Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: MIS71MUM on June 10, 2016, 04:46:12 PM
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From September 2015, my life went awry! I came off F2/10 in July and haven't been right since. I've tried various AD's and stuck with my 3rd - duloxetine as I needed something.
Today when I am having a good day, I get totally terrified that i'll become an emotional, nervous wreck that was being "babysat" by her parents again. I'll never know what caused me to meltdown; peri, lack of hrt, AD side effects or a combination of all of them. But I know I never want to go there again.
I have now been on gel/patches for at least 2 months and still no proper bleed to speak of but will find out for sure in about 10 days.
I'm glad I seem to be getting a run of good days now here and there - but still feel really, really petrified of my hormones creating havoc for me again - as it's totally of my control. Some days I just think....what the h*ll just happened? Is that just me?
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Hi Miss71Mum, I've been there, too, two years ago, and I don't want to look back. I like you don't know for sure what has cause my breakdown but it was awful, terrible place to be! The best thing is you seem on the road of recovery! Hold on to those good days - they will get more and more each month and soon you will look back and say: Thank God this whole thing seems to be over!!! Upward and onward!
Milamam
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YEP!
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Yes, me too. Most definitely. The most frightening aspect of my peri rollercoaster has been how little in control I have felt. Most days I have felt like I was falling down a bottomless hole, trying to grab at something, anything, but everything just slipping through my fingers. Just so scary.
In November 2013 I went from being a confident, capable, happy-go-lucky woman to a trembling, panicky, feeble wreak -suddenly scared to be alone, scared of the dark, scared of opening post or answering the phone. Just unrecognisable from my normal self.
Is anyone familiar with Conran's book 'Heart of Darkness'? Well, the last sentence in the book perfectly sums up my perimenopause 'The horror. The horror.'
And it has been horrific at times. I always thought that my PND was the lowest and most scared I could possibly feel. Well, PND was a walk in the park on a sunny day, compared to my peri anxiety/depression.
And the very cruellest aspect of it all is when you get to enjoy a few days of feeling just like yourself again. You feel calm, centered, able to smile and chat naturally. Life has some colour again and music sounds good. There's no discernible reason for this blessing of a few good days. And whilst you breath an exhausted sigh of relief to 'be back in the real world again' there's part of you that is terrified of falling back down the hole again. So you never fully relax and you never fully enjoy the good days.
I have made a private pact with myself. Once I believe myself to be 90% recovered I am going to have a ceromonial burning of everything that reminds me too much of The Horror. So I will burn my mood diaries. The cosmetic bag I keep my medication in. The very old, large, cardigan I wrap myself in when I fill chilled. The adult colouring books and pencils.
I never want to recall this time. Never.
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Hi ladies
Thanks for your replies.
GRL - your 5th paragraph has summed me up to a tee today. Realised about 3.30 this afternoon that I haven't been ruminating, analysing or had anxiety. In fact, I've had an enjoyable day and had a laugh with my work mates....but on my shoulder is the black shadow of the last few months.
It's weird, a feeling, a smell, my GP surgery, a phrase...anything can take me back there.
I too will be pleased to see the back of my adult colouring book!
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That's just reminded me of being afraid of the dark, fear of watching the TV/newspapers and fear of being with my own children - just awful.
Wish me luck -I'm about to start the progesterone phase of the patches for the first time.
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Yes, the shadow is just a breath away. Sometimes my good day feels so fragile that I'm almost afraid to sneeze, in case it disrupts it.
Last night someone mistakenly rang our phone near midnight. Just a simple error, but it set my nerves jangling and I found it hard to drop off to sleep. Pathetic, really. I hate how vulnerable and fragile Perimenopause has made me feel.
I so miss having that sense of inner certainty and contentment. When (if) that comes back, I will know I have recovered.
Looking back, when I had PND, there was a point when I considered myself recovered. But with hindsight, it was another year later that I was fully myself again.
Right now, I am feeling better and it's probably due to the extra oestrogen + my AD finally helping. But I recognise the slightly synthesised sensation of taking an AD. I remember this feeling of slight emotional numbness, like my emotions are kept behind a thin pane of glass. It's infinitely better than the horrific anxiety and depression, but it doesn't feel particularly nice or natural.
Good luck with the progesterone, you will probably enjoy a really good night's sleep.
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Yes, definitely feel a very real sense of being overwhelmed. There is a real sense of being frightened of things which would never have scared me before menopause. It feels very much as though I have lost the other happy more confident person that I was. I have had a lot of stress factors since going into menopause but I know that I would have coped better with these before. I know that the cause of all of this is the drop in hormones as my ovaries are less and less able to put anything into my bloodstream so to speak. I feel that I have been robbed from the age of fifty when I finished periods and all of this fear and lack of confidence began along with the hot flushes, lack of concentration, tearfulness, nausea, depression etc. Surely we women deserve some better advice and help if this is possible.
Meg
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All of this! I've been slowly traumatized by the whole experience. I remained optimistic and tried so hard to feel better and each time the horror popped up again I was beat down a little more. Now, if I look at my initial list of symptoms that took me to the doctor, they are for the most part resolved. But now I know how quickly I can go from feeling well to feeling terrible and I live with fear from that. I don't trust my own mind and body anymore. But you know, my mind and body survived it the first go round, so if it comes out of the shadows again, I'll survive it again and am surely better equipped to deal with it now. I hope I never revisit those times.
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Anxiety can over-whelm me = not eating, shaking, fear :'(
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I would definitely echo the points made above.
1 - I no longer trust my own mind..but it's easier when I think of it being my hormones.
2 - Being on an AD sometimes feel like being a spider trapped in a glass.... And the rest of the world is going on around me.
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I described how I feel to my gp by saying I was two pieces of glass stuck together very fragile and the panes had slipped slightly and are sitting slightly apart ! Sure she thought I was bonkers but its how I felt !
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I told my GP that I felt like a very faded, photocopy of myself.
I have totally lost my 'sass and sparkle' according to my (American) friend.
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You would think that with the huge numbers of women who are pretty well falling apart with menopause nevertheless trying to hold it together, GP's would have more of an understanding or is this too much to ask given the present pressure that the health service is under. I know that some women are treated well and with understanding but there are others who dont get the understanding that they deserve and this makes things so much more difficult.
Meg
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I constantly feel over whelmed & that I can't cope.
Have had a lot happen since entering the menopause - like a badly written soap opera in many ways, but just feel that I am not coping, but blundering on not really functioning at all.
Living in the middle of no where in a half built house with a semi disabled OH doesn't help. And I don't drive.
I'm such a fool for letting things get this bad.
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I feel this time of my life has been the perfect storm of physical ailments and mental anguish. I was trying to explain to Mr ethyl last night as he just thinks I need to talk to the GP again that I'm not depressed but rather I just feel overtaken by all the random crap that the change has thrown my way. I often feel like ending it all if I'm honest , but not because I want to die or can not see that life has some great stuff in it- it's just that I feel my ability to cope with the hot sweats, aches and pains and general bleurgh that I'm experiencing is non existent. It's like I'm overdrawn at the bank and the manager has said no more credit. Some days I wonder whether I'll ever feel human again let alone me. I tell myself this will pass and I'm sure it will. It's just whether there'll be anything left of me by then! I get through it by a lot of teeth gritting and telling myself that I am just choosing to put up with it for today or even just the next hour some days when I feel really bad and that has helped. It angers me that so many women go through this and yet often we are made to feel it is a defect in our characters that we aren't having a hassle free menopause. I have stopped going to my GP as she is my age and seems to be sailing through it so looks at you like you have two heads when you say it's unbearable. We need support through this and not just the prescription pad. I've been told so many different things by various GPs at my surgery that I no longer feel able to make an informed choice. I would rather not go on HRT as I have some contraindications and think I'd only end up anxious about them but that doesn't mean that I dong want my HCPs to be involved with my " treatment." It seems it's a case of either getting on with it on your own or being dosed up on anti- depressants and if you're lucky getting the right HRT.
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A few weeks back I started taking St John's Wort again. I stopped it a few year s back & was on AD, so couldn't take it at the same time. I do feel that my moods are not just as bleak & not just as often awful, so I think it is helping.
I don't now get hot flushes. I did a few year ago, but not as often as some folks. I took Menopace for a while, but haven't for ages. Some people suggest Burgen bread - I think it's to do with an ingredient, but I don't know if it would be of use.
I have a gut disorder & did do a course of Mindfullness that was offered for that. I do try & practice it, but I'm not very disciplined. I sort of pick & mix it when things are bad. I find the concentrating on what you are presently doing does help. Takes a bit of getting into the way & you don't beat your self up if your mind wanders, just gently acknowledge that & take your mind back to the present.
I must admit I've found the Doctors up until now pretty hopeless. I think it's when I say I don't really get hot flushes - they just think well that's okay then - sort of attitude. But I now have a referral to a phyciatrist & we'll see what happens then.
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Burgen bread doesn't keep though ::) - it has linseed in if I remember?
I never wanted to die even at my worst :-\ but to sleep until the pain went away :sigh:
I take half a day at a time. I don't plan too far ahead. I make lists! Lots of lists. Ticking off what I have done means that I can see what I *have* achieved! What doesn't get done can wait.
My garden upsets me on days I don't have the energy to work out there or when it's raining too hard :(. My greatest pleasure is weeding and making it tidy in small areas at a time [like yesterday]. Unless I keep on top of it the weeds take over :bang:.
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Whoops ::) - also Girls, learn to delegate where you are able!
Mardy - maybe start a separate thread so that you don't get lost? R there community vehicles for example or local taxi firms that would help?
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Yes I do when I'm having an episode or if i take on too much.
Nowadays I like to pace myself and not put myself forward when people need 'a Favour'.
It took me a long time but now I can say 'No' ;)
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Saying no is a strength. We must learn to resist being guilt tripped. 😀
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You're right Katiecurrantbun
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Yes, to everything! Totally and absolutely been the worse years of my life since hitting 55ish, now almost 60. Have suffered with some sort of anxiety most of my life but this feels so much worse. Don't even know where I am on the menopause journey as never really spoken to GP about it as it was always anxiety or depression that I went with. At least 7 years with no periods and because I was on an AD for most of it, apart from hot flushes, I can't say I've had any other problems so I thought I had done well. Then a couple of years ago, a few health scares totally flipped me over the edge into completely overwhelming health anxiety and fear, which has haunted me ever since and I think I'm going to have to accept that this is me now and just have to live with it. There are new frightening symptoms all the time and it's so hard to know what to worry about and run off yet again to the dr's or just put it on the 'list' with all the others. My life lately could be all tests, tests and more tests so where do you draw the line? It's hard to see others just getting on with things and the knowing look you get when you say how you feel, you end up being just the butt of everyone's jokes. I too can't believe the lack of support we get from dr's. Okay, the menopause isn't supposed to be an 'illness' but my goodness it feels like one and life is a daily battle to find the energy and motivation to do anything but exist and life's surely not supposed to be like this. My 85 year old mother has more energy than me and I find that so depressing. I think that this day and age, when we are living longer, they now need to find something to help women get through this. Years ago we would have been slung into mental institutions and now we're expected to work, support elderly parents, look after homes, shop, cook, clean and cope with feeling absolutely worn down every day.
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Learning to say 'no' becomes easier the more I practice ;)
The menopause itself is 'natural' but the effects of hormonal upheaval can cause illnesses - i.e. aches and pains, panic attacks, indigestion >:(
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Justjules you have summed up my experience of the perimenopause perfectly 😊
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WTD, thank goodness for this forum that's all I can say! One day we hopefully may be better. My Mum was like this and she's fine now so I live in hope. X
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I think you just about summed it all up perfectly Jules!
We are bombarded with health scares (especially if you read a certain newspaper!) and whilst it is good to highlight possible early symptoms to people it is hard to know where to draw the line. When I had the vertigo and feeling sick that morning I said to the doc how can you distinguish between a funny turn and a lady's heart attack as we are always being told they are different and can present just as a funny turn. She said really you can't but come and see us if you are worried.
As you say in Victorian times we'd all be in the asylum and if you are a person prone to worrying or anxiety in the good years then this xxxx will tip you over the edge! I keep telling myself all this stuff over the last couple of weeks is the pesky hormones playing up but I would have thought by now I wouldn't be getting ups and downs but then as everyone keeps telling me, I've been through a lot recently so maybe it's just fall out. Plus I have to learn to say no as that's what set it off in the first place...arghhh!
Anyway, hope you have a nice holiday Jules and get the chance to sit, soak up some sun, relax and just be!
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If asked to do favours etc. I reply : "I have to check our calendar so please ask someone else as back up" - I no longer get asked ;) - apart from pet sitting occasionally and then I do it if there's back-up in case Mum suddenly needs something or I have a melt-down.
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After reading the posts on this thread, I thought, 'That's me'. I have felt, over the last two years, that I have been trying to climb out of a 'black hole'. Since my breakdown early last year and subsequent resignation from my job of several years, I have felt like a lost soul, trying to find somewhere to settle. As an anxiety and PND sufferer, I had taken ADs for many years on and off but peri brought with it intolerances to certain foods and, evidently, some chemicals as I started reacting to my ADs which had enabled me to manage anxiety symptoms without having time off work. The ADs also compounded the insomnia which came along with the peri. However, working 5 days per week part time, caring for my son, coping with peri symptoms (which are rubbish), running a home and trying to revise for an exam which I desperately need to pass, makes me feel like the walls are closing in again. My current, temporary position ends shortly and, on the whole, it has been a lovely, positive experience but the timing is probably for the best. The thought, however, of going through the process of applying for jobs, preparing for interviews (if I am asked) and, ultimately, settling into another workplace all over again for the fourth time in a year is extremely daunting and I am not sure if I can face it at the moment. If I could volunteer for the foreseeable future, I would but I will have to start earning some money eventually. Hrt didn't work for me earlier this year as I used it for a few months & my own cycle was still prominent, causing heightened anxiety! I still haven't missed any periods yet but I am clearly getting many other peri symptoms. (I have just started local oestrogen though).
I find if I make a decision, I get consumed with doubt over it and subsequently change my mind (I have turned down 3 job offers since last May because of this. I also hope, along with many of you, that I never experience what I went through last year, ever again and understand that fear very well. Does the indecision eventually pass? :beat:
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Once the sufferer feels more in control they will feel better which enables them.
Is the exam really as important? You could ring various Charities in your area to ask if there are salaried positions expected soon? I was surprised to see a Shop Managed post advertised recently.
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Hi CLKD, yes, I was able to manage anxiety symptoms so much better when I was on Escitilopram. I haven't found anything else that matches that so I take a very low dose of diazepam if the anxiety is crippling (I try and ride through it at work though). Thank you for the suggestion about the charity shops - I really enjoyed volunteering in a charity shop last year. There are quite a few in town so I could ask around. It is a pity that I cannot stay where I am in another position but it doesn't appear that anything is available.
The reason I want to pass that exam so much is that most schools now want GCSE Maths & English grades A-C as a TA requirement & I do not have the Maths at grade C. My indecisiveness has made things so much harder with regards to employment as I could have been working in a permanent TA job from last September (the Head was not worried about the Maths grade) but my anxiety messed up a fantastic opportunity. The anxiety definitely seems to be a very common symptom amongst us all on here. Maybe it is time for a rethink (again) but I know I must not rush into anything like I did last year. Thank goodness that this forum exists & we can all support each other. X
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If you had meant to work in that particular position you would be there ;).