Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Padine on February 26, 2021, 01:09:03 PM
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Sorry, I can't find my previous post entitled "Loveless marriage" but Mr P will soon be in from digging his garden and I need to ask help with this asap. We had a huge falling-out yesterday and he said things too personal to repeat but something has snapped in me and I realise I don't like him any more. I know some readers will say Covid brings out the worst in couples etc...etc... and I get that but his behaviour this morning has made me feel I want as much space away from him as possible. I'm not sure if I should move into our spare room - it's smaller, no bathroom and no heating till I turn the radiator on (it will go on full blast) but there's peace there and I can read for as long as I want to, get up when I want to and no whisky fumes.
Here he comes, thanks xx
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Hi Padine
I’m so sorry to hear how unhappy you are. I too had a similar moment in my marriage. My ex was horrible, and after one especially nasty outburst from him, I thought,
“Not one more day”
I removed myself to another part of the house, and it felt like a huge Boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I never regretted my decision, life improved dramatically for me after that.
I hope you are okay , just do what’s right for you
D xx
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Do it and see how you feel?
You are worth more than 'words' which can sting! People do get into habits with arguments, the same issues get raised and never solved.
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I did the same with my ex,totally separate lives but it's not a great way to live and we still argued all the time,he came home from work,ate,went up to his room while I stayed downstairs,then separate beds,it wasn't great but I couldn't stand him and couldn't bear to be in the same room as him,so I do know how you feel,you need out Padine,living like that is horrendous
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I feel it’s all my fault and I’m a lazy person. I don’t Hoover every day, he’s always up first and blames me for him “having to lie awake till 8.15 so as do what he’s told by not getting up to early. He didn’t/won’t listen to me about the menopause, came to the GP last year to ask about the various pills I’m on (statin, HRT, beta blockers, meds for trigeminal neuralgia, tramadol (at the time, no longer now) he calls them drugs as they do make me sleepy. GP was. gem saying I need that amount and am bound to feel drowsy with them.
Just been accused of leaving pans soaking in the sink for days (it’s dirty pans with the usual food deposits after a meal, soaking for van hour or more) then putting them on the radiator to dry for days (electrical items like the blender, bread machine pan overnights) He has tried to talk this afternoon, but he was twisting things, accusing me of doing very little, being lazy as I refuse to go for a walk with him. Thanks for listening xx
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Life is far too short to hoover every day! And if he doesn't like to a pan soaking is there any reason he can't wash it himself? You sound fed up with it all. When you don't feel well sometimes it's just too much effort. How does he feel about the marriage? Is he prepared to make some changes so you can both be happy? Perhaps you should take financial advice so you know where you stand if you split. Also investigate counselling. It might help you come to a decision one way or the other. Living in the same house but not as a couple is unlikely to be a good solution.
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Marriage should be a partnership where 1 takes up the slack if necessary or accepts that things aren't done every day? I put metal items on the radiators to dry, sometimes for days ::). We both wash up .......... we both hoover. But it isn't essential 2 our daily happiness if there are things we would rather do.
My Dad was fine unless Mum was poorly ...... he would go into a panic and get really ratty :-\ :'(. If she was ill he never looked after her, not even a hot water bottle :-\.
Think about what was said recently? No one is perfect. But being slagged off ain't what marriage is about?
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Like sheila says,life is too short for doing housework every day,if he's not happy about it then hand him the hoover and explain how tired you are,if he's done listening to your ailments then you have problems,when I was poorly my OH (now)couldn't do enough for me and he works long long hours,if you can't work it out together then ask if he'd seek counselling together if not then I'm afraid it's a slippery slope,clkd is right,marriage is a partnership and he should be there for you,we all argue with our OHs or don't see eye to eye at times but we compromise. Don't do as I did padine and live like that,it nearly destroyed me,crying myself to sleep at nights,longing to be happy,DO SOMETHING xx
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Thanks again for all your sensible and helpful replies. I don’t want to leave my lovely home and we have talked. I’ve to be more assertive and less dithering, and do things to please ME. You’re right CLKD, it’s compromise, I need to do what I want (within reason!)
Our son+daughter I-L sent us gorgeous photos of our grandsons yesterday evening and I will save my marriage.
Thanks again
Padine xx
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Why should you compromise if the partner isn't willing and calls you out?
Move into the spare room. Don't feel that you need to justify yourself. Decide how each argument 'runs' - is it similar issues each time that rile up memories so that it degenerates into shit throwing? I saw it with my parents who would go weeks without a mutter then something: same words shouted, same 'your family are below the below', 'your family are uneducated': words to hurt and to get a response. In reality none were uneducated in Life's Rich Pattern but my parents were Grammar School educated but her siblings not. So insults were thrown ........ talk about trying to score off each other >:(. It rarely works because those insults are remembered, stored and reused.
Decide that if the same issues raise their ugly heads the walk away. "This didn't solve issues last time or the time B4" and leave the room.
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I'm glad you can work it out. IMO together is better than alone as long as you can both talk and accommodate the needs of the other.
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Hi Padine ,
I’ve read about your post several times and here’s what I think.
Firstly I can see similarities with my marriage. As you know illness totally changed our life 40 years ago when I developed a few horrible diseases ( Chrons and endometriosis ) and it totally compromised our life. Six years ago things got massively worse when surgery went wrong and left me with 3 stoma bags and pretty mutilated as a woman If I’m honest. My oh retired and as I was already retired we were together 24/7. Disaster. He became bored and resentful , not of me he says, but our situation , he was no carer, he needed some excitement in his life, he hated routine and humdrum.......
We have the most awful days and then we have lovely days. I am moody and can change from morning to night. If he’s working ( he’s gone back part time) he’s fine, boredom is his enemy. He’s either 100 miles an hour or very lazy. He can be controlling and very irritating, we’ve thought about splitting up. But we’ve been together 42 years so it’s a massive life change. When we argue, he is upset and we talk. We did have couple counselling and it helped because we could talk without one of us storming off or shouting and saying horrible things.
It’s so difficult when you are in this situation, not bad enough to leave but not good enough to say all is well. I think as you are still talking that’s a plus point, does he seem remorseful ? Does he realise what he said was unacceptable and very very hurtful ?
I’ve also got grandchildren, a good supportive family and a home I love so I know how hard it is to massively upset the Apple cart as my dad used to say. But deep down you know what your gut is telling you and I feel at the moment it’s keep at it . With me there are certain things where the line would be crossed and I know at that point I would walk xx
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Hi Padine
I to have had marriage issues for years, well enough is enough, hes done nothing but throw insults at me, shouting and swearing, hes going to knock the F****** bedroom door down.
Its been 35 years, so im done, trying to get a divorce,
Im living in my bedroom.
I hope you can sort it out.
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How horrible for you ladies that are stuck like this, I feel so sad. It is so difficult for women to break free from situations like this,especially as we age but it's not impossible, I was lucky that I met my now OH by chance on FB and have now been in a happy marriage for 8 years.I do hope you find a resolve as living separate lives in the same house is not healthy :'(
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There's nothing, absolutely nothing lonelier than living in a building that was once a home where the love has gone.
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Thanks Ladies.
I think i have taken this post, my apologies, it was not my intention, its just as i can relate to it.
I have applied for a Non Molestation order, its with the court now, he has somewher to go, i do not.
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Contact a womens' refuge for advice. Knowledge is power.
Often men want out so they cause mayhem as they don't know how to confront the issue!
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HiDone that.NCDV are much more helpful.
Thank you..
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NCDV being a Charity?
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Yes
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Well, i too am in this predicament, i just dont love him anymore and want to be single, but terrified of making the move.
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Get information so that you have knowledge on which to make your decision?
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Do you work Vikki? Before my now OH came along I was looking to go from part time to full time work so I could afford a 1 bedroom flat with my daughter but sadly the older we get the harder it is.
The other option is staying with someone and putting your name down for a council house but it all takes time,it was NEVER an option for me to go to a refuge,I couldn't have handled that
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It’s not that Jaypo, i work, i have money, i just don’t want to hurt him, which he obviously will be, as he has no idea.
I worry way too much about other peoples feelings, rather than my own x
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Hello ladies
My neighbour is in a similar position and I wish I knew how to help her. There is no violence or abuse but she tells me that they are either arguing or not talking. Lockdown hasn't helped as he is working from home and she is there most of the time, her only income is from a part time job. I asked her if things have become worse since their two sons recently left home to go to university but she said she's been unhappy for a long time.
It seems so unfair, they are both unhappy but he has a good job and can manage financially but goodness knows what she will do. She gave up work to raise their sons and only did part time work when they were older. Now they are twenty one and nineteen they are away studying but I am sure they would want a home to come back to at some stage.
I told her that she could come and live in our spare room but obviously she wants a more suitable solution!
I am the only person she has confided in over the years and of course I've never betrayed her confidence so if they do split up it will be a shock to everyone who knows them because they appear to be a happy family.
I hope everyone in a similar situation can find a way through it all.
Wishing you all well.
K.
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Vikki - he may be looking for a way out? Men often 'put up with' or bury their heads ........ you need to have that conversation in order 4 U both to move on.
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Yes CLKD, a conversation should be had, he really has no idea, and he loves me, but i just dont feel it anymore, we spend everyday together and its just too much, i need space x
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Open communication is vital. You seem to be "suffering in silence"? This is futile. Frankly, unkind. Sorry. It would be different if he were harming you in any way, but this doesn't seem to be the case whatsoever. Why not have a chat with Relate? I believe one party can do this, possibly by e-mail even and I know it helped me massively years ago. Yes, to leave, but to leave with grace.
An external, neutral sounding board can be very helpful to give you the confidence to air whatever needs aired and to explore your true feelings so that you can be real when the two of you talk meaningfully and kindly together, whatever the outcome. Things may all surprise you once a dialogue is opened up? It just all feels like you are keeping this big secret and that's not healthy for either of you, ultimately. Good luck!
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But not opening up; people who won't talk; are stopping themselves and partner from moving on to find happiness.
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We have always had trouble talking, i keep things very close to my chest.
I don’t know what to do, i guess just maybe give it a bit more time, take each day as it comes?
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I feel for you, truly. The reasons you give above are exactly why I was suggesting Relate, for you. Not knowing what to do is exactly why they're there. To help you clarify things for yourself, first. To take stock. I don't imagine he would go with you if he doesn't have a clue how unhappy you are. Or, can you write him a letter? Needn't be a tome. Just, "I'm not happy. Can you help me understand why? Can we talk or get help?" There are options.
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I think if there COULD be a chance with relate,then definitely go for it but,if you just don't love him then that's a different matter,with me, I had no feelings whatsoever for my ex,it turned to hatred latterly and that isn't a healthy feeling to carry around
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Hi all, i’ve decided to move out for awhile, give myself some time. Going to rent somewhere for 6 months. But to be honest, i want to be single again, i think this is just the start to the end, but will give me space to think, to get to inow myself again. I was a wonderful shining teenager, and i met hubby and had a child by 19 and my sparkle was just crushed by living, but now that sparkle is back, and i want to live again. I don’t know what the future will bring (but then no one does, i mean, just look at Covid!) but i have a lot i want to do, by myself, it’s going to be scary, but also exciting!! I will be having discussion this weekend, i hope i dont bottle out.
Hope you are all well and sorry if i have jumped on this thread, i will start a new thread once i am a bit further forward xxxx
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Good Luck. MayB write him a letter, short and to the point. Thanking him for any kindness shown along the way etc..
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To be honest, i hope to stay friends, but who knows, we have been together a long time (28 years) I don’t think i could leave with a letter, plus he hates reading, which was one strike against him as i love reading. But, i cant carry on this way anymore xx
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What scares you the most, what's the worst that might happen? He will be hurt and puzzled unless he wants out too.
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Good luck Vikki,this way,you'll know for sure,you'll either feel so free and happy or you'll miss him,I really wish you all the luck
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Hi Vikki
Go girlie. I left my now ex my second husband 7 years ago.... I loved him no longer, he was having an affair abd treating me like an idiot.
He went away for a week no contact at all the look on his face when he walks back in to my bags packed was priceless.... I adore my new life with a man who treats me like a princess. I finally know what love, respect and fun are....
Enjoy your new life ahead
Ms Peaks
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Good for you Ms Peak,it takes courage for a woman especially but if I can do it, I think anyone can,life is way too short to be unhappy all the time
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Hi Jaypo.
2014 was the best and worst year of my life ever.
I left the ex and took the plunge to go it alone sadly six months later my eldest DS from my 1st marriage died by taking his life. I live my days with him within me adventures, new chapters and I smile always........ Life is way too short to be living with unhappiness..... I should know.
Ms Peaks
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Life can be so cruel and such a struggle,is it all for a reason?
So sad re your DS something I'm sure you'll never get over but I'm happy you have found a good man to support you 💖
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Thank you all for your support, and Ms Peak, sending you hugs, i’m glad to hear you can smile and live your adventures.
I just dont want to be with him, but feel guilty? Like i should just give my head a shake and carry on, not cause any upset or upheaval? But then thats me miserable for the rest of my life?
I’m not looking forward to it, but i should just remember to be firm and factual.
Xx
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And grateful, as CLKD suggested, too. Grateful for the undoubted good times and for his letting you go. So important he hears that, at the time.
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I would urge caution. We're not living a normal life atm and perhaps (or perhaps not) you'll feel differently when we're back to normal. Perhaps you would have been just as fed up in lockdown had you been on your own. Don't assume you can go back if you don't like being on your own, he may decide not to have you back. If my OH moved out I wouldn't give him the option to hurt me like that again. Being friends works for the one who's leaving but rarely for the one left behind.
I'm not saying don't do it, you have to do what makes you happy, but maybe investigate other avenues first (like relate) before you jump. I would say you owe it to yourself as well as your OH to make sure you get it right.
I do know someone who left and wishes she hadn't. Her husband has moved on with another woman (OK she did it to herself, it's the child I feel sorry for).
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I think there is a great deal of wisdom coming from sheila99's neutrality. Personally, I struggle with this notion of seeking happiness. For me, my happiness is my own responsibility and can't be provided by others? When I have those periods of inner contentment, I find my capacity for others and ability to tolerate them is much greater. Is happiness an "inside job"?
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Hi, we talked sensibly, no shouting but lots of listening. A few couples we are friendly with have similar Stress (with capital S) so maybe I was hasty when I started this thread a few weeks ago. Thanks for listening to my worries and helping me through this tough time.
Vikki, I know how you feel after a long marriage, could you have a trial separation? That way you don't have the pressure of feeling guilty. If being single after some time turns out to be what you do want, you will feel stronger and more able to make life-changing decisions. I'm guessing you are 45/50? You have loads of time left to be that shining girl again - single or together.
Good luck xx
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Do not compare yourself with others. Most put on a 'face' when in company or a 'telephone voice'.
What is his take Padine?
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He is going to try not to be in such a rush to get things done and remember that my views are as valid as his. Eg. he was going for a short walk one day last week and asked did I want to go too? I said no. Before this I would have gone with him as I thought he expected me to do so. I did find it difficult to say no as I've always done what he I thought he wanted me to do/say, I felt I had more self-respect in doing what ! wanted to do.( I know that maybe sounds trivial but the build-up of small things were making a pot of resentment, hopefully no more!)
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Certainly not trivial at all. "I'll remain at home this time, enjoy your walk and bring back news about what you have seen and heard." it's a lovely time of year with new things every day to share ;-).
OK if he wants to rush, but not to make you feel that you aren't keeping up? Sometimes we get into the habit of thinking that our partner wants this/that etc., without actually asking. 1 should never assume [it's got me into trouble a lot!]. DH often tells me that he is not a mind reader ;D