Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: jessieblue on January 18, 2018, 04:35:00 PM
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Hi lovely ladies. This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely. I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned. However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now. I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now. However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia. Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause. I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option. My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists. I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie. I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment. Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them. Maybe a vicar or priest? I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them. To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep. The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now. Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here. Feeling very alone right now. xx
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Yep.
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Like you, I have a deep fear of vomiting. I was anorexic from the age of 5 :'(.
IBS made me suicidal. The constant bloating, my digestive system had slowed down completely ..........
I have been treated with appropriate medication since 1988. Do you have a local MIND Charity walk-in Centre, I found one close to where I live by doing a google. I sent an e-mail about opening hours and I had great support for several weeks.
You are un-likely to be 'sectioned' 4 discussing your feelings and fears with a GP. Regardless of whether depression and anxiety are caused by feelings or are hormonally generated, if you are feeling as ill as this, you need to have appropriate treatment. You may find that your NHS area has a dedicated Psychiatric Nurse who can visit you at home.
Yes. Your local Priest, Vicar etc. should provide Pastoral Care. He/she will be used to people talking about all kinds of issues.
I never wanted to die, but to sleep until the pain went away. For me, depression is mental and physical.
Let us know what you decide and how you get on! Also, with the weekend approaching, do speak to someone either this evening or tomorrow. Your GP should be your first port of call, "Please can you talk to me about options to help me feel less suicidal" might be your opener - a GP should make time to either talk over the 'phone or call you to the Surgery. A&E is an option but sitting for ages might make you feel worse. If you have a local Mental Health Private Hospital, it may be worthwhile speaking with someone there.
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Hi Jessieblue i'm on mobile so can't really go into detail at the moment ,my mum tried to commit suicide and it has seriosly affected our relationship ,i have probably inherited the tendancy to suicidal thoughts but i think of my kids and manage to get through it ,you're not alone if you want you can send me a pm,i have memories of an ambulance, visiting mum in hospital and my neighbours young daughter persisently asking if my mum was coming home with a baby and asking over and over again why she was is hospital.
Hang in there i'm sure you'll get lots of support on here
Xx
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Jessie Blue it will pass I know that is easy to say but I can say it as I have been there many times and with all the same thoughts. I used to wish for a button by the bed that I could just press to take me out of life but thank God it was never made that easy as when you are well you realise "It is a wonderful life" it just isnt when you are struggling. You must speak to the GP and if your own one is not helpful find another that is sympathetic to mental health. A good book that is easy and not self help but is a picture book and humourous is Matthew Johnstones, "I had a black Dog". I have no idea if you are on any anti depressants or hrt or anything but generally if you are that low you need medication and they can be life savers. Talking to someone professional or just talking to someone who understands is so important too. When I was so ill I would ring any number I could get my hands any helpline, the people there are trained to listen and say the right things and it does help to knpow that you are not alone and want you are feeling is because you are unwell. Getting outside even if you dont feel like it is so important even for 10 minutes.
I would walk in the woods looking at the trees and imagine tying a noose but then i would laugh a bit and think I wouldnt get it right or I would need help. Awful thoughts especially with lovely children and a good husband (finally) you feel dreadful for even letting thoughts like that come into your head and you dont really want to go just want to stop the pain you are in. Its normal to feel that way if you are so low and the fact that you have voiced it is brilliant and the first step to getting help. Well Done!
CLKD gives great advice above and you must keep talking and keep in touch but you do need to go and get the appropriate treatment/medication. Without that I would not be here today writing to you.
You will get better with the right help I cant tell you when whether it will be weeks or months but you will and be back in this roller coaster life once again. You will find your zest again its still there just a bit lost.
Take good care of yourself and take the next step to get help. A Big Hug sent your way xx
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Thank you so much for replying. Im so sorry about your mums attempt at suicide am# I cant imagine how scary that must have been for you. It would be nice to chat with you via pm. Maybe I can send one later?
CLKD thank you for those suggestions. I did email MIND.....never got a reply. I dont have the strength to telephone and this is whats stopping me from calling the gp surgery again. So many times I have called, they give me an appt in 2 or 3 weeks then nearer the time I cancel because I just feel so rediculous going and saying these things to them. They are so detached it seems somehow wrong discussing it with them. I have walked in in tears a couple of times and seen a nurse who just tells me its all my anxiety and to take a higher dose of my amitriptyline. It never gets any further. Currently with the norovirus tearing through the country and aussie flu, I am terrified of stepping outside the house. My son had noro 2 weeks ago, he was so terribly terribly sick, it terrified me. I spent the last 2 weeks bleaching EVERYTHING including my hands! This is no life is it? I have trouble with most medications I take.....they make me nauseous or give me worse acid reflux, so medication terrifies me. There is a private priory clinic I could try to speeak to. I know its pretty expensive though but i will look into how much. I have never been offered a psychiatric nurse or anything other than CBT. I went to private couselling and cbt and hypno but to no avail. Im just tired. I wrack my brains for who to go to for help....have been to private gps and consultants but have sort of run out of money. I will see if I can find any walk in centres, that would be good if I can. Thanks again xx
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Bring me sunshine, thank you for your lovely comments. So glad you found a way to heal. xx
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jessieblue, I've been in exactly the same place as you, in fact am still going in and out of it. I think a lot about how I could do it - overdose, drowning etc. but I also have kids, and I lost my dad as a child, so I know the awful effects of losing a parent and I just can't do that to my kids. You need to go to your GP (don't make an appointment, just turn up and tell them you're feeling suicidal). Then tell the GP about the thoughts you've been having and if necessary really lay it on thick, you won't get the help you need unless they really think you're in immediate danger. You need to be seen by the Crisis Team - they'll come round and see you at home the same day and assess you. I'm currently having daily visits from them, had an emergency psychiatric appointment to try and find an antidepressant I could tolerate, now struggling with that as they make me worse to start with. But at least I now feel someone is there looking out for me. Huge hugs to you, it's horrible and I'm right in there with you xxx
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Dear Jessieblue I feel so sorry that you're enduring such pain right now. I haven't felt like this myself I feel very fortunate to say, but have friends who have suffered/are suffering so see what a huge effect this illness has on your ability to function. Do you feel able to read? I would massively recommend a book by Matt Haigh called Reasons To Stay Alive. It's a sensitive story of his own journey from literally standing on a cliff ready to throw himself off, to a place where he has learned how to live his life around his illness and even find happiness. From what I understand GPs often misdiagnose depression when the symptoms are actually menopause related. Have you got an understanding GP who could help you understand the root of your condition and what's behind it? I know that finding a sympathetic GP with time and ability to help you is easier said than done (and that's not to blame GPs who overwhelmingly are doing the best they can in challenging times). I don't have anything useful to advise but I just send you my sincere hope that you manage to get help to see yourself out of this blackness xxx
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I'm sorry Jessieblue I missed your comments about trying to get GP help in your second post - so clearly that's not an option right now and you must think I'm silly to suggest it xxx
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Hello jessieblue.
I think anyone experiencing a situation they find intolerable would consider suicide as a way of ending their suffering, it makes perfect sense and is not a sign of weakness at all. I have certainly had similar thoughts during this turbulent time.
You've had some great advice already and I'm sure there's more to come, you are not alone in your struggle and the ladies of the forum are here for you.
Sending huge hugs and keep posting, help is at hand.
K.
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Bettythecat, no i dont think you are silly.....thank you so much for sharing those dark feelings with me. This is so kind of you all because I feel so very alone but now have the comfort of others who know how it feels. I am so grateful. You are right I should speak to my gp....I want to....I mean to...but I just cannot do it. I need my husband to get a little proactive really and help me to get there. I will speak to him. Its so hard with depression because there is zero motivation....right now everything seems so overwhelming, my problems are so deep seated, years of phobia anxiety and depression, violence in childhood.....and now mwnopause....Im not sure what the root is, there are so many facets. It seems much easier to go to sleep....forever. I dont want to die alone in some sad squalid place....for my family to be devasted by finding me. As you say I want a button I can push when it all becomes too much and someone to hold my hand and comfort me through it. This is such a testing time in my life. I have battled mental illness my whole life but this.....well this is the mother of all mental illness. I am so grateful for all your responses and support. I feel comfort right now. xxx
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This has really touched me. Big hugs to you all
In the darkest moments of this menopause I've too felt it'd be kinder for me (and my family) if I didn't wake up. I didn't have thoughts to do anything just that not being here seemed a nicer option
I hope you find a solutionxxxx
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jessieblue, I feel exactly the same - I don't want to die (I've just been thru cancer treatment for god's sake) but yes, if someone gave me an easy and foolproof way out I would be tempted to take it. I think you need someone to go with you to your GP and be your advocate - if not your husband then a friend or other family member? For me it took going into work just to drop off my sick note and my boss seeing the state I was in - she took me straight to my GP and insisted on getting the Crisis team involved. Sometimes it just all gets too much and you need someone else with a bit of detachment to step in and speak for you. Do you have anyone who could do that for you?
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Im so touched and moved by all your comments, im a bit overwhelmed and emotional right now so please forgive me not replying further tonight. I will reply tomorrow to your comments. I am so very lucky to have such a special place to come and share my feelings. Thank you all. xx
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Hi lovely ladies. This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely. I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned. However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now. I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now. However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia. Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause. I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option. My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists. I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie. I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment. Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them. Maybe a vicar or priest? I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them. To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep. The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now. Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here. Feeling very alone right now. xx
Hi Jessieblue! I feel sometimes suicidal. I was a very energetic, optimistic, creative person, good looking and healthy until my early menopause, 6 months ago. I feel sometimes like a shadow, I only want to sleep and when I ll wake up, I hope to find out that was just a nightmare. Sometimes I wish never wake up. What is really helps me is my training and my work. I try not to think too much. I think that I will get over it someday. I see older people, happy and energetic and it gives me courage to go on. I smile and just try to feel the life, not to think about life. Sorry for my English! 🌹
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Big hugs to you. The thing to remember and try and get some comfort from is that when you .are a member of this site, you are not alone and a great many people here understand what you are going through. .i am not suicidal but do go to bed at night dreading waking up in the morning as I know the anxiety and stress of my life will begin again. I'm currently on 40 mg Citalopram and HRT and seeing a councillor to help with my troubles which IS beginning to help. I now only cry once a day instead of all day! What I have learnt is that although I have wonderful friends there are certain things I would only speak to a councillor about. They are totally non judgemental and because they come in cold to the situation can give you a quite different and unbiased perspective. More than anything you need to talk through your feelings. You are not alone petal and you are in our thoughts. Hope you have a better night. 😊
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Jessieblue if you want to pm me tomorrow you are more than welcome we can support you to call the doctor for an urgent appt if you dont feel you can just turn up(it can be hard sometimes getting past the dr receptionists!) but go you must as this is your first step on the way to recovery and telling them exactly what you have told us, even if you have to write it down and hand it over to the doctor.
racjen you will find an anti depressant that works and i have never been on one yet that doesnt make you feel so much worse at first. Sadly they have not made a fast acting one, i wish. The taking them at the start is horrible dry mouth,tiredness etc...but persevere you must because they can work absolute wonders and can change and save your life. Sertraline worked wonders for me and got me well within 3 months when I had a traumatic bereavement to get through, it only stopped working when the menopause started and I lost all my oestrogen. Venlaflaxine/efexor is the one I take now and can also work on hot flushes. The oestrogen level has to be up a t a decent level for all these chemicals to work though. Dont give up on finding the right one for you, you will get better xx
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I so want to reply to you, to give you my support. I just can't right this moment but I will soon x
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Bring me Sunshine, how long would you say it took for Sertraline to stop making you feel worse? I'm not talking so much physical symptoms (all i'm getting is tiredness and constipation) but it is making me really really depressed, much worse than I was before. they want me to put the dose up to 100mg now and I'm really scared cos if i get anymore depressed than this I may end up taking an overdose.
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I took escitalopram (an SSRI) and it worked within 2 weeks with zero side effects so there is hope. You are certainly not alone in feeling like this, hugs .
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Yep aspie65 - 4 me any of the ADs have either given me nausea which meant I stopped them (emitophobic) or they worked with 4-10 days. PHEW!
Maybe some of the problem is that the husband here isn't offering up support? They aren't mind readers though so you need to ask - Please ring the GP to see what support I can have today, Please come with me to the appt., mine used to sit in the waiting room as I was too ill to go into the place until the GP was ready to see me. Also, having him along reiterated that I was really unable to function.
How have you been over-night and 2-day? For me it was like wading through treacle :'(
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Hi racjen When I think back to the sertraline I started at 50mg and it was awful dry mouth, constapation as you describe and even more suicidal thoughts, unbelievable when it is supposed to be to help you. Non of them work fast. I used to increase in 2 week intervals if nothing was changing, 75 mg, 100mg, this was about the 6 week stage when the descructions say they should start working but again we are all different.
I started having the odd good day which I wrote down so I could remember because depression would like you to think you have NEVER been happy oh yes you have. Still wasnt good enough so 2 weeks later 150mg, having more "good days" but bad days would follow which can be even harder as you almost think you are back its like it teases you.
At around 10 weeks in and im now on 200mg it all started to come together.
I was running each day and each day when I was ill I would look at the canal and think I could just jump in and it would all be over. I would come home shower and then cry for most of the day.
Once I was on 200mg, it took about a week and it was like a light had gone on. I went for my run and I looked at the canal and I thought never would I jump in there in looks cold and dirty. I since found out it would have only come up to my knees anyway. That's when I knew I was well as my self preservation had kicked in.
I came home for my shower and for the first time in almost 12 weeks I put the radio on and enjoyed listening to the music again. That's when I knew the levels were in the right place. It is so easy to give up on anti depressants and I know why because they can make you feel even worse at the beginning than you were feeling, there arent many medications that are so cruel. Trouble is they have to get into the brain and thats all complex stuff and it takes time and also depends on how low your serotonin has gotten.
Basically they saved my life and nothing was getting me better, all the st johns wort, acupuncture, loads of exercise, all the alternative stuff, nothing I needed proper meds to get the balance right. I would still be on it if it hadnt stopped working due to me having no oestrogen. i asked about long term side effects and my dr said only brittle bones but if you do exercise then you will be fine.
Hope that helps a little, keep going it will all be alright in the end. xx
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I have clinical and organic depression :-\ :'( ......... once I accepted that I need to take ADs for Life, I began to have a routine again and didn't spent time in bed or dozing on the settee, day after day after ...........
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I hate to say this Bring me sunshine, but if you could go out for a run during this time we're not talking about the same level of depression. I can barely step outside the front door at the moment, all i want to do is lie on the sofa and cry, and that's after just one week on 50mg sertraline. Before that I wasn't even depressed, I was suffering from acute anxiety and had got to the end of my tether. I was very distressed but i wasn't depressed. There's no way I can tolerate 6 weeks of this, especially when I wasn't even depressed to start with. There's got to be some better way of treating acute anxiety.
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Hi racjen ( i wrote a really long reply and went to post it and it disappeared!) i tried to look back at some of your posts and now I dont even think you should be on sertraline at all.
Now I am no doctor and shouldnt be advising you but is clear from reading back that you dont suffer from depression in the normal sense. i f this is what it sounds like all hormonal then I think anti depressants may not be the answer but getting that oestrogen to the correct level and it sounds like you need it higher than it is. Yes in some cases a combination of hrt and anti depressants can work well together. I did not have anxiety when I was prescribed sertraline all those years ago it was purely for melancholia depression. I have only suffered anxiety this last year when in the menopause.
A friend of mine has always been anxious and she stays relatively well on citalapram (this no doubt has been mentioned to you before).
When i was running it was only because my husband wouldnt let me stay in bed, oh how i longed for that duvet. He wouldnt go off to work till I was up and doing something so off i went running,often in tears but in a masochistic way it was better than staying in bed.
Now I was not anxious at all so I can understand leaving the house for you is a totally different ball game.
I dont know if you are under an NHS Menopause clinic? They tell me that most hospitals have them but are not widely advertised and may be are only on once a week. Mine is in Oxford and they will see ladies from anywhere in the country as long as the gp will refer them.
I have also emailed a long email to Dr Currie a day or so ago and await a reply. I like to have lots of answers/ideas. I cant afford to go to prof studd but I love the information that is shared i almost feel like I have been there.
I read about Carol Vorderman and she didnt go on anti depressants but on prof studd regime and Denise Welch has suffered for years with depression but it is only since going through menopause that she found hers was hormonal and she too is on the right hrt combination.
You have a hormonal imbalance which is causing your anxiety. Anxiety is the biggest sympton of this.
Are you under a specialist? Or are you being prescribed just by your gp(if its the gp then it needs to be a menopause specialist) and i dont mean one that charges £300.
If you wanted to private message me I could always ask my menopause expert jan Brockie if there is somewhere that she knows of near to where you live?
You dont deserve to be struggling like this its not fair after what you have been through. There is a solution for you but it just hasnt been found yet.
Please seek more specialist help with this its not good enough for you .
Take good care you will get better!! xxxxx
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This is just so awful for ladies struggling like this. My heart goes out to you. You've had some really good advice on here.
Just a thought re husband- maybe he's angry as he just doesn't understand what's going on.
How about you print off your post and the replies and ask him to read all. Then ask him if he will ring a Gp and go with you to an emergency appointment.
Not sure if that would help but maybe it could bring you the much needed support at home you should have.
Would definitely consider HRT for your anxiety if not already on it and see if this improves things steadily.
Please know that you will not always feel like this. Although you can't see it right now you will get better with the right help xx
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Thanks Bringme sunshine for your lovely reply. I am paying to see a menopause specialist as there are none in the SW and so far my Gp won't refer me elsewhere. My estrogen levels have come up a lot, the problem seems to be that a reaction to progesterone set off this awful anxiety and despite stopping it the anxiety stayed. That was 3 months ago and I've been struggling ever since. No-one seems to be able to come up with a solution to the anxiety except diazepam (which clearly isn't a long term fix) or propranolol (which also made me very depressed). I'm desperate now - don't know what to do but lie on the sofa and cry. Given that this was all brought on by cancer treatment I can't understand why there's no help whatsoever from that department - money i guess. Wish I was dead right now.
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racjen I similarly really struggled with anxiety to a point where it became completely intolerable. My saviour was pregabalin. I find it so more effective than diazepam and propanalol. GPs don't seem to be that aware of it's use for anxiety but it is really good. It is non addictive, you don't build up a tolerance and for me, it had no side effects. I take just 75mg at night (you can take up to 600mg safely) and sometimes 25mg in the morning if I am feeling very bad. It is quite sedative so will help you sleep at night, which was always my first sign that my anxiety was getting out of hand. It is truly the best thing I have ever been prescribed and has changed my life.
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Jessieblue and Racjen,
How I wish I could wrap us all up in a blanket of comfort and love until this is all over.
Please know you are not alone and that you are needed in this world however it feels right now.
I wish I could transport us out of this experience to the other side where there is once again love, belly laughs, gentleness, self compassion, strength and a feeling of being ok in our own skin.
Xxx
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Racgen ive not read all the posts, but I just noticed you have just gone on sertraline. I'm on it. But I can tell you after I came off and had to go back on it my anxiety sky rocketed, I literally laid on my bed, I couldn't get out of the house, it was horrendous. It took at least 3 months to come through that and be ‘normal' again. If you can stick with it it will help.
Maybe go down to 25 and build up over a month, I did that and stopped at 75mg.
Don't read my present posts as I'm a mess again as life and hrt has seriously wrecked my head.
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racjen it wont stay like this look what you have survived and come through which is amazing. This is a blip that is taking a while to sort out. Aspie has given advice re what worked for her can you mention this to the dr on monday(they will see you urgently.
Please talk to someone,
I have found this website which has a helpline and a live chat roomhttps://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/information-support/support-you/someone-talk/call-our-helpline Others that have been through what you have and are now suffering in menopause particularly with progestorne may have come across this problem
There is a facebook Hormone Harmony Club open 24/7 with answers, support and a friendly community. Im not on facebook and it may be similar to this one but its worth looking at if you areon facebook.
If you are really feeling that down you must tell your family, there are the samaritans on 116 123 there all the time and a sane number there daily it says 0300 304 7000
If you think that the progestorone is the main problem here have they asked you to try a mirena coil and sorry if you have already been down that route. I say that because it works for me.
You are NOT alone in this IT WILL GET BETTER you just havent found the right combination of meds yet. Please do not give up. PLEASE contact your dr again and tell them how desperate you are, mention what aspie has said about what she went on, the mirena coil etc
You have come so far and you will come out of this at the other end its just taking longer but you will gt there.
Love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx
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How R U this morning?
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Under instructions from the Crisis Team I've doubled the dose of Sertraline today (which seems counterintuitive to me as it's that that's making me depressed). It's knocked me out completely so I'm just lying here on the sofa listening to the radio. At least I don't feel anxious - it seems to have a beneficial effect on that immediately, but I don't feel anything else much either.
Just to clarify, I'm not on any type of progesterone at all at the moment,because taking it caused this massive anxiety response and coming off it has made no difference, I'm still stuck with the anxiety. Nobody seems to understand why.
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Maybe the brain needs a little more input from the medication which will ease anxiety. That's one issue, the next is to help the depression. Let the medication do it's work. Rest - listen to your body. I spent hours laying on the sofa ......... for several years. Until I found a regime which helped both depression, despair and anxiety.
How is your appetite?
:bighug:
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nonexistent - if my daughters weren't here tocook for me i probably wouldn't bother to eat at all.
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but you manage if food is put in front of you?
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Hi everyone. I am so thankful for all your replies and I am so sorry some of you are still suffering with similar problems. It really is a hell on earth isnt it? Please forgive me for not replying sooner and please also forgive me for not mentioning each of you by name. I am feeling very overwhelmed in general and my mind is very foggy, so I may get things wrong. There are so great suggestions above and I will read through all these posts a few more times to get a clearer idea. I feel exhausted at the moment. Im not sleeping at all, this is a deal breaker because my anxiety was so bad all day from say 5am but at night i was so exhausted and drunk on wine I would sleep quite well. This gave me something to look forward to. I would sleep all day if I could but I cant sleep at all now. My acid reflux thing....i say thing because it is like a monster, it doesnt allow me to lie down at all. I have to sleep sitting up and on my back. Even then I can feel a lump in my throat and a burning feeling in my throat and mouth. Not exactly like the usual acid i used to get but this terrifies me because nothing helps. I am emetophobe so the thought of stomach contents rising with no control is terrifying. I am afraid to lay down bend over move fast......I feel like a cripple afraid of every movement. The tests I need to have involve things down my throat and the operation to fix this would maybe cause vomiting and not being able to swallow food etc. I cannot go through this no way. So I have to accept the way I am and try to get through the hours and days. The thought of trialling different meds is horrifying as they may well make me worse and not better. I cannot do worse, I really cant. I wish I knew if i needed HRT, I have seen a gyn but he said blood tests were not worth doing and just gave me elvorel conti patches......I havent used them, my gut says no because if i dont need the oestrogen and progesterone I may cause more problems. I wish I could find somewhere to look properly at my situation because my anxiety really ramped up when my mirena coil ran out. Its been in 7 nearly 8 years now and Im guessing would have stopped working a while back......anxiety has been sky high for 16 months. I dont want to guess medicate, I cannot afford to make a mistake because believe me I am clinging on by my fingernails. This stomach problem.......well I guess Im stuck with that for life. I feel so lost right now and too tired to do anything about all this mess that has become my life. I listen to comforting things, audiobooks about self help and meditation etc. Thats all I can do to help ease the pain.
Thank you again, I will keep reading this thread. I get strength from all the love on here and I send all my love to those of you also suffering. I wish I had something helpful to say. xxx
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Jessieblue if your coil stopped working and you've had it in 7/8 years it's because after 5 years the coil progesterone gets to such a low level it requires changing. Have you thought about having it changed and adding oestrogen to see if this helps with your crippling anxiety? (Sorry I may have missed something earlier on in the thread, I'm going by your last post) Professor Studd wrote an email newsletter that one of the ladies posted on here about menopause being responsible for a lot of women's anxiety/ low mood problems. You could have a new coil if it worked before and titrate the oestrogen if you asked for oestrogel to suit to see if your anxiety subsides. Maybe worth a discussion with your GP?
I hope you have a glimpse of a good day today, I really feel for you suffering so much 💐xx
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Jessieblue. My coil had gone to 5 and a half years and thats when all my problems seemed to start last January 17. My dr seemed to think it would help to get me through the menopause when it was put in the previous 5 years ago. I had no symptons of menopause until 2017 I was using it as a contraceptive. I was since told its 5 years for progestorone and 7 when using for contraceptive reasons. I would seriously have it changed. xx
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Well that's it for sertraline - after two days on the increased dose i feel so bad i can hardly get out of bed let alone leave the house, I'm crying all the time, not eating, just feel desperate. Phoned the Crisis Team and they said Ok, stop taking it, you're clearly very sensitive to ADs. AT LAST - felt like saying à told you so' as I said this so many times and they insisted I try another one. So now it's back to the search for something to relieve the anxiety without making me suicidal.... :'(
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An anti-anxiety medication then? 3 days of 5mg Valium 3 times a day then in the morning then as necessary. Worked for me in the 1990s. Because I knew it would work I was able to use it without becoming reliant. I also have 20mg of Propranolol at night to ease any anxiety surges.
Rest. Keep hydrated. I make a cup of BOvril with hot water to sip and when I start to feel better, I can add some toast. Dried fruits and nuts are useful as are bananas.
jessieblue - get yourself some Rennies! they work for my heart burn. Chewable. Usually it takes 2 tablets to begin easing symptoms.
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Already on diazepam, barely makes a dent in the morning depression, and propranolol also made me extremely depressed. Fast running out of options :'(
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How much 'valium' .
How is your diet? Anxiety and depression can be worse if we don't eat 'enough'.
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Racjen, I don't know what the answer is but there must be one.
You must feel so fed up with trying things.
I have hated the whole trial and error and being patient with various options.
Thinking of you xxxx
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Racjen please consider pregabalin. I had been on ADs and HRT but that wasn't enough. Pregabalin saved me. It targets anxiety very well and is sedative so it helps sleep. Despite some bad press it is non addictive, you don't build up long term tolerance and for me it had zero side effects. I also tried diazepam and beta blockers and neither really worked for me. It has changed my life for the better and it really might help you too.
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:thankyou: aspie65!
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Thankyou aspie, I'll ask about pregabalin this afternoon - the Crisis Team are coming round with a psychiatrist because I was in such a state at the weekend. I've made it clear I'm not taking anymore ADs; I've now tried 7 and they've all had this horrible effect. Didn't take sertraline tis morning and already feel a bit better, but of course now the anxiety is creeping back...
CLKD I'm on 5mg diazepam 3 times a day, have been for several weeks now. At the moment I'm struggling to eat and I take your point about food, but when this all started I was on the healthiest diet I've ever been on due to having had cancer, and it didn't stop me getting ill like this.
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Hope all goes well for you. I have sent you a personal message with more details. It would be lovely to hear how you get on when you feel up to it.
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racjen Good Luck. You will get better there is something out there for you please dont ever give up looking. Sending you love and hugs xxx
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Psychiatrist just gone - had to fight toothandnail not to be prescribed yet more ADs but I stood my ground. Now have prescription for pregabalin, god I hope this one works, really can't take much more.
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Hugs ❤️
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Did you feel listened too? As my anxiety levels rose mid-morning, I thought of you :-\. Are you to continue with the Valium ?
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I think he finally got it that I'm not depressed unless I'm put on an antidepressant that makes me depressed; the problem is anxiety. It did take a hell of a lot of repeating to get it in there though - I think they see a distressed crying woman and instantly the label 'depressed' gets stuck on and it takes practically grabbing them by the throat and shaking them to dislodge it.
Apparently pregabalin takes 2 to 3 weeks to work so yes, still on diazepam and zopiclone. Although pregabalin isn't an AD i was alarmed when I googled it to find all the same warnings about it possibly making you more depressed, suicidal etc. so I'm feeling a bit freaked out right now - to be honest I think all these brain altering drugs have a bad effect on me (and the psychiatrist confirmed that beta-blockers are known to cause depression in some people, so my GP was as usual talking complete rubbish when she said that wasn't possible).
But i have to try it as there doesn't seem to be a lot else going :'(
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Stay in touch, really hope this one helps. You so deserve a break. Thinking of you xxxx
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Sorry you haven't got an easy fix. It's a tough time, hang in there xx
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The brain needs support. The gut is our 2nd brain. Run the two together and all Hell breaks out :'(
I have a friend who gets hyper on betablocaks which is opposite to what they are designed for so your GP knows nowt :bang:. My Dad had an AD which made him agitated, I remember walking miles and miles with him trying to ease his agitation.
Keep us up to date!
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Pregablin is good stuff I dread to think what state I would be in without it. It's prescribed to be taken 3x a day but I take my full dose at night to help knock me out but even then it can be 3/4 o'clock in the morning. I'm currently on 300mg but have been on as much as 600 in the past x
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I take on board what you're all saying about pregabalin, but having looked it up I discovered that, although not an AD, it comes with all the same warnings about possibly making you worse, even suicidal, before it helps. Given that that's what happens to me on anti-depressants I'm pretty reluctant now to give it a go - my experience with sertraline was pretty scary, came pretty close to opening that nice new packet of stanley knife blades and using them on myself. I just have the feeling that my brain doesn't want to be interfered with.
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You need to be seen by a Psychiatrist so that you can discuss your fears. I was reluctant to start anything new in case it made me worse; same with food, I wouldn't eat in case I felt worse ......... :'(. You need support is admission a possibility?
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racjen, I have just caught up with these latest posts. I am so sorry you are in this terrible place at the moment. I completely understand your desperation. I wish I had something to say to help you....but as you can see I know bugger all about recovering so far so Im not great for information but I am good at holding hands. Please chat to us or pm me. I am on facebook too if you prefer to use fb messenger.....It is so hard and the whole medication trialling terrifies me too. I have so far refused ads. My gut tells me they are not the answer, but what do I know?? I have read some book....well listened to audiobooks actually that although havent cured me have brought me immense comfort and helped me to cope in the past. I dont know if you have read any Claire Weekes books?? I find her so soothing and what she says makes perfect sense. I think her first book is hope and help for your nerves. Also Eckhart tolle.....he is a longterm guest on Oprah....I love oprah! He has some books and videos on youtube about living more in the moment. Hes a spiritual teacher and I find him so comforting. I have his audiobook the power of now and I listen to it at night when i cannot sleep and am terrorised by my thoughts and symptoms. Also a book called frazzled by ruby wax is very good. I find doing some hypnosis downloads or headspace meditation app help me too. Its not much but at the really bad times these things bring me back to the present and give me a little peace. Peace of mind is everything to me now. I have no other ambition in life but to have peace. Please keep talking and take comfort in all these wonderful women that are walking alongside you on this painful journey. You are not alone. xxx
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Pregablin is not at all like sertraline. They tried me on it after citilopram and I had to have crisis team intervention as I felt suicidal and severely agitated so was taken straight off it. The pregablin chills you out I remember after my first one I felt so relaxed and dare I say slightly stoned but much more preferable than an anxious mess. I found propanolol increased my depression too so I was took off it but I've recently restarted it but I'm keeping an eye out for its return x
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CLKD, I have been seen by a psychiatristwith the Crisis Team - he first tried to persuade me to try yet another AD when I've already had major reactions to 7 others, then prescribed pregabalin without any warning that it too can cause suicidal ideation. Not very impressed with the medical profession right now.
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Racjen have you tried all the SNRIs? I cannot tolerate SSRIs Prozac etc made me even worse than I was when I started peri. My symptoms extreme anxiety and mood swings then I was given Effexor 75mg which really worked and with very little side effects....its just a thought but you may have already tried SNRIs and I understand we are all different! X
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I've tried SSRIs, SNRIs, NRIs, trycyclics, tetracyclics, beta-blockers also made me depressed...need I go on? I'm sure there are many more I could try, but I just can't go on doing this, each time it happens it feels like my brain has been assaulted and it takes days, if not weeks, to recover both physically and emotionally.
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You know your brain the best racjen ........ ! Maybe relaxation therapy or yoga as a starter, the trouble was I couldn't find time to practice ::). A good routine if possible, also I found making lists each evening and ticking off chores, showed me exactly what I achieved each day. It helped ease my mind into that I wasn't actually being lazy. Yoga gives the person time to engage the brain in nowt at all, allowing the body to 'breath' and begin to heal.
Professionals seem to go through all that is available by rote, often not listening to what the suffered is trying to tell them. I want to be treated like an individual, don't you? :hug:
It makes 1 scared to try anything, 'in case'. For me it was constant nausea until my GP found something in 1989 that didn't make me feel sick. PHEW!
Has your psychiastrist suggested any brain scans to see what is actually going on 'in there', there's a new train of thought that pain relief might work to ease any upset in the brain. It was in the Press last week but I haven't yet read what is intended, other than it's to be trialled in the UK.
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Hi, just wondering how people are today?
I am feeling quite a bit better although I am reluctant to mention it as it's early days. Things can change so much with hormones, mood and anxiety and I know that it will take time to truly recover from the past few months of horrendous anxiety and low mood.
It is also so hard at this stage to work out what is helping. The oestrogen, the counselling, the fact I feel I might be able to return gently to work, the iron tablets, the mirtazapine, the fact I got my period last week and it felt like the clouds parted or the galvinised Maca powder (yes, really - I've pretty much thrown everything at this!).
I am wondering how you are Racjen, Jessieblue and anyone else struggling at this complex and confusing time. Please know you are not alone.
Xxx
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Hi Mindfulmoomins
I am so very pleased to hear that you have started to feel a bit better, that is encouraging to hear after how difficult it has all been.
You do eventually come out of the bad times but it is so impossible to believe that when you are right in the middle of "hell".
Just keep going as you are and don't plan too much ahead enjoy the feeling better feeling and do not rush back to work however gently until you are properly better.
Well Done xx
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Even though I know what causes the depression, anxiety etc., when it hits no amount of knowledge takes away the physicality of it all :'( which is why the emergency med is for me, essential.
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I agree totally CLKD. Having a bad day today after a really good week. I cannot do this without medicinal aid!
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I thought that I was the only 1 who has to resort to a 'pill' .......... at least I know that it takes between 20-45 mins. to kick in, PHEW!
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I have to resort for a pill too CLKD if it gets too much, but have to try ration them cos getting a prescription refilled is like trying to find the holy grail x
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Hello all,
well I ended up rejecting the pregabalin option - just don't feel my brain can cope with any more interference right now, and I do feel after 7 attempts at ADs the likelihood is I'll react similarly to pregabalin (and my local pharmacist agreed). So I've been signed off by the Crisis Team, have been referred to the Depression and Anxiety Service and am coping on diazepam 3 times a day. Coping is the word really - very very up and down, still crying daily and wondering if I'll ever get my life back. I've just started again with testosterone - last time my estrogen level was still on the floor so it was unsuccessful, but I'm really hoping that now my estrogen level is looking good it'll help with mood and anxiety. Was having an extended break from utrogestan, but have just started bleeding spontaneously so I suspect I'm going to have to brave that again. So tbh I'm still in the thick of it :(. Glad you're feeling some improvement Mindfulmoonins xxx
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Racjen, it's so hard isn't it trying different things and hoping they help. I have heard testosterone can make a real difference but can take quite a few weeks to work. Fingers crossed for you.
I have been on a months break from utrogestan too. Back on it soon too so I will be with you on that one.
Take care, love and hugs to you xxxx
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I think you are listening to your body racjen. It's there if you want it! Do you keep a mood/food/diary? I may of course have asked B4 ::) but of course, menobrain .......
How long will you have to wait for the Anxiety Service? Do you have a MIND group close by for support?
Does the Valium take the edge of symptoms and how long B4 it kicks in?
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They tell me probably a month before I get a referral to the Depression and Anxiety service - to be honest I'm not holding my breath as I know their default treatment is CBT and I don't feel that will help with hormonal anxiety. The Valium does take the edge off - I take 10mg 1st thing in the morning and another 5mg at lunchtime, and it certainly makes it bearable, takes 20 mins or so to work.
I don't keep a food/mood diary, mainly because I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past and the last thing I need is to start getting obsessed with food again. I have been GF for 20 years due to major intolerance since pregnancy, I try to eat very healthy since cancer and I do take a whole range of supplements, but I'm not going to start listing everything I eat again - not a good strategy for me. What helps me most is drawing - I'm a professional artist, and drawing takes my mind somewhere where the mood recedes into the background.
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What a wonderful gift to be able to draw. I am hopeless but good at colouring in.
Keep drawing and take one day at a time, that old cliche, just think of yourself and this all will be a bad dream one day. You can have a showing of all your drawings before and after it all, charting your journey.
Everything will turn out fine I cant say when but it will. Dont give up.
Nearly every day last year I cried absolutely convinced there were no meds to help me the drs had even put "treatment resistant" on my reports, it was crushing. I couldnt see a way out of it all or a future with me in it.
Fast forward a year and I am looking around for hotels when I go up to do the Great North Run later this year. Unheard of for me last year I could barely get out of bed/out of the house.
Sometimes it just takes longer to get the solution.
You may be doing the great north run with me next year!! Or does the thought of that make you feel worse!!!!
Lots of Love & a big warm bear hug xxxxx
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Hello there.
Yes, I have felt suicidal, just the once. I had a MH melt down at the start of peri...not realising it was peri....GP Gabe me Prozac, took two doses and headed out of the house early one morning- sat on the river bank for 3.5 hours, threw my moby in the river, got cold and very wet.....vision of my kids stopped me ending it. No husband came to find me...in fact he went to work! ...I walked back home rang a friend who took me to the doc....started citralopam and never looked back.
Dark days, now divorced, happier and whole, yes I take AD,'s but that's fine ...if you know my posts I also lost my eldest to suicide 3 years ago....it's five since my melt down..
One day at a time, mindfullness and hope...
Woodlands xx
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Woodlands
Just before i turn in I just read your post. What a wonderful person you sound so brave and kind to take the time to offer support when you have lost so much. You are a survivor. No one should ever lose a child it is the greatest loss of all. My friend lives with that daily as her son too took his life, so sad when all they want to do is stop the pain and think they not being there would be best for everyone else. Poorly mental health can be so misunderstood.
I am pleased that you say you are whole and happier that must have taken a long time to get to. There is still so much to live for and life still has much in store, you live your life to the full for you and those you have loved.
I love the word hope.... Hold One Pain Ends
Take care of you xxxx
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Good strategy racjen - as a recovering anorexic who for years avoided the kitchen I can at least look at food and wash up at the sink. :bighug:
Great North Run - nope! I'll hold the warm towel at the end ;-)
>wave< Woodlands
Off for lunch ......... apparently my body is hungry!
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Hi There,
I would ask for a second opinion with your doctors, I had a breakdown a few years ago, I sat in the doctor's office and told them I wanted to end it all, I got help that day. Menopause effects drive me to tears sometimes and I am just in the early stages. I also have to deal with the constant wail in my ear from tinnitus. So I get it.. my husband doesn't get it, sometimes hearing from people who do identify with your pain can help. I have suffered from depression for years, had counselling, been on antidepressants which made symptoms worse. You are a brave lady for sharing, go and get a second opinion, your doctors should be ashamed! I have dealt with doctors who had no idea what to do and other's who were sympathetic, the crisis team is a good option. Having been so low that thinking suicide is the only option I can tell you there is a tunnel and a light.
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:thankyou: l1zzi313
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Hi lovely ladies. This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely. I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned. However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now. I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now. However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia. Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause. I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option. My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists. I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie. I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment. Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them. Maybe a vicar or priest? I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them. To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep. The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now. Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here. Feeling very alone right now. xx
Sorry to hear you are feeling very alone right now. Also that hubby gets angry, patience wasn't shared equally among humans.
You won't get sectioned I promise, take it from someone with experience of psychiatric seervices, they don't have the resources to section anyone unless they are in serious crisis and I mean serious, without dismissing your current state.
I can empathise with your feelings of wanting to sleep and not wake up, and the only thing that keeps me from commmitting suicide is reincarnation and karma, even though I am not religious. For the vast majority of the existence of this planet, all those aeons, 99.9+ percent of cultures believed in reincarnation and rebirth.
The meaning of life is to learn and love, and the lessons we dont learn in this life, we get to have another go in the next incarnation. Suicide is frowned on. I am NOT religious, but reincarnatoin makes sense to me and i cannot shake the belief off that we reincarnate.
Suicide scares me in case the next life is magnified problems even more, which is why I am still here.
Are you on hrt? Not every woman wants it anad that's thier choice, I wish I hadnt gone on it as I am addicted to valium and prog/valium are cross tolerant which means i have to stay on prog for life, as its micronized and i cannot taper it.
Can't take pills cos IBS stopped me absorbing them.