Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Chihuahuachick on October 15, 2019, 02:06:24 AM
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I am living with an absolute prick whilst going through the peri menopause.
I am really trying to keep myself together.
It's not the menopause that gets me down.
I have suffered 15 years of abuse from him. I lived alone and he was my boss. He worked his way into my life and I ended up losing my job because he is a control freak and just took all of my work off me so I left my job, it was soul destroying not having anything to do all day.
He controls what I eat, I don't go out anymore because I get days worth of extra abuse afterwards.
I have no job at the moment because I am waiting to get a new artificial eye.
My neighbour is a problem and bullies me using another neighbour and he stops me from sticking up for myself.
I am stuck financially with him
He never touches me and I haven't had sex for years because he is rough and says it's my fault I don't like it. Even though he told me his ex wife complained he was rough.
I wish I could get rid of him.
He is vile.
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Jeez, I'm so sorry.
Glad you were able to post on here though. and are at the point where you realise - and can talk about - what's been going on. That's really huge. I think you'd be surprised at how many women have lived thought something similar in their lives...myself included.
It sounds like you don't have much support from the people that are in your life. Do you have family you can speak to? Friends? Although I'm guessing that might be difficult if you do, knowing how people like him operate?
Have you tried finding a helpline? They've been really invaluable for me in the past. I knew at the time that a lot of the things that my ex partner said (and did) to me were wrong, horrible, violent and downright creepy, but being able to speak them out loud to someone that I knew wouldn't judge me for being in that situation and wouldn't tell me what to do, but would also be honest about how those things sounded, was unbelievable helpful in taking another step along the road I had started to go/was on.
Sending you love and strength.
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Good morning Chihuahuachick
So sorry to read of the situation you find yourself in.
Please please please get help Focus has given you some good advice.
And remember none of this is your fault it's his.
Pick that phone up and speak to someone for help and support.
Take care and good luck
Lanzalover x
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R U in the UK?
Begin with your GP. Some men insist on going into the appts. so that the woman can't tell. Trouble is, if you said a firm 'no' at the surgery door he may well 'start' when you get home. If so and this is something that you a) fear and b) would strengthen your resolve to leave, I would suggest that you have a response ready and say to the GP "I feel in danger from this man, I need help to find safety " so that you don't have to return.
It may well then involve the Police. R U ready for this?
R there items in the house that you treasure? Do you have pets that he would take out his anger on therefore tying you to the house?
You R at the 1st hurdle. You need to think that this will not improve however much he tells you it will. You may be reliant right now but eventually you will gain strength with support! Coercion is illegal in the UK and carries a heavy penalty.
:hug:
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Good grief, CLDK...my feet barely touched the ground reading that...GP, police, moving house...phew!
I honestly would struggle with some of that (let alone all of that) if I was feeling on top my game physically and emotionally.
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Chihuahuachick
Little steps, get yourself a plan. Start with legal advice to see what you are entitled to financially. Get your eye operation sorted. There are lots of organisations that help with DV (in all it's forms), some offer sheltered housing.
Once you have an escape plan you'll feel better because you'll have taken back control of your life. You're worth more than this. You can do it x
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Chihuahuachick, firstly I'm incredibly sorry that you're in this situation.
Are you ready to leave him yet, do you think? Do you have anyone, a relative, a friend, anyone you trust who can help you start getting all your ducks in a row? Or do you just need to let it out somewhere (like here)?
There are helplines you can call (depending on whether you feel it is safe to do so) - a quick Google will bring up some numbers of domestic violence helplines (even if he hasn't physically assaulted you, it doesn't matter).
Feel free to vent here any time, even if you don't want to leave just yet.
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Thank you all for being understanding. I appreciate it more than you know.
I am looking at the smaller picture to try to rectify things.
My body clock is out because I have just suffered a bout of IBS.
I need to sort that out first as I hate falling asleep at 2 am and getting up at midday.
Then hopefully in another 3 weeks I will have my eye so I can start to look for a job.
Those are my priorities right now.
Then I hope to be able to get shut of this abusive vile person and his baggage.
I just haven't got any support with the body clock issue and I must sort it out.
So so grateful for your help.
You woukd honestly not believe how much I have put up with from this idiot.
XxxxxX
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Good luck and please let us know how you get on, we'll be thinking about you x
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Thank you.
It's never going to change with him. I just hope I get a decent job and I can move on with life.
I'm trying to offer my support to others on the forum, and be strong as it puts more good back into the world other than feeling low.
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You're very kind and giving Chihuahuachic.
But please look after yourself first and foremost.
When my now ex husband left me (alcoholic, affairs), I was terrified. I always earned a lot, lot less than him, and not really enough to survive. I was pretty much totally reliant on him financially.
Don't get me wrong, the first 6 months were hard, for all sorts of reasons as well as financial.
But slowly I got to a point where I was able to raise my head high, raise it above the parapet, and I was able to start planning a future for myself financially.
I'm still working on it, 4 years on. But it's been unbelievably rewarding. And it works.
You'll get there. Slowly but surely, one step in front of the other. And you'll be super proud of yourself for doing that xx
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Thank you.
I would love to be able to survive on my own and have a partner that finds me attractive.
I would love to meet someone that I can be intimate with. I have not had thst for a long time.
I think covering this abusive relationship up is easy as I am an attractive and caring person, so people just assume thst I have a nice partner, they couldn't be more wrong.
I am really trying to focus on getting my body clock back to normal. I so want that so badly.
I never thought I would come across someone so horrible in my life let alone live with someone like I do.
And to think he doesn't even think thst there is anything wrong with him, honestly, it's unbelievable.
And his family are horrible. His mother was vile, she raised generations of abusive people.
His daughter is so vile that she ignored her own daughter at a dinner table when we were all eating. The daughter had been asking for sanitary products all day, as that day she had started her periods and she had got money stuck in the machine in the toilet of the restaurant. That was our pre flight meal to two weeks away on holiday with them. On the holiday I found out that his daughter and her husband used to get the 11 year old to babysit a 6 year old and a one year old while they went and got pissed on a school night.
Vile vile people, that's only the half of it.
Pity I was a year into the relationship before I found this out. And they live miles away, so I was nowhere near to find out.
To think that I took him in and he pushed me out of my job is terrible. And he cannot see where he is wrong.
I think that's why I get so much abuse, because abusing him back doesn't come naturally. Vile man.
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Trying to 'get back' uses up energy. Having a plan is important even if you don't act on it, it gives a sense of control. Don't do anything that will rile him.
Let us know how you get on?
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Love your screen name...avid animal lover here....make sure you're in a strong financial situation before you give the jackass the royal boot up the old keister! That's how people gain control is thru finances. Can you put some money aside on a regular basis? If so, a little coin every week in a bank account would be a good start. Good luck and keep your head up and look forward to disposing of the jerk.
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CLKD you are so right and I'm so grateful for your comments.
That's just it, getting back at him uses up energy and it's energy I do not want to use at the moment as I need it for myself.
I have a plan and I will indeed stick to it.
I need to get my body clock sorted, get my new eye settled and find a job. That's my plan, 'f' him. I'm using my energy on the plan.
I even thought of joining a site to meet someone else, but I just think that would be some other a-hole latching onto me. I don't need it. I don't want the stress. I would much rather post here with genuine people that care.
I would also like to join some club when I am working. Something like rock climbing or something totally irrelevant like that, just to make friends.
I have no problem at all with going somewhere to meet people where I don't know anyone. I have confidence.
I just hope I can document my journey on here and get this plan as aforementioned in force.
Any advice is greatly received from you all and I thank you in advance xxxx
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I remember chatting to one of the volunteers on the Women's Aid helpline about how he just couldn't seem to see how horrible he was being to me, how controlling and aggressive. Even when I pointed out things he'd said or done. She told me that these sorts of people lack the self awareness.
Whenever I brought up something he'd done or said that I had an issue with, he either said I was over sensitive and that it was just a joke, or he looked so horrified and said that he would never have said/done something like that.
Lack of self awareness. And not my issue.
Don't blame yourself for being taken in. These sorts of people are very manipulative, and they've got an eye for a vulnerable person too. The guy I was with? I met him about 6 months or so after my ex husband had left.
You will become all the wonderful things that you want to be. Those things are already there, inside you. You just need to nurture them and let them flourish.
You'll get there, I promise.
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Oh whatsupwiththis, thank you so much xxx
Such good advice and yes, good finances is control and it is the control I need and I intend to get with this job I am hoping to get when my new eye is ready.
This advice I am getting is what I need to succeed.
I need to remember that I AM right in not retaliating and using up energy plus I need to get ready for this job by sorting my sleeping out.
Please anyone help, this is the most positive I have felt in ages and ages.
I have had two operations on my eye this year and I have started two jobs which have fallen through, both of which I only had a couple of weeks off sick with, not to mention the peri menopause symptoms.
I have not had my artificial eye since February and I am feeling so incomplete. That is why I am waiting to get my eye because I need to feel complete to get a job and come across at an interview as my real self.
XxxxX
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Can anyone help with this?
Everytime I get another partner he is worse than the last. This one has messed my job up for me as well as treated me like rubbish.
My counsellor says I attract such control freaks as I have been bought up by a controlling mother.
How do I get out of it happening again?
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Ah, yes...so...are you seeing the patterns? The way that you were essentially 'groomed' as a child?
So, in a sense, you know what that feels like as you've been taught to behave like that and have done so for many, many years. And it's an easy pattern of behaviour for you to slip into. You know how to play your part in all of this.
Conversely, people who like to behave in a controlling and abusive manner recognise the signals from you, and hone in on you. So they can play their part.
Best advice would be to give yourself the gift of time. Time for you to look into this stuff, explore it, and start to unpick it a bit. Carry on working with your counsellor
You already know that you can't control other people. The only person you can control is yourself - the choices that you make and the way you choose to react. And you're already dong that in so many ways, by making decisions about where you're directing your energy and making decisions about your future. It's in your posts.
I'd say you just need to carry on down that path. And maybe without the distraction of another person to think about and consider? Just yourself to take the most wonderful care of. For a while at least. Explore your hobbies, friendships, get to know yourself more, build your confidence, read up about boundaries (this is a big one for people who have had their emotional and physical boundaries totally disregarded. I struggle with this one). Make a wish list of how you would like your life to look and slowly and luxuriously explore all the things on your list.
You can decide if and when you're ready to be more intimate with someone else again. But become intimate with yourself first, learn to take care of yourself, respect yourself and cherish yourself. Take your time over yourself.
It's funny, I got to a point where I knew that I would never, ever be attracted to someone who was my ex husband's type any more. However talented, fun, charming, popular, handsome they might be. The roller coaster of life with an high functioning addict was never ever gonna appeal to me again. And it's because I worked so hard to feel enough self esteem not to be dazzled by those things or to need that in my life, because my own life was full enough as it was.
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Get out of this relationship. Don't look too far ahead other than looking after you! A relationship should be in the distance to find out who you are. That way your strengths will develop and grow.
Do U have hobbies?
Sometimes we need to feel valued and often these men look for vulnerable people and feed off their needs, gradually eroding any confidence . Initially they are giving the woman what they seek - flowers, chocolates, a roof over their heads. Then they begin the manipulation.
Think about all the men you have known in your Life. Lads in school; Teachers; people in the Church; shop keepers; the medical profession. How did they interact with you?
Think about those who have controlled you. Think about how the latter compare with those men that you aren't involved with .........
I have men that I would trust with my Life on a desert island. There are some that I don't want to breath the same air as! Some I tolerate because I have to.
Maybe sit back and watch how others interact. You will find help at a womens refuge where you should get advice.
The other aspect you might consider: R U a 'saver', someone who wants to help others but isn't looking at the whole person's situation. Again, this is something that a refuge can assist with by finding you a counsellor who can guide you. But one thing at a time!
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Thank you all for your help.
I don't know what I would do to find a different type of partner, I just can't imagine ever getting to that point. I live in hope.
All I know right now is that I will be able to resist the type of person that I have had. I never want that again and would rather live on the streets than ever get into the same relationship.
I feel like I want to know how I could recognise someone different? How would I know? Please can anyone tell me how this would work?
This is the only hope I have at the moment, knowing that I could attract a better type of person for me.
I am just so looking forward to getting my sleep, getting a job and getting my eye sorted out. I cannot wait. Then after that I can see how things are financially.
Everyone tells me how nice I am and how hard I have worked. I just cannot understand how I get these people.
I have actually resisted someone, he was my teacher. I left the course early which cost me £600.00. He dropped so many hints, but I could see he was just like this idiot I live with. He used to email me but I stopped responding. No way was I getting involved.
If someone could help me to see how changing the attracted or attraction to me for this non abusive person I would appreciate it, it's my only light at the end of the tunnel to be honest.
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Thanks for saying it's not me. I know its not me but it is good to hear that.
He won't get any hint of what I'm doing. He is too detached to realise.
Yes I have been picked out as one hell of a good thing to control. He was controlling me at work and at home at one time, I must have been the ultimate catch.
And he does that and twists it all onto me.
I know it's not me but thank you all the same for reinforcing my belief.
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It isn't you. He has the problem. Abusers repeat the World Over: "No one will want you like that"; "You are too ugly for anyone else to look at you so you are lucky to have me to care for you". Until the woman believes him. They erode self-confidence. They erode friendships. Many interact with the family until after marriage when they stop the woman meeting with friends/family/work colleauges because then, the man loses all control: and the woman he is controlling might talk .........
I think that once you have spoken to someone at a refuge you will gain strength. Does he insist on going to your appt. regarding your eye? Does he accompany you everywhere?
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My daughter got out of a controlling relationship, took her a long time to leave but she is a different person and now has a lovely boyfriend who is completely the opposite to her ex.
https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/
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Yes he does go to my eye appt. Funny that, because when I have been really poorly with peri symptoms he has watched me go to hospital alone, even at night.
He argues with people everywhere he goes. And he puts me down in front of people, even believing that and telling people that what he does to me I have done to him.
He always says the doctors know nothing. They are wrong about my IBS, wrong about my asthma, wrong about the peri menopause, he knows more than the doctors.
Even when I was in hospital he had an argument with the sister of the ward because I wasn't ready to leave when he got there.
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Can anyone explain this?
He bought me a child's coat once?
The sleeves were about three inches too short. He had a right go when I said it was too small, he said well fuck you then I'll give it to my daughter who was about 40 years old at the time. He even wrapped it up and gave it her for Christmas.
Really weird person.
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Weird.
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Unfortunately at the moment all I can think is this pattern of me meeting this type will repeat.
What is the answer to changing? How does it work?
When I am in this frame of mind I just feel like there is no point going through all of the upheaval, I may as well stay where I am.
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I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. You can't change the past but you can change the future and I'm glad you're making plans to do so. I think the key to a good relationship is to be happy with yourself and with being on your own. You're easier to control if you have no self-confidence and every time he puts you down he chips away at it. Yes, he is the problem not you but he can only control you if you allow it. I think it's good advice to put relationships on hold for a while until you have your self esteem back. You will be OK on your own, and once you know this you can be more picky. I'm sure you'll be looking for the signs of controlling behaviour and next time you'll be strong enough to tell him where he can go. Money is important within reason but you don't need it to be happy, I would choose poverty over an abusive relationship every time.
Everything is harder in peri though, if you don't feel well and you're always tired it makes everything more difficult.
I'd love to see his face when you walk and he finally realises he has no control over you any more.
Freud would have something to say about the coat, perhaps he sees you as a child who can be controlled?
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Or he is interested in children :-\ :-X
How has today been? I went from my parents' house to living with my husband. I didn't to the living alone/studen lodgings etc.; but would be prepared to live alone if someone abused me. I told DH that he would only lift his hand to me once, after that I would swing for him. I come from a noisy background and fortunately choose a lovely man.
Little steps. Half a day at a time ;-)
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He likes kids and animals, he feels safe as he can be in control.
Adults is another thing.
He isn't very nice most of the time so today's being ignored is nothing new.
He is just a wired person. Nothing I can do will change him.
I just want to get a job and get some money. I cannot see me ever being happy, I just attract too many horrible people.
I don't see any way out to be honest. I try my best every day, but I cannot see a way out.
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There are many, many women who have been in an abusive relationship, got away and led happy, fulfilling lives afterwards. You can be one of them. Perhaps speak to a helpline or women's refuge to discuss your options? They might be able to give you some pointers so you don't give the wrong signals. This relationship was probably doomed from the start as he was already in a position of power over you. It won't be like that next time. We're lucky to have a welfare state, food banks and women's refuges. If you walked out tomorrow you would be OK. There is a better future waiting for you.
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Well said sheila99. Every day is a learning curve. Making sure that you R safe Chihua is the first issue. Rome wasn't built in a day ;-) and well laid plans are important. You are worth at least a try at getting free and finding out who 'you' are. Little steps. You may well surprise yourself and find a totally different person inside ;-).
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Thanks Sheila99. And you are right. I agree 100%.
I think if I had friends and family then it would be easier.
I think I will feel better when I have a job.
And when I have a job I will be able to join some groups and mix with people. I love mixing with people and I have a lot to offer. I get told I am a nice person.
I know I sound like I am making excuses, but I have to get a job and I have to get my artificial eye sorted out. My eye should be ready in 4 weeks.
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No worry about making excuses. It's about making plans in your own time. Ideas in your head and then see what suits you at the time.
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I am a confident person. And I love mixing. I can go into a room not knowing people and feel ok. I can put people at ease, I've been told.
I do like the person I am. I don't think I would find a different me.
I think I have realised how I have made mistakes. I have settled for second best. I have also recently found a member of my family who has exactly the same type of partner!
Someone on here said had I saved people/partners and the answer is yes. My family member is exactly the same he called his partner a 'rescue!
My partners family are all 'spongers' they always find someonev with a house/car to latch onto.
I know I'm babbling now but I am working this out. When I think about my first boyfriend, I had none of this 'controlling' stuff, AND when he stopped me from going out with my friend, I dumped him! No problem.
Then the next boyfriend was a dick and I dumped him.
At the next point I had a boyfriend I had severe depression. Then I turned to someone else who watched his Mom get beaten by his Dad, he kept me like a caged animal and dropped by when he felt like it. Then this partner pushed me away from the last one to make his move.
I should have realised it was better to be alone, right from the severe depression relationship.
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CLKD, thanks so much.
Thanks for giving me those kind words.
It's important that I am not hard on myself at the moment.
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You are working it out. I learn something about Husband every day ;-). Old habits do die hard so it takes practice to alter our ways of behaviour.
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I once read somewhere that depression is anger turned inwards.
And we feel angry when someone disrespects and disregards our boundaries.
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You're older and wiser now, you won't make the same mistakes again. Depression is a funny thing. I've only had it mildly twice, post natal & peri. Both times I had a 'don't care' attitude and would take the easy way every time. I wonder if your depression made it easier for him to push you around?
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Yes the depression did make it easier. He wasn't good enough for me, and he knew it, he said it when we split up.
I am older and wiser, you are right, good point.
None of my boyfriends have dumped me, obviously because they enjoyed being abusive.
Posting on here has made me realise how I have behaved in the past, I haven't thought about it before.
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Probably written by someone who had never been depressed Focus? or was a so-called 'expert' - how I HATE that word >:(.
4 me depression is organic with situational/clinical depression thrown in occasionally. My brain chemistry is wrong if that makes sense ::) and the illness floored me. Medication helps.
Little steps ;-)