Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: dulciana on November 16, 2016, 02:39:58 PM
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My hubby retired five days ago and although I love him very much, having him around all the time (when I'm at home) is affecting my concentration and general "on-the-ball"-ness. I'm still working and it's causing me to slip up! Has anybody else found this, or similar?
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Dulciana
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My hubby retired a number of years ago, then went to Uni for a third time. Guess I have got used to him being in the house, though not necessarily under my feet. Hasn't really put me off my stride.
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My hubby retired five days ago and although I love him very much, having him around all the time (when I'm at home) is affecting my concentration and general "on-the-ball"-ness. I'm still working and it's causing me to slip up! Has anybody else found this, or similar?
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Dulciana
I hear this all the time from friends Dulciana! ;). I think it's very common. We all get used to our own space don't we? I'm a bit like that TBH. HUbby still works but is self employed so pops in and out all the time. To use the loo, to collect parts, to sit and do paperwork between jobs etc. It just throws me.
He announced yesterday that he IS going to retire in 18 months time. I know he needs to because he is worn out but it will be really odd having someone else in the house all the time.
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DH has his office, which was a bedroom, which is very much his space. He does his things and I do mine, then we do stuff together. It did take some adjustment, but retirement was a huge relief, as he had been under tremendous stress at work. He had to heal first and was unable to do what he had planned initially. In the end, we went travelling round the world for 6 months on a shoe string, which really helped. I watched his shoulders relax and his hair grow as the months went by. It does take time to adjust and do not expect too much. Going away worked for us. It was like putting a line under the past and helped as a spring board into the future.
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My husband finished work three years ago and in the beginning it was very difficult to adjust to but now he has developed his own interests and is no longer there every time I turn round.
We do things together and we do things separately. We each have our own space and respect each other. this way it is lovely when we do things together like watching a TV programme, going out for coffee or looking after the grandchildren. He also likes travelling and I don't, so he visits relatives regularly and so we each get some time to ourselves too.
It is a big transition, a real 'change of life' and it takes work and effort to reshape your lives together once work is no longer in the equasion. You will adjust, be patient and take your time.
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When you've worked for a long time and suddenly stop it takes a while to adjust.
I retired about 18 months ago after working full time for 40 years. I didn't have kids so never even took time out for that. The first couple of months were really hard and I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. I even considered looking for another job.
I did adjust though and now I love it. So just give it time and be patient with him. It's probably harder for him than it is for you.
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Hi Dulciana,
My husband retired when I went Ill and yes I really struggle at times. I'm used to the house and garden being my domain but now he is sort of taking over and telling me how I've been doing things wrong all these years lol. It does have its advantages though and I think we are slowly adjusting. He is messy though and I'm fed up of picking up after him - I could go on lol.
It does take time, he's worked for 44 years and is used to being a boss for much of that time. He's learning though 😃😃
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I was made redundant last month aged 62 and wasn't sure whether to look for another job or not. I had been there 20 years, part time 24 hours a week, Fridays off. Lovely hours and lovely colleagues but business relocated to Wales.
At first I was looking forward to "me time" but felt a bit guilty for some reason. That I wasn't earning any money and that my husband was still working. I found plenty to do at home but wrong time of year for enjoying the garden and allotment. I'm not a very outgoing person and realised I could easily become isolated.
I decided to sign on for Jobseekers as I was so cross that I can't get my state pension for another four years. I would only get a maximum of 6 months benefit as my husbands earnings would be taken into account after that, but I wanted to get some money for as long as I could.
I had to apply for jobs of course and was only asked to one interview and when I walked out afterwards I thought "I would love that job" Well to my surprise I got it! I start next week, less hours than before but more money. For one year as its just for maternity cover but could become permanent. Very small office and lovely ladies who interviewed me.
I was excited at first but now I'm not sure if I jumped into it too quickly, not giving myself time to adjust to being at home. Still, it's only for a year and gets me a bit nearer to my state pension age and means I don't have to spend my redundancy money.
So I had just a brief experience of being retired and gave it up perhaps a little too quickly😁
Ariadne xx
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That sounds great Ariadne. I miss my job although I did struggle because of health issues. It provided structure and discipline in my life. I liked chatting to my colleagues and my job involved healing people which I loved. I don't think I'm well enough to work now and my days have been filled by other things, some times I do think I would like to work again, maybe 10-15 hours a week, just enough to get me out, go for it! Good luckxx
Another thing that occurred to me Dulciana is my husband is now obsessed with rituals, the morning paper when I can't speak to him for hours, so annoying. His lunch of crackers and smelly cheese, gross - plus leaves a trail of crumbs - he'd never get lost in a forest! Plus he sees all my online shopping lol - not that he cares, I can buy what I like but he always has to comment! And if I get a bit of an energy spurt and want to give the living room a bit clean, he moans because whereas before I could do it myself, I now need his help. We just don't seem to agree on anything somedays, he says black and I say white!
Takes a bit of getting used to this retirement lark 🤔
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Takes a bit of getting used to this retirement lark 🤔
I'll bet. I can well imagine how difficult it must be, both rattling around at home getting in each others way until a routine is established. Hard to lose that structure to your day after years at work.
Ariadne xx
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I was excited at first but now I'm not sure if I jumped into it too quickly, not giving myself time to adjust to being at home. Still, it's only for a year and gets me a bit nearer to my state pension age and means I don't have to spend my redundancy money.
So I had just a brief experience of being retired and gave it up perhaps a little too quickly😁
Ariadne xx
Take it from me, you do need to give it time. As I posted above, I really struggled and became quite depressed. I initially told myself I would give it until the end of last year (roughly 8 months) and if I still wasn't happy I would look for a new job. I didn't really want to do that though because I felt I would only be delaying my inevitable retirement depression anyway. So the next option was to change my mindset and do things to make sure I did adjust.
So I put myself out there, joined some groups (including Meetup.com) and made some lovely new friends. Now when people ask me what I do for a job, I say "social butterfly" because that's exactly what I've become. Monday to Friday is now my "socialising time" and weekends are for catching up with things at home. I love my new life and I wouldn't even consider looking for a new job now.
I guess I have the advantage of being single and not having to content with a cranky husband, but on the flip side it can get very quiet if I'm home on my own too much, which is why I love my new social life. My friends and I have managed to solve all the world's problems over coffee. Just put us in charge and we'll whip all these men into shape. :whip: ;D
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"Social Butterfly".... I love that Dana😁
Ariadne xx
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Himself has taken over the hoovery-thingy without me pushing him towards it ;). He does round while I listen to Mum on a Monday morning when she 'phones. We have hobbies together as well as him having his own stuff to do.
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DH hoovered yesterday. Time to celebrate. Mustn't moan. He's been a rock today
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Yes, mine has certainly become a bit more hands-on in the house. He's said he wants me to teach him to iron, too.......I think I'll let that one quietly drop, as I think the finniki-ness of it would annoy him a lot. He was rather shell-shocked over the weekend after what he called "all the adulation" from his colleagues who were losing him, but now that he's been retired for a full week, he's picked up again. We've also agreed that when I need to practise, he goes and works in his study - that helps, as I was used to no interruptions at these times, apart from the phone. The most important thing is that he's got plenty to do. :)
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Oh he can do our ironing ;D - I did 3 shirts last week as I HAD to, we were going 'posh' ::). The 1st time that the iron has been used for over 12 months ………..
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DH used to only iron the bits of his shirt that showed when he was a policeman. The annoying thing is he looked smart.
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OK until 1 has to remove jacket :D
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Mine has always done his own ironing since he retired, and I do mine :)
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Mine wouldn't know how to switch it on ;D
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DH took half an hour to iron 1 shirt.
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How did it look after?
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When mine puts a shirt on the ironing board for me to iron (note!::) ) the ironing board usually goes the wrong way round and the shirt hangs by its collar from the end. That doesn't bode at all well!
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I have always been aware that, should anything happen to me first, my husband should not be clueless as to how to look after himself. So he can put on a load of washing, iron, use the vacuum cleaner and cook basic meals although he doesn't like cooking. He is also a dab hand at washing up.
His mother did everything for him, wouldn't even allow him to make himself a drink so he didn't know anything domestic when we married. I always refused to 'mother him' and he had to learn independence for his own good.
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Just a word or caution ladies - don't let your man take over too much. In my parents' case when Dad was working Mum did everything - maintenance around the house, budgeting, paying the bills, cooking, everything. All Dad did was put his pay packet on the table on Friday night and the mowing on the weekend.
When he retired he slowly started doing more around the house and we all thought this was great because he was being actively involved and not still leaving everything to Mum. He started doing the housework and cooking, all the banking and paying bills etc. Mum never drove a car so instead of her using buses, trains etc, she now became reliant on Dad to take her everywhere in the car.
Fast forward about 20 years and Dad became very ill and eventually died, but Mum had gotten so used to Dad doing so much that she had absolutely no idea how to even go to the bank to draw out her pension, and she was too scared to do her grocery shopping on her own. She didn't even know what medication to take and when to take it because Dad knew what she took and would put them out for her to take. She wasn't suffering any dementia or any ill health, she had just totally lost all independence. I had to end up taking over doing all the things that Dad used to do. So make sure you keep your independence as long as possible.
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Same problem with my parents Dana - my mother 'enjoys' ill health, so when Dad retired, she gradually became 'unable' to cope with one thing after another. Dad died 3 years ago, and she is now unable to cope with the things that she used to do before his retirement.
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Yes, and it's more likely to be women who will have to suffer this loss of independence because we live longer than men. It's great if men help out around the house, but some men also like to take control. When they give up work they usually need to find a new "project" and if that means a woman becoming too reliant on that control, that is not a good thing.
I know this will never happen to me because I've never relied on a man for anything. If I don't do something it doesn't get done, but when you've been in a relationship for a long time, it can happen very easily. Make sure that if you need to you are always able to pay bills, go shopping, maintain your finances etc without anyone's help.
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With my parents, it wasn't Dad trying to control things, it was mum being determined to get what she wanted, saying she couldn't cope with doing whatever (basically, anything she didn't enjoy doing) so Dad, being kind-hearted, would end up doing it for her. Not sure if he ever realised how odd it was that someone who didn't have the energy to shop for food could shop endlessly for clothes or that someone who couldn't manage to cook dinner was always able to go out for coffee...
Something I still find difficult to deal with. He worked so hard all his life and yet was denied so much pleasure in his retirement because of her demands. And I do wonder if he would have lived longer if he hadn't had so much to deal with.
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'anything for a quiet Life' maybe? We forget that they had a Life B4 we arrived ::) and what seems 'bad habits' to us may well be engrained or done because there is a love/acceptance of their roles that we don't notice.
We are so busy now we haven't picked up half the hobbies we had talked about doing ;D
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My mum cannot do a lot. She used to do the house and garden and Dad the car and DIY. Now she tells dad what to do, which is OK until she was in hospital and I saw what he was eating. I had to give him a quick lesson on food groups and how important it is to include protein. Bear in mind, my dad was a scientist..... I think I was as shocked as I was as a child when I discovered he didn't know anything about the wives of Henry 8th, as I though he knew everything until then.
Losing confidence is very common after losing a partner, regardless of how competent you are before, so it's wise to know the basics of what the other does. I now do the filing and DH pays the bills. I have a good idea of what us what and know where everything is.