Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: CLKD on June 30, 2021, 01:45:16 PM
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When I was 5 or 6: I must have been at School which I hated: I had a birthday invitation for a Friday evening at a posh hotel. I told the neighbour and Mum over heard me: "No one has a party on a Friday it's always a Sat." Dad and I set off in his Austin 7 on the Sat. , me in a white frilly dress with thick pink sash, white ankle socks and shoes. Got to the Hotel and it was oh, so quiet :-\. The party had been on the Friday evening. When we got home Mum had the excuse "I put the invitation into the fire after you had gone". Did she know? Did she read the card and realise ....... I will never 4give her. That incidence gave me a dread of ever being 'wrong' for an appt., so I check, double check etc.
I can't remember whether Dad was angry at her. She never said 'sorry'.
I did get invited to the girl's house, but that was an ordeal. I remember the house being very dark, we had a small party but they made more fuss of me than of S. To ease my disappointment I was taken to the stables to pat their horses ........... again the stable was very dark .........
I've lived in the moment since very young so have very little recall 4 events. I can enjoy myself but not even remember much the following morning. So taking me anywhere is a bit of a waste of time, mostly due to fighting anxiety.
Many issues during growing up are hidden - due to keeping my head well down when adults argued etc.. Survival means that I am quite introverted to others' feelings, particularly when growing up. I probably hurt others a great deal when I walked away from situations, i.e. not telling a boyfriend that it was over ......... not keeping my promise to a girl friend between Primary and 2ndary School. 4 over 30 years I forgot, now these events haunt me because I can't say 'sorry' :-\
Sports Day - in the school that I hated. Mum told me to wait at the gate and not get onto the bus so I did. She had pushed my sister in the pram the 2.5 miles to watch, I hadn't noticed that she had left early. Apparently my sister was quite poorly so must have been about 18-19 months old. I stood. Waited. Stood ...... no Mum with pram. I can't remember how I got home, ? did Dad collect me later ? - she hadn't thought to tell a teacher about the alterations: and she being a teacher :bang: :bang: :bang: My sister did survive.
She allowed my sister to bully me. I do a lot of crosswords and to continue with the grid, I peep at the answers. My sister would go and tell "X is cheating" and instead of giving her a flea in her ear, Mum would tell me to 'stop cheating'. If there was a row "You are the oldest, you should know better!" ........
Bugga .....
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Sorry to hear that you are recalling some of the difficult moments in your childhood CLKD. However it sounds like you are aware of the impact of these on how you are now.
"4 over 30 years I forgot, now these events haunt me because I can't say 'sorry' "
You can't go back, that's true, but you have remembered them and you know that you regret them. To me that's the important thing. How can we be perfect as children? We all make mistakes. I can think of things I said and did that I regret - but I was a child.
If you can try to look forward rather than back and if necessary see is there anything or any situation you would approach differently now or if a similar situation occurs as an adult?
Or as you say - live in the moment rather than the past - being present is quite a good philosophy - though from time to time some future planning is required even if only going out the next day or hanging the washing out!
I'm not really an expert on these things (!) but just thought I'd answer your post.
Hurdity x
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Morning. It's how I buried a lot of issues from very early on ............. as a survival tactic though I wasn't aware at the time. There are 2 people I was in school with that I would like to apologise to, however, they may have forgotten the incidents but I worry that a) I may have scarred them and b) if I mention it now, it would drag up memories . If that makes any sense :-\
Even the times I have been nasty to DH makes me cringe and feel weepy ........... I can be really sharp at times.
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:hug: CLKD xxx
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Oh CLKD.....I felt really choked when I read that and my heart broke for that 'little girl'. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I had many sessions of therapy in my forties/early fifties relating to my childhood. One thing I vividly remember was the therapist asking me what I would say to the 'little' Jean if she was in the room now. Such a question but it profoundly moved me....I said I would hug her tightly and tell her she would come through this....she is a survivor. Out of everything that question stuck in my mind...it can still move me to tears....but I find it comforting. If I'm having a bad patch these days I 'hug' that little me.
I can also relate to being "sharp". I developed a very sarcastic sense of humour....I deflected feelings I couldn't cope with. I've learned over the years to try and let brain engage before mouth because I know I've hurt too many people with my sharp tongue. I'm still a work in progress! I no longer beat myself up about it now but I will apologise immediately if I realise I've hurt somebody. I can't go back to apologise so all I can do is be the best I can moving forward.
I'm reminded of that poem by Philip Larkin......" they f*** you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had....and add some extra just for you"
Be kind to you.
Jean x
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:thankyou: every1.
What would I say to that little girl - probably not a lot as memories were fast buried at the time. I have a loving husband, his parents were great and I was surrounded by 'normal' people, some who could see what was happening. 1 confirmed to me 5-6 years ago how she had noted my mother's preference to my younger sister, how my younger sister was allowed to bully me when Dad wasn't around to C. I loved her a lot as I felt safe when we stayed there.
Engage brain B4 mouth - I can so relate ;D. ........ and breath?
I never felt neglected in personal care. It's the little in between issues that have emerged in recent years.
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Sometimes it's the little inbetween issues that hurt the most .....even an innocuous remark. I remember when my first marriage broke down,.his drinking was starting to affect our children and I couldn't bear that. I told my mum that I had made an appointment to see a solicitor to begin separation proceedings. She said "don't forget to tell him that your father was also an alcoholic and how badly it affected your brother"......d'uh! what about me!? I lived through it too. I was gutted but it wasn't until much later I asked her about why she said that. She said I was always so strong...that she didn't think it had affected me so much. My strength was the fact that even from a young age I tried to protect my mum and older brother. It's also my weakness because even now I have great difficulty asking for help for myself. Life eh! Always a learning process. :-\
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OH! I had similar from my Mum when I confessed to being depressed >:( [written in My Depression thread or what ever I called it]
I think that parents try to make their babies into something that we will never be as we are each individual B4 we are born. But they want us to conform ......... and get angry when we try to be 'ourselves'. I think that educators, i.e. midwives, should explain that parents are there to tend and guide, listen and sometimes they have to accept.
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I tend to agree....parenting doesn't come naturally to some. I grew up in the shadow of my older brother....my mum was never 'bad' to me but I always knew where I was in the pecking order. They say Irish mammies keep their sons testicles in their handbags.. :) my mum certainly did! Our nickname for him in later years was The Messiah. To his credit it never came between him and I and we are really close....even though he lives in Madrid and I don't get to see him often. Ironically my mum and I ended up really close...I was her carer for the last 12 years of her life. Even then big bro was the golden child cos he visited once a year. I learned not to take offence and when mum died there was nothing left unsaid between us.
Jean x
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That's lovely to hear. The 'golden child' ........... can be anywhere in the hierarchy but the others are soon aware !!! My mother is narcissistic ........
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No words, just a big hug for you, CLKD 🌹
Alicess X
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Gosh CLKD.....that is a whole other ball game. Narcissists are practically impossible to deal with. :'(
Jean x
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I really feel for you clkd. Also a big hug x
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Tnx. Narcissism is a whole topic on it's own, 1 that I find fascinating. It was put into the 'diagnostic' scheme [not the word I'm look for :-\] until the 1980s. My sister is the same.
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Could there be something in the genetics in that case? Something missed somewhere along the line which would be par for the course with your mother's generation? On the other hand, your mother has perhaps "modelled" for your sister which she has absorbed as appropriate, something "learned" rather than inherited. Certainly a complex dynamic! 💚
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That depends on who my sister's father might be ;) ::)
I do wonder if in Mum's case it was for survival. Sister, brother, 11 months later she was born, 4 years later a brother. She was the 1 to leave home and get a job away. The others stayed around the village where they were raised.
A form of control within a large family which became a habit - not enough is known about the condition as it's difficult to diagnose.
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There are several threads mentioning narsacistic mothers on the Forum.
It took me years to realise as stated in 'My Mum' thread which is long and involved ::) basically she took up with another man 14 months after Dad died, a few years later when he was embedded, she began to moan to me about him in exactly the same ways as she did about Dad. For years I've had flashbacks and realise more and more that it was her goading that made him fly into rages.
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I hadn't seen this thread before so thank you for bumping it. I totally understand a lot of what you said, as I too have people I would like to say sorry to. For 18 years my mother brainwashed me into thinking she was the perfect person. She controlled everything I did, and it took a long time for me to stop being what she created. There are times when I say or do what she trained me to do, but I recognise it and take a step back and behave like a decent person instead.
Interestingly as a young child I knew her way was wrong, and sometimes said things that showed that, and those are my earliest memories. Unfortunately those comments meant she increased her control and brainwashing so as a teenager I was what she wanted me to be. Now I celebrate being the complete opposite to her.
I'm sure there are many reasons why mothers behave as they do. In my case my mother was a spoilt only child whose mother positively encouraged her to be the person she was. In return my mother claimed she'd had the perfect childhood with the perfect mother!
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Many in the animal world chase their children away ;D. Even chimps have an often violent heirachial system :-\.
We noticed at Easter that Mum was in a spiral of control because she pretended to be asleep but kept looking up at me ......... I didn't engage, DH told me after. Pulled the wool over many a professional's eyes over the years. :-\