Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: walking the dog on June 29, 2016, 07:03:16 PM
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My impossible mum has now fallen out with the only one if her four siblings who bothers with her , so that's all her three sons and all her siblings she has now annoyed . She turned up here unannounced and ranted at me about the injustice of it all. Its clearly her fault ! Just wanted to write it down not sure how anyone can help 😐
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Oh aren't they the LIMIT! and will never realise that it's their attitude that causes the rifts!!!
At least mine can't turn up here, well she could but at 89 don't think she would think of taking a taxi for 2 hours ;).
Has she gone now? Does she expect an response to her ranting 'at' you? I have learned to grunt and although I try hard not to, she winds me up enough so that eventually I react!
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Yes she's gone it's no good me trying to discuss it with her she cant or doesn't want to see what the rest of us can see ! She doesn't want my opinion she thinks she's in the right ,she really is impossible. I'm stressing already over this years xmas lunch as I'm refusing to have either mum after last years antics !
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Could you go away for Xmas? I always feel that I need to justify why we are changing annual arrangements but hey!
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Hello walking the dog.
I psychology, when a person fails to see something that is obvious to everyone else it is described as 'lost to awareness'. I expect your mum genuinely feels she is always the victim!
Unfortunately I've no idea what you can do to help the situation but a bit of research may throw up some suggestions that could at least make your life easier.
Wishing you well.
K.
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Narsacisstic behaviour? 'they' aren't aware but a pattern emerges …….. where 'they' play the victim, remembering issues from years ago where 'they' feel that they have been wronged ………..
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Wrote huge reply its gone !
I speak to her as I feel I i cut her off I will mirror her behaviour.
Since I no longer ring her she keeps turning up and has a key !!!
My son has never had a Xmas just us there's always been elderly relatives he will be 18 tho year and I think its about time he had one. I have put the.first the two mums and they take it for granted and expect special treatment.I have had enough was hoping mine go to my aunts but now they not speaking its not likey and my needy mum in.law says she cant go to her daughters as the cars too low and the house us cold ! Well no idea what they will do but after last Xmas I not putting any of us through it again . My m in law has recently decided she's a invalid and rings my husband with ridiculous stuff like tv remote needs new batteries and really expects him do a 20 mile round trip ten at night to change them she has him emotionally blackmailed as he is afraid she will die .
I have read lots on narcissistic mothers and mine fits the bill and his isn't far behind.
Honestly I couldn't make it up 😓
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Certainly change the locks! No family member has a key 2 here!!! Don't justify and if she goes on, say it's an Insurance issue, not open for discussion.
Your M in L will die eventually but it is unlikely to be caused by not attending to her every need! At least mine has local workmen, many of who she taught, but I get : I really don't want to be a bother to anyone : my reply these days, "Don't bother ringing them then, but don't bother me with the problem either".
WtD - does your husband think that giving his mother 2 remotes would work? or find out someone who could do the job closer to her home!
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My parents do not have a key to our house. When my husband was given a posting, he was given the choice of 3 places, one being where my parents live. We chose the furthest away. It's far enough away, so she couldn't pop over, but near enough, that my parents can visit for the day and not need to sleep here. The house was too small anyway. I have a key to my daughters house and she to ours. It's essential as I look after my grandson sometimes, but I never use it if they are home. It's a matter of respect and consideration. I always knock. And I do not use the key to my parents house. I have it for emergencies. It's knowing how relationships work or don't.
I would seriously consider changing the locks. You can find a reason. You need to have boundaries, in order to look after your both your physical and emotional needs. It is not being selfish. Because you haven't got boundaries, you need to put in place concrete ones. As a child, you feel guilt about parents and it is easy for this to be played on, particularly if you don't like them! Loving them does not mean that you have to tolerate bad behaviour. I put boundaries in place about 20 years ago, after an incident, when I realised what was going on. I didn't discuss anything with Mum, but the balance in my relationship shifted subtly. I was calmly firm and I am now treated with respect and I am only called on for help when they truly need my support. And they love seeing me. DH keeps his distance and disappears when they visit, but is kind and thoughtful towards them, because there is no danger of them overstepping the mark these days.
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It takes a while though Ju Ju to put new 'rules' into place ::)
Tell your Mum, should she ask for a key, that "the security of our property was compromised so we are keeping the keys for us for a while" - job done!
If she suggests that you no longer want her in and say, tell her 'yep' and walk away. It really does Bcome easier ;-)!
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My mum in law doesn't want solutions this is the problem what she wants is attention from my husband and she emotionally black mails him and even though he knows this he continues to feed her emotionally . I have til him if we ever split up it will be due to her. 😒
I do need to set boundaries with my mum but she doesn't listen to a,word I say I def need to feel safe in my home and I don't as she has the key I need to do something there !
I do feel bad complaining about her as she's my mum and I love her but I dont like her 😐
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You can't change people, but you can change the way you respond to abuse. And this is abuse, however subtle. No one can abuse you more than you abuse yourself. When whatever that line is, is overstepped, then you can start to see more clearly. It sounds like your Mum has crossed your line. You are in charge of you. Decide what you want. What you are prepared to tolerate as long as it does not undermine you. With my Mum, I decided that I would only visit for a few hours and not sleep there as she had always insisted. I found being around her stressful. I invited her and Dad to come on Boxing Day, as I wanted to relax with my children and DH on Christmas Day and not be running round after them. There was no discussion. No rule making. No confrontations. Just this is what the arrangements are. And the result was that I been treated with respect ever since. Had I not, I would have distanced myself further.
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I do need to say no juju ir is,abuse I have had it all my life from her this is why others dont speak to her the things she says are incredible. I don't go to her house I can't stand it and i hardly ring anymore I have distanced myself a lot since her Xmas antics ! Any advice on how I break the tradition of not having them here Xmas day ? They are so used to coming they will both be very upset with us ! Itvwas bad enough last year with my mum when I asked my aunt and uncle ! She hit the roof accusing me of all sorts out with the old in with the new were her words ! So imagine saying to her your not coming at all ! As for the mum in law she will lay it on thick to my husband he is already trying to talk me round but I'm not budging I have to put my sanity first . One Xmas lunch the pair of them nearly had a punch up over tony Blair I know it sounds funny but that's just a tiny bit of the exhausting day, the year before last my m in law til me in the middle o lunch I was a militant parent as I hadn't given my son toy guns etc how crazy's that ! And the not knowing if mine coming Xmas day last year as,she didn't speak for three weeks previous well that was the final straw ! My husband will support me but he prefers mevto back down and put up with it but according to the therapist this is why I'm depressed etc as I'm constantly keeping others happy and not looking after me!
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Is there any possibility you could go away for Christmas? Just you and your husband and your children if they are still young? How about a self catering property somewhere? Just say sorry we are having much needed time for us. Why are you worrying about what they think? That's up to them. You can't change things.
10 years ago, DH retired and was ill with stress. He needed to get away from everything. So we decided to go travelling for 6 months. This was for us. Mum was devastated. I felt torn and guilty, but a friend told me that I couldn't wait till she died to do the things I wanted to do. I must look after myself and DH. She coped. It was wonderful for my relationship with DH. Had I not gone, I would have missed out , as I now have health issues that would make travelling more difficult. And she's still alive and I would have been resentful.
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Not a chance we could afford go away Xmas my summer hol is three nights in my tent that's all we can afford so Xmas break impossible. I'm worried as they dont and wont understand why I have to say no this year and they will be hurt and upset and I don't want them to be, also I will have to deal with the emotional and psychological aftermath from the pair of them , that's why my husband is pressuring me to have them he thnks it's the easiest option
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Tell them now what your plans are. Write to your M in L and your Mum if necessary. Start with the lines: "this isn't open for discussion but we are changing our plans for 2016" ….. then state what you intend to do. When my Mum took up with a strange man a few years ago I couldn't stay in her house as he was sleeping in my Dad's bed :'(. So I wrote to DH's brother/wife and told them that we would be spending C.mas here - that was after 34 years of us travelling there ::). We had the best 4 C.masses, me and He, ever. Then the man died ………. :-X His brother/wife didn't say anything ;-).
As for the locks: get them changed, it takes 1 phone call. When my Mum had someone enter her house when she didn't want them to: these were people she didn't know particularly well, who had a key :o something Himself and I didn't get for years >:( : a 'phone call to the double glazing firm brought them out that afternoon.
If your Mum then keeps harping on about having her own key tell her quietly that your Life has changed, there will be 2 keys - 1 for your husband, 1 for yourself. End of. OK she'll kick up, simply laugh at her? with the words 'you really aren't listening to 'me' are you' ………. don't wait, get it over and done with.
OK so they *may* be hurt and upset …….. however, that is *your* take on their feelings, you really are NOT responsible for how they feel. By telling them about the change of plans now, enables them to make/not their own plans ;-). This is no longer about the two Mums but about a peaceful few days with your son and husband. If your husband keeps on, tell him you will be going away alone ………. if he really wants to have them 'as usual', then here's the shopping list!
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Good plan ckld I'm def saying me or them Xmas to husband and i have been saying to him we need to broach Xmas but he thinks its too early but I reckon that's cos he thinks he will wear me down but he won't I'm staying strong on this one !
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I'm right behind you! :kick:
Really, it wasn't that difficult. I typed out the letter to his brother/wife several times, didn't make it too long and waffling and sent it. No comments made. My Mum knew that I wasn't comfortable there with her man as well. Job done.
Does your husband need to know that you have made the decision to tell them? The longer you leave it the more conversations you will have in your head = more stress?
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Well we're here for moral support!
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So stressed by it had tears before my head feels like its got a band been tightened around it I can't believe I'm this stressed in June ! I think its the falling out with her sister that's got to me as if my aunt had asked her and she had said no then I coil have said well you had somewhere to go but turned it down but nowim the only option and its stressing me out . My brothers dont even send a Xmas card ! I'm barely coping as it is day to day I was so chuffed I managed four hours work this morning but its all fell around my ears now. My husband just in and we have to go to his mums for him to install her new tv ! I know I dont have to go but if I dont she has him there hours doing 'jobs' whereas she doesn't try if I'm there as I say no time . I know this sounds pathetic I'm just exhausted with everything and my moods fallen , start the progesterone tomorrow but if graphs follow I will get period in five to seven days so here I go plummeting hormones ! Should be in private lives sorry 😢
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New TV - bought by whom exactly? Did your husband have to go to buy it?
Maybe tell her - 1 of the reasons you have called over is not to fix the TV but to explain that you are having a change this year, which will be, a C.mas alone ?
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Drop the guilt. Mothers know which buttons to push :-\ and mine thinks she knows far more about me than she does or has a right to know!
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She bought it but his sister ordered it and had it delivered were just in our house now that's two hours been out not eaten yet ! My husband had set it up it was mad his sister having to draw diagram of remote and what button did what but mm in.law pefectkycapable she's got all her marbles she just acts daft for attention . My poor s in law bright red with constant hot flushes wont do hrt no idea why I really felt for her I just took all my vitamins and my 5htp
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Of course, had his sister been on the ball, she would have arranged for someone to set it up!
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Did you have to go as well? When my mum and dad were beginning to be difficult (and I had a really good relationship with them but it still drove me mad at times) I used to go on my own and vice versa when my husband's dad became ill. Mind you we lived 150 miles in different directions from both families!
Sometimes you have to look after yourself - you could, maybe, have stayed at home and prepared the meal ready for when your husband came back or even just had a relax as you had worked this morning?
Taz x
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I could have stayed here but then my husband would still be there doing her made up jobs ! She's emotionally manipulative
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That's hysterical sparkle I love the idea I wonder who would cook 😁 I. Just exhausted with the pair of them recently, talk about awkward well I have a right pair here if anyone wants to swap 😁😁😁 feeling a bit better but its taken two glasses wine 🍷 xx
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I'm giggling now ! Wine or hormones !? Up until Xmas gone , you wont believe this they both came Xmas eve and stayed Xmas eve night Xmas day night and had dinner here boxing day and went home with dinner on a plate ready to heat up for next day ! My husband thought i was terrible last Xmas when I said no to Xmas eve and asked my uncle who was here anyway Xmas day lunch to drop them home so they didn't stay at all !
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Thank you sparkle.
No she was annoyed id invited aunt (her sister) and uncle in the first place she's so used to it just been her and the m in law she didn't like the idea of extra guests she even commented they would eat all the food ! She didn't like the fact that she didn't get to stay over but that's never happening again .
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I'm not sure I can help, but I do understand as I was brought up to give in to my mother's demands as it was the only way we had any peace and her behaviour destroyed my relationship with my father. Until I joined this forum I honestly thought that it was just my mother, however I now wonder if it's a generational thing and caused by our generation being more independent than our mothers generation.
I totally agree with the suggestions to get new keys as it doesn't sound like there is a good reason for her to have them. For Christmas could you just say you are going away but actually stay home. You could always say your plans changed at the last minute so you couldn't go. I know lying is the wrong thing to do, but I spent most of my adult life telling my mother lies so that I actually had a life, and it is easier than confrontation from a guilt perspective.
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My husband spoke to his sister today about their mum and told her we need a break this Xmas , his sister was taken aback as we have done it 17 years in a row but she did admit its made her life easy. My husband fibbed and said we may go away which if we hit the jackpot we would! She's thinking about what to do ! My mums a different matter as she has no where to go having ostracized most the family , none of it her fault of course ! I'm going to have to tell her were going away even though prob wont be.
I do feel guilty but I think we have done more than our fare share .
Getting old I hope you realise it was your mum and not you ? I have spent my life been told by her I wasn't good enough in various ways but even now at age fifty when I tried to tell her last year the way she treat me was unacceptable she couldn't see it tried to blame me and hung up the phone on.me leading to all the Xmas bother 😐
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I'm a bit weepy but started my period before id even started the progesterone yesterday so hormones causing havoc . On top of mums and my friend and her daughter who has a court case this month as she was inappropriately sexual touched she's only 11 and a boy in.my sons explorer scout group has killed himself so I'm.all emotional looking at my son and feeling awful for wishing he would tidy up a bit when he us alive and well
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Sorry - who has killed himself :-\ ?
Well done Husband! Your points have got through in good time!
Until you change the locks there is no point in telling lies to your Mother because she will walk in ::). No amount of blustering will cover that up!
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I know ckld your right about keys
My son is in explorer scouts for over 16 years old a boy in the group has killed himself very sad 😢
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It's a difficult age group ……….. did your son find the body?