Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Focus on December 19, 2019, 08:27:09 AM
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Just wondering...
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Gosh that's a tough one to answer. I'd like to think I am, but that feels like patting myself on the back.
I do think it's quite a female trate anyway, and with all such things some are more adept than others.
What about you Focus?
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Definitely.
It can be a good thing, for sure. But there's also a very dark side to empaths. So not so much about patting yourself on the back, but very much an admission of weakness. Check out Vital Mind Psychology on YouTube.
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I will take a look.
Also I feel it is based on being able to put yourself in others situation. That way you automatically connect with them and how they feel. I'm sure it's some primeval sense that we need to keep hold of and nurture.
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Wow, just watched one of the videos and it certainly explains why I get upset and overwhelmed by things that others take in their stride. I do fight back though but that can, and does, increase the stress.
Thanks for the link, I will be watching the other videos.
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Hello Ladies
I read that early humans had to accommodate both competition and cooperation in their society and the need to maintain relationships and allegiances prompted the extra brain development that we have today. An interesting subject Focus and I'll certainly check out the videos you mention.
Take care ladies.
K.
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As for the dark side, how to recognise and protect yourself from Narcissists.
Up until now I don't think I have been very good at that. However, my experience recently with a certain person has given my more insight. It is difficult to spot when someone appears genuinely in need, just needy or a narcissist.
I am hoping the other videos will cover this.
I wonder also if there is any overlap between narcissists and psychopaths. I suspect this does happen. I know a bit about psychopaths from my degree course, as we did a module on it. It was in connection to criminal behaviour though so not quite the same.
You have really sparked me off with this. I will have to do some research.
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I'm definitely a empath!
I've just read a little about it, and it's me. I didn't know anything about it. I'm interested now, so I will educate myself more, as soon as I can fit it in.
Sometimes, I think it's a curse!
Thanx, I will watch the videos too....x
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I'm definitely a empath!
I've just read a little about it, and it's me. I didn't know anything about it. I'm interested now, so I will educate myself more, as soon as I can fit it in.
Sometimes, I think it's a curse!
Thanx, I will watch the videos too....x
What book did you read jillydoll? I wouldn't mind buying it.
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It's Judith Orloff, .....The Empath's Survival Guide. Seems pretty much clear and understandable. Good reviews too.....
Got it off Amazon.
Only just started it though, but when I have time, I intend to get stuck right in...
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Yeah, I'm gonna be reading Judith Orloff's book as well.
Tbh, I'm reasonably good at spotting narcissists now. But the videos also gave me a lot of insight into my own psychological makeup and how I can learn to protect myself when I get stressed out by crappy people and negative energy.
I've been trying some of the suggestions out recently with an ongoing work situation and I think it's been really working for me. I previously would have just soaked up all the negative energy, gotten really upset about it, then really stressed about it, which would have resulted in a whole series of physical stress (insomnia, pounding heart/panic attack type reactions, IBS, TMJ) and then illness because my immune system was down.
Instead, I've been blocking the negative energy by not letting the person get physically close to me and not looking her in the eye. Making sure I don't go into the stress type response, and telling myself that I'm going to protect myself and keep myself safe (if you've watched the video about the four states of the empath that last bit will make more sense).
I've always been able to walk into a room and know exactly where everyone is at emotionally. More recently, in the past few years, I've been able to tell with physical stuff that's going on with people too- even total strangers. Last summer there was an ambulance at the end of the road, and even without seeing who was inside or knowing what was happening (it was facing the wrong way for me to be able to see in), I knew it was a woman that had had a heart attack and they were using the defibrillator on her. I could feel actually the physical sensations in my chest...it was really weird. I was totally exhausted afterwards, that night, utterly drained. I've had loads of instances like that over the past few years.
I'm now at the point where I want to protect myself a bit, not feel constantly overloaded, and have a bit more control as to what I let through.
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Hello again ladies
Unfortunately I haven't had a chance to look at the video but reading your comments made me wonder something. I've never understood how the comment 'never mind, there is always someone worse off than you' is supposed to be a comfort? How can thinking about other people's suffering be of any help or consolation? Surely it's just more to make you miserable. I'm guessing that all empaths feel the same way what do you think ladies?
Wishing you all well.
K.
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Haha, yes Kathleen. Your right.
It shifts from you feeling a bit miserable,/ or whatever, to making you think about all sorts of problems with other people, and totally making you feel utter useless because you can't help any of them!
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I think i must be after my last relationship, with a narcissist, until then i didn't even know what an empath was
I know some people don't believe narcissists exist, but it's more than just being selfish and self centred,
I have not recovered yet
I also think my first husband was one too, just the same personality, no empathy,no boundaries arrogant,entitled and a lot more,but good actors, good liars
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Apparently Jaycee, empaths attract narcissists....total opposites...🤷♀️
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The whole narcissist/empath dynamic is really interesting. There are a whole series of videos about it on the channel I mentioned. It really does explain a lot.
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Jillydol, i do know now,and going to try to change my attitude, i am far too soft, but intend to not be in future where men are concerned anyway,
It is hard to believe someone can be 2 personalities, like Jekyl and Hyde,
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jaycee, look into boundaries (both how empaths are with boundaries and how narcissists are as well).
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Hi girls,
Hello again ladies
Unfortunately I haven't had a chance to look at the video but reading your comments made me wonder something. I've never understood how the comment 'never mind, there is always someone worse off than you' is supposed to be a comfort? How can thinking about other people's suffering be of any help or consolation? Surely it's just more to make you miserable. I'm guessing that all empaths feel the same way what do you think ladies?
Wishing you all well.
K.
Agree. Ubuntu!
BeaR.
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Focus i will do that, but i don't think Narcissists have any boundaries at all,i was shocked at the no boundaries thing with my last narc,in fact surprised he hasn't been arrested,[draw your own conclusions ] but would be if i could prove it
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Hello again ladies
... I've never understood how the comment 'never mind, there is always someone worse off than you' is supposed to be a comfort? How can thinking about other people's suffering be of any help or consolation? Surely it's just more to make you miserable. I'm guessing that all empaths feel the same way what do you think ladies?
Wishing you all well.
K.
Totally agree Kathleen.
I've always thought that whenever someone says to you 'There's always someone worse off' or 'Think about people who have ....itis/some other condition' it's a way of dismissing my pain or trying to make me feel bad or guilty. The type of person who says this isn't trying to comfort you - they want you to shut up. When I'm emotionally raw or have bad anxiety and I hear this from someone it makes me feel worse.
Wx
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Focus i will do that, but i don't think Narcissists have any boundaries at all,i was shocked at the no boundaries thing with my last narc,in fact surprised he hasn't been arrested,[draw your own conclusions ] but would be if i could prove it
Precisely so...Ns have issues with boundaries because they see other people as an extension of themselves and to be used for their own gain. They don't recognise the right that the other person has to just be themselves and to be separate.
Empaths have issue with boundaries because we are so good at feeling where other people are at. Their emotions/physical feelings become our own. We overlook that we have a right to be ourselves and to be separate.
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This is turning into the most incredible journey for me.
I've always sort of 'felt' other people as energy. I now tend not to look at their external physical appearance as sometimes this can be distracting. Like, I mean, at one of my jobs there was a privately educated, fresh-faced rugby player type member of staff who was a body builder as well. He turned out to be a serial sexual offender (after a couple of years of hard fight, we ended up getting him convicted and sentenced). Anyway, his appearance was all good, his energy was hideous. He made the skin on my arms crawl the first time I met him. SO I tend to ignore what someone looks like now and go on the energy I get from them.
So I've been reading up about energy, and vibrations. And also how to help yourself feel better. People have always described me as really kind and very positive and optimistic. I wanted to have more of an idea as to what was going on. So yes, I've been looking into energy and vibrations.
Which led me to looking into chakras. And in particular the one that's associated with my back injury and issues.
And I did a guided healing for that particular chakra. For the two nights after that I had the most incredibly vivid dreams to do with my ex husband, the way he treated me and the affairs he had. But they feel like positive dreams, very healing (for me).
I've also felt lighter, brighter, more radiant, in spite of being very drained through work.
I'm carrying on exploring this. And boundaries (for me).
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Wow interesting. I had never heard of the word ' Empath' before I read this. Thanks.
Totally me. I wonder if there are more than the expected Empaths on this site? Maybe
they suffer more in Meno due to a heightened awareness of their body/mortality/need for reassurance.
Or we are more ready to talk about it and admit struggling. (A strength I think)
I totally identify with being an Empath. My mother was / still is a sociopath. My husband definitely has
narcissistic tendencies. I often wonder what my life would be life if I lived with someone like me rather than
someone so different....like bathing in a lovely cool pool I imagine after having spent 20 years dipping my
toe in scalding water to check the bath every day!
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sparkle, thank you so much, I loved that article!
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Wow interesting. I had never heard of the word ' Empath' before I read this. Thanks.
Totally me. I wonder if there are more than the expected Empaths on this site? Maybe
they suffer more in Meno due to a heightened awareness of their body/mortality/need for reassurance.
Or we are more ready to talk about it and admit struggling. (A strength I think)
I totally identify with being an Empath. My mother was / still is a sociopath. My husband definitely has
narcissistic tendencies. I often wonder what my life would be life if I lived with someone like me rather than
someone so different....like bathing in a lovely cool pool I imagine after having spent 20 years dipping my
toe in scalding water to check the bath every day!
squeaker, I don't know. Tbh, I think an (unaware) empath wouldn't be attracted to another empath.
I think there is a journey of awareness that needs to happen before we can leave go of the desire to help and fix people, to fit around their personalities and needs, and to eventually know our own selves and be at ease with our own selves.
I had a father with a severe antisocial personality disorder and was then married to an alcoholic for 15 years. I fit into the mould perfectly.
After he left (4 years ago) I found it difficult to bathe i that lovely cool pool you speak of. I still find it hard, after 4 years, counselling, lots of introspective work and personal development on my part. The biggest struggle isn't with other people though, it's with myself.
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Very wise Focus. The bit about struggling with yourself.
I think I am (unfairly) comparing my husband with a fantasy Empath husband who
(probably) doesn't exist. Whom with I could live this fantasy perfect peaceful life.
If I step back it is probably his demeanor : think Sean Bean like northern 'spade a spade'
that rubs me up the wrong way as much as what he actually says.
I dated a very serious, quietly spoken accountant when we split up for a year before we married.
I was bored before 6 months were out and he turned out to be a right stalking nut job.
If I lived more in the ' now' rather than in the past already gone or the future not lived yet much of this
would be redundant! I feel a New Year resolution coming on.
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squeaker, sounds like you would enjoy some meditation? There are loads of guided ones on YouTube. They really help being you into the present, while honouring (but not be overwhelmed by) your feelings.
I too am very anxious (I have PTSD), but meditation helps. I've also discovered just how much physical exercise helps in the past few years. It can really help shift your mindset.
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I think it could do. I know of a mother and daughter who have very similar trates, although the daughter would deny it.
I suspect it is at least partly learnt behaviour.
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Definitely Avalon.
It's what they're taught from an early age.
They, also have to have the trait in them too.
Luckily Birdy, you've escaped it. 👍🏻 Good on ya girl! 😉
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Hmmm, I've been watching videos on narcissists. A lot of it totally fits with my ex h.
I started by looking into his drinking and stonewalling. I didn't even know both of those things were a thing, if you know what I mean. I'm a real live and let live type, happy to let people be the way they are.
Then I discovered stonewalling is a way of gaining control over a situation/person, and it's a type of abusive behaviour. Someone I was talking to about it described it as a 'you're beneath me' type of mentality.
So I started looking into some of the other things that he did repeatedly over the course of 18 years, from the very beginning. Flashy behaviour at the start, when we met...expensive nights out, expensive gifts. This is what he also did with the last girl he cheated with.
So much entitlement...all the way through. And no acceptance of any sort of responsibility (including never doing any housework, in spite of me asking him to).
Only looking back now, I realise that I felt really lonely throughout the time we were married. I think I'd describe our relationship as superficial now. There really wasn't much communication, discussion, negotiation, decision making together. A classic conversation would go something like: 'what about going on holiday in xxx?', and he'd answer 'maybe'.
A lot of projection in the end. I remember feeling like he was vomiting over me, and I just heard a psychologist describe projection as the feeling of being vomited over by someone.
I think the desire and capacity to engage in dialogue is one of the most important things for me now.