Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: mabel64 on November 03, 2017, 05:57:55 PM
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Wallow alert :(. Im new here and I apologise in advance for the moan but it is sort of meno related. Im single and havent had a relationship for a couple of years. Untill 6 years ago I was married, we had been married for 25 years when he decided he wanted to seperate. A couple of years after our seperation I met a man who turned out to have 'issues'. He was emotionally abusive and I finally saw sense and we split up.
Since then I havent met anyone. I go out quite often, work in a job where I have lots of contact with men, but never get asked out. Ive never been attractive and recently Im beginning to feel really down on myself, feel like my skin etc has aged loads recently. Other women seem to get asked out and have relationships but I feel invisible.
I lost one of my best friends as (and I cringe to admit it) I found it hard to handle the fact that she was getting asked out and was in a relationship. I realise this makes me sound bitter and not very nice and to be honestthat is not so far off the truth these days.
I know that having someone isnt the be all and end all, but I just cant imagine that a man is going to want to be with me again, and it makes me really sad.
Sorry to vent, if there are any other ladies who are out there coping with menopausal symptoms without the support of a significant other it would be good to hear from you x
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You vent away. "The Change" throws up all kinds of feelings.
Did you have any warning that your ex-husband intended to leave? Relationships need to be mourned over. Did you have children or have you relatives close by?
Have some 'me' time! You are allowed you know. Don't do it for anyone else.
Maybe treat yourself or ask for a birthday gift - I am thinking about a session at one of those 'make up' counters in large stores. There are many ways of lifting a skin tone etc.. If you have used make-up for years, you may need to update the shades to something more 'age' appropriate. Near where I live we have several large stores as well as private companies that offer advice on make-up, hair colour etc.. I had my toe nails coloured for example and this particular company offer all kinds of 'me' time sessions.
Spas might be a way of getting advice too. You don't have to make appts. for treatment but there should be encouragement available as well as leaflets as to what is available over-all.
Long hair can make ladies of a certain age look weary. Hi or low-lights can be useful. Maybe pop into a hair-dressers and ask advice? You don't have to book an appt. immediately; maybe choose one that has wigs - I had great fun trying on various lengths to see what might suit: at the time my hair was below shoulder length. I went for a short cut followed by a perm eventually ;D. If you remember Crystal Tips and
Alaisder .......... ;).
I am glad that you ditched the man who emotionally controlled you, not easy to do but you saw sense :medal:
Go through your wardrobe. Put clothing into groups/colours and decide, if you wear jewellery, 2 maybe put that close by. Shoes can make a difference to how we stand, walk and present ourselves (I could solve 85% of women's back problems ;-) ) .........
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Mabel64 I'm single too. Maybe the men don't realise you are looking for someone. I'm not really too worried. I don't like to be tied down and I don't think in so good at relationships.
I'm sure you look better than you think. We all notice our own faults. I was pointing mine out to my beauty therapist when she commented that she thought I was in my mid 30s like her. I'm sure she was just being nice. It's difficult for us to take enough time for ourselves when we work and are tired after work and with hormones all over the place. Try to do just one thing a day for yourself, even if it's just to have a bath with some bath salts, or go for a Sunna or do a yoga class. Our busy lives don't really make it easy to meet people. Do you live in a city or a rural area?
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I'll bump my earlier thread ;-)
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Hi both thank you for your quick replies. CLKD, not really any warning as such although I think we had grown apart. He is a good man unlike the next one I had the misfortune to meet! I have family...4 children (all grown up) and a grandson. So I do appreciate that Im lucky in many ways. But obviously they have their own lives and dont really wangt their mum moaning about her lack of a lovelife!!
Even to be asked on a date would be nice. I find Im constantly comparingmyself to other women and wondering what it is Im lacking? My hair has been thinning over the last 20 years and although I try to make the most of myself with makeup etc I dont feel good about myself. And this is mostly due to the fact noone is ever interested in me.
I just dont feel like me anymore. I used to love to read, cant concentrate now. I cant seem to settle to anything. I miss the exercise classes I used to do before I developed muscle and joint aches. I dont get excited about anything, everything just seems so flat.
Katia, I live in a rural area but in reach of cities. I did try online dating but had no sucess and that made me even lower, I only seemed to get messages from men at least 20 years older.
I know I need to accept that I might not meet anyone . Everyone says that I need to be happy with myself and like myself first. But I just dont.
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Mable64 of course you will meet someone. Try to go some things you like to do and maybe you will like yourself. I'm in a rural area in England too, within reach of cities and it's difficult. I think that the weather is cold so we're not outside makes it harder too.
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Hello Mabel 64.
First and foremost I send to you smiles, hugs and love- we all need it ....
I too am alone, I am almost 55, twice married, first nice guy who then beat me very often.. eventually I told him to leave-he was also having an affair in the first year of our sons birth....he would now be 26 but sadly he died 3 years ago.
My second husband seemed all I needed and wanted, two kids, 16 years later he cheated with a woman at work! She's welcome to him ....he does nothing for our children aged 19 and 20 one of whom has big issues.
My point ...alone now four years, had the death of my eldest and some seriously low times. BUT I am an awesome lass beautiful too tall, and beautiful natural grey hair who everyone loves, yes I miss being hugged and held but if the right chap comes my way I may take a chance..
So how about finding your local college for hair and beauty ....go as a model for free as I do....
Woodlands xx
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Good idea Woodlands - get your hair styled for nowt!
Mabel64 - what hobbies did you enjoy?
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Hi ladies.
Any city with a local college no doubt has hair and beauty students. ..call and attend as a model. It's great fun.
We have a school of beauty in Norwich too so waxing, makeovers, nails, toes, Indian head massage, facials are all stuff I attend. Free on charge .....it's lush
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That sounds good Woodlands. So sorry to hear you lost your son, that must have been an incredibly difficult time for you. Im glad that you are in a good place at the moment, you sound like a very confident and together lady, I wish I had your self belief.
CLKD, I used to enjoy hill walking, sewing, reading. I have tried to get interested in these things again but I just dont get the same pleasure from it and I find it really hard to concentrate
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Go into semi-hibernation maybe until the Spring. Have a look-see in your Library or local papers to see if there are groups that you could interact with. Ramblers? Volunteering even? I don't get pleasure from walking alone, Himself goes fishing at a lovely lake which is 2.5 miles round and I think every week that I ought to walk round and look at the wild-life; but it ain't the same alone :-\
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Hi Mabel 64.
I wish I was confident just now...DD using substances to manage now and life is tough.
Always try mindfullness and live in the present xx
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I do feel for you. I believe that you could benefit from concentrating on you at the moment,you need to learn to love and feel comfortable with yourself first. As the ladies have said try a new hairstyle,get a good chop !😊 If you don't like it well it'll grow back ! Try a new shade etc.make the most of this time to do things for you . You've spent years putting your children,your ex, first now is your time to shine and dance. We are here to help support you but you will also need to help yourself too .Your world can be what you want it to be .☺
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Thank you for your kind words and advice. It is appreciated. I do realise that being someones 'significant other' is not the be all and end all but also feel that it is a normal human desire to love and be loved. When I feel old and unattractive there is no-one to reassure me that they still find me desirable, in fact the evidence is there that no-one does...
Its a vicious circle. Desperation is not an attractive trait I know. But the longer I am alone the more insecure and desperate I feel....
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You're not alone all the while, we are here :ola:
I have a friend who has buddies: one guy goes to the theatre with her; another goes cycling with her; her brother goes to pub quizzes occasionally. It's about regaining your confidence so that you feel able to source the company you need.
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I'm a single lady too
But at the moment I feel like a bag lady
I haven't had my hair cut for nearly a year just chop at the fringe with my scissors . My eyebrows are like furry caterpillars and can't remember when I last wore make up I look like Frank Gallagher :o. I'm 48 but feel like I'm now on the scrap heap.
Mind you I don't mind being single as I do like my independence and doing what I want when I want. I have my youngest still at home and my dog and cat for company
:scottie: :catscratch:
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May I ask - who is Frank Gallagher :-\
May I ask also - how is your chin ;) [we have a thread here somewhere ::) ]
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Frank Gallagher was the lead character in shameless lol
I have been aware of a few issues regarding the chin but I am fending them off with tweezers. My mam suffered terribly with facial hair i remember I was always at her with the immac x
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Yep - tweezers are to hand where ever I am: in the car, camper, bathroom, bedroom - along with a mirror that enlarges the area I'm plucking at.
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Hi Mabel64, sorry you are feeling this way. Big hug to you :bighug: I was on my own for a long long time and thought the same as you that I wouldn't meet anyone. I have been with my current fella for 3 years. Believe me it is not all plain sailing and takes a lot of hard work. To be honest I get more support from my friends dealing with my menopause symptoms particularly the depression and weepiness, than I do from my fella. Blokes have no idea what we are going through. I wholeheartedly agree with everything the ladies on the forum suggested, I feel sure you will meet someone probably when you least expect it.
CLKD, I'm with you about the tweezers. Mine go everywhere with me, although I seem to fighting a losing battle, I have more hair on my chin that on my head and a lot of them are turning white, the joys of getting old!
Hang in there Mabel64, you are never alone on this forum. We are all in this together and we all support each other x
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White. And tuff ?
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Some great advice here!
Sorry you're feeling so low, it seems as if you really are focusing on what you believe you're lacking and not what you believe you have to offer. Write down a list of all your good points and the things about you that friends like and what makes you interesting company. If you honestly don't think there is enough in your list, then find something in life to get passionate about, maybe art or clubs you can join or bands you can follow.
Not only will you grow then as a person but you may then meet someone who shares those interests along the way. If you don't yet believe in yourself you may find it's not the right time to get into a relationship as you'll be relying on them too much and feeling not good enough. I suspect, right now, you do have interesting views to hold a good old conversation and that's what holds a relationship together.
Looks can attract attention but so can bright clothes and a bright smile and a confident walk. One of my friends is always asking men out, they don't all say yes but they are always flattered and impressed by her and she feels good just having had the conversation with them. We're all just humans, full of self doubt at times and it's really for you to decide what you'd like and then go and get it! Why should you deserve any less?
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Well said dangermouse! :thankyou: