Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: booboo on May 17, 2016, 07:38:01 AM
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Was watching breakfast tv and the 30 yr old, that has provoked lots of reactions and attention due to her request to be sterilised at 30 as does not want to have children..
I respect anyones decision not to have children for any or whatever reasons - however! I cant help but think being sterilised is quite extreme & at an age when circumstances, feelings, thoughts can change..I have a niece that was with her husband from the age of 17, and was adamant all throughout her twenties and up until she was 31 that she did not want children & was not particularly maternal etc.. Then she changed her mind, and was fortunate enough to get pregnant straight away and have 3.. I also know of someone that chose to have some form of sterilisation after having had 2 children with her first husband - then when she met someone else ( who did not have children) she then went to have the procedure reversed ( at the cost of the NHS) she again was fortunate to then fall pregnant and have another child .... There is plenty of free & effective contraception available and more so than ever ..
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I have to disagree. I appreciate that many women and probably the majority of women out there will come to a stage in their lives where they may want children, even when they think they don't. But there are those of us out there that are just not maternal and never will be. I wish I could have been sterilised at 30! Or even at 25! I asked for sterilisation at 38 because I was having a horrendous reaction to the pill. I had already tried the injection - which made me gain 2 stone and didn't want the coil.
I think mothers and those who wish to be mothers can never understand we women who don't wish to be mothers, just as we cannot understand the desire to bear children.
While there are many different forms of contraception, why should we as women have to take a tablet every day, or inject ourselves with synthetic hormones, or have foreign objects in our body when we don't have to? I was on the pill for 20 years, that can't be good for you. There are also other ways of having children too, should we change our minds. I don't think it's something any woman just does on a whim.
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Personally I think she's sensible. Her body, her choice, her decision.
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I agree, totally selfless act on her behalf. At least she is not bringing an unwanted child into the world! I had my girl and boy in my twenties, husband had vasectomy, we divorced but I knew I wanted no more so went and got sterilised. If I had changed my mind there is always adoption or foster caring.
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I was sterilised at 27. I made my mind up at the age of 8 that I didn't want to be a Mother. Grandma told me that I was selfish but I explained that it was better to make the decision and not have lots of children that I couldn't cope with.
This woman should not have had to wait! This is her decision and how arrogant of any Medic to make her wait :bang: :bang: :bang:
I went to my Gynae and there was no questioning. Other than being told that it was 'irreversible', however, he was the Consultant that did the first successful ops for women who had changed their minds ::). The tubes apparently can regrow anyway >shrug< but I wasn't told that.
I did expect to have to take my husband to the Consult with me and I was ready for a fight ;D
Babies are messy, noisy, demanding ………. and it doesn't end when they leave home ::): they bring their messy, noisy, demanding friends with them ;D
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;DThat's true CLKD,but worth it.Coming from someone whose had 3 babies ;)
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You stopped at 3 :o ::) - no twins there?
What made me so angry was that there was a query at all. This woman should have been referred to a Gynea, counselled if necessary and then put forwards for surgery. If one Gynae wouldn't do the op., the GP should have referred her elsewhere!
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Nope but twins are in the family.My Dad was a twin.it might happen with my children :o ;D
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I didn't learn that there were twins on my Mum's side until 2 weeks before we got married ;D
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I was sterilised when our son was about 6 years old. Didn't want any more children. Two was enough.
When I was about to have C Section to have son, I was asked countless times did I want to be sterilised during the op. I was 29. Of course I said no. Then when I was about to have op for sterilisation, I was asked umpteen times if I was sure this is what I wanted to do.
I was quite sure when I was sterilised, that was what I wanted. Some women are very sure of what they want, but then I'd already had children.
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I was absolutely sure. With my more recent mental health history, it confirmed what I suspected at the age of 8 :-\
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I have also been sure all my life. Well since about the age of 13. Countless people have told me over the years that I would change my mind and I never have. I am 46 in a couple of weeks and I have no regrets about not having children. If circunstances in my life had been different there may have been a reason to change my mind, but I don't think that would have been the case, and also, I always said if I ever did have children that I would adopt rather than have my own.
Life circumstances can change so much and you can't plan for them, but I think some people just don't feel the need to reproduce and take joy in other aspects of life. I was lucky (or picky) to find a husband with the same views.
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Himself never wanted to reproduce either ::)
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So far, StellaJane, so far ;). He would have made a good Dad if push came to shove but I made sure that it didn't ;).
I have never baby-sat for people. Rarely been involved in small children. Parents were teachers ::)
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I was sterilised at 30 after 2 children. It was a no brainer for me. 2 large babies and the need for restorative abdomen surgery. But my DH wouldn't have vasectomy, as he said if something happened to me, he might want more children with someone else.
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I was sterilised at 24. I had just given birth to my fourth child in 6 years.
That was 46 years ago and I have never once regretted it.
Unbelievably, I had to have my husband's permission to have the operation.
Things were so different in those days!!
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I have to disagree. I appreciate that many women and probably the majority of women out there will come to a stage in their lives where they may want children, even when they think they don't. But there are those of us out there that are just not maternal and never will be. I wish I could have been sterilised at 30! Or even at 25! I asked for sterilisation at 38 because I was having a horrendous reaction to the pill. I had already tried the injection - which made me gain 2 stone and didn't want the coil.
I agree with you Cider. I never wanted children, and never felt any twinge of maternal instincts. When ever I've said that I didn't like kids, or that they annoyed me (which they do) I'd always get the smart arse comments of "oh you'll change your mind", or "it's different with your own children". What these people are really doing is disrespecting my opinions about my own life, and telling me I don't know my own mind.
Sure we always hear the examples of women who have changed their minds later in life. Well bully for them. What about all the women who never change their minds - like me? Maybe those women, who went on to having children, would have been just as happy and just as fulfilled without the children, had there been no possibility of having them.
If this woman wants this procedure done, then it should be her right. She is a mature woman who knows what is best for her life. No one has a right to make reproductive decisions for another woman. If it's a decision she later regrets, then it's also her right to have those regrets.
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Well said!!!!
I have to disagree. I appreciate that many women and probably the majority of women out there will come to a stage in their lives where they may want children, even when they think they don't. But there are those of us out there that are just not maternal and never will be. I wish I could have been sterilised at 30! Or even at 25! I asked for sterilisation at 38 because I was having a horrendous reaction to the pill. I had already tried the injection - which made me gain 2 stone and didn't want the coil.
I agree with you Cider. I never wanted children, and never felt any twinge of maternal instincts. When ever I've said that I didn't like kids, or that they annoyed me (which they do) I'd always get the smart arse comments of "oh you'll change your mind", or "it's different with your own children". What these people are really doing is disrespecting my opinions about my own life, and telling me I don't know my own mind.
Sure we always hear the examples of women who have changed their minds later in life. Well bully for them. What about all the women who never change their minds - like me? Maybe those women, who went on to having children, would have been just as happy and just as fulfilled without the children, had there been no possibility of having them.
If this woman wants this procedure done, then it should be her right. She is a mature woman who knows what is best for her life. No one has a right to make reproductive decisions for another woman. If it's a decision she later regrets, then it's also her right to have those regrets.
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The subject of having wanting to have children or not is an emotive one... I always had the desire to be a mother to my own biological child & waited until I met and married my now ex husband at age 32, until I tried ...Unfortunately I appeared to be infertile & consequently and despite one IVF ( privately) attempt it was not to be... I was often taken aback at some peoples assumptions, that because we didn't have children we did not want them & were somehow subnormal or even " selfish" ...I don't think its selfish atall for people to choose not to have children - I actually think the opposite in many and some respects ...Lots of women have maternal instincts and lots don't & many now make responsible decisions not to have them.. It isn't like it used to be - when most people were expected to procreate come what may, I wonder how many people have had children and if they had their time again maybe they would not... I personally have to say tho, that I would have liked to have had the chance to experience motherhood ( to my own) and maybe Grandmother hood too...
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Hi Boohoo, I am so sorry you were never able to have children. Even though I have never experienced those maternal desires, I know how devastating it can be not to have a child when you want one. Sorry if this is too personal, but did you never think of adoption?
Even though I never wanted a child of my own, I have often considered fostering, but my husband has been against it, and to be honest I don't know if I would ever have gone down that route given the opportunity, as my child free lifestyle is very important to me. I think it could be very rewarding to give a child who has had a terrible start in life a home and love and care even if it is only for 6 months.
The subject of having wanting to have children or not is an emotive one... I always had the desire to be a mother to my own biological child & waited until I met and married my now ex husband at age 32, until I tried ...Unfortunately I appeared to be infertile & consequently and despite one IVF ( privately) attempt it was not to be... I was often taken aback at some peoples assumptions, that because we didn't have children we did not want them & were somehow subnormal or even " selfish" ...I don't think its selfish atall for people to choose not to have children - I actually think the opposite in many and some respects ...Lots of women have maternal instincts and lots don't & many now make responsible decisions not to have them.. It isn't like it used to be - when most people were expected to procreate come what may, I wonder how many people have had children and if they had their time again maybe they would not... I personally have to say tho, that I would have liked to have had the chance to experience motherhood ( to my own) and maybe Grandmother hood too...
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Hi Cider
yes at one time ( years ago now) I did consider adoption and had an interview with adoption services.. However after I realised that after lots of soul searching it was not for me.. I wanted to experience pregnancy, giving birth and making the man I loved a dad, aswell as me a mother..All sounds soppily idyllic and romantic when I reflect on it now - but was just how I felt.. I guess its that feeling of being denied and not having the choice and we only get one life...
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Hi just spotted this.
My cousin always said she never, ever wanted children. The suddenly and the age of 40 she got very broody and ended up with twin girls.
It's to late to change your mind if you have been sterilised.
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I have read of many women ( especially nowadays) that have chosen not to have children & have said that they did not want them, but when the biological clock really is ticking away & 40 and could be last chance - have changed their minds ... Things have obviously changed a lot in the last 20/30 years ..Once upon a time 40 would have been considered old to become a parent - but its quite common place now ..
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Nope. Sterilisation can be reversed ;). I never changed my mind, nor have I been broody …….
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Not always successful though CLKD. I know someone who thought it could be reversed, but wasn't possible.
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CLKD - I have two friends that made the decision not to have children, and like yourself have never felt broody or regretted the fact they didn't have children .. I personally wish I had never felt maternal or broody - because I have always felt there is something missing & adoption/fostering wouldn't have filled the void ...I have a dog tho ( not quite the same) but it does help ..
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My pets were never substitutes though despite what others thought ::). They caused me enough anxiety :-\
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I was sterilised at 35, after 2 children. I definitely remember being told to regard it as permanent as reversals rarely worked.
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My friends that chose not to have children - have a dog/cat, (not as child substitutes) they simply did not did not possess any maternal urges to bear/have children & did not want the responsibility for various reasons... One thing that used to irk me ( when I was married and younger) was that people always asked the inevitable " do you have children" ( a natural and curious question I know) but I always felt that i had to/wanted to explain that we couldn't have them - otherwise they would make wrong assumptions.. Its a obviously a lot different now & lots of people make the choice not to have children and its not so expected or unusual not to have them... I always used to feel a little alienated & particularly as most of my work colleagues/family and friends ( at the time) had children & the topics of conversation involved children..
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People have and will forever ask if children are expected. When one gets older, it's whether there are to be grandkids. Pity that there isn't a sharp retort?
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Depending on my mood/frame of mind - I sometimes just say that I " couldn't eat whole ones" ;)
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;D …….. now that I'm older I tend to ask 'who wants to know and do they have a note from their Mum?' ::)