Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: gina123 on March 06, 2009, 11:26:03 AM
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hi girls
do you think there is such a thing as empty nest syndrome?..i miss my kids a lot...eldest stays over 100 miles away..which means to me...1 hour car,3 quarter hour boat ,3 hours car ....i do miss being able to just pop over..we saw him and his fiancee 3 weeks ago and it feels like months....the youngest lives 10 minutes away..but he has his life and i don't see a great deal of him..he phones nearly every day and pops in for a flying visit...i do his washing at the moment as i am not working..so makes me feel useful i suppose..but the house used to be so alive what with them and all thier pals..i try some days to listen and if i do very hard i can almost hear the laughter that surrounded us..
i guess once a mum always a mum ;D
does anyone else feel this way?
cheers guys
gina
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Hi Gina
I am not sure that I feel the same way, as hubby and I are really quite enjoying this period of life and the freedom we have, however,we do see our grown up children quite often, one still lives at home anyway, although is out mostly so you wouldn't know it, and another lives quite a distance, but comes home regularly. I think you have got to congratulate yourself on doing such a good job bringing them up that has enabled them to live independently, I also think you have got to let them go at a certain point to allow them to come back.
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Gina, my kids are still at home, thank goodness! My son is 17 and my daughter is 10 but I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like if my son left home. He still hasn't made his mind up whether or not he will go to Uni next year but I know I will find it very hard to accept if he does - I will miss him SO much. Sometimes I moan because the house is always so busy and noisy but I know I wouldn't like it if it was quiet all the time! I feel for you, I really do.
Libby
x
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It is horrible libby..eldest didnt make i home for xmas..came for new year..i cried most of xmas day..
gina
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Yep Empty Nest Syndrome is well recognised. However, it's natural for kids to fly the nest eventually and I didn't take my parents' feelings into account, thought they would be as glad to see the back of me as I was to be rid of them. It was only years++ later that I suddenly thought about how they must have felt as we drove away : when I asked them Dad couldn't remember and Mum said she was pleased we were going onto our new life 'as it should be'.
"I cried most of xmas day ......... " why? Disappointment. Sadness. Lack of opportunity ........ I used to shed a few tears when we drove away from them at Easter or a long weekend but the tears didn't last long ..... too busy getting on with life ;)
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Hi Gina, it's awful isn't! My daughter is in her first year at Uni and rings numerous times during the day but I miss her so much. She came home for a visit this weekend, arrived on Friday evening after missing her train, spent Saturday with her then she went to a party on Saturday evening and couldn't get a lift home until Monday morning! I took her back to the train on Monday afternoon and spent all evening crying! I am counting the days for the summer holidays, although I know she won't be around much then. I still have a son at home so that makes it a bit easier but doesn't stop me missing my daughter.
Dreamer
xxx
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Oh dear,I'm so besotted with my daughter,that even seeing the title of this thread gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I read it :(
Shes's 14 now,and already it's something I spend time fretting over,yet I know the day will have to come just as it must for all of us.I've made her my life,which I know is a mistake,but in a perverse way I've sort of enjoyed it!
I think working at her Primary school for most of the time she was there was not a good idea either,as I was with her so to speak,during school time.
I know I've set myself up for tremendous heartbreak when the apron strings finally have to be wrenched from me,but at the moment I just keep putting it to the back of my mind as much as poss.(Apart from today of course LOL)
Hugs to all you mums who are feeling 'empty' :'(
xx
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Empty nest syndrome does exist - after all its similar to retirement if you have spent, say, over 20 years doing the job of parenting. I still have one at home, unfortunately, so I can't comment. I know when the first one left I was like a spare part - wandering into his room, gazing at his posters, sitting on his bed etc. The second one went and I felt none of these things - taking the opportunity to move into his room myself! ;D
However, both of my sons who have left home have moaned at me over the last few weeks saying that I never visit them. It has not entered my head that they would want me to :o I wonder what sort of mum that makes me? They both flat share so I just think that there will always be someone else there and I would be in the way. Plus, with work and a slightly alternative way of life it is difficult for me to fit it all in.
My eldest son left home 9 years ago and the middle one left in September. I realise that the reason I hoped for boys and not girls is because I thought that once they left I would then be free to do what I wanted. Not that I didn't love bringing them up but I really felt I put my life on hold. Girls seem to need to be part of your life more somehow. The girls I used to pick up from school until their mums finished work never stopped talking and wanted to know all about my day etc. Whereas the boys used to head straight for the toaster or biscuit tin and I wouldn't see them again until it was time for them to go home!
I have promised them that I will visit - they only live 20 miles away - and tried this week but middle son was still in bed when I had my couple of hours to spare as he had been out the night before!! At least I made the effort!!
I would advise all of you with children who are still at home but getting to the "going to Uni/around the world/sharing a flat stage to start making a life for yourself outside the home and to encourage them to be independent of you so that they are not worried as to how you will cope without them.
Taz x :hug:
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Gina, I completely understand. I used to laugh at women who couldn't cope when their kids left home - after all, it's the one thing you absolutely know is going to happen when you have them, isn't it? ::) Now I'm embarrassed in case I was ever impatient with anyone suffering from empty nest syndrome.
My son (only child) left home to go to Uni the same month that my husband died from cancer. It took me so long to get to grips with the grief of losing my husband that I didn't even think about the empty nest until about eighteen months later. Then it hit me :-\
It is really hard. Like you, I miss the busy house - the friends popping in; I even miss ferrying him about in the car! I think it's like being made redundant; that's how being widowed felt as well. All of a sudden, no one needed me, no one else was justifying my existence. It is traumatic.
I wish sometimes that I could live round the corner from my son, just close enough to be able to pop round to each other's for a coffee and a gossip. But that ain't going to happen. I can't follow him around the country and he certainly isn't going to follow me. Thank goodness for Facebook and texting - that keeps us going.
There is life after children and marriage though - honest. Three years on, I am doing loads of new things, I have new friends and I am building a new life. :ola: ANd sometimes, on a good day, the bit of elastic joining us feels good and bouncy and it is nice to know that the family stretches all over the country, instead of just being concentrated in one little house. Does that make sense?
:foryou: Take care - be good to yourself. It will get easier.
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My last child 22 moved out the end of june last year and it was dreadful. I have 3 children so as each one moved out it was not so bad as i always had one left, but when he said he was moving out and i know that was that and i would be totally on my own it really was heartbreaking. I cried alot but not infront of him. On the day he moved out i could not speak or i would of just of broken down and i did not want him to see me like that. For the first few weeks i could not go into the empty bedrooms with out crying and though it has got better i still do not like it. I have got myself a dog now which is great but i still get very lonely and hate this living on my own. I'm lucky i know that i see them most weeks and now my daughter has had a baby i see them so much more. I still feel sad when they have gone and i close the door. The only good thing is that i have not let them know just how heartbroken i am at them going as of course they are doing what they should and getting on with there lives.
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pj44 :hug:
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Fi that's so sad. It must have been such a difficult time for you, sending you lots of :bighug:
I started Uni at the same time as my daughter!! (not the same Uni), and I thought it would help keep me busy and less mopey when she left. Even though I'm so busy with assignments, lectures, keeping house etc. it hasn't made me feel any better about her moving out. But you just have to get on with it I suppose. It'll get better.....I keep telling myself.
Thank goodness for Facebook to keep an eye on them!
Dreamer
xxx
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I agree its hard when they leave the nest, but its a huge compliment to any parents that you have reared a child/children that want to leave the nest and find their own way in life. This shows that we have raised strong, intelligent children who now enter an adult world and learn to fend for them selves, but knowing Mum and Dad are there if they hit a tough spot. I missed all of mine terribly but now I love it being just the 2 of us. And lets face it you never stop being a parent just in a different way and as the years roll on then like me you become a Grandparent and that returns the joy threefold.
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i know petal i am looking forward to the time i become a grandparent....not for a few years yet though...future daughter in la is at uni at the moment...my son just finished in uni...i guess you are right about raising independant,confident kids..but doesn't stop you missing them
and yes its nice to get more tie with hubby
gina
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But that does ease with time, when oyu go in the room and realise there are no mugs or dishes with cultures growing in/on them and the room smells fresh and clean instead of looking like world war 3 has broken out. When my youngest Daughter went to Teacher Training College I kept going in her room and was shocked how tidy it looked, she was a messy madam.
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i miss my kids sooooooooooooo much, it breaks my heart to think of them not living at home :'(
but i do no they are making there own way in the world which makes me happy for them. son rings daily!!!
DD well she hasnt visited in months but i know shes happy, that has to be enough doesnt it?
im crying as i type, for those of you with children at home cherish every dammed awful moment, its all too soon gone.
poppinsxx
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Popins - sorry you still feel so tearful. Am sending you a hug :hug:
It looks like I am in the minority here ::)
Taz x
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thanks taz, ill be ok tomorrow, it just hits me at times real; hard, then im ok, today not such a good day when i realised DD hasnt been round since before xmas.
xx
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When my daughter went to Uni (only 25 miles away!) I felt as though I'd lost part of myself.... I missed the shopping, drinks down on the patio with her friends, and stupid things like shaving the bobbles off her trousers when she went out! We used to have such a laugh. The relationship changed as she grew older, came back from Uni a different person.... But over the years we have forged that same strong sense of friendship and that has grown over the past 8 years or so.
She's now living just over a mile away (with her partner) from me and we still go shopping etc - but now our relationship is based on different things. She's grown up and I've accepted this but yes, it did take time.... I must admit to still trying to hold her hand when we cross the road though ;D
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Val - thanks for giving us hope that things can still be good. I still try to take my son's hand when we cross the road too! Only thing is, he's started doing it to me too cos he think I'm getting old and doddery ::)
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That's a lovely post Val and I'm sure that it will cheer up anyone who is dreading the day their children become "proper" adults.
Fi - I know what you mean. My sons are dreadful at making me text them when I am leaving somewhere and letting them know when I get back. Makes me realise how much they see me as "old"! This got me thinking though - when I married and moved away I worried about my mum and dad as they were "getting on a bit" - they were 56 which nowadays still seems really young to me!!
Taz x
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i know what you mean taz...how the years have flown...my eldest is 32 on monday..seems just like yesterday
gina
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My nest has been empty for nearly two years and I was just starting to get used to it and enjoy it after living in a 'house of trouser' for 27 years when guess what - my eldest son is having to move back home!
He lost his job, then managed to get another but it doesn't pay enough for him to stay in his own place.
Am I looking forward to him coming home? Er, not sure to be completely honest! ;D I hope he's not as stroppy as he was before he left, he ought to have grown up now surely, having fended for himself for 2 years. :-\
I wonder if you miss daughters more when they leave because they can be your friends in a different way than sons can. I mean like if they go shopping with you and do all the girly stuff. I've missed all that, all I ever seem to have done is go to bloomin football matches and training and all that lads stuff. If they ever came shopping with me all we'd do is trail round all the blokey shops - BORING!
Taz it's funny you mention about your lads wanting you to text them to let them know you're ok. I got a pep talk from son no 2 the other day when he found out I'd joined ebay - he was really worried I didn't know what I was doing! Is it just lads that reverse roles like this and start acting like the parent or do daughters do it too?
Catweazle x
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I think daughters do it too but they are probably more subtle about it!!
I can remember my mum, as she was getting frailer, fixing me with that gaze of hers and saying "just remember who's the Mum here please" :) :)
I like the "House of Trouser" - same here - but I never yearned to do all the girlie things. My mum was always moaning that she had a daughter who hated shopping and anything vaguely "girly". I was far happier kicking a football around with my friends' brothers or under the car with my dad trying to fix the latest thing to go wrong on the old bangers we had then.
As for your son coming home - we were almost in that position last month. The eldest son who has been away for 9 years and who lost his job in October and has struggled to find anything - despite a really good degree - told his dad "Oh, yeah, will probably have to come back home to live next month" and that very moment I was taking a phone call from the middle son who has also lost his job saying "mum am coming home to live". Eeeek!! They would have to share a room again - not easy when you are in your twenties. But, thankfully, eldest son got a job a couple of weeks ago and middle son is able to claim for his rent (fingers crossed) from housing benefit.
Taz x
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I have two daughters, eldest is 26 youngest 22. Eldest lives miles away - 2-3 hours by train, longer by car. Youngest still at home. Both went away to uni, but when my eldest came back I knew she would not stay at home for very long. Youngest daughter is different - more of a home bird - at the moment!!
I was never encouraged by my parents to "spread my wings", and I didn`t, so I have consciously encouraged my girls to "fly". How would I feel if my eldest daughter were to return home - on the one hand delighted, but on the other hand - oh, my God, what a mess she makes!! When she comes for a visit, you know she`s here - towels get thrown back over the rail, cups and bottles left on floors - you know the picture ladies!!
Yogini xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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You've described me to a T ;)
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im dreading this happening to me....Adam 17 got the prospectus today for Bristol Uni...we stay in Darlington. OK its another year and a bit away but im dreading it just now im trying to tell myself that i have got plenty of time to get used to it..... :'( :'(
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hi all
i feel like ive posted too much already today...but i have to say i understand this very well...
i hate empty nest syndrome... :'(
my foster daughter moved out first, followed by my son (the youngest) who went to uni, and i thought I still have one left!!
and then she came running in all excited one night to tell me she was leaving home for 9 months to go on tour with a show!!
if i could do a jaw dropping smiliey here i would.....
i was completely shocked!
off she went - leaving me with miserable hubby who i promptly divorced.
three years on and i find that i not only miss my kids, but i miss my family home too ....
on the bright side i have a lovely new man, a lovely new home and rooms for my children to come and stay when they are in town...but i miss them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.....its just well, painful isnt it?
when you see young mums out with their babies you feel a yearning for your children to be that size again.....in reality i wouldnt want the toddler stage again...but im sure the other empty nesters know what i mean?
one of mine is coming home on thursday to stay for a couple of days - im soooooooooo looking forward to seeing her - but already dreading her leaving again.... :'(
i have no idea how long this phase will last for me, little bit by little bit i think im getting used to it - xmas was lovely with all the kids here for two days....
but it was only two days..... :(
*sigh...
xxx
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So ask them 'what do you miss about being at home?' and 'how does your new life compare with when you lived here?' Have you never thought how scarey it can feel to be suddenly thrust into the Big Wide World, trying hard not to show that really you would like Mum to say "I will miss you". If you ask it gives them the chance to say "well actually ......... " ....... Mums will always be needed, always need to be in the background, will always need to be the listening ear and it's OK for you to say 'this is what I miss about you being around' .......... my Mum only needed me immediately after Dad died, until she met another man 13 months later, I now get the feeling that I've lost both parents. So stop keeping quiet and tell them :bang: :bang:
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I didnt say I was keeping my feelings quiet...I do talk to my children about my feelings...we are all very close, I'm glad they are happy with thier lives, and immensely proud of them all - not sure where you got the idea I didnt talk to them?
???
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I wasn't being person specific, some ladies have suggested that they keep their sadness to themselves, I don't see the point even though I see the reasoning ;)
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I didn't really get empty nest syndrome because the time when they were leaving or of an age to leave came at the end of a time of turmoil. My divorce from their father meant i was a single parent to them from the ages of 12 and 16. Money was dire and when he stopped his maintenance I was forced to face the fact that I couldn't keep the house. My daughter had a long term boyfriend, now her husband, my son didn't so it was hard for him living on his own for the first time. Just as I had come to the end of my tether I met the man who is now my 2nd husband so too much going on both good and bad. It was hard for my son but he came through it and doing ok with wife and daughter now.
Sparkly
x
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i am really pleased my son has found his fiancee....she is a lovely girl ..and it is nice to have another woman in the family..i have 2 sons..she is like a daughter to me..just wished that they lived close..by living in an island we are more cut off and can't just jump in the car
gina
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We are facing this in 5 weeks time. Our only son is getting married and that is the day he will also be moving out as he and his wife will be moving into their flat.
I know that we will miss him dreadfully. I have a good relationship with him as does my husband. Considering they are father/son they get on well.
My husband has always joked about putting out the flags when son leaves home but 3 weeks ago he admitted to me that he will miss him so much.
He is with a girl we both like and love. A lovely girl. He is happy with her and we are happy for him. I know that this day was always going to come but I know that it won't be easy. The house will be that much quieter, no more listening to him playing his guitar, which we love doing as he is so good.
However, I think that there are positives too. Hubby and I have been making our own lives in preparation for son leaving. I think you have to.
One blessing is that he isn't going to move too far away so we can go and see him, though having said that I am not going to be forever knocking on their door. :D
I asked him about moving his things out to his flat and he said he will leave his favourite mug here for when he comes back.
I'm really gonna miss him.
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Oh,Wolflady,tears welled up in my eyes when I just read your post :'(
Your son sounds like a lovely young man,and as you say,you're lucky to have such a great relationship with him.My daughter is only 14 yet,but this thread has really struck a chord with me,as I'm already thinking ahead as to when 'the day' comes.(I'm just like my late father for worrying in advance!)
It really touched me when you mentioned not hearing him play his guitar...
Anyhoos,I'm sure you and your hubby will be a great support to each other,and now you will be gaining a lovely daughter-in-law too :)
xx
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Hi Wolflady.
i can really identify with your post, my son left home to move in with his girlfriend 18 months ago. i was bereft, we had little warning of it we thought hed be around for years yet. DD left home the year previous, that was tough but still had DS and his girlfriend which eased it a bit.
We had no time to prepare ourselves. the loss of role was huge for me, i acknowledged it straight away and began what i can only describe as a grieving process DH being as men only can be denied any sense of loss and it was only earlier this year he has begun to recognise his sense of loss especially as DH and DS seem closer than ever (which im sure has come about since living apart).
What i didnt expect was the distence that would develope between me and DS now he has his girlfriend to confide in we have less close chats, tho we do have long converstations on recipes as hes turning into quite a chef!
It does help when you have a good relationship with their partners which we do thankfully.
we have just had him home for the weekend and its been great, the mess the noise, laughter and chats.....but i was really pleased to see him go to his own home, confident, a grown man ::)...........house is quiet but we now like it like that most of the time.
You will miss him but you are helping by preparing yourselves, we didnt and its been a tough year but we are closer than ever and are back to being a couple not 'mum and dad' and the kids now see us that way which is good to.
i wish you all the luck and love with what you will be going through.
At least you have a wedding, there are not many that leave home through getting married these days is there? ::).
lovepoppinsxx
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Its a horrible feeling when they all leave home, I will never get use to it, some of my friends love it no more untidy rooms, dishes everywhere and the washing.....but I loved all that, when my youngest does come home from uni, I flap about making her room all nice ready for her return, my older daughter thinks I am mad she says "she does not live here anymore" but thats mums for you....
I dread this September when she is going abroad to work, I swear I will have to go with her ;) at the moment she is only an hour drive away...but abroad is a different matter.
When she was home at Easter we went shopping and met one of her friends from school and she was asking how she was enjoying uni which she loves, but I heard her say my mum still has not got use to me going, she even bribed me into not going away by saying she would buy me a car!!!!! which I did, luckly she is not easy bought, as she is having a great life and meeting lovely people, we just have to be there as there comfort blacket when they need us, but I think we need them more than they need us once they have grown up ???
You are not on your own Wolflady :)
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I have read all these comments with interest - when my first son left I was devastated and spent so much time in his room "feeling" him all around me. When my second son left it was totally different and, to be honest, I couldn't even remember if it was last August, September or October that he actually moved out. My youngest son is still at home so the house is still full of "him".
Berry - I don't know whether you still had your mum when you were growing up or not but, if you did, just imagine how you would have felt if she had wanted to go everywhere with you!!!! I know what you are saying but I would urge you to try to keep these feelings away from your daughter or you will seriously compromise her ability to make her own decisions and enjoy this life she is making for herself. There is nothing worse than having a great life ahead of you but to feel guilty at enjoying it because you are making someone else unhappy.
I don't mean this to sound harsh but you have to put on the brave front and show her that you will be fine while she is abroad. What a chance for her. Where is she going?
Taz x :hug: :hug:
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Hi Berry,
Taz is right, I had to wave goodbye to my daughter at the airport when she was 17yrs, she went to live with a friend and his family,in Spain with a view to living there.
It was the hardest thing ive ever had to do, but there was no way i could let her see it. it had to be her decision...she dropped school etc!
I can clearly remember her sitting on the end of my bed the night before she left and saying to her 'this is your life now, this is your decision, we will support you however we can ( not financially..wasnt going to make it that easy!!), go for it but we will always be here for you'
cut a long story short she stayed for a year but finally saw for herself that it wasnt what she wanted. hard for her to make that decision. But now 4years on she is back in England with a good job, steady boyfriend and hopes for a job in Dubai in the not to distent future. I dont look at this with the horror i once would, its just somewhere different for me to have a holiday.
Berry it is hard when they leave home, our lives have been devoted to them, but they are only on loan, and we need to let them fly free and be proud we've done a good job.
It maybe when she goes away you can visit, and actually have better quality time together, i know i do, no more rows about dodgy boyfriends or washing up, or mess, just a really good relationship as 2 adults.
:bighug: for berry and wolf lady you will come through it.
love poppinsxx
Hey thats good for me something positive for a change, think i might give myself a pat on the back.
xx
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Hi Everyone
I haven't posted for a while but this topic struck a special chord with me. I thought I had come to understand, master and almost live with the churning, yearning feelings of the so-called empty nest, but now that I face having to move out of the nest myself, all these feelings are coming back to haunt me. I'm having such an internal struggle coming to terms with the inevitability of moving house that I was awake last night for what seemed like hours tossing and turning and debating with myself so loudly at 3 in the morning, that I woke the cat who scratched and yowled at the bedroom door till I had to eventually get up and let him outside. I wasn't happy.
Anyway, in the space of 3 years my children have one by one flown the nest and I must admit that at times the feelings of loss have been excruciating. I'm sure most of you have experienced the yearnings that a fleeting glance at a photo can bring on! After my second son died my elder daughter moved out to go to uni in London, to be followed within a year by my elder son moving to Wales. Considering I live in the north east of Scotland, visits are expensive and few and far between and I don't see them very often. When she was little, in her childish way my youngest always used to say that she would 'never, ever, ever' leave me, that she would 'never, ever, ever' have a boyfriend or get married and would live with me and look after me for ever and ever. (Aw, ...........!)
However, she eventually moved out to go to uni too and that left me really bereft and sore. I'm not a clingy mum and hope I'm good at disguising how much I REALLY miss them as I don't want them to feel bogged down by guilt or obligation, but just to be happy and free to choose their own direction. I do admit though, to having each of their rooms permanently intact and on red alert to accommodate them at the drop of a hat even though I know their beds will probably remain unpopulated for 51 out of 52 weeks of the year! Anyway, financial reality has recently begun to bite me so hard that after a year of indecision I've decided to take the plunge and move out of my home into a smaller house. So you can imagine the huge practical and emotional upheaval looming ahead for me in the next few months as I downsize and sift through all our stuff and begin to work my way through the contents of the loft. My sister has managed to keep her family close by and I must admit to feeling very envious of her.
nightingale xx
feel so much better having shared that, somehow ...................
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hi nightingale
that sounds so tough, ive occasionally thought about what it would be like to have to downsize, but as you say the sorting through and the leaving behind of the memories dont think i colud do. suppose i will have to oneday.
i keep my kids rooms ready for them, they've been redecorated but still have their models pictures and there personality in them, i couldnt bring myself to loose that as well.
im lucky son comes home once a monthish, but daughter i rarely see even if she only lives an hour away.
my sister to has kept all 6 of her 7 children nearby and yes i too feel envious of her at times too, although one of her daughters is moving away shortly and taking the 2 grandaughters with her which will be tough too.
:bighug:
lovepoppinsxx
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You certainly have a lot of upheaval to go through Nightingale but it sounds as if you have spent a year deciding so now is the time to move forward. I would imagine it is especially difficult to leave behind the house where you have memories of your dead son. I am sure it is the right decision for you though and will be the start of a new chapter in your life. Will you move far from where you are now?
Taz
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Hiya Taz
Thanks for pointing me forward with encouraging words. Actually, I'm just moving within the neighbourhood to a smaller house in the same street which is a bonus I suppose because I won't have the extra stress of having to re-orientate in new surroundings and get to know new people. It's actually a houseswap with a young family that really need the extra space and to them I must appear selfish taking so long to decide and hanging on to such a large house when I don't really need it. But no-one seems to understand how gut-churningly difficult it's been and at such a time in my life where decisions are difficult to make anyway. I'm just trying to go with the flow and my fluctuating energy levels and hopefully will be organised by the beginning of July.
nightingale x
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Yes felt the same way
my eldest son left home a while ago but when my youngest son joined the army i was a mess but you do get used to it ,hes out of the army now and lived back at home for a while and as we had got used to being empty nesters it took some getting used to again hes got a house of his own now with his girlfriend so starting another chapter in his life so were starting ours .
although i still take the key out of the lock everynight just in case ;)
your right once a mum allways a mum
Manypaws x
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I think the sadness does go away in time and it does get better as you fall into a different routine. You never stop missing them but they also have a way of coming back, ALOT:) My son left at 19 to join the Air Force it was very painful at first. He asked us to drop him off at the Recruiting Center, on the ride there no one said a word and then finally he turned to his father and said "this sucks". He got out with his school back pack kissed us on the cheek and that was it. Weeks later when we saw him again he had completely changed, polite, responsible, you name it. My oldest daughter is about to go in the Navy as an officer, she has been living on her own for a few years and I still have my other daughter at home. When she goes it will be very difficult I'm sure. I cannot imagine cooking for just two or doing small amounts of laundry. But anyway I guess we all have to go through it eventually. :-\
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When our lad was 6 weeks old the three of us were in a cafe in Leamington Spa and an old lady came to have a look at him in his pram. She said to me "the first step he takes is the first step away from you". I haven't forgotten that over the years and have let him go through each phase of his life if that makes any sense.
Now though he really is going to step away from us in a big way. I shall no doubt shed tears at his wedding and will aftewards when I am standing in his room. But in letting them go they come back. At least though he will come back to visit and as he isn't too far away we will see him. I am grateful for that.
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Hi Everyone
I haven't posted for a while but this topic struck a special chord with me. I thought I had come to understand, master and almost live with the churning, yearning feelings of the so-called empty nest, but now that I face having to move out of the nest myself, all these feelings are coming back to haunt me. I'm having such an internal struggle coming to terms with the inevitability of moving house that I was awake last night for what seemed like hours tossing and turning and debating with myself so loudly at 3 in the morning, that I woke the cat who scratched and yowled at the bedroom door till I had to eventually get up and let him outside. I wasn't happy.
Anyway, in the space of 3 years my children have one by one flown the nest and I must admit that at times the feelings of loss have been excruciating. I'm sure most of you have experienced the yearnings that a fleeting glance at a photo can bring on! After my second son died my elder daughter moved out to go to uni in London, to be followed within a year by my elder son moving to Wales. Considering I live in the north east of Scotland, visits are expensive and few and far between and I don't see them very often. When she was little, in her childish way my youngest always used to say that she would 'never, ever, ever' leave me, that she would 'never, ever, ever' have a boyfriend or get married and would live with me and look after me for ever and ever. (Aw, ...........!)
However, she eventually moved out to go to uni too and that left me really bereft and sore. I'm not a clingy mum and hope I'm good at disguising how much I REALLY miss them as I don't want them to feel bogged down by guilt or obligation, but just to be happy and free to choose their own direction. I do admit though, to having each of their rooms permanently intact and on red alert to accommodate them at the drop of a hat even though I know their beds will probably remain unpopulated for 51 out of 52 weeks of the year! Anyway, financial reality has recently begun to bite me so hard that after a year of indecision I've decided to take the plunge and move out of my home into a smaller house. So you can imagine the huge practical and emotional upheaval looming ahead for me in the next few months as I downsize and sift through all our stuff and begin to work my way through the contents of the loft. My sister has managed to keep her family close by and I must admit to feeling very envious of her.
nightingale xx
feel so much better having shared that, somehow ...................
Hello Nightingale,
I havent posted on here for a while either - but reading your post has made me realise that this board isnt just for taking advice and comfort, its for giving it back too.
one piece of advice i will give is dont throw everything away - take those little knick knacks they made you when they were young - dont fall into this trap of 'clearing the clutter' because i miss some of those things that i threw away - and you cant replace them - i could have found little bits of space for them if id wanted to = its my clutter - i liked it, but i threw loads away.....think twice and thrice before you get rid.....
theres a certain comfort from familiar belongings that you wont get with your new ikea furniture......take them with you - and cherish them
take it easy Nightingale - and keep us updated with your move.....
Jemima x
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Hi, Jemima
I felt a lump in my throat reading about your experience and will take your advice. Although the first week in July has been pencilled in for the move I'm clinging to the fact that the swap's not 100% official because I haven't signed the dotted line yet. How ridiculous is that? I just feel rooted to the spot and overwhelmed by what I've to do and haven't done a thing in preparation - talk about ostrich syndrome. I'm drifting along in a deliberate denial and really I've only got 6 weeks to go. I know it's wrong to compare but how long did it take you to complete the task?
nightingale xx
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just reading all these posts gives me a reality check as thats where im going to be next year when my only son moves out to go to uni.....it makes me so sad just the thought of him in the big wide world....i am not looking forward to it but everyone tells me it will be the making of him (hes very shy and takes a while to make friends)..Hes talking about Bristol uni and in my eyes that is so far away from us as we stay in NE England....
:-\
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Maureenl - I'm sure he will be fine maybe this will give him a chance to come out of his shell a bit.
My daughter is hopefully going to Uni this Sept and my younger daughter next September so the house will be very quiet.
I plan to fill my time as much as I can and keep busy and have some 'me' time. After all I think we deserve it - before you know it he will be home when term breaks telling you all about it.
Rebecca
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I can relate to everyone's feeling here :hug:
DS left home 2 years ago at the age of 19 having planned exactly what he wanted to do from the age of 14 so it was no surprise when he managed to follow his dream. I remember helping him pack and being supportive, making all the right noises to encourage him and had vowed to myself I would NOT break down in front of him.
All was fine until he got into his car when I couldn't hold the tears back any longer :'(
He is still living his dream, has done very well for himself and now lives on a boat down the south coast with his partner, an amazing girl. They are sooo happy.
Many a time they have turned up on the doorstep to see us and we have spent many a weekend with them down there. At some point they may sail off to the caribbean.......... 8)
Aah well I thought, DD is still at home...... then last year she met a lovely fella (so like DH :o ), moved in with him within a fortnight and they are still blissfuly happy. Mind you we still have two rooms full of her stuff :o She lives just 10 minutes away and we still have a very close relationship. He is very supportive to her as she is doing a teaching degree.
So we are rattling here, the house seems far too big, trying to make the decision what to do. Sell and downsize? Sell and live on a boat (that one DOES appeal) Stay a couple of years then decide?
DH, like many others, is under threat of redundancy so the decision may be made for us in some ways.
I often used to say I would like a remote control I could press pause on and keep the kids as they were for longer when they were little.............
Micki x
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We had the wedding on Saturday and it was a lovely lovely day. Everything went well and there weren't any hitches at all. :) It was good seeing old friends again too. Our son looked so handsome and his bride just beautiful. Then just before they left the reception his wife gave me a hug and said she would look after him. They stayed in a hotel overnight before going on to York for a week.
It really was a perfect day.........
So why was it that on Sunday afternoon I just couldn't stop crying at all. I felt as though something had died. It is so silly but that is the only way I can describe how I felt. I really couldn't stop the tears.
I do feel better about it now, well at the moment at least. I do miss him and it will be odd next week when they come home but don't come here.
Oh well. A new phase in our lives, for him and for hubby and me. I'm sure we will get used to it. :)
Hubby and I are planning a big trip next year so son can look after the cat whilst we are away. :D
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Hi Wolflady
im so glad to hear the day went well, you must have felt very proud of him.
Dont worry about the tears they are normal, you will no doubt go through a sort of grieving process now. My son left home last year to live with his girlfriend,
although i was really pleased for him i still felt sad for me. It can be a very quiet house without them around isnt it? I also missed his friends poppping in.
You and hubby will now be finding the people and relationship you /were before your son came on the scene, we found having a big holiday to plan for last year helped us too.
good luck and take care
love poppinsxx
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Thanks Poppins.
It is taking some getting used to I must admit not having him around. And when I got home from work he always had a coffee ready for me. I have missed that too. :)
I am looking forward to seeing them when they get back from York. One good thing is that we get on with his wifes' family. I should say daughter in-law shouldn't I but it sounds strange saying that after they have been going out for over 6 years. :D
We did get a lovely thank you card from them. Son says we have brought him up well and says he hopes he brings his kids up as well as he has been. He added that there won't be so much washing and the biscuits will last longer now that he isn't at home. :D:D
Anyway ladies, thanks for listening. Have a good weekend all of you. :)
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Well done Wolflady :tulips:
It sound like you have done a very good job at bringing up your son. How lovely to have a coffee waiting for you (I knew I should have had boys !!! - only joking ) when you get home and have such a compliment from your son.
Your post was very uplifting and flies a great flag for parenthood. :) :) :)
Rebecca
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Hi Wolflady
I'm glad your Son's wedding day went well and it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your new daughter-in-law as well.
I agree with Poppins about going through a kind of 'grieving process' when they leave home. I think it took me about two weeks to feel on an even keel again after DS left home and I didn't expect to feel this way as he had planned it so long and DD was still at home. Funnily enough when DD left home after I didn't feel this way, but then she is ony ten minutes drive away and we still have a close relationship so I don't know if that made a difference to me.
For me it all heralded the point when years of saying 'when the kids leave home we will....' became a reality and we could do other things. New adventures but at the same time I think I still yearn for the 'security' of those years when they were still at home (hope that makes sense ??? )
Micki x
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Thank you ladies. :)
They came back from York yesterday and called in to see us last night. They look so well and so happy. Makes us happy to see that. And yes, Micki, your comment about security does make sense.
So to all you ladies who are facing this now or in the near future I send you lots of these :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
In fact I send hugs to you all. :)
Take care everyone
-x-
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hi everyone,
sorry for my long absence - I had a very busy summer and its only now that work has slowed down that I have had time to sit back and relax, and what happens? I get ill :( and my periods start playing up again.... :-\
My daughter has decided to go and live abroad in Canada for a year! I find myself just being able to cope with the changes we have already had and then one of them will chuck another spanner in the works!!
why do they do this to us poor mums eh? whats she getting for christmas?
A WEBCAM!!
Jemima xxx
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This is a very thought-provoking thread.
I would say that, hard though it is to let our children go, would you still want them living with you in their forties?
I am an only child and was the centre of my parents' universe. My mother would often say, "You're all we've got in the world," which made me feel responsible for their happiness.
As I've said elsewhere, I'd had no boyfriends until I met my husband when I was 25. I loved my mother dearly but was shocked at how jealous she was. When I finally left home to marry him two years later she took it very hard, saying, "This is your home and there will always be room if you decide to come back to us."
Now my own children are 21 and 17, both still at home. The youngest will be independent soon I think, but the eldest is showing signs of expecting to be with us forever, which worries me greatly. He hasn't had a girlfriend yet, and always seems to be at home, exactly like me at his age. I married because I wanted to break away, as I felt I'd never do it on my own, and I don't want to see history repeating itself. I WISH he would find the gumption to get up and go. He hasn't been to uni, and started full time work at 19. Just like me!
From listening to others' advice about my problems that I've posted here, my eyes have been opened and it has occurred to me that one of the things that has put a gulf between myself and my husband is the kids! In the early years they took all my attention, and we made the huge mistake of putting our lives on hold for them, so that we NEVER and I mean NEVER went anywhere without them. Evenings out were a thing of the past. We never needed babysitters as we were always at home.
Now those days of needing babysitters are long gone, but we've got out of the habit of going out together, and my husband never wants to, not with me anyway. He'd rather go out with our son, and they are more like friends than father and son, which again worries me as my son has only one friend his own age.
It's not his fault, but I've realised that my son gets far more attention from my husband than I do.
So I think it would be good for him to leave, and I need to get my husband back. We recently spent our first holiday together without the kids since they were born, and we almost started to become a couple again. Almost. Now we're back to normal and my son gets all my husband's attention again.
I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm jealous of my own son. I just don't like the way things are heading.
So welcome the empty nest! I can't wait for it to happen.
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I think the main problem nowadays is the sheer cost of moving out. Both my eldest and middle (central) son rent flats. The eldest one pays almost £900 a month for his and the middle one shares with three others - they each pay £400 a month. His rent includes bills but the eldest one has to find all bills as well as his rent. They don't have a hope of getting a mortgage although, to be honest, neither of them want to be tied to one.
The youngest one still lives at home. He is 21 and has never worked - that's another story - but he is more than happy to stay here. It seems as if amongst my sons' friends the average moving out time (sometimes with a three year Uni space) is around 29.
Taz x
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My son went to UNI at 17 OK so I cant spell Dyslexia doesnt mean Im thik hehehe
He lived at home he went to Qld Uni which is 30mins away 3 years
He left Uni couldnt get a job 1994 bad time so he went back did another degree he did it in 2 years an acelerated BB
He then got a job all the time he was at home
He met a girl moved in with her we decided to get rid of the big Qlder house downsize the day we sold it they broke up
He came home moved with us and stayed till he was 27 it was out of utter desperation from Bobbles that he moved out
Over 5 months we bought furniture bedding everythiing you could want Bobbles went out got him a 2 bed flat lovely garden etc
Paid bond paid 4 weeks rent in advance and told him right get in the car we have something to show you
He was Ok about it as long as he came home every Sunday Mum did his shopping (paid for it too) and washing
Ok food maybe Mum shouldnt have but it was Mums money Mum (me) was working full time what I chose to do with it OK!
He didnt earn much enough for rent and basics he couldnt rent out a room Bobbles didnt check no subletting so hed have starved
I missed him dreadfully I still do everyday he rings me every day he texts me and hes married now nearly 3 years ago
He comes over every other Sunday and the 4 of us go out every 4 or 5 weeks we are very close to son and his wifes lovely
But shes her parents child and we have never become any more than best boys Mum our relationship is the same as before they married which is a bit sad I think Im closer to some of her pals but she loves and adores him and in the end thats whats important
Still to me hes always the little boy who said Im going to build you a shed in the garden Mummy you will always live with me
I think the world of her but I dont think we will ever be close when they have kids her Mum will get to see them everyday
Ill be lucky once a month as my son doesnt drive either even when I was ill they never said would you like us to come over
Son said if I needed him hed get the train but no offer from dinlaw to drive himnot that she doesnt care its that Im just sons Mum
Yet he goes to all her familys doos sees her rellies we never get asked but this is Ozz they have a diff culture
So every body has a diff side to kids and leaving home now we have an even smaller home by the sea 30mins from where they live
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Bump
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I think its remarkable what everyone feels about their children or step children leaving home. I have read through every thread on this subject and I could cry for the pain that women feel. Yes ok men can feel it too - but its not the same degree of hurt.
We have 3 of our kids still at home, and we are newly retired so its very tense. I think they would all move out if they had the money to do so but as it is they are all on minimum wage - and the youngest is a student - so no chance. The days are filled with getting them to the train / shopping/ collecting older son from station/ looking after his 3 -year-old son etc etc Its very hard because I dread the day that they will say they are moving out. The older one has a girlfriend and seems settled so when/if it happens I will be pleased. My middle daughter shows NO signs of moving on whatsoever! The youngest is 19 and plans to be a rock star....................
When my older daughter went to uni 10 years ago (100 miles away) my heart was broken because I knew things would never be the same -- but here's the truth: she is back. She has her own flat, is engaged, has a better job than I could ever dream of -and phones every few days. We meet for coffee or chat on th phone for ages - or for a few mins depending on her time. Its great because she is my daughter again.
I think the hardest part of being a mother is the letting go while you're coping with the menopause. I know can cry for Scotland! And I still have 3 kids who will leave home - and I will worry and fret about them until they are 43. Its all part of being a mum.
Weep weep wail wail
PG
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My 18 and 22 year old are both working and still at home. Neither earn enough to move out, and my son (22) appears to have made up his mind that he never will.
I wish they would, as I still feel responsible for them while they're at home, and I want a life with my husband back, who spends far more time with Son than he does with me.
I lived at home until I married at 27 and my mum virtually went into mourning. I'd had no social life until I met my husband, and when I started going out with him when I was 25 she was very jealous, and said I was using their house as a hotel, which I think was most unfair of her, considering that I'd always spent all my spare time with them. I wish now that I'd moved out much earlier. I earned enough to rent a flat, but was too afraid of the big wide world.
So, I'm determined not to be like my mum! I want to push my chicks out of the nest and force them to fly, but no luck so far.
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Well done to your daughter Sweet. Glasgow Uni is a wonderful university who takes only the best of the best.
It must be a worry regarding the fees though. Its just so terribly expensive, especially for a law degree. A friend of mine has a son at Glasgow uni doing medicine and they are having to re-mortgage the house to help him.
The best of these courses cost a fortune, but with medicine at least they don't have to buy themselves an apprenticeship.
I hope you have very deep pockets :o
Honeyb
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Is it free to everyone?
Taz x
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Do you mean it is free to go to Glasgow and get a degree? Three years of residency plus all the tuition fees and everything? I only ask as my son is looking to go to uni even though he is now 22 and has been put off by the costs involved. What degree is your daughter studying? Maybe that's the reason. :-\
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Is there something wrong with me? I can't wait for my children to leave home so myself and hubby can have some privacy and time together, and I like the idea of their coming to visit us!
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I'm tempted to change my name so that I'm officially "Batty"..... ;)
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Sweet, if your daughter is English then why does she qualify for free tuition at Glasgow Uni. Its only free to Scottish kids and everyone else has to pay.
I know you said you are from Glasgow but now resident in England.
Its mighty expensive to do a law course and I dont think you would be able to cover it in loans as they dont pay out a lump sum but a monthly amount.
How does this work for your daughter.
Honeyb
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I just hubby this very same question as he teaches Law at Aberdeen. He says that tuition fees are free to all EU students. Only International students pay £9000 a year.
The Law books are extremely expensive as most are revised every year, due to changes in the law, so can't be bought second hand.
We had to pay fees for our daughter's first degree, before they started the free tuition. It was in Law. Her dad had not long finished his first law degree & we had to buy the books all over again!
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I really thought it was only free for Scottish students. I was sure I had heard/read that they were clamping down on applications from other students as they wanted to make sure there was not an influx of English students taking all the places to save money.
Must have got it wrong (no change there) ;D
Honeyb
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Sweet4, in Wales prescriptions are free and will also be free in Scotland from 1 April. It's the regional governments. Nicola Sturgeon reckons Scotland can be free due to 'savings made in the NHS here'. Who knows? I'm sort of with you, that it should all the the same, but I suppose times have changed.
I don't have kids and so haven't the empty nest thingy; I wonder also if those that do come from multi-child families themselves? I am an 'only' and have always liked my own space and doing stuff alone, in fact I don't even like having visitors much. I would also say 'get a pet' but I guess it's not the same as a child full house, is it? How hard it is to move from one stage of life to the next one. Anyway, why I posted is to say that - despite having no kids of my own - I do worry that the govenment of 'our generation' are not investing the next with any hope. How depressing to face £27k of debt on leaving uni and it's no answer to say that you can pay it back over a lifetime, what, also trying to save for a house deposit, getting married, having a family which are all things our govt also want youngsters to do (oh, and saving for a pension now as well)! ??? I just think that's like trying to climb Everest with a boulder on your back. Whilst accepting our financial black hole, we HAVE to find ways of making it easier for those coming next or what will they have to look forward to? And that's from me, no kids and didn't go to uni myself, never wanted to. :-\
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Read all about the "proposed" changes here http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2010/dec/16/english-students-tuition-fees-scottish-universities
Taz x
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Mind you, I also think that this obsession with encouraging everyone to go to university is wrong. Vocational training would be much better for some youngsters.
Bette x
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I agree that we have become Uni and Degree-mad. If everyone goes to Uni who will serve us in shops etc. Who will drive the lorries to bring the goods to the stores. Who will empty our bins. Who will care for the elderly and infirm?
You are right Bette in that vocational training is very necessary. Also, it now depends on where you get your degree from. Employers are quick to dismiss degrees from the lesser (old polytechnic) uni's. My son recently had his hand shaken by a Job Seeker guy as he was "the first person this week with a proper degree from a proper Uni". He has a maths degree from Reading Uni which is among the top for that subject. Makes you think. Of course we still need doctors and scientists but these should be separate and more funded than the lesser degrees which, to be honest, seem to exist purely for the students to have a good time and will in no way enable them to get a job when they graduate.
Off my soap box now!
Taz x
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I agree that whether Scottish, English, Irish or Welsh the system should be the same for all. As for prescription charges, I can't help but think it's going to came back and bite us. Then it will be a horrendous shock for those of us getting them for free from the end of the week. Don't know how the Scottish government is managing to afford all these freebies. I've now started a debate with hubby again after reading the "proposed" changes which Taz posted. Time will tell I suppose, after the May elections. However, he says English students definitely don't pay at Aberdeen at the moment. :argue: He's now asking what rubbish I'm reading. Rubbish this forum. How dare he! ;D ;D ;D
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My sons university in Glasgow has offered him a computing science degree that is geared to the work place. He did want to go to Glasgow Uni who did the same course but after visiting both, and us attending the parents evenings/days we convinced him that Caledonian Uni was the one to go to because it was where employers came to, to look for graduates. It has been great for him. Glasgow is one of the most prestigious universities in Britain but it does not always prepare or offer courses that lead to employment.
My daughter wants to go to Glasgow School of Art, but I think she has to be realistic as they cherry pick the very best.
I do wish that she could get some kind of apprenticeship and not have to go to uni at all.
Honeyb
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The whole university debate really annoys me. My SIL was harping on the other day that they could not afford to send my nephew to university! However she has never worked, yet she expects it all for free! My parents could not afford to send me to uni but they saved for years and I worked 3 damn jobs when I was there.
The problem is too many kids are taking too many 'soft' degrees. I totally agree we need doctors, engineers, lawyers, scientists etc and people who take these academic degrees should have their tuition fees paid, however the ones who take the soft option such as drama, media studies, women studies etc should not have full funding. When I first qualified having a degree meant you had excelled in your specialised field, and unfortunately allowing ‘anyone' to go to university has ‘dumbed' that down.
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The thing that worries me is that they've messed around with GCSEs and A-levels so much that they don't really prepare kids for or reflect what degree courses in those subjuects are like. It means the staff often have to do "remedial" work in the 1st year to bring them up to where they used to be after A-levels and there are more students dropping out because they no longer like the subject as much as they did at school. That doesn't benefit anyone.
Bette x
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Hubby was clever enough to go to Uni when he left school, but his folks refused to part with any of their cash to let him. So it wasn't until he was in his late 30's that he got a funded place to study his first law degree. After 3 degrees he is now a PHD in law. Our daughter chose Uni and law which she graduated in then went back and did a Nursing degree. She said she just couldn't see herself being able to hold down a job as a lawyer & defending folk, her phrase was "I ain't no Ally McBeal". She could now probably, if she wants, combine the two degrees and do something within the NHS. Our son, struggled at school, although that turned out to because of his health. He went to college instead of uni & now holds down a good job in a marine engineering company. He did mechanics at college, but now is draughtsman.
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For what it's worth, I just think we need to show youngsters that we are intererested in their future. I do agree that degrees are not for everyone, great for those who want 'academic' futures but we need good apprenticeships too. I changed schools as the country went comprehensive and lost my chance of a grammar place as a result .. bring back the old system of grammar education and technical schools, I say. This does not need to be second class education for those not getting the academic places, we need to show that we are committed to eveeryone's future be they doctors, dustmen or whatever. And get rid of the 'rubbish' subjects like studying soap operas. That's me off my soapbox now as well. :)
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Living in Scotland my son has had free tuition for his degree. He is now in his fourth year and his finals for his honours degree is just weeks away. We dont have that much money and I could not afford for him to live away from home and luckily we live an hour away from Glasgow so up until last Nov he has traveled and stayed at home.
He has worked since he was 16 and at some points had three jobs at the one time. He has not expected a free ride or to be totally supported by us. He has worked bl**dy hard. He is on a degree course that is geared to the work place. Its a Computing Science degree and he has also sat all his SISCO exams which we have had to pay for. It makes him more employable.
He is one of the very lucky ones and he has a job when he graduates. He is working (hard) for the company part time at the moment. Its only a small company, but at least he has a web design job.
He is the most hard working young man I know. Please don't tar them all with the same brush. Some go to uni with the end job in mind. My son has always wanted a Ferrari before he is thirty and this has been the way to get it ;D
Although I think its more likely to be a mini ::)
My 16yr old daughter is not really sure what she wants to go, but tells me she knows people who "just want to go to uni". She is not one of those, she wants to do a course that is going to make her employable.
So for every student looking for a free ride there are more who are looking to the future. They are the ones we should support.
Ok I am off my soap box now too ;)
Honeyb
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Well done for your son Honeybun!!! A lot of jobs are very much computer based these days. One of my son's friends did a similar degree up here & now has a good job in England.
Academia is not for everyone. Me included there. I was average at school. At the end of my 5th year my mum thought it would be best if I left school and got myself a job. I went along with it. Got the job and started earning money. It was in insurance. I was fine with it at the time. But occasionally thought that maybe if I had gone & done a 6th year, I might have gone in a different direction. My chosen subjects restricted me somewhat, my mum saying that things like typing & doing accounts was the way to go. So what did careers advice say, the only thing you'll ever be able to do is typing!!! End of careers interview. This is why I eventually got myself a training as a nursery nurse. Somewhat late in life, but I did eventually get a qualification.
Our daughter had three jobs at one time whilst studying too, especially when she moved out & in with her now partner. It was hard, never expected handouts from us. Only occasionally if she needed a book, she got a loan from us but always paid it back.
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I ended up in Catering College. I really dont think that girls were encouraged into an academic life when I was young. Emancipation was there, but not quite there enough ::)
My mother wanted me to do something practical and there was the expectation that you would get married so why bother having a proper career.
Gosh how things have changed...
Oh and I hated catering and ended up selling houses for Wimpey ::)
Honeyb
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You're right there Honeybun. My mum's original choice of job for me was a stenographer! I think it was because she ended up in a sewing factory when she left school, then in the land army down at Croftamie. After the war she married & had my brother. She wanted something better for me. My problem was I really had no real idea of what I wanted to do. Nursing was something I'd fancied, but I was told that my choice of subjects didn't fit the criteria. Someone should have told me when I chose my subjects at the end of 2nd year not at the end of 5th year. Nowadays, you can get into nursing more easily. But it is such a stressful job these days.
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I wanted to be a journalist but the careers advice at our dump of a school was useless. They told one of my male friends that a lighthouse keeper was the right job for him (!) ... recommended I should be a roadie for a band. No, I am not making this up. I didn't know that journalists could work on magazines and do features instead of hard news (which I would have hated) so I chose not to go to the training college and went into the Civil Service instead. 23 years of boredom followed although I made some good friends and have an index linked pension to look forward to. But hey, no point in regrets, I now have a part time job I like and am making things for my small craft business.
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I also did the Civil service thing for a few years at 18, hated it, soul destroying, went back a few years back for a few years and found it much better, obviously older.
Eddie. x
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Hi. I am kind of linking the first post with the more recent posts. My daughter is 24 and about to leave home. We have always been very close, and from age 12 when her Dad left unexpectedly, we have become much closer. She is a very lovely, kind, gentle, sensitive, funny and independent person. She is just as comfortable french polishing nails, having a spa day with me, and having girlie nights as she is rally driving, driving supercars, changing a wheel and taking off a radiator in her car.
She intended to go to University to do primary teaching and then through a series of problems with a teacher at High School she felt she could not cope with University and decided to do an HND in Beauty Therapy (it gave me a whole new view, understanding and respect for Beauty Therapists). Unfortunately, she is sensitive to petroleum (which we did not realise when she was training - it was diagnosed later) and that made a career in that field unsuitable.
She was working part-time in Tesco, so she switched it to full-time on the management training scheme for about one and a half years. The stress they work under is immense and this ultimately led to her weight dropping to 6.5 stones, her beautiful long hair starting to falling out, she had constant infections and illnesses and she was exhausted. I (actually both of us) were extremely worried about her. I insisted she stop working for a few months to try to recover her health and consider her long term future. Through a very gifted vibrational healer (ex rheumatologist consultant actually), her infections all cleared, she was told about the petroleum sensitivity and she improved. After 3 months rest, she took a job as a Nursery Assistant/early education - she absolutely adores her work.
Now - almost 3 years on, she is happy, vibrant, fulfilled, extremely hard working, and about to leave home!
She and her boyfriend are expecting a baby (she is 4 months) and they have bought a house.
When I got over the shock of the news of the baby I was delighted for them.
She works full time, studies for her qualificications at evening class and at home; she undertook a five week course at weekends in order to learn how to set up and operate childminding facility at home; and she has just embarked on a 10 week evening class for first aid. She talked about going back to University longer term to do child psychology or teaching children with special needs.
Lisa has certainly had her education in the University of Life so far and, although difficult, that has suited her. She will be successful at whatever she is focussed on doing.
At Christmas, she gave me a beautiful scrap photobook 'Just the Two of Us' and in one page she has written "I feel I can cope with anything my life throws at me - thank you so much for all you have done for me and all you have shown me".
So, just when I was getting my brain into gear that she was leaving home, moving in with her boyfriend (not such a surprise after 2.5 years) and having a baby ............. she announces that they may be moving to Kuwait for a few years when the baby is one year!
So, my daughter and new grandchild (and son in law) will all move away all in a short space of time.
Despite my great sadness at this, I keep reminding myself that children are only ours for a time - to cherish, nurture and prepare to fly the nest as confident adults, unafraid to venture forth and experience all life has to offer. And, I am both pleased and proud she will do this and always feels I will give unbiased advice and accept her decisions without making her feel she is letting me down or I am upset by it - even though I may be.
Empty nest? The silence from her absence will be deafening:'(.
So, to all the Mum's out there feeling the empty nest syndrome - "I hear you".
X
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Oh, this is too long for ME, I will have to come back and read it in sections :(
Wow, must take you days to read a paper ::)
Firewalker - I thought it was a sweet post.
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Harrys-girl - Larky has got severe M.E. and CFS and finds it difficult to concentrate or read for very long.
Taz x
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Firewalker
What a lovely heartfelt post. You have done a wonderful job with your daughter and I can only hope I will be as close to mine when she grows up.
:medal:
Let us know how the pregnancy goes and remember you can always go for long visits.
Honeyb
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Postitivity!
Taz x :)
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I stand corrected, however it may have been better to say that as it did come across as rude.
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Damn, missed the ME bit, took it as me!
Apologies
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:rofl: all is now clear
Taz x :)
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Larky... I dont have your conditions but it takes me a while to read the long posts. ::)
I really think that you sometimes see and read things in posts that us skimmers miss and therefore that makes your replies more helpful.
Honeyb
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I will go and remove my very large foot...from my very large mouth. :bang:
xxxx :oops:
(you must admit I do it with style though), moving on...
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My central (middle) son has been staying with us for a month as his anxiety grew too great to carry on living in his flat and his mental health advisor thought that a months stay at home being fed and looked after while trying out his anti-d's would do him good.
He went home yesterday and I really miss him. I didn't miss him when he first went almost three years ago as I think aged 22 he was different to now and we werent so close. It seems strange to miss him this time round. It did the trick though - he has put on weight, got used to the anti-d's and reclaimed his sense of humour.
Taz x
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It just took a bit of spoiling from his mum.
::) ;)
Honeyb
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Wow! How nice to be able to help and see such a good result. Kind of what family should be about. Well done. Seems like a wise mental health adviser also.
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:thankyou:
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My mum has been on her own since my dad died 2002, she was good, loved her wee house. In 2004 my brother split from his wife and he was really lost, second failed marriage, no job or money and very depressed. A few months of staying with our mum and he was strong again, funny how even as an adult going home is really going home. Eddie. x
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Hi everyone. thanks for positive response to the post. Larky - I was not offended. I know I can ramble on and it was rather a long post. I suffer from FibroMyalgia Larky, so concentrating can be diffcult for me at times too, especially when I have to read a lot at work. The HRT has helped some of the symptoms though, thank goodness. So, I do understand and it was nice that you went back and read it in bite size pieces :-).
In fact, this was the first time I had been able to actually express it - since it is all so recent and the move to Kuwait is to be kept quiet for now for business reasons (SILs). It was nice to be able to have the forum to say how the last few years has been and how I am feeling right now........ so thank you for the response.
A nice coincidence that your daughter also did Beauty Therapy and is now Primary Teaching. I hope their difficulties are behind them and their future is easier.
How supportive it must have been for your son Taz, to know that he could go home and you would support him and love him during the difficult times.
Nice to know there are so many people here to share our feelings with and who understand them.
Rx
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Eddie - sorry to hear your Dad died and your brother's marriage broke up. How sad and traumatic for them both. I am sure they found support and comfort in each other during those times. Your comment about the real 'going home' is very perceptive. I had a difficult upbringing so I don't quite feel that way, but I do recognise exactly what you mean. Hope your Mum and Brother are much better now.
My sister also had a difficult marriage break up. She and her son went back to live with Mum and Dad and I know how much she valued being able to do that. Here's to 'going home' when you need to - wherever that home may be!
x
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Yes Firewalker, they are both much stronger now, thanks, i don't think we realise where "home" is until we have nothing. I've been there myself before my dad died and really appreciated having a retreat. Sorry you don't feel the same way, my girls have two half sisters and they all have stopped all contact with the father. If it's not to be you have to be brave and let it go. Eddie. x
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Firewalker, you & your daughter sound as though you have an extremely close relationship! Glad she is now happy in her life. It will be wonderful when your grandchild arrives, but sad that you know they will be moving away. Skype is brilliant for keeping up to date with those you love. My daughter moved to Notts last year with her partner & our granddaughter. We keep in touch using Skype a lot it's great to be able to see them and we don't feel so far apart as a result.
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Cubagirl - I think this must just be the reason to get Skype. We have a very low broadband speed because of our location so I have tended to avoid it - however, this may well be the reason to try it again! Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Eddie. I am so pleased you had a retreat at that sad time. I am okay with my situation now thanks and when I reflect, I realise my very close friends are my 'home' when I need them to be. Taz's son went home to his Mum too. Do you think Home is the house you were brought up in, or the safety and comfort of the parent(s) there?
I think it is really sad when families become distant like your situation - although sometimes in some circumstances it can be for the best. I am just so pleased I am close to my daughter and she is also close to her Dad. My partner and his wife divorced many years ago and she moved from Scotland to to Oxford. He had temporary custody and fought to keep them but was not successful. Although they are grown up now and he speaks to them every week or two, he has lost the closeness through time and distance. Quite sad for everyone.
Anyway, it is Wednesday, I now stop for holiday for 2 days and it is my OH's 50th birthday tomorrow, with a house party on Saturday - so I am off to have a lovely few days. Please please let the rain stay away!
Happy weekend everyone!
x
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Thanks Larky. :)
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Hi Firewalker 50, I would have given a million dollars and more to have had a mother like you. I was my mother's 'mother' for years of mental issues and now we do not speak. She's a classic narcissist. So give yourself a well deserved pat on the back and no matter how far apart, love will always bridge the gap for you two.
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Hi Taylor
:ange: :medal: for you. How very sad. I can only begin to imagine what that must be like. My friend's ex-husband is bipolar and narcissist. I know how much it affected her. How hard that must have been for you. My sister's behaviour is slightly similar through illness but is not a classic case and she has a husband to care for her so it only affects me when I am with her.
It must be a dichotomy for you - to be a loving, caring daughter and not to speak with her because of the damage it does to you. Well done for having the strength to recognise the problem and to break away - not easy in a parent/child relationship.
I don't know if you have children of your own. If you do, perhaps you will have an extra special relationship with them from the insights you gained from dealing with your Mum.
I was blessed with a daughter who is easy to love and easy to support so it made my job as her Mum much easier ;)
Rx
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Hi Firewalker and thanks. Re: my kids, one would think one would learn and have a better situation, but what really happened was that I had a very difficult time parenting, partly because I had no natural model. I tried too hard and was controlling out of a sort of fear. One son very close; one not. I'm grateful for having at least one good relationship. Our 'empty nest' got less empty when his wife flew in, so this saying is not always true: "A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life?"?
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My son has announced he is moving back home......not to live with me, but back to our home town,so rather than having him 40 miles away he will be very very near. I am delighted. I worried about him driving country roads in the winter and now he will be five minutes from his work place and me :)
Him and his girlfriend are about to start looking for a new flat to rent. He asked me to have a look to see if there is anything nice in his price range and there are quite a few lovely places for him to view.
One happy mummy. ;)
Honeyb
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That's great news Honeybun :hapij: Best of both worlds - your own space and close enough to see each other easily! Happy families.
Hi Taylor. We are trained to do the smallest detail at work, yet we are not trained for the biggest job we can ever undertake, so we feel our way along, dealing with situations as they arise. I am glad you have a good relationship with one of your children at least and happy for you to know they are comfortable enough to live with you. I hope you will build a bridge with your other son one day. Sometimes they need to know that we understand how it was for them. "Just remember - it is never too late to be the person you might have been". Have you considered any form of counselling - to support you after all the support you gave your Mum. We would be quick enough to put a broken leg in plaster to support it ;)
Enjoy the time with your family at home.
Rx
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Whoops, gave wrong impression. Nest is figuratively not empty, but is literally 2600 miles away. Son lives on west coast of US. What I meant was: dil is welcome addition to the nest, but the nest is far from our home. Muddled mind, here.
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Hi Taylor. Muddled mind here too :-\. Hope you get to visit them as often as possible, and chat to them on Skype or similar as others have suggested I do when/if my daughter moves to Kuwait.
Rx
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Bump
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:bounce: for Horsylass and other new Members ;)
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Heck this is an old thread. Spotted one post about my son and so much has changed since then. Girlfriend gone and a new job and a flat.....back in Glasgow ::)
Daughter who moved out for her second year of uni moved back home for her third, now moving out again in Sept to either flat share with a pal or share with her brother.
So it's all change yet again.....more expense too ::)
I will really miss my girl but she will be 21 at the end of the year so it's inevitable really.
Honeybun
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Mum keeps telling me that she gave her children wings to fly ;D
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Friends with older children have warned me about Empty Nest Syndrome. Forwarned is forearmed as they say.
So much as I adore our children I have always taken care to keep up with my own friends and activities. My children are the most important part of my life, but they certainly aren't the only part. Also my husband and I were together for a long time before we had children, so we had built up a whole life together, routines and rituals, which weren't child-centric. We still really enjoy each other's company and have always still gone away for weekends alone etc.
As our children have got older and into their early teens they are naturally spending less time with us. They go to sleepovers a lot, and spend whole days with friends rather than just a couple of hours. They are building their own lives, creating their own niche in life and that's exactly how it should be.
I certainly don't wait around, all forlorn, watching the clock until they get home again. That would be rather silly and also rather unfair. Children will pick up on that sort of behaviour and it will put an unfair burden on them. No child wants to feel that their parent relies on them TOO much for emotional/social support (I know, because I was that child) and I bitterly resented my Mum for it.
When the times comes for our children to go to university I certainly won't be hanging out the bunting and popping champagne corks. Inside I will sad, and that a part of my life has come to an end. But I wouldn't dream of letting my children see my sadness, and will be all smiles and full of good wishes for their new adventure.
But I have always understood that my children aren't mine to KEEP. They have only been gifted to me for roughly 18 years and they have been the very best gift ever. But I have lots of other gifts too (my husband is one of them, and friends are another) and I fully intend to appreciate them too.
Good parents give their children roots, but they also should give them wings.
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I remember when DH went to Uni that first morning; after 18 months of us being together I felt dreadful. His Mum drove us to the station and on the way home she told me that she felt like she had the day he went to School aged 5. I hadn't even considered that she might be worried and sad too :-\ …………
It's very brave of parents to allow their kids out of their sight ………. and probably typical that kids don't consider how their parents are feeling ::)
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Just come across this thread. Some really interesting and differing thoughts on the matter.
My nest became empty at the start of lockdown... they moved out temporarily and they never came home.
It broke my heart.
I know it's my job to bring them up and let them go but it was and still is so very hard.
They are living their best lives and I try to take some comfort from that.
I don't get to see or speak with them anywhere near as often as I would like ... but I'm trying not to be overpowering...
I fully appreciate that they have their own lives and my happiness is not their responsibility.
I'm taking up hobbies etc.
Just feel so hollow and empty.
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Yes, empty nest syndrome is absolutely a real thing.
Myself and OH, dropped our daughter at university yesterday. She’s over 100 miles away, I was sooooo sad yesterday. Today I’m a little better.
Being busy is the way forward!
It’s a tough time of life 💪
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Mum told everyone that she 'gave them wings and let the fly'. I fled there on marrying my husband ........
It has been suggested that a 'goody box' occasionally through the post keeps a connection. Mum told me many times how my Gran baked a cake to send to College, 15 miles away ::) which during the War was shared by the 7 girls in the College where Mum was educated. After we were married we did return to visit because both families lived in the same village! Mum always had a box of goodies for us to take, we didn't actually need them but they did come in handy.
I am quite sure that they will return home: with their washing, their friends' washing, mending ........... also, I wrote weekly to both Mums and his replied every week.
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And mine won't go...
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Is that children or those 🐑 🐏 🐏 sheila ???
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Grown up offspring. When 🐑🐑🐏 make a break for freedom I have to go and get them back. And I can always sell them at auction, not sure how much I'd get for DD ;D
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:rofl: