Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Mindfulmoomins on December 30, 2017, 01:02:09 PM
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Hi everyone,
I am struggling again today and can't seem to stop crying. I think it is compounded by the fact it's my birthday and I am aware of how I would like to feel (like myself, a sense of self esteem and the ability to feel joy) versus how I actually feel (low, a bit anxious, wondering when this feeling will ever go).
My husband and daughter are being amazing and very supportive and I love them dearly.
My mood did pick up a bit after I had a bleed 2 days after stopping the ultragestan a week ago but today I almost feel like my brain isn't firing right. I am on an antidepressant and have been for many years and also amitriptyline 40 mg at night.
I am just over two weeks into 3 pumps of Estrogel (but was on ultragestan cycle wise for the first week of that).
I am missing the fact I am not working too. I spoke to my Manager who is also a friend yesterday and I can't believe I have been off for 8 weeks. I couldn't stop sobbing down the phone. I am not sure if going back would help or not but I have an occupational health appointment 15th Jan and they may be able to help.
I am seeing my GP 3rd Jan. if I still feel like this tomorrow I will try and see someone then.
Thank you for being there. Next birthday will surely be better! X
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Ahh bless you I so hope you have a nice birthday - maybe a take away, massage, lunch Is it a special one? I'm dreading hitting the big 50 next year My friends want to plan things but never know how I'll feel Be kind to yourself and do something just for you today Even a nice bath with scented candles I hate that I often back out of things at the last minute because of how I feel Most days I try to think of it as my new normal and feel grateful for my husband and children, but I know it's so hard when you want to scream inside Big hugs! S x
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I am so glad you posted. It could be me writing what you put. I have been 'up and down' for the past 2 years whilst in peri and have been struggling for the last 2 days after having a pretty good 2 months. When I am in this gloomy, anxious, fuddled place I forget that I have been here before several times in the past year and each time it improves but it is so hard to drag yourself back by doing the things that help e.g. keeping busy and eating properly. This time last year I was terrified I had dementia as I felt so foggy and the more I worried the more I did stupid things like putting things in the wrong place or thinking it was Wednesday when it was Monday. I have tried HRT and have a packed of untouched Sertraline lurking in the bathroom cupboard; the leaflet of side effects had me back tracking. My 47th year plagued with anxiety whilst my period cycles went hectic. I think we need to try and fight it as it is easy for it to engulf you; eat, keep breathing, fix a smile. :)
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Hi Mindfulmoomins
I feel the same as you and its awful. Can't see a way out of this at the moment. I'm into my 8th week of HRT so just hoping it kicks in soon.
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Blimey Mindfulmoomins, you just described how I'm feeling too :(. Managed to rally and hold everything together for Xmas itself despite continuing anxiety, but now it's all done I feel so bloody depressed and fed up with feeling like this and wondering if it'll ever end. I've also been off work for 6 weeks and can't really imagine how I'm going to go back in the foreseeable future. My manager is lovely, very kind and sympathetic, but I feel so weak and pathetic, like I should be able to cope and I'm failing somehow. I saw a picture in the local paper today of an acquaintance who went thru the whole breast cancer ordeal around the same time as me last year, and she looked absolutely fine, happy and smiling and just become the deputy Mayor. Spent most of the morning sobbing over this - how come she's just sailed thru it and I feel like my whole life has collapsed?
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Racjen,
Pictures are only a snapshot of life, doesn't mean that she really is happy.
This thread could be about me too. I've only just come out of one bout of anxiety, a few days out of it and straight back in it again.
Big Hugs xxxx
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Oh thank you lovely mm people. This is so bloody awful and I would rather you weren't suffering but the fact I'm not alone helps.
My manager is lovely too and I love my job.
If I feel like this tomorrow I might see the GP if I can. Feeling depressed when things are ok externally is such a horrible experience.
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What do people think to creating a 'mood' thread for all of struggling like this? We could call it 'not alone in this' or something like that?
Just a thought x
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Good idea x
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Wonderful idea go ahead xx
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Hi Ladies.
You are all describing how I felt in my late 50's. (My menopause came late) Looking back it was like being a teenager which I thought had been the worst time of my life. I've now reached 60, finally seem to have my HRT sorted and life is much calmer for everyone. I think if you can cast your mind back to those emotional teenage years, then remember that you became strong capable women having many years when your body behaved itself and you were in control of your emotions (more or less) you can look forward to a time not far off when you will feel normal again. I can tell you I am not the person I was 5 - 10 years ago. My confidence has returned and I'm physically and mentally active albeit a bit slower. I've taken up jogging (The Couch to 5K programme) and spend as much time outside as possible. I would tell my 50ish year old self not to worry and hang in there it will get better. X
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What a lovely uplifting post StillSearching. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am 48 but feel if the coming years are like the last two then my enjoyable life is over. I had no idea peri / menopause was so physically and mentally crushing and it is still a nasty shock even though part of me knows it is ' natural'. Please keep posting anything which might give us hope!
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Hi MM
Yes your original post describes me too at the moment after having a good few weeks. Especially the bit about wanting to like yourself!
It definitely helps that we know we are not alone so coming on here has always helped for me.
As others have said, eat healthy, make sure you drink plenty of water, put on a funny film if you can. It's hard but tiny steps can help.
I take a good quality multi vitamin with high vit d as the time of year always make things worse for me.
There's a lot of free apps with Mindfulness exercises or relaxation which could help.
Just remember, it will pass.
Xxx
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No need for another thread, it may get lost ;-)
The Change brings challenges. Trying to continue with work whilst coping with what meno throws!!! What does your Manager really think about the amount of time you have taken from work, is this your main worry right now? That you will get the sack?
Jot down your feelings/moods/food .......... you can then see whether there is a pattern. Useful to take to the GP APpt. What do you want a medic to do for you?
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I also meant to say, I was off work due to mental health issues for 4 months. I had a meeting with occ health and they really helped.
I was offered counselling and CBT therapy both of which were really beneficial.
Take care x
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Thank you Mia71mum xxx
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May I join you all for I'm having a pity party all by myself.
I can't believe my hormones could be causing me such hideous symptoms. I'm peri too and have been off work for 14 weeks now. I tried to go back but failed after 2 shifts and it's all down to anxiety. I'm scared but I don't know what of and then my mind runs away with itself
I'm on estrogel 3 pumps still early days and also take antidepressants which I've took for a few years but nothing seems to be helping x
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May I join you all for I'm having a pity party all by myself.
I can't believe my hormones could be causing me such hideous symptoms. I'm peri too and have been off work for 14 weeks now. I tried to go back but failed after 2 shifts and it's all down to anxiety. I'm scared but I don't know what of and then my mind runs away with itself
I'm on estrogel 3 pumps still early days and also take antidepressants which I've took for a few years but nothing seems to be helping x
Please don't say you failed. You didn't fail anything. You wanted to go back to work but it was a bit too soon, just a fact. You say your mind runs away with itself which shows you can separate what your mind does from what you know to be true. The mind is a strange thing isn't it? Get yourself a sheet of paper and start writing everything that comes into your head. Any old stuff as it comes to you. You will eventually come to what is really bothering you and then you can deal with it.
:bighug:
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4mesons,
Welcome. I feel the same self pity and then hate that I feel like that.
Well done for trying to go back to work. I know just how hard that will have been and it takes courage to try. Like stillsearching said, you just weren't ready.
Some moments I tell myself ‘it's hormones, don't worry, I am still in there underneath all the difficult feelings' and other moments I struggle with despair or confusion about why I feel so horrible.
I am trying to lower my expectations of myself and am also trying not to ruminate on how I'm feeling. Not managed to do either of those today....
Wishing you good night's sleep. Xx
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I try to take some comfort in the fact that we are all experiencing the very same things; these awful out of control, swinging emotions and tearful anxiety. I wish there was a local group where I could meet up with women going through the same thing. Somewhere I can moan , cry, laugh manically, dump it all out. I find it hard to ' carry on' as 'normal' with family and friends. Even those closest to me have a tolerance as to how many times I can tell them I feel ' weird'. I end up feeling like I am living this inner anxious life and a fake ' brave face' life , then there is an inner core me narrating it all. If only I could change the channel!
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It’s very worrying that there are so many women suffering and struggling through this awful thing called menopause. So many women don’t have a life and have had to give up jobs.
I have been and still am very unwell with menopausal symptoms. I am totally exhausted and have been house bound for the last 4 months. The hrt is taking a long time to make a difference and I have been told I have got to give it 3 months ( I’m on week 8 ). It’s so hard when I feel so poorly and just want my life back xx
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Yes I totally agree Dotty and Rose,
Is anyone is Hertfordshire?
Big hugs to you both, I identify with what you are both feeling and would do anything to pull us all out of it xx
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Ladies if you want to feel more rubbish I got a pop up on yahoo news of how Jaclyn Smith looks at 72 (the Charlies Angel remember) - she looks about 32 ! I do wonder if we all lived in Spain or LA and could just sit out in the sun every day then some of this anglst would melt away. It is telling for me that I can go on holiday and feel terrible before and after but fine when I'm away. I think underlying stress and having a personality pre-disposed to anxiety makes the hormone swings of meno much harder to bear. I am dithering as to whether to try ADs for the anxiety (have sertraline) but had a bad experience on HRT . From this site it seems like medication works for 50% but makes things worse for the other 50%. Back to my NY resolutions!
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Well I've woken up or should I say was woke up by my heart.! It was pounding so hard and so fast I could feel it in my throat and ears if that makes sense. It has now scared the life out of me which is adding fuel to the fire. The last time this happened this bad was 2 years ago and I actually called an ambulance. I have a home bp/hr monitor but I'm too scared to use it for fear of the reading. Luckily I had an emergency anxiety med which I have taken half of so I'm waiting for that too kick in and calm me down
What a start to the new year
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4mesons. You probably were having a bad dream just before you woke up. Also did you have any wine last night? I find since peri I can't tolerate wine; almost feels like the chemical in it are poison to me. Other things are fine, but white wine particularly bad. Try not to panic, it is just your worry kicking in.
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I can echo stillsearchin's post. Just lately I have started to feel so much better and more able to cope after four years of terrible bouts of health anxiety and general depression. I also did the couch to 5k and run every other day if possible, I watch what I eat and don't drink much.
I know it is still there lurking in the background, but can now recognise that it will lift, and things will get better.
Good luck.
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Thanks ladies
I don't drink alcohol anymore so it wasn't that but I think I was having a bit of a bad dream but nothing terrifying. I think I was startled somehow and made it worse by thinking the worse which in turn made heart rate higher and blood pressure increase. I still feel unsettled but trying to distract myself x
I've just proven that I can rationalise it so I know I'm not mad