Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Jeepers on May 05, 2020, 04:41:10 PM
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Hi
Is it just me? Probably. I feel like screaming.
Nephew is staying with us us through lockdown, and it's driving me insane
He is 24, not 17, but acts like a child. I went to get some eggs, and he has put 4 eggshells bavk in the box... What? The bin is right there!
I've asked him to keep the sheets on his bed, but nearly every time I go in his room ( which is not often, it stinks!), He is sleeping on the bare mattress. I'm going to have to get a new bed when he leaves
He won't open his curtains, and burns the lights morning noon and night.
I can't leave my towel in my recently renovated bathroom (which I paid a kings random for), as I can't trust him not to use my towel, even though I have put him his own in there ( looks unused).
I could go on and on... I'm trying to let it wash over me, but it's soo hard
Sorry, bit if a rant
Jeepers xx
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At 24 he may well be a child still. Lads tend to mature slower than girls.
Lads stink. Apparently. HORMONES >:(. Is he defiant or simply dense about how a house is run? Not growing cannabis under the bed?
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For me, those are not small things when it comes to a 24yr old, Jeepers. I would be royally pissed off and would probably tell him just how much too!
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How close are you and why is he with you? With my own children I would lay down the law! With love eg with ? I love you, but blah, blah , blah is unacceptable.? Does he contribute in any way? How does he behave at home? Difficult situation if you don't have a close relationship.
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Sorry, ignore me. Xx
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I am also on a short fuse atm (sleep deprivation). I'm afraid I would have told him before now he either behaves like an adult or clears off. What you're asking is hardly unreasonable.
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Jeepers I'm not surprised you are annoyed. I would be too.
I think it's great that you have taken him in to start with and he should have a bit more respect whilst he is in your home.
The eggshells bit I'd maybe leave for now but the other stuff I would have to speak to him about. The mattress thing is just pure laziness. Can he not even bother to put sheets in the bed? Is he contributing to the bills?
I think if you sit him down and have a word it would help. At least you would be getting things off your chest. it's your house and your possessions and if he doesn't want to live there like an adult then he can look for somewhere else to live.
For the sake of your own mental health you have to say something.
Good luck.
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I'd be fuming too,there's no excuse at that age,youngsters today have no respect for anything,my stepson will take something out of the fridge then put the empty packet BACK INTO THE FRIDGE >:( >:( it's absolute laziness
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Jeepers - the overall situation is difficult. I do think he is spending too much time alone ......... and in my house my rules stand. Where are the other members of your family in this?
He won't be getting enough VitD. He may be depressed. He may feel unwanted. Maybe "What is your real problem and may I help?" might be the way to approach him? If you care about his situation tell him? "Now that Summer is here I want the house aired, laundry done regularly and for you to get into the sunshine to rest, rather than being shut in. It makes me feel like you don't care about us"
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Thanks Ladies
I did write a reply last night explaining why things are so awkward, but I deleted it, its such terrible mess, the whole scenario. I did tell him to put a sheet on the bed, and even woke him up from his pit to do so. He has been offered a job in Bristol, so I'm hoping restrictions will be eased soon, so he can move on ( as is he!).
To answer some of your questions, he buys his own food (but also takes some of mine, he thinks I don't notice). I think he probably did behave like that at home, but we are not that close, so not entirely sure.
My daughter and I have removed our towels from the bathroom, he was definitely using ours, god know why, just idle.
thank you all again
Jeepers xx
Jeepers xx
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Hi CLKD
Our posts crossed.
Its such a difficult and complicated situation. I have tried to include him, we always invite him to join us for Sunday dinner, or watch a programme with us. He seems to avoid us whenever he can. He waits until we go to bed to go down to the kitchen and start cooking. I've told him he doesn't need to do that, and we are always friendly to him. YEs, I'm sure he is down, but doesn't really want to talk to us about it. He is drinking a lot, but then my other nephews said he always did, was always hanging etc.
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Its difficult for you because its your home :-\ And if you were staying in a family members home you would be respectful of their property. Hopefully he wont be with you much longer :)
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Who is financing his spend? Drinking in secret is the biggest alarm bell 4 me. What does his room 'stink' of ? Is he anorexic?
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Sorry to read this Jeepers it must be really difficult for you.
It does sound like he's depressed and also that he may have a problem with alcohol which won't be helping if he is depressed.The personal hygiene issues you have mentioned are signs of both.
I see he has the offer of job would it possible to get him to speak to a doctor about his problems and hopefully get some help so he will be better able to cope with work etc.
Sending good wishes at this difficult time for you.
Lanzalover x
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What support is he getting from the potential job? Has accommodation been arranged, what will the work place be like ....... if he has a job then he needs to talk to you about his future to give you a time-line. You could tell him that you are interested in what will happen in Bristol.
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Hi,
Thanks for the replies.
So, I don't know who is financing his food money, I can only presume it's his mum or dad? I don't like to ask.
He is waiting for a start date from the job offer he got, they said he should hear this week. He told me he has been looking on spare room.com for possible places to stay, so he is making plans. He tells me very little, and doesn't talk to me about his intentions... I think he just assumes he can stay until he decides to leave. Which is all very well, but it would be nice to be consulted, rather than me have to interrogate him.
it's not all his fault. One of the things that I have to constantly tell him is about the recycling, he puts every in the bin. But, I know for a fact that his parents refused to do any recycling, so he has not grown up thinking about it,
So, my daughter and I have planned a bbq in the garden tomorrow afternoon, to cheer him up, and hopefully we can have a chat too in a relaxed way. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do, he is a grown man
Jeepers xx
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He's under your roof. Looking at spare room.com probably won't work. I doubt if many are letting rooms right now which is why his new company should be suggesting where he can stay, they may pay for a hotel room for example. You should ask him, I would. Assuming and presumption can lead to real problems [long story short :-\ ]. R U in contact at all with his parents, I can't remember :-X. Sorry.
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Hobnailed boot up the backside? :)
Sorry, lack of sympathy for him here...
it may not be his fault though, his parents might have tolerated that behaviour and I'm sure the alcohol doesn't help.
I think you can get mattress covers that zip on? It would be cheaper than a new mattress.
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Good idea sheila, I?ll look online.
No, my sister does not speak to me or my kids, nor does her husband or daughter. Makes things even more awkward, as i don't want to ask him about things too much.
Jeepers xx
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Ahh families,don't you just love em :(
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I was sorta hoping she would acknowledge that I've taken her son in, but that hasn't been the case, which is sad.
Jeepers xx
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So as you are head of the household have that talk?
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Thing is,in cases like this,it's easy for us to give advice but not so easy for the person to do,I fell out with my sister and the rest of the family were,do this do that but I just couldn't BUT I WOULD tell him to mend his ways,I couldn't stand someone being so sluvenly in my house,feel for you jeepers x
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We've given ideas. You can dwell on those ;-). Let us know how you get on.
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Where was he staying before if you don't mind me asking?
Taz x :hug:
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Hi Taz
He went off to Australia for a year, so was staying out there. He came back just as the pandemic hit, and the digs he had lined up fell through, as did the job
I do feel for him, but its still a strain.
Jeepers xx
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I can tell it's a tricky one but you do need to stop dancing to his tune quite so much unless there are underlying mental health issues of course which you might not like to air on here. It must be difficult for him to have come back from what would probably have been a totally different lifestyle but he does have to understand that you are being extremely kind to put him up. It's also not fair that you don't know who is paying for his keep? He needs to be quite a bit more open with you. Did he contact you about putting him up?
Such a difficult situation but as has been said lots of different advice for you to mull over. This is the current Spareroom.com advice https://blog.spareroom.co.uk/faq-covid-19-and-flatsharers/
Taz x
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:thankyou: taz2 - wise words and advice :foryou:
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Universal credit?
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Hi
No, he didn't contact me, he firstly contacted my eldest daughter to see if he could stay with her. But she lives in a shared house, and her housemates would not have wanted a stranger coming to sleep on their sofa without making any contribution, and I think my daughter also knew it would not work as nephew has always been about himself.
So anyway, then my daughter told us about it, and I felt I had no choice but to bring him to stay. I also ended up driving to Bristol to get him, even though he never actually spoke to me directly,
He was staying with a girl in Bristol, but again, not as a legit housemate, so when he complained about the noise of another tenant, they said ? well, you are not paying anything so just get out?. I thought he was an idiot for not just keeping his head down.
Well, I did tell him I wanted him to clear his bedroom of beer tins, wine bottles, sweet wrappers, cups and galsses as it was quite disgusting. He said ?is it??, and I said yes, so he just said 'sure?. He was not in the least bit embarrassed or sorry!
We invited him to our bbq, and he came down for about half an hour, but then his phone rang, and he disappeared inside and we didn't see him again. We've now both gone to bed, and I can hear him in the kitchen, he just waits for us to be out of the way. Makes me feel like I'm a monster or something. I've never shouted or got really angry with him, so why do I feel like that?
He did say that he is looking at a potential start date of 15th June, which is disappointing for both us and him. I think he will work remotely until restrictions are lifted, but he never brings up the subject of how long he will stay.
I don't think he has applied for any benefits, or if he has, he is not discussing with us
Sorry, I just keep moaning.
Jeepers xx
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You moan. Who shares your house over-all? How do they feel? Would it be better for someone else to make the suggestions?
Give him a bin and tell him to put rubbish into it, bring it down and sort for recycling. Explain that you need to get a routine in the household during these strange times and he needs to assist. Who does his laundry? He seems to be very rude or depressed?
5 weeks to go? and never again?
Many years ago we had a friend stay - he never contributed at all. He had lived alone so knew what it took to run a household. We should have sat down and discussed but we thought that as he knew about shopping etc. that he would join in. We had to suggest that he looked for somewhere else, using the excuse that relatives were going to visit. We nearly fell out but not quite. Later we found that he has late-diagnosed Aspergers ::) - he's still a loveable rogue - sorry, I digress. It taught us never to have anyone to stay unless we had a leave date ;)
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Sorry if this is harsh, and we are in unprecedented times, but I think he's taking advantage of you. When I first went to college I had problems with the student accomodation so ended up staying with friends of my parents for about a month. They had a big house and were really welcoming but I remember spending all of my time ensuring that I was not causing them any problems, being considerate, offering to help with stuff, etc. because I really appreciated the fact that they were helping me. If I'd behaved like your nephew I'm sure they would have thrown me out, and I wouldn't have blamed them. He needs to realise that you are doing him a favour, and that he should be grateful. Instead he's not respecting you or your property. If he were in my house he'd be told that these are the rules he needs to follow and if he doesn't he's out on his ear.
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Jeepers this is a really difficult situation for you in the circumstances. I think you are great for taking him in, not sure if I would have tbh. it's horrible when you can't relax in your own home.
We are all giving advice but it's not so easy is it? I think eventually I would end up blowing a gasket and telling him to sort himself out or get out. I couldn't stand the stress of it all.
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When I feel out of control things bother me more than they would do usually .......
How do you feel this morning?
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I agree with getting old(the lady,not actually getting old ) I lived with a couple when I worked as a groom and I did my best to be as respectful as I could,I'd always clean up after myself,keep my room clean and do all I could to not interrupt their household.It may be that he is depressed but I don't think that's an excuse for disrespecting someone who is clearly being kind to you
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Maybe this lad's background has been difficult. But alcohol ....... alone :-\
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Hi
Well, nephew has gone now. Its been a really difficult week, I've struggled with so much (this is a very messy and complicated situation). I feel very down about everything, on top of the coronavirus stuff. You know, the type of down where you just imagine yourself walking away into a sunset, disappearing from the horizon? This too shall pass, I suppose.
But I just wanted to thank you all for your input, and support.
:thankyou:
Jeepers xx
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You came to his aid, more than most would do at a very difficult time, I hope he thanked you :)
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You?re the better person jeepers xx
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You came to his aid, more than most would do at a very difficult time, I hope he thanked you :)
He did. And I think he left on good terms. However, the following day an envelope was stuffed through my letterbox with the word "rent" on it. It contained ?500 and obviously my brother in law had done it (I asked nephew and he was puzzled about it). I can't tell you how upset that has made me. It was spiteful and a "stuff your help, we will never thank you, so we are paying you off"
Had there been a note, or a "thank you for putting our son up" , or had he knocked on the door, it would have been different.
So, my daughter and I sent an email saying
"thank you for the money, but we did not take your son in for money, we took him in so that he would have a roof over his head. So, with that in mind, we have donated the money to Centrepoint, as charity that helps homeless young people"
Its really knocked the stuffing out of me tbh, but thank you for your comments, they brought tears to my eyes.
Jeepers xx
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Wow,families :o but maybe they were trying to be kind? Or is that no? Don't let it eat you up jeepers,you did a big hearted thing 💖
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Hi jaypo
No, it wasn't a kind hearted thing. My brother in law is a real piece of work. He has done some awful things, and after my Dad died 3 years ago, I tried to back off a bit, as I was grieving and his behaviour was terrible. My sister eventually wanted to "clear the air" and came over. I didn't want to tell her, because in the past she had ostracised my Mum for speaking out about him (he is a compulsive liar and a control freak to name two of he qualities). But she is quite scary, so I tried to tell her that some of her husbands behaviours had upset me when Dad died. Well, that was it, she just raged at me and practically said I was dead to her. She pushed my birthday gift back through my door, and has not spoken to me since.
When she got her diagnosis, I sent her a note saying how sorry I was, and to let me know if I could help in any practical way, but I got no response.
I am the bad guy, in everyone's eyes. I can't even tell my Mum that my best friend found my brother in law on a dating web site last year, he really is a dispicable person. He even wanted to borrow my Dads car to drive to Scotland less thank 48 hours after he had died. Oh yes, and hge sent a nasty email to my daughter telling her how horrible and vindictive I am, and that everyone calls me Mavis. It was vile.
Anyway, I'm airing way too much dirty laundry here,
I think once this lockdown is over, I'm going to look to move away, as its too sad and horrible here
Jeepers xx
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Sounds like she knows the truth but didn't want to hear it from someone else. It's often easier to make someone else the villain.
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You did a good job! and you parted friends. That's what is important here. Do you know where he has gone?
I would have given the money to your nephew ;-). Unless he didn't want it.
........ and breath. You do not come over as a nasty person either! :foryou:
As an aside: many years ago my sister rang out of the blue "I'm sending X to you for the Summer" Nope ;D. He [16 at the time] had no means of transport, I wouldn't have known him had we passed in the street ::) but she wanted a baby sitter. She tried to tell me that he could get a job locally but that would mean travelling to town at least 15 miles there - nope, not interested in baby sitting either :-X :P. not interested in becoming a taxi and as for the final remark 'he likes to go Clubbing' :o. Not from this house ;D
His father had time off work to look after both their lads .........
Put this down to experience. You stepped in at a time he needed a roof over his head ;-)
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You're a better person than me. I'd have stuck two fingers up at him as I swanned off on holiday (well, not at the moment...). I'm another one who thinks your sister's overreaction is because she knows what he's like but can't admit it. You've done your best and that's all any of us can do. I'm sure your nephew is grateful. Maybe that's made it worse for BIL who would like to portray you as the enemy. Perhaps he's frightened your sister will listen to you and he will lose control over her. You did a nice thing and he is not worth worrying about.
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Unfortunately you can't interfere in their marriage,by the sounds of things,if you told her about his cheating ways she may say you?re lying,believe me I know the situation,my sister is also married to a total d#*k but I no longer get involved.Take care of your own mental health first and foremost,it's just not worth it xx
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As they say "you can chose your friends, but not your relatives". It sounds like your sister has a good idea what BIL is like, but for whatever reason either doesn't want to face up to it or is too embarrassed to admit that she does know but doesn't want to do anything about it.
Years ago I had a friend who would come running when she fell out with her partner. She would tell me what a dreadful person he was and how much she hated him, only to return to him and be blissfully happy a few days later. After the third time we drifted apart, and I knew she would never change as she seemed to love the drama.
She also hated that I wouldn't be drawn into criticising him. I'd once been told to never criticise someone's partner because when they get back together they share the bad things you said, and you are made to be the bad person.
Look after yourself Jeepers. You're a good person and you don't deserve to be involved in the drama that your sister has chosen, and probably enjoys. Focus on you and your daughter. Living well will be the best "revenge" on BIL
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Hi all
Thank you for all your replies, which I have mulled over, and then slept on things.
Yes, my sister knows what he is like, and she has chosen to stick with him, no matter what, and that is her absolute right. I never expected her to divorce him.. after all, she stuck by him after he was vile to my poor mum, they made out she was nasty, she stuck by him after he pinned their then 15 year old daughter to the wall by her throat (would you believe he is a teacher!!), I could go on, but no need.
Anyway, you are all absolutely right. I feel for my sister, she is now stuck isolated with him (although he does obviously go out, but wont allow their son to see them??), and she is seriously ill. But, its what she wants.
I need to stop him messing with my head and as you all say, live my life as best I can. Stop waiting for her to see me, if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.
Onwards, and hopefully upwards.
I feel so humbled that you have all taken the time to post on here to me, I am so lucky that there is an amazing bunch of women out there...
With love
Jeepers xxxxxxxxx
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Omg jeepers,are you a long lost sister? That is my BIL too,although he is not my sisters kids father but their step father,he physically abused them,used to beat her on occasions and yet that wasn't enough for her to leave him,apparently they prayed and god KEPT forgiving them >:( One Xmas day,I got a call from her,crying down the phone,oh please come get the kids ,pleeeease,so, I phoned my dad,he dropped everything,came got me and we drove over a hundred miles to get the kids,he sat in the car coz he would've killed this man, I got the kids,surprisingly the coward was hiding somewhere,kids were so upset but happy they were going to their nana,so,that was my Xmas ruined,my mums and my dads(he remarried) so 3 households all angry and upset,next day?phone call from my sister to my mum,oh,yes,everything is fine,he apologised,he's REALLY sorry
Sorry for the long post,it just brought it all back to me xx
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Two women each week die in the UK at the hands of husbands/partners/ex-partners. However unless the woman chooses to leave ........
I am from a dysfunctional family. From way back in my history on both sides. I managed to gain insight over the years not to continue . Had I gone on for a family it probably would have continued but I decided at age 8 that this World is not good enough for my kids. That view never altered. By the time I was 30 I could see that I would have parented in the way that I was raised.
You can now enjoy the Summer Jeepers. Your sister has made her choices. If your nephew is in a safe place, you have done your best. One thing to consider is, should he turn up on your doorstep, would you take him in? I rarely had contact with my sister for years as she, like Mum, has narcissistic tendencies. She failed me many times so eventually I put down the 'phone .......... we hadn't met for 12 years until Dad died and again, have no need to be in touch physically. When she dropped by 18 months ago we were civil to each other.
I don't need her in my Life. I have all I need in my 4 walls ;-). Little things still bother me but it's not about my sister any more. Now my Mum, I could write a book ;D
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I'm really sorry if I triggered horrible memories for you jaypo. It seems like dysfunctional families are the norm doesn't it? Those poor kids, what a terrible example to set the kids. I finally left my abusive ex when I realised he was manipulating them. It was so sad to see, and there is no way I would have put up with that, kids need protecting as they grow up. Are they okay? My nephew doesn't like his dad. In fact, a year ago, he "jokingly" said he dreams of patricide!
I think my sister is, and always has been terrified of being on her own, and puts up with everything because of that one thing. She is an intelligent woman, (she was always labelled "the clever one").
CLKD, I was hoping that we could be civil to each other, I never expected her to divorce the FW, but she wont have any of it. I can say I tried, but as I said there is nothing more I can do now, other than get own with my own life. I have fabulous daughters, a lovely boyfriend and a sassy cat. Sweet!
Jeepers xx
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A sassy cat ;D
I saw a dog out for a walk on Tuesday, well I say walk, it was a swagger, his/her walk said ?I'm gorgeous and I know it? looked like a gold colour cockapoo to me, I'd have brought it home with me in a second and I really don't want any pets ;D
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My Cockerpoo thinks she's the mutt's nuts too. I have not got the heart to tell her that she looks like a Yeti and is in desperate need of a trim :)
Jeepers, live your life and leave them to theirs. Sadly, as i know from bitter experience with one of my sisters, i can do nothing about her actions, only how i react to them. I think it is a lot more common than we think. Sending you a hug x
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It definitely is common,the kids are kind of ok jeepers,thanks for asking,although they have issues,one in her 40s would apologise to you,if YOU stepped on her foot,she'd be.......oh sorry for putting my foot under yours,she has no self worth but she's married now and has two kids of her own,who go nowhere near my sis or her still OH,the other one turned to comfort eating and at 5? 1? tall she weighed in at 30 stone until she got a gastric bypass,still speaks to her mum & step dad
But jeepers,you've just got to detach yourself from it,live your own life to the fullest :)
Haha,my chihuahua swaggers,she thinks she could take on a Rottweiler and win ;D
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Aww I love cockerpoo's. ...😉
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Have just read all of this thread and Jaypo, you did a wonderful thing and your nephew might not recognise it now, but he will be able to look back to this time and think ?yeah, there are good people in the world? I'm from a dysfunctional family, was physically abused by my father from about age 4 until I was 23, cut them all out of my life (dr's advice for my mental health) my mother (in name only) is now a lonely, badly off ?'s and ignored by favourite daughter+ only d-in-l. My husband and family were my saving grace at 18 and I have a wonderful family (plus fabulous d-in-l ). The basis for my mother+daughter's hatred is jealousy and cannot change their narcissistic ways. I look back on my life and can clearly remember very happy times with decent family, I'm not the perfect parent but I've tried hard to give my children the kind, loving Aww 🥰 life I didn't have. Jaypo, your daughter sounds a wonderful girl who loves you very much cos you love her so much - that will have shone through to your troubled nephew :foryou:
What you did with ?500 is classic! Well done you both for having the courage to tell s****y BiL ! Your conscience is clear. Hope you?re feeling better, stay safe.
Padine xx
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Meant to say Jeepers sorry (and sorry Jaypo too)
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Lots of dysfunction around. Some of it learnt. Some of due to jealousy. Some because people want to be in total control.
FinL was in Prisoner of War Camp under the Japs. He never lifted a finger to anyone ...... was quietly persuasive ........ his elder son has a history of wife beating but she stayed and now they seem to rub along OK. As long as she goes along with what he suggests. She would like a pond but as it isn't his suggestion, he refuses to build one. Me, I would hire someone ;-).
My husband is like his Dad: gentle, if he says anything it's profound. He never wastes breath. What bothers me doesn't even cross his mind to be bothered over ::) which can be really, really, annoying ;D.
Someone can only hurt you whilst you continue to allow them. I have no guilt about walking away from my sister and have stepped back from Mum's narcissism.