Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: SIDL02 on September 17, 2017, 03:02:26 AM
-
Hi ladies,
I'm new here and as I'm awake at this ungodly hour I thought I'd have a bit of a rant. I hope you don't mind. So briefly I'm 42 and going through an early menopause after 5 years of unsuccessful fertility treatment. I'm also single (I was using donor). Anyway, as some of oh are only too aware it's a difficult time psychologically and emotionally, particularly when your body is playing havoc with your hormones. I've also had a really hard 18 months which has felt like one trauma after another so the culmination of everything is really taking its toll.
I am normally very strong minded, I own my own business and cope well with knock backs but there have been that many and with me not feeling myself it's proving really challenging. I also can't have HRT due to the breast cancer history in my family so I'm no lt afraid to admit I'm daunted by the journey ahead with me finding this all overwhelming enough already. I am also really struggling with the isolation and lack of support from close friends which I thought I could rely on. They have relied on me enough times in the past but I think as I'm normally very placid and non confrontational they have noticed quite a change and distanced themselves from me which really hurts. I'm not one to blow my own trumpet but I have been a really great and reliable friend to them for many years and have gone above and beyond to be there for them when they've needed me. But just when I need them most they are nowhere to be seen. I probably am guilty of handling a few situations wrong. The menopause makes rational thought so difficult. I've been cross with them for things I probably wouldn't have been previously. I've even pushed them away a bit because I'm upset and frustrated. But they know me well enough to know why I'm behaving the way I am. They also know everything that's happened these past 18 months. And you know how annoying it is when you address a valid reason for being a bit upset with them about something and even though you are totally right and justified in doing so they refuse to accept any responsibility and suggest you're just being overly sensitive and put it down to your hormones and the menopause. Which in turn just makes you even more frustrated and angry. I feel if I said the sky was blue and they said it was purple and I argued my case they would still think they were right and I was wrong and being argumentative because of the menopause.
But this weekend in particular has really upset me and I just know if I raise it then it will be my wacky hormones again. So amongst many traumatic things that have been thrown at me these past 18 months and despite picking myself up and dealing with it pretty well to be fair, I lost my home. For someone who has always been financially independent and has run several businesses this was quite upsetting and the last thing I needed after a very difficult time. Long story short I have had to move into a flat this weekend. Again I have dealt with it as pragmatically as possible but obviously it's been immensely difficult. Anyway, I have lost count of the amount of times I have helped them with their house moves. From packing them up to unpacking the other end. But this weekend I have had to move myself, apart from the removal men I've spent the past two days on my own. No help from them and in fact my closest friend hasn't even been round yet. Now maybe I am being overly sensitive but it's made me feel really down and alone. At a time when at 42, menopausal, single and infertile I would really have expected some support. The problem though comes back to what I said before. If I address it I'm sure it will simply put down to me being unreasonable and overly sensitive again. I just feel so let down tonne honest and you get to the point where you can't be bothered addressing it as you only end up more frustrated and creating a bigger divide in the friendship.
But I can't hide the fact I'm really hurt so wi come across as distant which will also be blamed on my irrational behaviour! Well I guess I'm not asking for any pearls of wisdom. I just wanted to have a rant to those of you who will understand. I guess if you have had similar experiences it will reassure me that I am indeed not clinically insane!
If you managed to get this far thanks for reading and would be lovely to hear back.
Take care, Andrea
-
Do browse round! Make notes. There are links to a couple of other sites in the green banner at the top.
Some people are able to offer support if they have been in a similar situation. Others drain us. It can be hurtful ...........
Have I replied in another thread of yours :-\
-
I understand completely. I had an early menopause at 39 and thought I was going mad (I wasn't!) and was also trying for a family when I was diagnosed.
I couldn't talk to any of my friends about it really as they just didn't understand and thought it wasn't that much of a big deal. I felt totally abandoned. I also felt that absolutely everything got blamed on my hormones and I was always the only one ever at fault. I almost felt my situation became a "get out of jail free card" for others.
It is a very isolating time but please be reassured that you're not alone (or insane!) I came across a forum called Gateway Women and found it really helpful especially in terms of not being able to have a child. Maybe look it up if you get a chance.
I also had a few sessions with a counsellor - really helped to have someone impartial I could talk to and get it all out of my system.
Keep in touch. xx
-
So sorry to hear you are having a dreadful time, it can hurt even more when you have been there for others. You need to vent and I think that some 1 to 1 counselling could be a good start, to offer you the support that you need to come to terms with these changes in your life and how things have turned out. You may not feel like it now, but maybe a new interest or hobby could also help and as life unfortunately shows us, when the chips are down, who are the real friends. Maybe joining a new club or activity could let you meet other possible new friends and give you a new focus. Also maybe look if you have not already to working with a nutritionist to help balance your body during this roller coaster of your life. I wish you all the best and happiness and you have come to the right forum for support, even at 3 am as there is usually someone 'up'. Xxx
-
Hi Nula,
Thanks for your reply. I do find the 'get out of jail card' so frustrating, especially when you are making a totally accurate point. At least we can come on here and have a rant though.
Yes I'm a member of the Gatewag Women site. It's brilliant isn't it. I follow them on Facebook and I love the work they do to address what we're going through.
I have also found a counsellor and will be ringing first thing in the morning. I think this will really help me to deal with where I'm at and help me formulate a plan to take the next few steps. There are so many aspects to this and it has become overwhelming wondering where to begin. I also think that due to me being unable to have HRT, I'm really going to need all the support I can get.
But I made progress with my friend today. She came over and we had a really good chat and she gave me a massive hug and said she just doesn't know sometimes if I need to be on my own or whether I need her to be there. She was really understanding which helped so much. I came across this site which might be useful to others on here. I sent it to her and I think it could be useful for friends or partners to read so they can support us better.
https://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/articles/how-can-i-support-my-friend-going-through-early-menopause.htm
Not sure about the suggestion of taking us out though. It makes us sound like we are on day release from the old people's home! We had a good laugh about it tho 😂
Thanks again for your advice and keep me posted on how you're doing won't you xx
-
SIDLO02
You are a brave and very sorted lady. You'll get through this - you are seeking help and that is the best way to deal with things - the help will be there.
A counsellor is a good idea - I had counselling for a year, back in my mid 30s, when I was starting my peri meno and life was throwing me all kinds of curved balls - it was the best thing I ever did.
Keep us posted. DG x
-
Hi DancingGirl,
Thank you for your kind words. It's hard to feel brave and sorted at present, that part of me feels lost which is hard when I have always relied on those virtues to get me through whatever has been thrown in my direction. But the support from yourself and others on this site is so comforting and empowering. I love it when women come together and support each other to keep going.
I went back to my doctors today and he was really supportive and is referring my for counselling which I think will be really beneficial to me as there has been so much to deal with this past 18 months it's hard to know how to start processing it all and make steps towards moving forwards.
I'll keep you posted xx
-
Hi, you have found the right place here for support, I went through a early menopause at 25 so as you can imagine I had no one Ho understood, even my mum who was early 50's at this point was going through it but sailed through it.
I'm 43 now and still don't have people to talk to unless on here.
I also have ME and lost friends because of this as I couldn't do the things I did before but I think oh well. I'm a good friend to have so there loss.
I did meet my partner nine years ago so this dose help and I can see how you will feel alone but you would not believe the help and advice I've had on this site.
Also if your friends have backed off that's there problem at least you can hold your head high knowing you've always been a good friend.
Anyway just wanted to say your not alone xxxx