Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Stillsearching on September 22, 2016, 10:28:31 AM
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My menopause came quite late, not sure when because I was still having really heavy painful periods at 55 which a Mirena coil eventually sorted out and I added oestrogen later. Now I'm coming off and learning more about my body I thought it would be a good idea to share some of this with my daughter. My mum never spoke about ANY women's issues so periods and babies were all a total surprise to me. I have no idea what her experience of menopause was like and she is no longer with me for me to ask.
My daughter was horrified which surprised me because we talk about all kinds of stuff. TMI she said. And "I've got years to go and you'll still be around to tell me" The thing is, if hers comes as late as mine then I'll be 90 and probably not still around. I know treatments will change but symptoms will still be the same in 30 years. I'm thinking of just printing off the 'Advice to husbands' on this site and leaving it for her in my will ;D
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My mum didnt disclose detaild of hers either and Like you my mum isn't alive to ask
I remember her having hot flushes, which I've never had, and looking back she must've had VA too as she was upset at mine one day explaining how painful sex was. When she was dying a nurse took me to one side and said she had the worst total prolapse she'd ever seen
My daughter is 29 and I'm about to turn 50 and she said to speak to her about it when her time comes, I'm very open with her but I understand it's hard to take in and sympathise when it's not you going through it X
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Recently I gave my neighbour a nicely written book that I picked up in a Charity shop. She was horrified that at 46 she might be headed that way, she almost seemed scared. Whether she *will* read it :-\. but as I explained, if she is aware of the changes her body might go through she can ask the 'right' questions. We share the same GP so she should be OK there.
I remember my Mum having crashing fatigue, she would sit down and fall asleep really suddenly. But it was never discussed as I had by then left there.
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I have a,son and he knows all about the menopause at age 17 he has seen me everyday for the past six years and howbi have struggled with hot flushes, no sleep, fatigue, emotions all over , I have been up front and honest with him and he has taken it all in his stride, he will say ' have a hug ' . I hope I would have been the same with a daughter and i hope my sons knowledge will help him help his (future) wife
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I suppose if my children were still at home they'd be witnessing it too but both are in their 30's and flew the nest years ago. My daughter is in the forces so we hardly ever see her. :-\
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My mum did explain things to me when she was going through horrible symptoms - constant hot sweats, irritability, panic etc. She was 51 and I was 16. I had no sympathy whatsoever for her I'm afraid, even though we were very close and she was a brilliant mum. I really didn't want to know and I think that many teenagers wouldn't want to know either. One thing she hated was putting on weight and at the age of 53 (I was 18) she was moaning that she looked dreadful in whatever she wore I remember thinking "Mum you're 53 - whose going to be looking at you anyway??" One night when I'd brought a boyfriend home only to find her sitting in just her petticoat on the sofa, fanning her face with a magazine, I was SO embarrassed but she looked at me and said "Your time will come young lady" and boy was she right!!
I really think that if we did tell our daughters then they wouldn't see it as relevant to them anyway. It's too far ahead for them to worry about it.
Taz x :-\
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My mum did explain things to me when she was going through horrible symptoms - constant hot sweats, irritability, panic etc. She was 51 and I was 16. I had no sympathy whatsoever for her I'm afraid, even though we were very close and she was a brilliant mum. I really didn't want to know and I think that many teenagers wouldn't want to know either. One thing she hated was putting on weight and at the age of 53 (I was 18) she was moaning that she looked dreadful in whatever she wore I remember thinking "Mum you're 53 - whose going to be looking at you anyway??" One night when I'd brought a boyfriend home only to find her sitting in just her petticoat on the sofa, fanning her face with a magazine, I was SO embarrassed but she looked at me and said "Your time will come young lady" and boy was she right!!
I really think that if we did tell our daughters then they wouldn't see it as relevant to them anyway. It's too far ahead for them to worry about it.
Taz x :-\
Very much the same with me
I was 16 when my mums seemed to start, she was 52. I remember her hot flushes, and mood changes, I was late going through puberty (15/16) so it was the only time in our relatively short time together we clashed (I had just turned 36 when she passed suddenly)
I couldn't take in what she was saying about the symptoms plus she never went to doc and turned to drink :-(. I couldn't understand how alcohol could help but although (so far) I've relied on oestrogen hrt it's not helping I can see how drinking blotted it all out for her, bless her
X
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Same for me! I had very little sympathy I'm afraid. I do remember her going to the male GP at age 48 about menopausal symptoms including hot flushes, but her being sent away after being told that the menopause didn't start start until after the age of 50! We have come some way since then at least.
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We've come some way JuJu but not far enough judgng by the experiences being repeated over and over on this forum. Everyone knows about hot flushes and mood swings but there is so much more we suffer from that without this forum i wouldn't have connected to menopause.
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My Mum had a horrific time. She had a radical hysterectomy at the age of 42 due to cancer. I was only 8 when this all started for her. Sadly, we lost her when I was 19 so I don't have my Mum to speak to for advice and support going through my own surgically induced menopause. :'(
Luckily I have a son, so he won't have to face this or women's problems but I'll make sure he is supportive of his girlfriend or wife!
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I'm sorry Tempest that was too young to lose your mum.
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Thank you, Stillsearching.
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I constantly tell my daughter if there is something i am going through relating to the menopause, she is 35, i have told her she needs to be aware of what it can be like so she can cope and not worry like i have. My mother died when i was 35, she was 66 and i can never remember her saying anything about the menopause, as far as i am concerned she sailed through it or hid it well. I asked my older sister if she had had any problems and all she experienced was some hot flushes.
I can remember a couisn going through a rough time and never being away from the Dr's, looking back this could have been menopause related as she had bad heath anxiety. I will never know as she is also dead.
I feel my daughters generation will be more clued up on the menopause as it is openly discussed now and not so much of a secret never to be talked about.
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I have talked to my daughter about it and will tell her more as time goes on. I'm 55 and having a terrible time with my menopause. My own mother was very unhelpful and said she sailed through hers. I dont think she did it was just another put down for me! My own GP was concerned her remarks were destructive and more what you would hear from her mothers generation ( my grandmother)
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DebJ, my mother was the same, she didn't have hot flushes or night sweats and thinks she sailed through the menopause but she didn't really. The initial symptoms are the thin end of a very big wedge and nobody knows how well their bodies have coped without oestrogen until they have been deprived of it for many years by which time, it's too late to do anything about it. My mother has not had a full night's sleep for well over 30 years (this started as soon as her periods stopped), developed high blood pressure and dreadful digestive problems a couple of years post menopause, has had two hip replacements and now has curvature of the spine. Her cognitive skills have been dubious for years but that could partly be due to old age. My parents are the same age but my father has fared better than her at every level which could be significant.
I have never discussed my menopause experience with my mother and I don't suppose she knows that I am post menopause although she might have guessed because I am now 55. I've tried to warn my younger sister but she is in denial.
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I have 5 daughters and I've been really transparent with all of them. Once I realized it was perimenopause and that I wasn't going insane, I talked with all of them. They've seen me really struggle this past year with sudden anxiety and terrible panic. They've all loved me through it and been there for me. I really hope they don't suffer this way but I know that probably won't be the case. I'm following my mom to a T!
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My three daughters are fully aware of VA , as mine is pretty bad and would hate them to suffer in the same way , so hope for warned is for armed.
They have asked me to write down what has helped me , and are definitely not burying there heads in the sand.
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I have 5 daughters and I've been really transparent with all of them. Once I realized it was perimenopause and that I wasn't going insane, I talked with all of them. They've seen me really struggle this past year with sudden anxiety and terrible panic. They've all loved me through it and been there for me. I really hope they don't suffer this way but I know that probably won't be the case. I'm following my mom to a T!
Hi Jenn-9
Taz x :welcomemm:
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Thanks for the welcome! I'm across the ocean in Canada! I don't feel new here at all..I've been reading and following for a year now. It's really nice to see how you ladies all get on in the UK compared to us Canadian lot. Makes me feel connected, even if it's all this meno business that does it :)
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My mum was about 50 when I noticed the flushes and I would laugh at how red her face went I was only 15, also noticed she would fly off the handle a lot which was not like her. She did not suffer it tho she went to the docs and was put on prempak c, this was 30 years ago. The change in her on hrt was amazing she was much more confident and happy this is why I'm not afraid of hrt as my mum really benefited from it. The hrt was enough for her she never had va. I thought I would be about the same age when I went into it but I was 41 and sadly my mum died when I was 26. I have no children but I do have a niece who is just turning 12 and has had her periods for 6 months she already knows I am on hrt as we were all on holiday and I had to put my gel on and I explained to her why and told her one day she may need it...she just said oh great and laughed. I don't see it as something to hide my nephew was with us to he's 14 and didn't bother either. I would tell them if they gave me cheek I'd get my gel and put it on them...as a joke...and make him more feminine, they would just laugh as they know I'm a dafty and wouldn't. In no way have I hid anything and if this helps them in their futures then that's a good thing xx
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Love your attitude keepgoing its exactly my approach with my son I have always been the same with him I never hid my tampons etc and explained things to him in terms he could grasp for his age. He asked why I was at hospital on Tuesday and I openly told him why without the graphic details of course !
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Hi ladies :)
Very interesting thread as my daughter is 12 and although she hasn't started her periods yet, she is certainly having the hormonal swings! We are very close and when I started feeling really rough a couple of years ago - dreadful anxiety, feeling 'spaced out' - and realised that it must be the start of the menopause, I did explain to her what was going on and that it would pass. (Those symptoms thankfully have got much better although can't say the same for the physical ones! >:( ) I said to her then that when her hormones started changing, she might feel a bit strange sometimes or have funny moods and that I would always understand as I know what games hormones can play. I was appalled by the thought of adolescence and menopause under one roof ('fireworks every day' as my best friend put it ??? ) but in fact, I think it has helped me to sympathise with my daughter when she feels upset/angry/'weird', as I know exactly what she means!
My mother never discussed the menopause or even mentioned it to me until I started mine and then her comments were along the lines of 'I never had all these problems with mine, you must be very unlucky' (very comforting, thanks ;D ). When I mentioned this to my very nice female GP, she made a rather dismissive noise and said she's sure older women just forget all the horrible symptoms they had! Mind you, my mother didn't do the 'period talk' very well either - I was left with the impression that I would only require 1 tampon for my entire period ;D
I don't think I've frightened my daughter by talking to her about it, she is too young for it to have any real relevance at the moment but hopefully she has seen that there are ways to deal with things and that you do come out the other side. Now if any of you with older daughters could tell me when the mood swings and rudeness might stop (hers, not mine!), I'd be most grateful 8)
Puffin x