Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: bramble on January 16, 2017, 03:24:14 PM
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Have any of you girls done any forward planning for your eventual demise? Thinking of POAs, wills, funeral plans, financial planning etc?
Events in my recent life have made me more aware than ever about this so I am just starting to 'get my affairs in order', starting with an appointment with a financial adviser. I suppose it is best to be prepared..............but not something I really want to do.
Bramble
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YEP! In the 1970s I began wearing an SOS bracelet as I want to be a donor, the NHS can have every part of me that can be used. MinL thought me very morbid ;D
We are at this moment in time trying to contact our Solicitor who is in the process: I hope : of updating our Wills. However, I took paper work into his Office at the end of Sept. and have heard nowt since >:(. I rang twice today but there is no answer!!!
I am also putting details on the family photos as we don't have children, so no one once Mum dies will know who anyone is. Although not essential for the family, for social history or those who collect costume/fashion memorabilia, I think it's important to know who they are and where they lived.
Same with pictures/prints/photos around the house: I have begun making a list of who I want each one to go to ....... jewellery the same, odds and sods will be sold via a local Auction, named in our Wills. I have a large collection of valuable 'stuff' which needs placing correctly. It all keeps me awake in the early hours :(
I am enjoying it! Our Financial Advisor visits here annually .... he's done us well for 6 years!
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Yep we've set up our finances & our wills. I'm currently writing about important parts of our lives in a notebook.
Haven't done anything with jewellery though. I have heaps of junk stuff, but do have some good stuff which I haven't earmarked. The reason for this is my mum had stuff earmarked for me, but when the time came the stuff had all gone awol. Apparently she thought she was broke & sold some stuff. She suffered with Alzheimer's, so didn't know what she was doing. I did get her gold bangle which she got from my father on my birth, but there was an antique necklace which vanished. She may also have hidden stuff and whoever bought the house may have found some 'treasure.
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Got a will and all my bank details written with it. Told my family I want a direct cremation and told them where to take the ashes - I don't want a funeral and don't believe they help the close family at all.
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Burial at sea?
I find funerals places to catch up on people rarely seen ::) and if I feel unable to go into the Service, I take photos of the flowers sent in memory.
Mum wants the Full Works ::) whereas we are opting for cremation with a celebrant rather than a Religious Service. I want those who can't attend to buy a gift for the person they love on the day of my Service ......... ;)
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Having worked in the funeral profession I can honestly say that the funeral is often helpful, however it does not have to be a huge affair, just a way of saying goodbye to a loved one.
I have seen everything from the full works with horse drawn hearse and carved lead lined casket to a simple woodland burial in a wicker coffin. Each one was what the family wanted as a tribute to their relative or friend.
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Currently battling with my uncooperative 86 year old father who won't acknowledge the importance of me having PoA, financial and health - in spite of fact that he had a stroke last year, then another mini stroke and is in poor health.
It has made me realise how important it is to get 'things in order'. Prefer the practical option of direct cremation - it's ridiculous how the cost of funerals is going up and I absolutely HATE funerals too, never understand how they are 'helpful' to those left behind. My Mum's funeral was absolutely awful - my Dad's side of the family used it as an opportunity for a big (rowdy, upbeat) get together - an observer would have had no idea it was a wake in Mum's memory, they didn't even mention her. Just Awful. I was livid for days.
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Got all our paperwork in place. Don't need a financial adviser (no money!). Don't have any valuable pictures, furniture, ornaments or jewellery as 'things' like that have never held any interest to me, I like to travel extralight! It should be very simple when I pass on, just bag everything up and deposit it at the nearest charity shop.
Interesting about you not wanting a funeral nearly50. Not something I knew was possible .... but when I think of it, I absolutely HATE funerals and have never ever found one to be helpful. As the day approaches the knot in my stomach grows bigger - its an act of sheer endurance to get through the day I've found. When someone really close to you dies, you cry it out for days anyway, then when you're just beginning to see the light a little you've got the ruddy funeral to get through, not to mention all the work in getting it organised and the money it costs. I'm off to google 'direct cremation'!
I hate them too, they are just days to get through when it is someone close. I didn't know it was an option either until I heard of someone doing the same.My family will have a private ceremony on the beach and dig a hole for my ashes. When I think about it, it'll be the place shown in my avatar. So they'll still have the chance to say goodbye, just not with all formaility of a crematorium and funeral directors.
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sounds like 'competitive funerals', SJ. Awful.
nearly50 - your option of private ceremony on the beach sounds lovely.
[Off topic here - David Bowie had direct cremation.]
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I have opted for straight cremation after the NHS has taken as many bits of me that are viable, no service and then my ashes to get buried in a woodland with a couple of family mementoes (no-one to leave them to) and marked by a small stone tablet. Sorted. That's the easy part.
B
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bramble - would you consider visiting a stone mason to get your stone sooner, so that you can enjoy it?
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Yes, wills done and kids have POAs for us, set up when we went travelling. My sister died at age 50, which spurred us on to travel for 6 months (camping!), instead of putting it off till tomorrow when we could afford to do it. Glad we did, with all the health issues I've been having.
My father has bought a funeral plan for himself, so if he dies before Mum, she and I won't have too much hassle.
Does direct cremation mean no service even at the crematorium?
I would leave it to those left behind as whether they want a service or not. After all, they know better than me what they need. However, I would want my ashes scattered along my favourite walk, where I connect to the peace and beauty of the countryside.
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I don't want a 'service' as such but people to sit and contemplate whilst listening to music of my choice .... I want to go 'out' with the Dawn Chorus :)
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I have never heard of a direct cremation. Thank you, I will look it up.
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I'm not having a service of any description at any point. Perhaps a lone piper when my ashes get buried but that is it.
B
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One only gets 30 mins. at the crem anyway, unless 1 pays a lot more ::)
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I wrote a plan for my funeral when I was in my early 30s - partly because I lost a close friend at that age which reminded me that we don't all necessarily make it to threescore and ten and partly because my grandmother worked herself into such a state worrying what my grandfather 'would have wanted'. I get it out and update it every 5 years or so, but at the top, I've written that these are just my suggestions and whoever is left behind is free to totally ignore if he/she wishes!
I'm obviously an odd one out here, because I find funerals helpful although painful. I always struggle to accept someone has gone, and somehow seeing the coffin makes it sink in. Also, you often find out things at the funeral that you wouldn't otherwise have known about someone - we asked a young man from my dad's church to do a reading at the service, and just before he started reading, he said 'I hope you don't mind if I share my own memory' and spoke for a few minutes about how much dad had helped and encouraged him when he was going through a really tough time and how he would never forget the support & advice dad had given him - we had no idea dad had been so significant in his life & it was something we would probably never have found out without the funeral.
For my dad's funeral, we had the cremation first followed by a service of thanksgiving. A few people were shocked that we did it the 'wrong way round', but I felt it was so much better, as we got the really horrible part out of the way first and could then focus on the good memories. It also felt much less disjointed moving straight from the service into the tea & nibbles part, instead of having people hanging round waiting for close family to come back from the crematorium/graveyard. I've been to a few funerals since then that had it that way round, so obviously we can't be the only ones who think that way.
I hated the 'social' part after, but that was mostly because I got stuck talking to a load of people who didn't know me or my dad that well and just wanted to talk about themselves & their own bereavements - if I could have spent the time with just our old family friends, it would have been more helpful.
I can understand finding funerals pointless if they are full of people who weren't that connected to the person in their lifetime, but most of the ones I've been to have been full of people who genuinely cared. I had an 'adopted' auntie (no relation, but she was my grandma's best friend, so I always called her auntie) who died at 93, and I found it incredibly moving to go to a service with over 100 people of all ages gathering together to celebrate her life.
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Mum has told me that she wants her Service the 'right' way round ::) as she knows that not many of her contemporaries will be able to make it to the crem but would get to the Church (or Chapel, she attends both each week :D).
We have certainly found out a lot about relatives that we were never told whilst growing up. As for dress code, anyone who wears black to my Service, I will haunt them afterwards ;). Despite depression I try to be upbeat and see something nice every day, so please wear bright colours !!!
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I wanted to buy a funeral plan, but my family were horrified, hubby included. They know I dislike fuss, but say that it is their responsibility to make sure I am sent off decently. I have left it at that. Hence my notebook, which states my preferences. Not sure I like the sound of direct cremation though, but will read up on it more.
Hubby & I did see one thing which did appeal, but no idea as to cost. You are buried in a pod, not a coffin, on land where a tree or trees can be planted above you. The pod seemed a bit gross to start with, but made sense, pod decomposes over time in a natural fashion & in effect you are feeding the tree above you. At least that's how we understand it.
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Maybe have a talk with a Funeral Director or go along to a Natural Burial Site and ask the question? I want cremation because it takes up less space, a tree can still be planted but it might not live anyway and we have no relatives that would visit to put flowers on - which the rabbits would probably eat ::).
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Did a quick GOOGLE, as you do:
List of Natural Burial Grounds
The world of natural burial is very varied, and largely unregulated, but those sites that belong to the Association of Natural Burial Grounds are all bound by our Code of Conduct, aimed at ensuring the highest professional and environmental standards.
In acknowledgement of this, the Natural Death Centre runs The People's Awards for the best Natural Burial Ground in the UK, celebrating the personal attention to detail and support given by the staff at natural burial grounds, which makes such a difference to bereaved families.
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In theory Ju Ju leaving it to those left behind might sound a good idea ... but in reality can you imagine the squabbles it might trigger? Better to make your wishes known to your next of kin I think.
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P :) No, I can't imagine them squabbling! We are a close knit family and support each other.
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Oh mine will squabble - I'll be watching though ;) ;D
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Hi Cubagirl. A natural burial site is the one I have chosen. The choice is in grassland, on a bank with a view of the river or in a wood. All in the same burial site. You are only allowed a tablet made of local or river stone in the woodland bit. Either a burial or ashes, casket your choice and wicker ones would be more natural for a burial. Quite an interesting topic really.
B.
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Hubby went to a funeral where deceased was in a wicker coffin & placed out in the countryside. He couldn't get his head around it at first, but says it makes sense.
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cubagirl that is my wish and how it is done at our local woodland burial site. I have been to 2 funerals conducted there, the parents of a family friend, and they were lovely way to say goodbye.
This is a fact and does not represent my opinion, families of the deceased who come to the funeral home with their loved ones wishes clear, or written down do far better than those whose loved ones have passed (usually suddenly) with no idea of their final wishes. They don't necessarily squabble but they are at a loss to decide simple things like music, flowers, donations, sometimes even cremation or burial whilst processing their loss. It is just a fact I have seen from my experience working with the funeral profession and many times I have heard the words "what do you think he/she would have liked".
Being able to execute their loved ones final wishes is the last thing they can do for them and it does help.
As I said, fact and not my personal opinion.
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Do make sure that you aren't required to pay for the memorial tablet annually! Apparently this happens at our local Crem..
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I don't want a funeral service myself. I didn't realise this was even an option until I read somewhere about direct cremation. However, I realise the funeral is for the living so when I get round to making an advance directive, I will just state my preference but leave the final decision to family in case they are unhappy with it.
My mother in law, who has pre paid for her funeral, told us a story of an elderly friend who decided to enjoy his funeral while still alive. He arranged a party where he dressed first as a hospital patient, danced around for a while before disappearing and reappearing dressed as an undertaker. Bit more dancing around before disappearing again and reappearing dressed as an angel. A good time was had by all 😁
Ariadne xx
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I know of someone who had a coffin made to use as a coffee table ::) - until the time came.
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My dad didn't pre-plan his funeral as he always said funerals were for those left behind and he didn't want to impose his views on anyone else. I wondered what on earth would happen as Mum & I are very different and don't have much common ground, but the weird thing was, I'd say 'what about this' and she'd say 'oh, yes, I was just thinking that' and then she'd say 'I thought of this' and I'd say 'so did I'!!! Readings, hymns, order of service, we thought alike on everything. And funnily enough, there was one reading and one hymn which were special to us as a family, but not widely known, yet 2 people quoted the reading in sympathy cards and three people quoted the hymn...before anyone other than me and mum knew that was what we had chosen. It was a lovely confirmation that we'd chosen right for dad.
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A sense of closure?
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Funerals are closure for those left behind. However, my only stipulation will be that it isn't a religious ceremony. Having been at humanist funeral recently, it was much more personal. When both my in-laws passed, the minister doing each service hadn't a clue about them. Kept calling my MIL by wrong name, I nearly shouted out in frustration. I behaved myself though.
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Funerals are closure for those left behind. However, my only stipulation will be that it isn't a religious ceremony. Having been at humanist funeral recently, it was much more personal. When both my in-laws passed, the minister doing each service hadn't a clue about them. Kept calling my MIL by wrong name, I nearly shouted out in frustration. I behaved myself though.
I think that probably depends more on the people taking the service than whether it is humanist or religious. I've been to some church funerals where the minister had never met the deceased person - they'd never been interested in faith in their lives but wanted (or else their families wanted) a church funeral. But I've been to others where the deceased person was a very active part of the church, and it really did feel like the church was their 'family' saying goodbye. Any service, whether humanist or secular, that is taken by someone who didn't know the person is always going to feel impersonal compared to one taken by someone who was a friend. I can understand that some people find it too hard to speak at their loved ones funeral, but I think it is important to try to make sure that the people who take part really knew the person.
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Most Churches/Chapels have long-term lay people who can take Services so when a Vicar hasn't been in a Parish for long enough to know much about the person being remembered, then the lay reader can act for the family.
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The thing I find really odd is when someone will have nothing to do with a particular religious denomination during their lifetime, but want a funeral conducted by that religion and then the family complains that it's not personal enough - I worked for a couple where the husband was an atheist, refused to set foot in the church and refused to allow the vicar into his house. But he left instructions for a service to be held in the parish church! I thought the vicar did incredibly well, taking a service for someone who had refused to ever have a conversation with him, but it can't have been easy! And then the widow was complaining that the vicar was too impersonal...
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...... sometimes people clutch at straws towards the end ::).
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Most Vicars are non-judgemental and would see if as drawing another Member into the folds of the Church as well as it being helpful for the family left behind.
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The vicar in this case didn't have an issue with taking the service - I just felt it was unfair for the family of the deceased man to complain that the vicar didn't know him well enough, when the deceased had refused to speak to the vicar during his lifetime! You can't have it both ways!
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Guess so. Who'd be a vicar?!!!
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Vicars don't have to accept a Service either, especially if the deceased hasn't stepped foot inside the Church/Chapel. It's only in recent years that one had to be a regular 'goer' in order to be considered for marriage and burial. One couldn't be married if one hadn't been Confirmed as well as attending to hear The Banns read - a friend went on my behalf ::)
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The vicar in this case didn't have an issue with taking the service - I just felt it was unfair for the family of the deceased man to complain that the vicar didn't know him well enough, when the deceased had refused to speak to the vicar during his lifetime! You can't have it both ways!
Didn't the family speak to the vicar beforehand to tell him what to say? Think things must be different where I'm from as ceremonies take place in the crematorium rather than a church.
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That's a personal choice. Some people go straight to the Crem., short service and away, others have the Crem. Service then go back to eat and drink ........ in busy areas it can be about fitting it all in to a time scale ::)
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That's a personal choice. Some people go straight to the Crem., short service and away, others have the Crem. Service then go back to eat and drink ........ in busy areas it can be about fitting it all in to a time scale ::)
Ours might have something in the house but that's a bit old fashioned now, then the crematorium service, then a purvey (another good Scottish word) which used to be a full meal of steak pie but is now more likely to similar to afternoon tea. It is a bit of a production line at the crematorium with half hour services.
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..... ah the saying of words over the coffin in the Parlour? that room only used 'for best' ::)
Not for me I'm afraid, too much dust around .........