
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Ms peak …Sounds like you have had a well deserved happy ending . Thank you for your honesty in telling your story . You sound an amazingly strong woman to have come through what you have . As do you groundhog . I just feel a big weeping mess . I know i have to address this mess of a marriage but don't know where I'm going to find the strength . I feel rage anger tearfulness and sadness at the moment and a total inability to think clearly. I have had a look at the relate website so maybe i can start there . So many kind compassionate women on this forum …. Xxx
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Ms peak …Sounds like you have had a well deserved happy ending . Thank you for your honesty in telling your story . You sound an amazingly strong woman to have come through what you have . As do you groundhog . I just feel a big weeping mess . I know i have to address this mess of a marriage but don't know where I'm going to find the strength . I feel rage anger tearfulness and sadness at the moment and a total inability to think clearly. I have had a look at the relate website so maybe i can start there . So many kind compassionate women on this forum …. Xxx
I think Relate is a brilliant idea. They really understand relationships. I actually had one session myself, a long time ago.
You do not have to make any decisions now or put pressure on yourself. The counselling will allow you to make sense of everything.
Your emotions are so understandable. You are going through such a lot.
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Relate is a really good idea. Just out of intereste do you have any idea what he's thinking Nellie Noo? Do you think he'd want to try to save your marriage if he knew how unhappy you were?
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He seems totally ambivalent ! He agrees we have problems but is prepared to , in his words … . Let me lead the way ! I don't think on any level he realises the hurt he causes .. there is definitely a lacking of emotional intelligence, and a sheer cant be bothered attitude which really upsets me ! Like Im not worth it . I do try and understand that he has a lot of stress at work but who doesn't these days . Am being civil because at 57 i cant bear any more tension or arguments but need to definately talk to someone . Thanks for listening
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Nellie Noo.
We are here always to listen, support and help you. Sounds like my ex, the Relate counsellor said to me in a 1on1 session if I wished to remain married....at the time I had huge anxiety issues and ended up off work.....my response to her was no I don't feel I wish to remain married.
For me it was onwards n upwards but of course we are all different.
Goodluck with your choices,
Ms Peak xx
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This was my ex too Nellie,he seemed quite happy plodding along KNOWING I didn't love him but he thought I'd NEVER leave,I mean ,how could I? (Or so he thought) it is a very selfish attitude some of these men have and mentally cruel.Like Mrs Peak,when I DID leave,it was onwards and upwards,yes it was scary but so was the thought of the rest of my life being miserable. Xx
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My son thinks he's a low level narcissist …whatever that is ?!?!
There is definitely a lot of issues that i need to address .. and yes on some level I'm scared to leave. Hormone hell doesnt help . 😘
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Hi Nellie Noo.
My ex was a narssasist too...mean, malipulative man. Don't get me started on the stories he told my DD why I left, she stayed with him and now has a substance addiction- story for another time.
My younger son 16 at the time was my tower of strength to make a better life for us both and we suceeded beautifully.
Be happy in life
Ms Peak xx
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I think a lot of men are happy for their wives to take the lead and will just accept things the way they are until those things change, then they just accept the new ways. It's that way with OH and was the same with all of the men I've worked with. Most of them had moved straight from their parents home to the marital home so always had someone looking after them, and as women we tend to naturally look after them, like another child!
You've said that he's said / done some nasty things, and you say that your son is saying he's a narcissist, so getting some support from Relate to talk things through is a really good idea. You never know if things will be better or worse, but as the saying goes "it's better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't". Whether you stay or go things are going to be tough, but as Ms Peak says things can succeed beautifully.
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Thank you getting_old . 😘
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Hi Nellie Noo.
You popped into my thoughts today so I just want to say hello and do hope your keeping ok.
Big hugs
Ms Peaks x
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She has left.