Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: ElkWarning on May 18, 2019, 10:02:55 AM
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I started HRT in July 2018, initially 25mg Estradot, already had a Mirena coil. I noticed an immediate improvement. Went back after a month, dose increased to 50mg. Went back in October and there was a question mark about my blood pressure, which had increased significantly, from 135 / can't remember at first GP appointment to 155 / can't really remember that either - sorry the upset has scrambled my brain. I was asked to keep a week long chart of BP, testing 5 x per day. I did this, and also stopped the HRT as I'd read this could contribute to an increase in BP. Went back to the GP with chart in hand, which also showed 155 / can't remember, and was told to restart the HRT and go to my union at work about stress / conditions and also ask for an immediate referral to occupational health. I was put on a repeat prescription, a replacement Mirena was arranged (because my other one was 'out of date') under general anaesthetic (due to panic disorder). Nothing about my BP. I have a preoperative assessment for the procedure in November, they say nothing about my BP, so I assume all is fine, and I don't go to the union or request a referral to occupational health, as also things have changed slightly at work and I'm under less stress.
I have an annual health check in April this year and my BP is really worrying, 170 / 103. I ask my line manager at work for a referral to occupational health, still believing that somehow this is connected to workplace stress. I see the occupational health nurse last week and she's more interested in how my BP started to rise at the point I went on to HRT. She doesn't tell me what reading she's getting, however, says that if in an hour I can't contact my GP, I'm to go to A&E. This is really scary at this point, especially as a lot of my panic disorder is connected to health anxiety (long story about my adult son being born with a life threatening condition and having a cumulative total of years in various intensive care units with him).
I do manage to get in touch with the GP, see a practice nurse, she takes my BP and tells me I have to stop HRT immediately and start taking medication for my BP. I'm also to monitor at home. I said to her that I had done this before, way back in October, when my BP first showed an increase, but was told by a different nurse to carry on with the HRT. She flicks through my notes on the computer and I can tell she's a bit non-plussed. She asks about what follow up I had in October about my BP and I tell her nothing, no follow up. I decide at that appointment (Wednesday just gone) that I would prefer to wait and see if coming off the HRT lowers my blood pressure rather than start a course of treatment that will be a lifetime commitment. She's not totally convinced, but says I'm to go back in two weeks, with a full BP monitor record for morning and evening. The next day (so this Thursday) I do my morning reading, 125 / 85, and then my evening reading 198 / 114. Obviously, the latter one is pretty awful. I go back to her on the Friday (yesterday) and start the BP medication immediately (2.5mg Rispirol). This morning I take my BP and it's roughly the same as it was on Thursday and Friday, i.e. before I started the BP medication. I frantically look up how long it is before Rispirol takes effect and it says a couple of hours. I then look up what this BP reading means and it says severe hypertension. I also look up how long it takes for Oestrogen to leave the body.
I can just sort of feel myself spiralling, that panic disorder thing. I don't know for sure whether my raised BP is connected to the HRT, but it sure looks like it is. I feel really angry about October's visit to the GP, because nothing was done, and a situation that should have been monitored wasn't. Instead, I was back on the HRT and ended up going through a procedure under GA that it seems I didn't need to have. Part of my panic revolves around getting locked on to things. Worse of all, my BP is obviously through the roof at this point and I'm panicking that the medication won't work, that it will just keep climbing, and I'll end up having a heart attack or stroke.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this out here. Has anyone had a similar experience? How do people cope with the unexpected and threatening? I should also maybe mention that I don't take any other daily medication. I have diazepam for panic. I can't take beta blockers because I'm an asthmatic (technically, don't generally have issues with it unless I get a bad cold or try and run three miles). I'm generally fit and healthy, cycle, walk, have a Fitbit that tells me I do more than enough exercise, eat well (mostly home cooked, largely plant based), slightly overweight (5ft 4" and nearly 12 stone). Basically, I feel very confused, because I feel very scared.
Sorry for the wall of text.
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........ and breath.
You could go to a Pharmacist for advice - they have private rooms these days.
Continue with the BP monitoring. White coat syndrome is very common which is why DH has a home monitor. The trick is to take BP at the same time every day - he takes his B4 breakfast between 8.30 and 9.00 a.m. Jots down the readings.
You are in general, fit! BP can rise without warning which is why it requires monitoring. Do consider going to a Pharmacist and have you an appt with the Practice nurse next week?
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Hiya
Phew, sorry, I think I just had to get it out this morning. Felt so wretched and weird. I haven't tried magnesium, or even heard of that, but I've just started on Meno support vits and minerals and that has magnesium in it. Will also shove some more kale into my breakfast smoothies. And yes, I'm horribly stressed. I think I'm going to have to consider some changes, rather than continue to approach every day as if it is a race to the end ... to be the most effective, most doing, most everything person.
It hadn't occurred to me to go to a pharmacist ... I guess I'd put it down to white coat syndrome, which is why I was 'looking forward' to taking my BP at home. I think I was panicking madly because instead of the expected result, i.e. lower, it's actually gone up! Rational me can see that's because I'm obsessing, but OCD is part of my panic disorder and so I feel like I'm stuck in a closed loop.
I didn't know BP can rise without warning, I suppose that also means it can fall in the same way. I suppose what I have now is knowledge, whereas before I didn't, and this is a good thing.
Appointment with nurse is on Tuesday 28th May. Before then I have to go and have blood works, which I'll do next week.
Thank you for the understanding, ladies, really do appreciate it, just got a bit rabbitty in the headlights this morning, and I should imagine not having the HRT any more isn't going to do me the power of good either.
Best wishes
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...... and breath ;-)
Health anxiety is common during The Change.
MayB keep a mood/food/symptom diary for 3-4 months to see if there is a pattern? I find that making a list of chores each evening gives me something to tick off each day so I can see exactly what I have achieved. Also shopping lists ...... never back myself into a corner with regards grocery shopping ......
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So Elkwarning - one thing at a time.... ;)
Any blood pressure reading of 130/80 is considered to be borderline moving into high blood pressure. My own gave me blood pressure medication at that reading. I have tried to stop it. Doesn't go crazy high but GP gets uncomfortable when it goes over 130 on the bottom rate. A reading of 125/85 is fine on the risipril.
Blood pressure fluctuates throughout the day, with exercise and so it going up high may have been cos you ran up the stairs or answered a telephone etc etc. The more you worry the higher it goes!
HRT can contribute to high blood pressure a bit but what is more likely to do it is the panic attacks and anxiety associated with meno plus one of the meno symptoms is cortisol surges (usually in the morning) and the hot flushes. All those things are not conducive to normal controlled blood pressure.
The fact you felt better on hrt almost immediately is good and giving it up and taking it on again and giving up is not a good way to go. Firstly it takes at least 3 months for hrt to have any impact on anxiety through meno so you are never going to be able to judge which symptoms it helps. Secondly your blood pressure meds need to settle also and I was told that checking blood pressure more than once a day is bad for your health! :)
Like CKLD says...take a deep breath. Keep taking your blood pressure meds and get the right ones to level out your reading but you are right not having hrt isn't going to help much either but it will be simple to go back on it as you know it helped initially you just weren't on it long enough to get the full effect.
I have high blood pressure and I had all the panic symptoms and spirilling and a whole host of other symptoms - forgetfullness - though I had dementia, panic attacks thought I was having a heart attack, irrational thoughts - bit like psychosis, aches and pains in my joints and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia - hah - turns out all menopause related and all gone now I have the right hrt - but I still take my blood pressure meds.
Sending much love - stop panicking (easier said than done!) - keep posting and tell us how you feel - meno is beyond scary but it can all be sorted, mostly because most of us don't understand what is involved or get the support we need from our GP's.
Ladies here will support you and answer any questions - tell you their experience and can also help in the middle of the night when we think we have lost our minds xx
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Hiya
Thanks for replies, to take each in turn:
And breathe ... I used to meditate a lot, because anxiety has dogged me for a long time now, but for some reason it just sort of got pushed to the side, probably because I thought I was too busy. So I can do that again. I have the tools (techniques), just need to make it a priority.
Mood, food, symptom diary is a good idea. Again, this is one of those things that I haven't prioritised ... And yes, even I can see this pattern where I don't prioritise myself. I'm going to do this, because it's also about just gathering myself together.
The advice from the nurses about work also probably wasn't wrong. At the occupational health assessment last week the nurse identified that I meet every single Health and Safety stressor criteria (demands, support, role, control, relationships, change). The report produced says my line manager has to carry out a risk stress assessment on this basis and I should work from home one day a week (so I can concentrate / not be continuously interrupted). To add some context, I manage three admins, as well as research governance, health and safety, labs, buildings, etc. One admin had medical issues, lots of time off sick, another admin's mother, who's advanced on the alzheimer's journey, developed a variety of medical issues, and there was lots of compassionate leave (sadly her mum died recently), and the third admin's husband was diagnosed with cancer, so understandably she was a bit sketchy. I've being trying to do the jobs of four people. And because we're a med school, and we work with patients, it's very difficult to just walk away from that, especially as my role makes me technically responsible for keeping the show on the road.
In terms of a chores list, yes, that makes a lot of sense, to put some time aside towards the end of the day (in my case the working day) to set up the tasks for the following one, because it had got to the stage where I just felt completely overwhelmed, both with responsibilities at work and at home. It didn't feel like I was getting anything done, and instead was in constant firefighting mode.
^^ The slightly odd thing with this, I suppose, is that I started to change it in January. I looked around and realised that I didn't really think I had much going on in terms of quality of life. I did dry January (more to see if I dropped any weight), joined the gym at work and discovered zumba and bounce dance, bought myself a new bicycle (with pedal assist, because four miles up hill first thing in the morning wasn't enjoyable) and went through the process of doing a bunch of filing both at home and at work (because getting things in the right place stops it feeling as if things are all over the place). I also started a short course at the Free University Brighton, and am now on the second short course. I've referred myself to Wellbeing services for therapeutic support, as my anxiety is most likely associated with PTSD - I've been told this before by NHS mental health professionals who advised when I felt ready I should go back and look into this more. Maybe I've just instituted too much change all at the same time, or maybe it's a time of change and that's simply very stressful for me. Just typing that out makes me realise how much I've got going on. My quality of life, however, since the beginning of the year, has improved. I got myself a Fitbit a couple of weeks ago and realised that if I danced everywhere I could up my step count. It's been so much fun, but when the nurse said 'No more zumba for you for now,' I felt really crushed. On the flipside, what the Fitbit has shown me is that I get nowhere near enough sleep, so looking to adjust that.
So I was on HRT for 10 months. My BP does rise throughout the day, and is definitely worse in the evening. I think that's why I've been told to monitor it morning and night. Yesterday it was much better (started the BP meds on Friday night), 160 / 96, after a pleasant trip out to our local café and an art exhibition in the park. This morning it's 121 / 82. I guess I needed a couple of 'good' readings (I can tell the evening one is rubbish, but not as bad as it has been, so heading in the right direction) ...
What you say, re: HRT and high BP, is interesting, because this is exactly the tack the initial nurse took, i.e. you should stay on the HRT. I think the mistake made there is that she should have also monitored my BP and thought about getting it under control rather than just switching me to a repeat prescription and ignoring it. That didn't help, because I feel very let down, and trust has been breached a bit. And I completely hear what you say about all the other symptoms. I went and asked for HRT after reading here and I recognised so many of the 'features'. It completely changed my life and it seemed like I was getting the old me back, so being told to stop it is a real blow - and having two nurses tutting about it has scared me off, and I wonder whether I'll just end up in the same state again. You're right though, BP under control, then look at HRT again. I think they way they've tried to impress on me how important the control element is has really unnerved me. Hubs is a uni lecturer, he came with me for one of the consultations, and despite his uber rational take on life, it scared him half to death - he wasn't putting that on me, but I could tell, because he looked so pale and his face does this thing when he's stressed.
Anyway, thank you, yes, I just needed some steady guidance from lived experience:
Breathe / slow down - this is top priority [meditation likely helpful for me as well];
Mood / food / symptom diary [so I can make sense of things myself];
Daily task list [realistic and achievable, will help with orientation, and stop trying to over-achieve];
[Get more sleep]; and
Understand that being well is a process and you have support.
Well now that made me cry. It's funny how alone you feel, even with a supportive partner, family and friends. Thank you. I'll probably keep writing stuff here for a bit, because it seems to really help. Haven't cried in so long - ye, there's probably something in that as well.
You're all amazing.
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Unfortunately, I'm not superwoman, just someone who likes to pretend I am, and that's most likely the root of the problem. I feel the need to constantly prove myself.
Re: the magnesium, is magnesium stearate ok? My meno vits and minerals only list that type of magnesium but say they contain 27% of daily requirement. I do also eat loads of veg. Would you suggest something else?
And ye, meditation can be powerful. I'm just never very good at getting down to it. What have you found to be effective?
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Hi Elk Warning, there is not much I can add to the excellent advice the other ladies have given here, but I just wanted to say I think the strategies you've decided to adopt to help your health are very sensible, especially given your stressful job situation. You are a veteran of meditation so know how helpful regular practice can be & you've acknowledged that trying to get as much sleep as you can is really important. You pack a lot into your life, so I think some more sedate relaxation in addition to the exercise may be what's missing. Like you, I let the meditation slip & am trying to get it back to regular practice. If you can't manage formal meditation sessions as frequently as you'd like, any form of R&R you can make time for should also help reduce your stress levels & get your BP down (pottering in the garden, a good book, calming music on your MP3).
If you never had EMDR for the PTSD this may be worth asking about when you go for your Wellbeing assessment or even a refresher CBT/counselling course to help with feelings of panic & anxiety - I say refresher assuming you've had counselling before. Sorry, hope I haven't missed mention of that in your posts.
You are very capable & touchingly receptive to the advice the other ladies have given, so I have no doubt that you will get this thing cracked.
Please keep posting & let us know how you get on. You are never alone here.
Wx
Ladybt28 - great post!
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Forgot to say - if not checked recently, maybe think about asking for a thyroid function test - raised BP can be a sign of a thyroid disorder.
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Crikey. I need to lay down for an hour in a darkened room. Typical isn't it! One takes on more and more and no one else notices >:( been there etc.. Get them to contact an agency or local College/job centre, even if it's to get someone in 2 cover making teas/coffee; buying buns, filing ....... make a note of what takes up the niggles in your day that you could delegate to someone. Point out that you may well be next to take time off ;-).
Your work sounds interesting ?!? ........ if you had time to draw breath ::).
Step back and look at what you actually do :o 8) ;)
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Hey ... I think you might be right about some more sedate relaxation that doesn't have a goal to it, and achievement at the end. I can't remember the last time I read a book just to read a book - I've literally just ploughed through Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morality, lol, ye, I'm going to read a book just for the hell of it ... I used to do that all the time, really enjoy junk sci-fi.
And you're right. I have had therapy before, most recently at the end of 2017 beginning of 2018 (NHS). The psychologist said she thought I should do a year of psycho-dynamic thingy, but I just didn't feel like I had the energy for all that emotional labour. I've been papering over the cracks for a long time though. I'm not sure it's viable any more ... I'm also not sure whether I can cope with digging about in all sorts.
I want to be receptive as well, because I do think that together people can help each other. It's not so much that I'd try anything at this point, more that I sort of feel open to the process. I'm scared because I thought I knew, and it turns out I don't, but I'm pretty sure some of you do, so that's a good thing, I think.
And Birdy I will look at the magnesium. I know there's nothing wrong with my thyroid, because they've tested that on numerous occasions, and I'll ask for some up to date results there.
As for work, the occupational health nurse said I needed to get a new job description agreed, one that reflects what I've been doing for the last 18 months. Because my employer hasn't wanted to put the new responsibilities into writing, they haven't back-filled the parts of the role I can no longer do. So you're right, CLKD, it's a process of stepping back and looking at that.
It's so great to let it out, finally, and admit that I can't cope. I'll keep you posted.
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You don't need to feel alone any more Elkwarning - we are all here and some of us will have been through similar times - some of us will have had family trauma's. All of us believe we have to be Superwoman but unfortunately we hate to break it to ourselves that we actually don't have her powers and then we feel guilty because of all the things we think "we should be able to do".
4 people's jobs for 18 months...no wonder you are on your knees physically and mentally without any meno symptoms or health issues thrown in and your bosses need to do something otherwise what will they do when you go sick for 6 months!! I do get a bit cross about nurses putting the wind up people about hrt and blood pressure and weight issues or whatever else is the current "bee in the bonnet" issue of the day. I don't mean that like it sounds, it's important yes, but they should just put out the facts calmly and then set out a treatment plan. Scaring people who are anxious anyway is completely self-defeating!
I bet your post says only about half of the things you have done in the last 2 years but that's all you could manage to get down on paper and then you were thinking "god that sounds awful.." but there was this and this and this...and how did I or am I doing this - no wonder you are worried, scared and upset. I have had years and years like that in my life and I look back and I think...how did I do that? and why can't I do that now? and I should be able to that now! It's because we are older and maybe not feeling ourselves cost of meno and just quite frankly we have run our of steam.
Stop papering over the cracks and tell us all about it and then when you feel you can't tackle something (however small) there will be one of us (or loads of us ;)) offering suggestions and supporting whilst you find a way to do it. Sounds like you have good workplace systems available for "wellbeing" though...? so take advantage of them.
You are in good hands here...don't feel bad about your husband feeling panicked or not understanding meno or anything else... I'm going to be really sexist here and say that although I have a wonderful, kind, understanding husband he is still a man! and however much they try personally I think they are never really going to understand what it is to be a woman!! ;D
Thinking of you x
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Ye, we put a lot on ourselves don't we.
So ... I accidentally added something to the list: 'reach out'.
Breathe: I went to mindfulness at work Monday lunch time. Not been before. Asked to tag along with my colleague who's mother recently passed. I got a bit of a shock. Five minutes in and I thought I was going to scream. There was this little me inside, who I could see, bouncing off the walls of my body, going super crazy, shouting 'Let me out of here'. At one point I thought I might actually stand up and do that, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I followed the voice of the person leading the session and tried to not engage, not judge and not analyse, and I'm going to stick with that. I think I'm really distressed, and that's probably why I don't sit still. Hmmmm. It was lovely though (which might sound a bit weird) and I did almost manage to breathe instead of gulp air like a fish out of water.
Mood - that's turned out to be a funny one. I've realised I don't really think about that and I'm finding it hard to pin down what mood I'm in. What I have noticed though is these enormous flashes of anger. Volcanic. Because I'm sort of looking at them from the side now I can see they're anger. I think before I thought they were stress, and they might still be, but I hadn't realised how angry I was, or how much much I was repressing that anger.
As for the task list, that's going amazingly well, mostly because just looking at them like that allows me to see who else can do it ... it's helped me externalise them and think of them as things that need doing rather than attacks on myself. However, see above for flashes of anger. Some people really are good at pushing back aren't they? Sods.
Sleep is plainly a huge bug for me. This is probably going to be a slow process. Went out for a walk last night after dinner. Going out for a walk tonight after dinner. It's like I need to put myself back in my body and my body back into the world. I spend all evening in my head, because I don't get time to think at work, and that's mentally and physically exhausting, but isn't helping with the going to or staying asleep thing ...
^^ This also connects to the reaching out. The words 'I need help' are obviously not ones I feel at all comfortable saying, but I've found that reaching out here has encouraged me to reach out slightly more generally. Lovely hug with my colleague who came back to work from compassionate leave - obviously, my main focus was her wellbeing after her mum, however, I did say to her that I thought I was struggling a bit and it was lovely to have her back (nothing more, didn't want to put this on her). I'm also meeting another colleague tomorrow for a coffee, because she came to me about a year ago when her blood pressure was through the roof and she didn't know which way to turn. I kind of figured some friendly support from someone I know who's been through this is possibly a good thing. Also had a lovely chat with a lady called Jan while we were both waiting (over an hour!) for our blood tests. She was lovely.
Haven't looked into the magnesium yet. That's probably a thing for the long weekend.
Hope you're all doing well and have the sunshine where you are. Such a beautiful day today.
xxx
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Hi Elkwarning. Great to know you are already putting measures in place to help with the stress. Well done, you - it can be so hard to make changes when we feel as though things will fall apart if we step back from firefighter mode. I am so glad you have some good colleagues to talk to for support in what sounds like a very full-on job situation. We all need a support network - it's not a weakness to admit to struggling. You are on the right track now.
Enjoy those evening walks & do the mindfulness thing while you're out - feel the breeze in your hair, listen to the birds, notice the scenery, smell the mown grass/oil seed rape/seasalt on the air (permission to skip the sniffing if all that's around is car fumes or the scent of rape flowers does for your hay fever/asthma ;)) Be conscious of any tension in your body while you walk & jiggle a bit to release it - you know the drill!
Find a light, absorbing book to drive work worries from your mind once you've done your task list for the next day in the knowledge everything is organised, so you can relax with something that will rest your brain a little. Nietzsche for pleasure though?! Really?! You are in a bad way girl! They had to handcuff me to my desk to get me to read that stuff 35 years ago at uni!
Keep posting.
Wx
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Sooooooooooooo, today was rubbish. Got an email to say that I couldn't work from home one day a week (recommendation of occupational health) until it was agreed. Met with the colleague, and she basically said: what the hell are you doing here, go home, you're sick, you shouldn't be at work, you need to sort yourself out, if you'd just been knocked over by a bus you wouldn't be at work with two broken legs, a punctured lung and a skull fracture, you must go home, you must contact your GP if your blood pressure is still rising, you have to sort this out, not come here and read emails and worry about site inspections, don't come back until your BP is under control. She was lovely and kind and gentle with all of this, and kept cuddling me, but it was as if something just broke and I had a panic attack ...
Went back to my office, collected my things, came home. Phoned the docs, they said nurse is back in on Friday and to phone then. Took 2mgs of diazepam, went to bed, watched some Jonathan Creek, fell in and out of sleep for about four hours.
Ye, so I think I'm at the end of my rope, and just breathing probably means not going to work for now. Pretty sure I just have to stop. Oh dear. And really loving having no more HRT, that's doing wonders for my anxiety.
Sorry ladies, like being hit by a truck.
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ElkWarning. Your colleague was right. I've been off work for nearly 4 weeks now ... and I work from home 4 days a week already !!
I have an important role at my company, but have only been in the job 6 months. I had surgery at the end of January (one ovary removed) and went back to work 2 days later. I kept going and going. I was having panic attacks and ended up on the phone to a colleage (who happens to be the company's employment lawyer !!), and she said I needed to take time.
My boss, a man in the USA, has been so supportive. I ended up telling him pretty much everything that was going on (although I skipped the vaginal atrophy bit ;D).
You have to trust that your company will be supportive. Get yourself signed off. Talk to HR. If they don't have a specific menopause policy, you are covered under the Equal Opportunities legislation.
If you had flu, or broke a leg you would take time off to heal. This is what you need to do now.
And yes, it's like being hit by a truck. One that you don't see coming and the driver doesn't stop to see if you are ok !!
I suggest you spend tomorrow in bed. I've spent an awful lot if time in my bed over the last 4 weeks ... it's my safe place. :)
Hope you've eaten something this evening.
Big hugs. Pants. x
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Elkwarning - so sorry to hear this. Pants is right - have a good talk to your GP & get signed off. Your employer needs to take this seriously & put measures in place to help you through this patch, but for now you need to rest. Sending a big hug.
Wx
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Skipped the vaginal atrophy bit :)
We don't take time, do we, until we're forced to, I guess. Even sitting here this morning, I'm thinking of all the things I could be doing while I'm at home sick, how much I could cram into the day. Now I'm in a state I can see this is a symptom of panic disorder, whereby I just can't relax, ever, and this is the issue. Also, getting well, I've realised, is a goal so that I can go back to being 'superwoman', so this ain't never going to work under these terms.
Made a doctor's appointment for 3pm. If my blood pressure is going up instead of down on the medication, and it was urgent before, then it must still be urgent now, especially with all this anxiety and lack of HRT feeding into it. Re: the menopause policy and equal ops, ye, I have to talk to my line manager, but there's a few things going on at the same time - operating loss, staff cuts, workload being shifted from central to local, and so they're not keen to accept this is having a negative impact and would prefer to make it entirely personal. There was a restructure last October (which is when my issues started) and my boss (professor / consultant psychiatry who was my line manger) became my day-to-day supervisor and line management was shifted to a new 'operations manager', who has no experience of the research setting and either doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand, what's going on. She's outwardly supportive, but ... odd for her not to have acted on the recommendations of the occupational health report from 10 days ago, or that I had to chase her for a catch up, which she said she didn't have time for.
So how are you doing now, after four weeks, Pants? Bed sounds good. And I'll see what the doc says, Wren. Of course, I have very little sick leave on file and stacks of annual leave to take.
Ladies, thank you so much. Now for a vegan bacon sandwich :)
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ElkW, please don't use your annual leave for this, it's not what it's there for :-\
I actually came close to resigning a couple of months back, I just felt terrible and felt so guilty that the company had only just hired me. I made it to the 6 month's of employment stage, then got signed off for 2 weeks. Tried to go back, but burst into tears on the call with HR. She told me I wasn't ready to come back !! So I've taken another couple of weeks. Go back on Wednesday.
As I work from home 4 days out of 5, I should be able to manage it. If I don't make it to London for a few weeks, it won't cause any major problems.
I've slept a lot over the past 4 weeks. Like you, I think about what I can get done at home while I'm not working. But I haven't had the energy or motivation to do much. It's a good day if I have washed my hair !!
Yesterday was ok ... I had a bit of energy, and felt a little lighter. Didn't really know what to do with myself. But today I'm back to feeling sluggish.
You need to take it easy. Stuff around the house can wait. Snuggle down somewhere comfy and cool with a good book, a bbc iPlayer box set or netflix. Chill. xx
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Hi ElkWarning
Sorry to hear you are going through a very bad time with you BP and anxiety.
I suffered a similar thing about 4 years ago with my BP going up very high. Even called an ambulance.
I was so scared at the time which wasn't helping my BP. I used to lay in bed with a BP monitor. I tried medication, ramipril, my BP was dipping to 90 over 50 at times. In the end I went to a cardiologist and got checked out. All was fine it was the anxiety pushing it up. It didn't settle over night, it has taken a while. All okay now, I'm not any medication for it,just run and swim every day. I'm using the evorell conti patches.
Hope you are better soon xx
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Hello, just thought I'd check in with you lovely ladies.
The doctor's appt on Wednesday went really well. Turns out all my bloods were back and that seemed to make a huge difference as they're all great. The doc said she wasn't worried about my BP at all. It peaks high, like it would for someone under a lot of stress, but my morning readings are perfectly fine, almost better than fine. We had a brief chat about why I was so messed up in the head about all of this, and she said it's likely because of two factors, me saying I drink slightly over the weekly limit, and because I'm an ex-smoker. Apparently, it's generally accepted that they double whatever it is you admit to drinking, and if you've been a smoker, they make certain judgements which are usually right about your lifestyle. Long story short, it appears they were trying to shock me into changing a lifestyle they thought I had ... Well, I was shocked, horribly, and then just ended up in a tail spin. Now they have my bloods, they can see there's nothing wrong with my kidneys or liver or pancreas, so they started treating me differently.
The doc's advice was to increase the BP medication to 5mgs of Ramipril, and while I've had a couple of low readings, I do still seem to be in the 150 / 90 zone (it's quite a bit lower than this earlier in the day). She was also quite keen that I should lose a couple of stone (currently 11.5, 5ft 4"). I did realise that while my main diet is fine, I do tend to snack out a bit, so it's fruit and calorie counting for a while. I've also upped my step count on my Fitbit thingy ... I've signed up for the mindfulness, pilates and yoga at lunchtime at work. I know it seems like more, and a plan, and another goal, but on the plus side, it's also about me and being away from my desk and creating new habits, putting myself first. I checked out swimming as well, and was surprised to find my little local pool is a lot more accessible than it used to be, so I'll be trotting up there once or twice a week - I really do love swimming.
And it's interesting what you say, Vicky, sounds so much like me. I do feel like it's my anxiety driving it, which then drives my anxiety, that in turn drives it. It's a loop. I can't think of anything else to do other than try and learn to relax more. I have more bloods tomorrow, as the doc basically said we're going to do a full cancer work up, so you know you don't have that, and then maybe you can let go of your health anxiety ...
Pants, you sound depressed sweetheart, although I have a bit of an odd view about depression, which is that I think it can sometimes be productive reflective time ... obviously, it can also be really debilitating.
I took Thursday off, but after the chat with the doctor I did feel so much better. Went in on Friday to find an invite in my calendar for that day for a stress risk assessment from my new line manager (who obviously knew I was off Thursday with huge stress). It turned out she needed to do it then, because she wanted to wedge it in before her annual leave and my next appt with the OH. We went through it, which was a bit tricky, as I carry them out in my Dept, and am trained to do so, whereas this was her first one and she hasn't had any training. She was very keen to put all workplace stressor as low and home stressors as high. I was then told we had nearly a £1 million hole in our operating budget, so we would all have to work harder with less resources. This was a moment of realisation, I guess, as I suddenly became aware that I've been quite lent on for a long time to go 'above and beyond'. I'm going to spend next week rewriting my job description, as suggested by the OH, just to make it perfectly clear what I am meant to be doing and what's really not my responsibility. In that way, I can push back when work keeps walking through my door, and also show where the holes are in professional services provision in the unit.
So let's see where I am in a couple of weeks ... I do still feel I'm on the 'breathe' part of the whole equation.
Huggles.
EK
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Is she in a position to tell you about the 'hole in finances' I would have thought that this was outside her remit.
You can't be sacked for being ill. There has to be support in place and there has 2 be consultation periods .........
Treat this like a dose of 'flu. If you have 'flu, you don't get out of bed ;)
There is no such thing as a vegan bacon sandwich! I've eaten a proper pork bacon on toast lunch this morning ;-). Vegan is OK but please don't make out that you eat a 'bacon' sandwich!
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Apparently, it's generally accepted that they double whatever it is you admit to drinking, and if you've been a smoker, they make certain judgements which are usually right about your lifestyle. Long story short, it appears they were trying to shock me into changing a lifestyle they thought I had ... Well, I was shocked, horribly, and then just ended up in a tail spin. Now they have my bloods, they can see there's nothing wrong with my kidneys or liver or pancreas, so they started treating me differently.
I feel upset & angry for you that your GP plunged you into panic with this misguided approach - making assumptions about your lifestyle. I had heard the doubling of alcohol intake rule before, which makes me despair. Surely a GP consultation where we are asking for help demands honesty from all parties? Whatever happened to trust?
I can't think of anything else to do other than try and learn to relax more.
I think your plans for the various exercise/relaxation activities are great & should help, providing these, on top of your job, don't leave you rushing from one class to another . . . leaving no time for just chilling.
Time to be a human being, rather than a human doing?!
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I like that phrase Wrensong - a human being rather than a human doing! :) I think we ALL fall into that trap.
I think your GP gave with one hand Elkwarning and took with the other. Fancy suggesting that their patients are "lying about their alcohol intake" which is what she was doing when she said they take what they are told and double it! Huh - that's not on!
and the OH was'nt that helpful either. Fancy telling you there is an operating hole in the budget when you are already "so above and beyond" it is affecting everything about your health! Talk about guilt trip!! I'm quite cross on your behalf...honestly what planet are these people on?
You always sound so reasonable when you post but you really must remember it is "all about you" now and you're new "healthy living" plan sounds great. Hope it works out - will be looking out for your updates :) Tell us how you are getting on.
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I think that anyone who pushes the financial state of a Company is looking over their shoulder already. In other words, don't rock the boat! Which should be ignored.
Maybe jot down a time-line of your symptoms and meetings with HR etc. and make copies of any e-mails - is there a Union at work? You are entitled to a Union Rep at such meetings.
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I have been on ramipril low dose for a year went for Dr appointment as thought I was going mad was told by the nurse blood pressure was high so Dr put me on Double the dose also put me on HRT I left it 3 weeks before taking the Hrt to make sure I could work out any side effects basically blood pressure is still high. I used to use magnesium but didn't think I could take that as well as blood pressure tablets. The HRT I have now been on for a month the I'm going mad thing has improved sleeping better as flushed not so bad I was ofter dizzy and had blurry vision which has stopped all things that I never connected to menapause. Only thing is my Breasts are really tender is this very common? I'm trying to book a Dr appointment to take BP readings to but its so hard to book In.
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Yes tender breasts are very common on starting hrt. There are going to be fluctuations and the considered "wisdom" on hrt is that it will take at least 3 months for some symptoms or all of them to "settle". Some of us it takes longer but generally 3 months is what you should give it before making any kind of changes to the routine or the regime.
I am on hrt on a cycle regime although I am post meno. I still get sore breasts during the progesterone part of the cycle and during the bleeding bit, although it is much less than when I started hrt.
Personal experience and also some of the ladies on here seem to say that the longer you have had really really bad symptoms, then the longer it takes for the body to readjust. One month is early days. Let us know how you get on.
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Yes, Nicola. Sore boobs. And sorry to hear about the going mad thing. Sounds as if the HRT is really helping though with some symptoms you don't want to have and don't feel comfortable with being loads better. Onwards and upwards as they say.
CLKD, aye, well, personally I think there's all sorts of politicking going on at work. It's a much longer story about how research is horribly under-valued in the academy these days. I believe they would like to make this my fault, I also believe they'll have a bloody difficult job doing that. My line manager has just screwed up recruitment for two posts in my department (it's not her department) that my academic boss has just had to cancel his annual leave this Friday to sort it out. Make of that what you will <<< frustrating <<< stress producing.
And ladies, I like human being rather than human doing ... and vegan bacon sandwiches, they are a thing, not nearly as nice as actual bacon sandwiches, but I tend to eat what's left in the fridge.
So, quickie update, BP still high, but not catastrophically high anymore, sort of 140/150ish over 90ish. I've narrowed down my 'new me' options to yoga twice a week and swimming once a week. This is doable without me running around like a blue-arsed fly from one thing to another. I've decided which project I'm going to pursue over the next year - edit my husband's lectures into a book, basically, it's load of audio typing, but as I started out as an audio typist, it's not too bad, and I'm attending the lectures in any event, so it won't be too confusing. I'm also going to continue with a little blog I have about personal and political stuff all seen through the lens of what's going on at the allotment. These are just musings really.
^^ this should help with the breathing and mood stuff. I can organise the tasks sensibly as a lot of it is pretty elastic.
My Fitbit with its app is helping monitor the sleep and water intake - I'm amazed at how drinking more water really does help.
Saw the nurse today and she encouraged me just to stick with things I enjoy and not go at it like a bull in a china shop. I go back to see her in three weeks for a check up. She also told me to stop taking my blood pressure, to ignore it completely, and only start up again on 12th June, seven days before I see her.
As a complete aside, my son-in-law's brother is a tattooist, and I've booked two with him (I have others). I'm going to get the words 'No one's slave, no one's master' done on the inside of my right arm, so as I reach out to give or accept things from people, I'm saying it. Wanted it for ages. Thought it would look silly on an old lady.
Catch up soon.
Big love to all.
I couldn't have done it without you.
xxx
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Elkwarning, you are sooo organised & so positive. I am proud of you! :medal:
Just don't let them get away with taking advantage of your conscientiousness & good nature at work. Your health & wellbeing are too important for work to be allowed to compromise them.
Love the tattoo idea! Yes, please keep us all updated.
Wx
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I didn't just want to disappear, but I'm very conscious that I'm constantly talking about myself and that makes me feel a bit odd and needy.
The blood pressure still hasn't really shifted. I started taking it again, as instructed by the nurse, on 12th June. It's 150ish over 90ish.
I've settled into a routine: yoga once a week, swimming once a week, very very gentle gym twice a week. Just making that space for myself has had a significant impact. I've started doing things that I haven't done for ages, like painting my nails. I don't think I'd realised quite how 'Yes to everyone else, no time left for me' I'd become. And you were all right. Stop. Slow down. Press the pause button. Breathe.
Things at work are tough and easy all at the same time. Tough because my line manager isn't taking into account the recommendations of occupational health. I have another meeting on Monday to go through the Stress Risk Assessment again. It's all a bit odd. OH are saying you should do this (x, y, z) immediately so that you're complying with disability and discrimination legislation, and management are saying they just need to complete the risk assessment and x, y and z require careful consideration at some point in the future. Consequently, OH are currently refusing to sign me off because nothing is being put in place ... Alongside this, the proverbial has hit the fan at work with the introduction of staff cuts. We were all called to a big meeting and told that vacant posts would be left vacant to save money. From my perspective, it looks as if management have decided that they're going to treat my health status and the intervention of OH as a cynical move on my part to try and leverage the situation ...
Anyway, why is it easy? Because I don't care. I've had one day off sick, and even then I was attending a doctor's appointment. I turn up on time, when I can't get stuff done I explain it's because of a strategic policy adopted by management. Not my fault, not my problem. No more working through lunch hours or trying to prove what a valuable member of staff I am. It's just so easy once you put yourself first and realise they don't really give a rat's ass. I literally have no idea why I just spent four / five years of my life trying so hard. I guess that's the funny thing about letting go, once you do it, you've let go.
But yes, just come home from the allotment. Weeded my garlic patch. Took the little doggo with me. Had a lovely time watching the sun go down while munching on rice cakes and an apple.
Once again, I can't thank you enough, ladies. xxx
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Sorry missed your updates.
.......... take time to sniff the roses. Which you are doing. Pity that OH and management aren't on the same page, does management attend the meetings with OH?
Do you remember upright type-writers and Tip-ex ;D
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Hi Elkwarning, thanks so much for the update - had been wondering how you were. Please don't worry about telling it like it is - that doesn't make you needy in the least. This is that safe place we can all do that, in the knowledge that other women understand & want to help.
I can't comment on the BP as it's outside my experience, but hopefully someone else who knows more will be along soon.
The yoga, swimming & gentle gym routine sounds very sensible & I have no doubt that if you continue along those lines it will help reduce the stress generated by the work situation. The nail painting is lovely & made me realise that the bottle I brought downstairs to do my toenails about 3 weeks ago is still sitting there unopened! The half hour sitting still after each coat while it dries is the deterrent. Can't work with the quick drying stuff - tends to leave furrows!
The work situation sounds tricky. If you feel you need to be signed off & OH are not helping, then I would think about going back to your GP. Whatever the situation as regards department cuts, your employers have to realise they cannot expect to stretch existing staff to breaking point.
No more working through lunch hours or trying to prove what a valuable member of staff I am. It's just so easy once you put yourself first
However, if this new attitude you've felt obliged to adopt is working for you, together with the relaxation measures outside work & the two approaches combined reduce your stress to a manageable level, then the least stressful thing might be to stay at work & see what happens before you take any further steps. Only you know what feels right here.
Great that you have an allotment & a little dog & that the beauty of a lovely sunset still gives you pleasure. Sounds to me as though you are doing all the right things. Everything crossed that the work situation will improve & you continue to feel better & more in control.
Wx
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When you've cracked what we ought to be doing, maybe start some Classes for us ;)
Do keep in touch. We all need to know how others are 'doing' :)
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Hiya
Me again. Well, something happened that I wasn't expecting ... I saw a therapist, and I got a diagnosis ... so much stuff just fell into place. For years I've proceeded on the basis that I have Panic Disorder and hyper-anxiety. I did, and I was pretty successful at tackling that. Turns out I appear to have OCD, or a version of it, largely arising from a horribly chaotic childhood, with my son's (26 years old today) life-limiting and life-threatening condition playing straight into that chaos - his condition means I have to be highly vigilant and reactive. Of course, looking back at my posts here, and reading my own words about how I'm going to control the situation ... I don't know. It explains a lot of stuff. At the moment I'm thinking about whether I'm going to go into therapy on a weekly basis.
BP still not fantastically under control, so dose of Ramipril increased to maximum. The nurse is happy with how it is most of the time (from the twice daily readings) but not the spikes; but as the spikes are most likely caused by the above ...
Currently cycle every day, swim once a week, yoga once a week, gym twice a week, cry every day minus the HRT.
Hope you're all keeping good or, as they say, as well as can be expected.
Best EW xxx
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Hi EW, I'm so sorry to know of your son's health problems. Happy birthday to him for today. Had no inkling of how much you have on your plate in addition to work. No wonder you've felt so stressed.
Thinking back to your earlier posts, I realise now they remind me of a younger friend, a lovely woman who also has OCD. She has apparently boundless energy & always seems to need to fill every minute with activity. As I think you've told us you work in a Psych dept, it seems surprising to me that if you do have OCD tendencies, this was not identified earlier by one of your colleagues.
I think the prospect of regular therapy sounds as though it might be very helpful at this point in your life. Someone who can work with you to identify what's really going on & develop strategies to make life easier. But what do you think?
I'm currently having (private) counselling to help me process the aftermath of a very difficult year in 2018 & did the same for 9 months about 10 years ago when the combination of a sledgehammer peri & other chronic health conditions left me highly stressed & struggling to cope. It can be tough going airing painful issues, but can also really help, so I would encourage you to think about it. Invaluable having that safe place to talk with someone trained to listen, who we know will not be burdened by anything we need to work through. And the time to do something just for you, when from all you say you have not really had time to focus on your own needs.
If this approach might also help reduce your BP, seems another good reason to go ahead with therapy to me.
The varied exercise regime sounds excellent & I hope this helps you feel you have some control over improving your health. May take time to see results, but you are investing in a better future by being physically active.
The tearfulness without HRT is sad to hear of, but I can relate to that too. I'm also currently struggling with persistent symptoms without systemic HRT. Is there any prospect you will be able to go back on HRT or is the BP still precluding that?
Let us know what you decide about the therapy & how you are. Sending a big hug & hoping you will soon be feeling less vulnerable with the right sort of support.
Wx
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Hello
Sooooo, things went haywire in a good way, I guess ...
Right at the beginning of July I got hit by what I can only describe as a fatigue truck. I had an appointment with Occupational Health on the 3rd, and the nurse was really supportive and slightly, er, surprised that all of her recommendations had been rejected on the grounds of them not meeting the 'business need'. Essentially, management were saying that they wouldn't make any adjustments. She told me to go to my GP and explain the situation, which I did on the 4th. The GP then signed me off for two weeks. They pulled up all my medical records and identified that my BP had gone mad from October last year and in their opinion it wasn't as a result of HRT, but instead due to whatever was going on at work - they talked to me about this at some length. The short version is that they think I'm in a stress loop, and it really does feel like that. The doc suggested I could consider looking for another job, and should probably contact my union.
So I went into work the following day, because the guy who's my boss (before the restructure and who I still support in my role) was in for a few hours before heading off on two weeks annual leave. We had a really nice chat and he was absolutely fuming. As he correctly identified, everything was fine until the restructure (last October, lol, yeah, when my BP kicked off) and he said he wanted to take me back under his wing so that I could be brilliant me and he would be responsible for ensuring I had the flexibility to do my job properly. It wasn't until I was talking to him that I realised we used to work stuff out between ourselves and it's the interference of 'management' which is screwing things up. The way he's going to tackle this is by going to my line manager's line manger. While this is a kind of weight of my mind, I do feel as if it's also potentially conflict and I'm relatively conflict averse - except, of course, I'm currently playing out this conflict in other areas of my life.
I haven't contacted the union yet, because I wanted to take the two weeks sick leave for R&R, rather than still be immersed in all the problems that got me here in the first place.
In terms of the self care element, I really did want to get on with yoga, but just couldn't. I tired mindfulness and ended up with a war in my head and near a panic attack. So I'm at gym 2 - 3 times a week and swimming once a week. This does seem to be working for me. I'm on edge though. All the time.
In other news, I had to say goodbye to my dear old dog, Dexter, last Wednesday. A vet came to our home. Hubs took little dog (Harley) out to the pub, which meant I did it on my own. It was terribly hard. I'm still crying every day. A rescue puppa, he'd been with me 15 years. It's just awful. What I am able to recognise, though, is just how much shit (sorry for the language) I plough through. I've got so much on my plate ... pretty sure most of it is a relatively common experience, e.g. dealing with old pets, ageing parents, kids striking out on their own, the old body falling apart a bit, workplace issues, hormones all over the place, sudden change creating a fear of the future, etc. It's a lot. You're just jogging along and then, suddenly, wham, so many things smack you in the face all at once. It's like I haven't got any resilience left.
Re: therapy, it's really tough, realising a bunch of stuff. I know that I knew it, but now I'm saying it. Some things I've never actually articulated before, e.g. yeah, I know what it feels like to love other people, but I don't know what it feels like when other people love me, I know they do, because their actions show it, but I don't feel it, or if I do feel it, I don't have a reference point for it. Very weird. Lots of stuff being thrown up all at once.
Hope you're all ok.
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Elk,
Please don't feel too sad, for too long, about losing your beloved Dexter. You quite clearly gave him a wonderful life. And at the end you gave him the greatest gift.
He was a very lucky dog to have been rescued into your loving home. Have no regrets, and remember all the joy he bought you.
Wishing you well, Pants. xx