Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: dulciana on February 16, 2017, 08:47:59 PM
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Hubby and I have just spent nearly 2.5 hours worrying about our daughter. She had phoned at lunchtime to say things were going wonky at work, and was depressed. Hubby took the call, as I was out. He thought he'd ring her again this evening at about 5.30, to see how she was. No answer. Texted.....no answer. And so it went on and on until ten past eight. We didn't know how she was, where she was, IF she was (in my most scared moments) or anything. I was eventually tearing my hair out and was wondering how I was going to sleep tonight. Hubby and I were starting to imagine all sorts of things. She rang us - eventually, to say her phone was broken and she was using her OH's phone. She'd only just found out we'd been trying to contact her. She was quite cross at our fussing, but all we wanted to know was that she was all right. Our nerves are now in tatters and I've had to have a glass of red wine to calm me down. But I have to ask.......has anyone else had this sort of thing from their daughters/sons? :-\ :-\
In other words, how do people do when their offspring are living a long way from home, a bit vulnerable and with mobile phones taking precedence over land lines? Isn't it natural to worry if you can't make contact with them, especially if you sense they're needing a bit of TLC????
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I don't have children and everyone's relationships with family are different. I take it there are underlying issues which made you worry so much?
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Mobile phones are fantastic for keeping in touch but they cause no end of worry when the person you are calling doesn't answer :-\
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Yes. She's very insecure on a number of counts, nearly50, and living far away from us. Things haven't come together for her yet, in her life. I can't give her a hug when she needs one and she needed one today.
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Mobile phones are fantastic for keeping in touch but they cause no end of worry when the person you are calling doesn't answer :-\
You're so right, Two hoots.
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:bang: :bang: :bang:
I get this from my Mother. She'll moan and groan about stuff leaving me worrying throughout the night, then when I ask how stuff is, "Oh that's sorted". But she NEVER thinks to tell me ........
Now that you and your husband have relaxed ...... I would be cross after such a phone call that a) your daughter hadn't told you that the 'phone was broken :-\ and b) that she hand't given you another number for contact and c) she's a Big Girl now with an OH. Next time ask "How worried do your father and I need to be?"
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Asking 'how worried do we need to be' would make no difference to how worried I would be! My daughter is 24 with a job and a partner, but if I sense she's not happy about something I worry until I can chat to her properly (which isn't always easy as she works shifts, so much of the time we communicate by text). For most parents, it's just what we do. It is hard sometimes when children 'grow up' and leave home - and I genuinely think I will never stop worrying about my daughter. I know my mum still worries about me sometimes, in her more lucid moments.
Dulciana - I'm glad your daughter is ok. I completely understand why you were so worried. Maybe you could gently explain it to your daughter next time you can talk properly (I did it with mine a while ago) - explain to her how much you value the fact she feels she can tell you when she's down, and how important it is to keep that relationship, but also how worried you were when you couldn't contact her. She needs to realise that the fact she CAN tell you when all is not well means you care enough to be worried, and you deserve some consideration too.
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Glad to hear your daughter is ok. Our kids sometimes don't get it. However, no matter their age we cannot stop ourselves from worrying. Until they have kids of their own, then it clicks.
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We have three daughters one who lives in New Zealand , two of my daughters holiday in places that are worrying.
I always go on the " no news is good news " scenario .
If I am worried , I ring them once text once and leave it at that.
Doesn't mean I don't worry the same , but over the years I would of had so many " what if" moments if I had let my mind wonder.
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When my daughter was a baby, I was told that being a parent meant worrying. She was right.
When my children were late home, I had them dead and buried in my mind. When my son struggled at school, I worried. When my daughter was very unhappy at uni, I worried. Now my son lives in the USA and they have 2 feet of snow and much higher where it drifts, l worry because he has to be out and about in it.
My elderly parents worry about me. I find myself irritated, so I understand my children getting irritated with me!
It's our job as parents to worry because that comes with loving and caring. It is difficult for for children to understand that. How about a gentle chat with your daughter explaining that being worried comes with the job of being a loving parent and that when she has need to offload onto you, then it is considerate to let you know how things are later on?
As to mobile phones! Ok if you carry them around, but left in your bag or somewhere you can't hear them, a nightmare and if you haven't a landline........! Trying to get into contact with some of my clients to do with the charity I volunteer with drives me nuts! Many people don't have landlines these days.
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I worry if Himself is late when he's out and about ::) and I think that Mum worries about him but never me, because she knows that he looks after me.
I agree Scampi :thankyou:
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Hi dulciana
I'm hugely sympathetic, we have a similar problem with ours. My son, very like me, openly externalises, offloading all his worries and woes then skips off happy as a sand boy!
Our daughter lives in France and is utterly impossible to get hold of. She has a French phone contract, cheap as chips, which doesn't allow her to ring or text outside of France. To stop herself answering constant Facebook messages she now carries an antiquated phone that doesn't have email or whatsapp, so the only way we can get hold of her is if she checks her emails in the evening. She is like the Scarlet Pimpernel!
We were visiting her last weekend, arrived home on Monday night. Tuesday night we'd just settled down to watch iPlayer when the phone rang. Young female on the phone weeping, sounded like my daughter, "Oh mum I'm so sorry, I need to come home, I'm so sorry mum, I think I've got aids" !!!!! I was desperately trying to calm her down, telling her I'd jump on a train and get out to her, not to worry etc etc then the phone went dead. :o
I rang her phone, engaged: we were running round the house trying to find a way to contact her, calling her boyfriend (engaged!). Suddenly the phone rang again, same girl, now calm, apologising for ringing the wrong number! OMG, the girl got such a grilling, I'd decided that it was a hoax call as there was a bit of giggling in the background and she received the mother of all lectures! At the end I said that if she truly had aids I wished her well and advised her to get home to her parents immediately.
We sat down shell shocked with the adrenaline coursing!
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Good grief, Elizabethrose! Shell-shocking indeed!
Our daughter phoned us his evening, gave her Dad a bollicking (his words) and texted a sharp ticking-off to me for worrying about her. I didn't respond as she would have liked - I just told her that it was a parent thing (text one) and to her second text, I just put four kisses and deliberately not rising to her bait. She had nothing to retort back at and as far as I know, things have settled down for the evening. I can understand that our fussing must have been annoying to her, but she also needs to understand that with such a great distance between us, there are times when we need to know she is okay. However, she's just texted a bit of an olive branch to me, so I think things are settling down. Phew! :)
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Oh ER how awful for you! I'd want to strangle whoever phoned you. Gave you needless worry. Jeez being a parent is stressful enough. You ride through all their highs & lows, no matter their age.
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I've just had a sweet text from her. All is okay again. :-*
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? until the next time ?
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It's really not helpful to think like that, CLKD. In any case, we've agreed a solution to "next time". Family relations are too important to let cynicism get in the way.
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Glad all resolved dulciana, cubagirl is right on so many counts. I don't think they 'get' it and maybe it is impossible to understand until you are a parent. We ride through every experience with them, dipping in to support when needed.
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Glad that you have discussed options if she has further problems :). Communication is important!
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Thanks, everyone.
:thankyou:
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Im afraid i do one of 2 things go off my tree at my son i even told him to find his b...
Or i tell hiscDad to see to h8m. Its always been the same. I say something son goes off
Dad says something abd its yes Dad no Dad 3 bags full Dad he maybe 40.
But to our son his Dad walks on water. In saying that son phones me twice a day 6 days a week. Ive had problems with him. Drinking sex fights bad ones. But we just got through it
I mean in the end unlike me or his Dad he still has us here. Good luck mums x
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I've got her to understand that this is all down to me being anxious and not her being unbalanced (as she seemed to think). She's just phoned to say she'd like to come up for my birthday in three weeks' time. I'm forgiven. :-*
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Dulciana, your anxiety is the normal concern of a loving, caring parent and your daughter is not unbalanced! Stop judging yourselves! You are fine just as you are. In fact, more than fine if you are a Pisces! My birthday is in 2 weeks! Aren't we supposed to be creative, sensitive and empathetic?
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Dulciana ..
You have done great honey.......normal worry for us mum's.
My DD sadly says she doesn't need or want me in her life just now......she's 19 in June....sadly I know it's the drugs she's taking- my door is always ajar but I have to stay whole myself too. I too am a piscean with my birthday on the 12th........
All the best
Woodlands x
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Virtual party? :party09:
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Virtual party? :party09:
Oh yeah, I am 60 in 2 weeks time and our daughter is organising everything, bless her :party09: :cancan: :cake:
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Virtual party? :party09:
Great idea, Ju Ju! Mine's the 11th. :)
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Absolutely........virtual party.
Interesting.....my DD with all her needs got in touch yesterday........her dad and I are both piscean so perhaps it's the month ahead she has me in mind.
Lol as he was my toy boy he is 50 this time and will hate it xxx
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Mines the 8th. Perhaps celebrate the whole month! ;D I've got a pulmonary lung function test in the afternoon and can't shift it :(, so I'm having an official birthday on the 9th! March is party month!
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totally, it is our daughter's birthday, our grandson's and the dog's in March too :ola:
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Until 2001, there were always three birthdays for my family to celebrate on my birthday - mine, my sister's and our grandfather's. Now it's just the two of us, as our g'father died that year aged 97.
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Mine is 13th - I shifted my clinic appointment to following week as I don't want to think about cancer on my birthday ! This time last year I was in throws of planning my 50th and awash with anxiety - this year it's an uncertain future I face but I'm strangely much calmer x
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Facing your own mortality actually releases you to got on with living and enjoying life do you find coldethyl?
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Some days. Others I just want to hide under duvet and wake uo to it all being a bad dream. I think what I'm learning is that it doesn't matter when you die, it's still dying and that I've got to make the most of life in the here and now. My grandad died last year at 96 and until the last few weeks, he certainly didn't want his life to be over - so I'm coming to accept that no time to go is the right time so it's no good thinking that a few more years would be good as it'll never be enough. Just accepting that you are alive today and that is all there is for any of us seems to help x
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Also coldethyl you are living on adrenaline, do be aware that you may get a big dip once you don't have as many appt.s to go to.
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Also coldethyl you are living on adrenaline, do be aware that you may get a big dip once you don't have as many appt.s to go to.
Yes I am aware of that and my psychologist has lined up weekly appointments to discuss strategies for the longer term when you no longer have the safety blanket of contact with the unit much. To be hair I'll be living on my nerves a while longer as I've a minor procedure to remove the filter I have in my vena cava ( I had pulmonary embolisms due to tumour pressing on groin veins) via jugular!!! And then possible ileostomy reversal later in year. I'm taking one day at a time and strength from the inspiring people I have met at unit. X
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OH! do you get to watch :-X ::) ..........
This thread has meandered a lot >whoops< ..........
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OH! do you get to watch :-X ::) ..........
This thread has meandered a lot >whoops< ..........
I hope not .. It was bad enough when it went in via groin and they were shouting out numbers and stuff to each other. Nurse said my pulse was amazing as it went from over 90 to 70 in a few seconds once they said procedure done!!
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Did you grip the Nurse's hand hard?
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Did you grip the Nurse's hand hard?
no one held my hand!! all too busy with their scanners and scalpels.
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::)
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Did you grip the Nurse's hand hard?
no one held my hand!! all too busy with their scanners and scalpels.
I read this as spanners and screwdrivers! My mind has gone on holiday...... :o
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Did you grip the Nurse's hand hard?
no one held my hand!! all too busy with their scanners and scalpels.
I read this as spanners and screwdrivers! My mind has gone on holiday...... :o
Possibly used them too!!!
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:rofl: